hadriel | [Text]

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I make headway and this kriffing place pushes me back. ~~It makes me remember -~~

Have you ever thought that, maybe, you are beginning to regret everything? I try not to think that way; it doesn't do me any good - it only makes me miserable. But if I could go back, I think I would do some things differently. ~~I might listen to Obi-Wan more before he -~~

Luke? Are you around? I just... I want you to know...

Damnit, this should be private -

[Private to Luke.]

I don't regret you or... Your sister or your mother. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea. It's more me, I guess. I've had a lot of time here to see my failures and how they could have been prevented.

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I'm coming to visit you. Should I bring anything?

[Does he need to say she doesn't have to? Probably not.]

Find peaches.

[Because they're good.]

I can do that. Give me about thirty minutes.

The cats will like seeing you. [And him too.]

[Sure enough, she's there in just a little over thirty minutes, complete with a few fresh peaches. Rather than knock, she announces her presence with a little release of magic energy that she knows he'll be able to sense easily and waits patiently for him to answer.

Truth be told, she has motives for visiting beyond simple concern. She knows he's often weighed down by his thoughts and emotions. What she doesn't know is his stance on the Null, and that's not something she's going to discuss with him over the Network. Not when the Null have successfully compromised it twice.]

I brought your peaches.

[He's not sure how to be comforting. Emotions aren't something that he's really experienced with but he's learning, slowly but surely.

But Anakin had been helping him the last few weeks, especially after Ren vanished without a word. When he got home that evening, he wasn't sure what to say as he scooped Eclipse up into his arms as he looked through the house to find Anakin.]

I was going to heat up leftovers from last night, if you're hungry.

[Perhaps it was not the best gesture but hey, he's still learning. He's trying.]

[Hux is offering...food? And company? Anakin looks up from the book he has been using, in vain, to distract himself. Either the General is upset - something else has happened - or Hux is doing this...for him?

Well he's curious. Getting up, he finds Hux, looking wary.]

Something happen?

No. I just thought-

[This is hard and he's not sure what to say. Anakin isn't the kind to accept pity and Hux isn't the kind to offer it. And it was hard to admit that company would be nice.]

If you're not, I'll just leave some for you.

[Help him?]

I have long regretted the deeds my hands have done. And yet, it was not all evil, nor terrible. And I know myself well enough to know that no matter what I wish, I would not choose differently - it was for love, that I damned myself, so no matter how badly I hate it, I know that I would do it again.

Were you successful in protecting those you love? Is that why you don't regret it?

No. Not all. I lost my brothers, my father, my wife...my family are almost all dead. And yet...I have seen the morning come back to the world. Elrond and Elros lived, and by their efforts and descendents has Hope returned to the world. Galadriel lived, and in her was kept alive the memory of our joy. It is enough.

Edited 2017-10-26 03:32 (UTC)

I don't have that sort of reassurance.

I don't have any reassurance beyond my children living, somehow, and having at least one grandchild. I'm sure all of them hate me.

Men do not. And yet, Elros chose mortality and died without regret, chosing to hope in the strength of his children. It took thousands of generations, but he was right to do so.

One is here is he not - have you asked him?

He didn't do anything to feel guilty about, I suspect. [Like killing younglings.] If...

If he wants to talk about it.

[ That actually makes Maglor snort a little ]

Sorry! I did not mean to laugh. You just reminded me of when he was younger and...shall we say, 'creative'. But no. He luved a good life, and was a beloved king, husband and father. [ so fondly paternal ]

But he could have chosen as Elrond did, you know, to stay and fight. It takes courage for both paths. Elros was never the sort to dwell in the past. He gave all he could and went out of the world in peace.

You should. He might surprise you.

Regret is natural. It's how you process that regret that matters.

I'm not processing it well.

Some people find that talking helps in said processing.

Ignore this if you don't want to talk--I can see you meant this for someone specific. But...I don't think there's anyone who wouldn't like to go back and do something differently, even if that's what they claim. You're not alone in this.

I'm not sure if that helps.

If we're all failures in one way or another, it's a wonder anything goes well.

That's one way to look at it. A pretty pessimistic one.

Another way is that that means no one always gets things right, and we've all got the ability to learn from our mistakes.

I regret a lot of things.

But it doesn't matter. We don't get to do things over.

Then why are we here, learning of our futures?

I don't know.

I haven't really learned anything about my future. There was what I saw in the mirrors, but that wasn't real.

Are you sure it wasn't real? I think a little bit of reality is mixed in with everything we see.

Hannibal promised me it wouldn't happen. ~~But he's gone now.~~

He's trustworthy?

He's my guardian. My family.

Everyone has something to gain...or lose. Even in family.

He's nothing like my dad though.

I'm not sure that matters much.

Just be careful.

There is much that I regret. But learning to live with those regrets has been part of the process. I can't change the past, but I can make a new future. I'm not bound forever to keep making the same mistakes, to keep living through the same disastrous situations.

I have much respect for you, Anakin, and I wish you well in whatever is your version of that same journey.

And by the way, would you like to spar in the orchard?

It's all right, I understand. I know you don't regret us.

I sometimes feel the same way about this place myself. I'm glad for the chance I have but still...Wrestling with regrets...wishing I could change a few things.

I'm just sorry I don't always know what to say, how to help...I want so badly to.

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