hadriel | 06

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06 | Video

[ It's obvious this is being filmed in one of the many temples, all cool hard stone behind her, and, given the subject matter of the video, most likely to be Hope's. Sharon does not look pleased. Furious might be the better descriptor but it's a calm sort of fury. There are a few spatters of dark blood on her cheeks, dried and cracking; old. She has no wounds just stains and memories. She leans in towards the lens and whispers: ]

So, which one of you fuckers killed me? [ Her killer could reply, he might not, but she won't stop until she finds him and returns the favor. ]

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He's a story I was told when I was a child, Sharon.

[An important story at the time, yes, because it helped him find north when his entire world was upended. But that was then; he is no longer not-quite-fifteen and fighting a war and the rest of the world on his own. He knows who he is, now, and he knows what he wants from the second chance that has been extended to him in being brought here - a chance at learning how to be human instead of a machine. A chance to live, and a chance to love.]

No one is more important to me than you are.

[Not even L, or Near. And Mello was willing to die for both of them, before - did die, by Near's perspective, to keep him safe from Kira's eyes and notebook, because the world needed L in it, and that was Near's rightful title. But L and Near both were always more concepts than people to Mello - Sharon is different. Mello valued L and Near because of what they represented, but Sharon is more than either of them to him.]

It is my fault you died, the first time. No one forced me to pull the trigger. I wasn't under anyone's influence. I made a decision, and it was the wrong one.

[He hadn't cared for her, then, not like he does now. And maybe that's why he feels such personal responsibility for Beyond's actions, because he sees so much of himself - who he used to be - in the other man.]

You don't have to be sorry, Sharon. If you need to be somewhere else for a while, that's fine - I understand. Just ... promise you'll come back to me. Please.

It is not your fault, Mello, because I fucking said so. I'm the one that died, remember? [ As if there was any way either of them could forget. ] I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew what the consequences would be if I didn't succeed. I gave you my room number. I left my door unlocked. [ Had he not seen the strangeness in that? Or had he assumed she'd left it as such so her friends could come and go? Or that she was just a fool? Her heart twitches and she has to quickly bat and extinguish a flash of flame.

Fuck, man, this isn't how it was supposed to turn out. Why couldn't that asshole just have looked vaguely like L? Like how Arya's father and brother looked a little (a lot, too much like) Christopher and Vincent? She hates everything this place does to her.

The please at the end breaks her heart and she presses her teeth into her palm until it's painful so that she has something else to focus on. When she next speaks, her voice is small; there's as much guilt and sorrow to it as there is quiet adoration. ]

I... Mello, I was... I'm not leaving you. I'm not coming by to take my things with me. I'm not... I'm just... [ Fuck her. She is a fool. ]

Did you know I remembered you? N-Not for most of the stupid illusion but when... I thought of my parents the first time I died. I didn't think of them this time, all right? I thought of you. Even dying in an illusion where I'm not supposed to remember anything, I remembered you, ok?

[ And the rest of her life but, mostly, it was Mello. It wasn't like flashing back to all her good memories, she just remembered his face and the way he made her heart feel. She remembered that she didn't hate him; she remembered that she loved him. She remembered the way his hands would feel out of his gloves. She remembered the textures of his burns. She remembered how much she liked everything about the man. ]

[He knows, logically, that she could have stopped him if she'd wanted to when he came to kill her. He's seen her power, and he knows what she's capable of, and if she'd wanted to stop him from killing her, it wouldn't have taken much effort, and he would've been entirely powerless to stop her.

But what he feels about that episode will always be colored by the effects of Sorrow's revival. Even knowing that his feelings were influenced by the god does nothing to weaken their intensity - he has never been able to make his emotions bend to his will.

Mello doesn't want to argue with Sharon about it anymore, not after what she tells him about her last moments before death, the meaning he pieces together - that he's important to her. It's a complicated tangle of feelings that knots up in his chest when he reaches this conclusion - gratitude, love, sorrow, anger. A persistent sting of guilt, that she had to go through that death in the first place, that he hadn't been able to stop it, hadn't been better. He knows it's irrational, he knows there's no reasonable way he could have stopped it, but knowing and feeling are two entirely different things, at violent odds with each other.]

I'm sorry, Sharon. I'm sorry ... I love you.

[ Sharon laughs. It's sudden and heavy and there can be no denying that there are probably tears on her cheeks as she does so. There's nothing scarier than losing someone you care for. Death is frightening; it's cold and it's empty and it makes you lose everything: your chances, your life, your loves, your heart and your soul.

She's died twice now, each one connected in some way to the very person she adores, and if she has to die again for him, because of who he is or who he knows, then she'll take it. ]

Don't be. [ She sniffles, a small sound. ] I love you, too. I love you more than I've hated anyone and I don't want to lose you because I can be stupid.

You haven't lost me, Sharon. You won't lose me - not if I can do anything about it. I promise.

[And he knows there's always a very real chance that it won't be within his power. But until that point, he resolves, here and now, to never stop fightinng for Sharon - for them.]

You know where to find me when you want to see me again. Take care of yourself. I love you.

[ I promise. Sharon knows they can't keep promises in a place like and that makes Mello a liar—not that he hasn't always been one—but it's a lie she accepts. She makes her own silent promise: to ensure he stays with her, even if the end is fire and brimstone and mechanical machines ready to rip them apart. ]

I love you, too. I'll be careful and I'll... I'll come home tomorrow, all right?

[ And just for good measure, as if she hasn't said it enough. ] I love you, okay? More than anyone I've ever met.

I believe you, Sharon.

[That's a significant distinction, in his mind - it's one thing to know, and another to believe.]

Tomorrow, then. I'll see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow. [ She promises, voice solemn, exhausted emotionally. God, life fucking sucks. ]

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06 | Video

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