twelfth; voice (live through this and you won't look back)

[bekommen]

[The dust has settled, the suns have risen, and Nick survived, sure, but she's struggling with what survival in this instance means. So she's turned to her old trusty coping mechanism - alcohol, an emergency bottle she'd stashed away for just in case. She's not completely trashed by the time she starts talking, just drunk enough to feel as fragile as necessary to talk about herself with strangers about things she doesn't normally open up about.]

You know, I've been thinkin' ... now that we actually got time to think again ... how many of y'all fought in wars before? 'Cause we don't really got wars where I'm from. I mean - there are wars, sure, but nothin' like what happened here. Not anywhere near me, anyway - the last war that happened in my country was like, a hundred and some years ago. Wars are somethin' you read about in history books, or watch movies about, or you see on the TV, in the news, happening in other countries so far away you don't even really know where they are on the map.

[A pause; the slosh of liquid against glass as she takes another swig.]

I, uh - I grew up in a real small town in the middle of nowhere, and a lot of the kids in my school had dreams of joining the military and fighting to defend freedom or whatever, but that was never me. I didn't have dreams of doing anything with my life. Hell, I figured I'd be dead by the time I got as old as I am now.

[A whole twenty-seven years old. Practically a grandma, right?]

But I - I had this friend I made here, a while back - he's gone now, but he'd lived for like, a thousand years. He'd been through wars, personally, and we had this mind-link thing happen once, on accident, when Confusion first turned up. I got to see what war was like, through his eyes. It was every bit as awful as the history books and TV reports and movies will have you believe, but ... it still wasn't anything like what happened here.

[She misses Ushahin, even though he was gone by the time she returned. She misses Chris, too, now that he's disappeared. She inhales a shaky breath, and it's not enough to keep her voice from wavering.]

I don't - sorry, I don't really know what I'm doin' here, y'know? I'm just a bartender from Chicago - I used to sing in a band. I'm not a fighter. I'm not a hero.

[And then, muffled, through her hand, before she kills the feed:] ... This is stupid.

Comments

[bekommen]

[She's quiet, listening, absorbing his words. She hasn't made much of an effort to help others; until her time in Hadriel, Nick was the poster girl for unhelpful. She didn't care about anyone other than herself, too wrapped up in her own pain and flaws to give a shit about anyone else's suffering or how she might be able to reach through and make any kind of difference.]

I don't really have any friends.

[Ushahin and Chris are both gone. Before she was brought to Hadriel, her best friend broke up with her, and in the time she was back, she didn't make much of an effort to connect with anyone new.]

Guess I haven't really helped anyone, huh.

[filmthenight]

Well, you might not think you have any right now. But you had said previously that you had a friend who had suffered a war scenario. Just because he isn't here anymore, I don't think that means he stopped being your friend. Alot of people can come and go from our lives.

And you might be having trouble rising back up to that opportunity. Alot of people, they don't like to see the people they're closest with go. It can cause a stagnation. But I think you should start one at a time. Even if it's a little. A smile can be enough to brighten someone's day, to lending a hand.

I'd bet my life on it that you are more influential than you think.

[bekommen]

[Nick laughs weakly.]

I wouldn't make that bet, if I was you. Unless you're just really suicidal or somethin'.

[filmthenight]

[Ha. That's a bit of an ongoing joke regarding Tatara in his homeworld.

Or... it was. Until he actually died. For the very reasons they all suspected he would.

So, he'll just give a slightly helpless laugh at that.]

Well, then. How about we try this: what would you have wanted to do differently, then?

[bekommen]

I dunno. I don't really get along with most people. I don't ... really know how.

[filmthenight]

Do you want to get along with most people, then? Or do you just wish to help them in some way?

[bekommen]

Don't really know that, either.