Okay, I guess I'm a little overdue for this-

[Here goes nothing.]

My name is Quentin Coldwater. I'm a magician. I used to teach at Brakebills, and for a while, I lived in Fillory. I've got a pretty good grounding in physics and mathematics, and interuniversal travel. Normally I would consider myself able to claw my way out of this shit, but no dice this time.

Is there anyone here who knows anything about any or all of the above?

[He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, a nervous habit.]

I would like to get the fuck out of here, if anyone has any, uh, inroads on that one. Novel, I'm sure, but we've all got to start somewhere. Cheers.