hadriel | 011 [Video]

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011 [Video]

[Lance is clearly back in Hadriel since the video is catching the backdrop of his kitchen, nondescript and standard as always; he really should decorate this place at some point. He's finally done something about his hair though, so although it's still long enough to curl a little it's back under control, if not exactly masterfully styled. He did his best.

But the biggest change after his vacation is that he seems a bit brighter than he has been recently, not as tense and distracted. Things aren't perfect or even really close to truly resolved, but they're better enough that he's making this post.]

Hey, so, I'm back from exploring, and therefore both my actual and metaphorical vacation; this means that if anyone needs any professional advice, or just to talk to someone, I'm available. Especially since the latest event seemed...

['Not great' are the words coming to him, but those aren't particularly professional, so--]

Particularly stressful, to all those involved, for reasons that may be more complicated than usual.

[He also totally stalked all those network posts that happened at the time, and is really glad he missed this event himself. He's keeping in mind the possibility of leaving the city to avoid others in the future if possible, though it's such a simple solution that he's not sure it'll work.]

I'd also like to remind those here, especially new arrivals, that we've recently compiled a list of people willing to teach different skills, and if you'd like to teach something just let me know what. Hopefully we can all stave off boredom and learn something useful at the same time.

[That part addressed, he feels like he should add something else he's been holding off on; it's been awhile, so surely people have noticed by now if they were going to care, but still.]

For anyone unaware, Dr. Brennan disappeared early last month. That means I have her book, if anyone who wanted to read it hasn't had a chance to do so yet.

[Because that's, of course, the biggest issue here. The book.

And, so as not to leave off on a somber note--]

Is there anything important that wasn't on the network that I missed while I was gone?

[Fill him in on stuff, people~]

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Okay. That sounds way better than an act of desperation.

[she's good with positivity. for other people! for herself? she has a hard time accepting it without looking for a catch]

...even though? Even though, what?

[speaking of looking for a catch? that definitely sounded like a lead-up to something big. then, nothing. what's up, Lance?]

[He glances off to the side at the question, almost cringing, though it's more at himself than anything George did as he has a brief mental debate. But, finally, he looks back at the screen.]

Even though I'm not sure it should count. I mean, logically it should, but since I won't make it to thirty at home it just feels kind of like it's cheating.

[yeah, this expression and that body language have her inner alarms ringing loudly in her ears]

...but since you won't...? Lance, are you--are you dead back home?

[He offers a faint attempt at a smile and a light comment, already feeling guilty for possibly upsetting her.]

Being an FBI agent is kind of a dangerous job.

[she is just. completely blindsided. and upset, yes, there is definitely that. but mostly blindsided. because holy shit, she did not expect]

I know, but. . . I had no idea. And I've been whining about my death to you and just. Had no fucking idea.

[He shakes his head immediately at that.]

You weren't whining, and part of the reason I've told so few people is exactly that I don't want anyone to feel guilty about talking to me about their problems. There's no way you could've known, because I was purposefully hiding it.

[Which... On one hand he feels somewhat accomplished about being so successful, but at the same time he doesn't like that that means it's such a shock.]

Yeah, but. . . doesn't it get to you? Not being able to talk about it?

[it would get to her. it would be bad. she'd ultimately crack and yell something about it on the network]

[He's quiet a few moments, still hesitant about being honest about his feelings, but then nods.]

It does, yeah. That was... Part of the reason for the whole vacation thing.

[For which he had, of course, deflected and brushed off the idea that it might've been due to any serious problem rather than just being tired.]

[she lets him be silent. this is a big deal and he's got to have his reasons for keeping it quiet for so long]

Because you were. Upset? Or depressed? And needed some space?

[that's the best she can figure for why he'd need the time off. it can't be easy, listening to other people's problems all the time without being free to do the same]

Pretty much all of that.

[And the vacation didn't last nearly long enough if he's really honest, but he's definitely doing better than he was. But again he's quiet several seconds, trying to decide if he should bring up the other part of this whole issue, but if he's being honest then he should be honest and he might as well get it all out at once.]

I know you understand that dying is a lot to deal with, and it wasn't just... It wasn't just that. My girlfriend Daisy and I were expecting a kid in a few months.

[And that's been a lot more difficult to handle than the actual being murdered part, even if that hasn't been great either.]

Well. I do know something about depression.

[she lets him take his time. she's been around death enough to know that everyone deals with it in their own ways. and that he may be a psychiatrist, but it's not always easy to apply coping methods you'd give to others to yourself]

...oh, fuck. That's. That's gotta be a lot to deal with. I'm--well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

[she can't imagine being in the position he's in. her own death shook her family to its core, but her little sister still has both of her parents]

I can't say I'm glad you do.

[He wishes she didn't; that's probably no surprise, although it's also no surprise that she does understand. Lance doesn't typically have depression issues, usually just similar symptoms caused for other reasons, but considering the whole psychologist thing he get the idea about as well as he can.

He nods, appreciating the condolences, but again feels more than a little guilty; he usually does, when he tell someone something like this, because he doesn't want to cause anyone to worry or feel badly because of him.]

Thank you. I'm... I'm figuring it all out, it's just taking awhile.

[But he'll be okay. No need to worry.]

Yeah, but. The thing is that I do. If you ever wanna talk about it.

[she doesn't remember a time when she hasn't been depressed. even as a child, the things that made childhood great for other people just left her cold. she never was one to run out and play with the other kids, she'd just sit and read or sit and do nothing.

they say that joy shared is doubled and pain shared is halved? at least that's what her boss at the temp agency tried telling her that one time. maybe it's not a completely bullshit notion? she's willing to give it a shot at least]

Well. The one death you can never get over is your own?

[she's gonna worry anyway]

I appreciate it.

[Even if he probably won't take her up on it, it still means a lot that she's willing to offer. He's quiet again at her last comment, considering it a few moments.]

It's weird, in this place, because psychologically it's like... Surviving some sort of traumatic event, but at the same time finding out you have a terminal illness and the reprieve is only temporary.

[And each of those situations is incredibly difficult on their own, let alone combined into one thing together; he's been thinking about this a lot, when trying to advise other people who are in a similar position. George's situation is a little more unique, since she'll continue to have experiences in her world after leaving Hadriel, but there's still the issue of coming to terms with a complete change in what 'life' is and knowing there's a clock ticking.]

Sure, it's no problem.

[fair warning, she's not going to just forget about this.

she's quiet for a long moment after his comment]

...yeah. That sounds like a pretty good analogy. So. What're you gonna do? Hope you stay here forever or try to find another world to go to. Granted, I know it's a little more--complicated, given the fact that you had a kid on the way, but--what are you gonna do?

[she can't imagine how much strength it took to hold this information in. or how much it requires to keep going forward, knowing that in your world, you're dead and there's nothing you can do about it. add in having to counsel other people in the same situation and it just sounds like a terrible burden that no one should have to carry alone. she's glad he trusted her enough to share it with her, but can't help feeling awful and angry on his behalf]

[He's also quiet again at the questions, finally offering a small shrug.]

I'm still not sure. I asked Hope if he would be willing, after everything with the Null is over, to try to find a way that I could choose a time to go back to instead of just a place; I only need a few minutes, and knowing what's going to happen, to change it.

[But it's such a long shot, and it might not even be possible. But, of course, all the other ideas he has are just as potentially impossible.]

If that isn't an option though, Kyna knows about the situation, and she suggested I come to her world. Dimensional travel exists there, so there's a chance that maybe I could...

[Maybe he could eventually get home that way.]

...I hope that works. You'd think after all the shit they put us through, they'd be nice enough to manage that much at least. They owe you one.

[while George is of the opinion that the gods could do a lot more for them, but choose not to. and she doesn't think that Lance's plan is a bad one. in fact, she thinks that it would work if he was given a chance to put it in motion]

And maybe you could hopscotch dimensions until you find the right one at the right time? That sounds--kinda risky. But it could work?

[George is more in favor of leaning on the gods to play nicely]

They owe all of us a lot.

[It's said slightly bitterly; Lance doesn't want the gods being wiped out or anything, but he's also not fond of them in the slightest with the possible exception of Hope.]

Yeah, exactly. I know it's a long shot, but it's better to have an unlikely backup plan than none at all.

Yeah. The least they can do is--is let those of us who died get the chance to fix it.

[she sounds resigned. she's never had a positive relationship with any of the gods aside from Fear. she assumes that as a whole, none of them give a fuck about the people here aside from their use as food]

I just worry that you'll get stuck hopping dimensions forever. That doesn't sound good.

I'm worried about that too.

[He admits it because he might as well; he's said this much so far, and really, it's too obvious an issue to pretend like it wouldn't concern him.]

But I know now, for sure, that I'm... That I'm dead at home. Or, technically, that I'll die very shortly after returning.

[Which is why he hasn't known for sure the whole time.]

So I'm not sure if I want to bet on my world having an afterlife over the possibility of finding my way back from Kyna's world.

About whether or not the gods'll be nice enough to give us a second chance?

[she thinks that they should. she figures that it's probably too late for her, but that it shouldn't be too late for anybody else]

It still blows my mind that you were able to keep quiet about it so long. Didn't it--didn't it get to you, holding it in?

[she's going to be Concerned about him from now on. between the depression and impending death and the fact that she (platonically!) loves him, he's going to have to get used to a lot more drop-in visits from a certain teenage Grim Reaper]

I know my world has an afterlife, but that doesn't mean that all worlds has it. How would you navigate the whole dimension thing, anyway?

No, the getting lost dimension-hopping. I'm not giving up on the gods idea, but I'm definitely not counting on it.

[He's pretty sure excuse after excuse will just keep coming up from them, and besides, it's probably only a matter of time before he ends up making them angry.

As for the next question he shrugs, shaking his head a little.]

I mean, it wasn't great, but I'm pretty practiced at keeping secrets. Psychologist thing.

[And also having some other major secrets he hasn't mentioned, but that's not the point.]

I told some people here before, though, whether because they figured it out or it just seemed like the right thing to do. But I definitely don't want it common knowledge or anything.

[Not that he thinks she'll go telling anyone, but still.]

I have no idea; I'm just taking Kyna's word for it that it's possible. Apparently she and her friends know of some magic item that'll do it, and some spells can as well, so...

[So he'll figure it out. Hopefully.]

Probably not a good idea to depend on those assholes, anyway. The only one who's been even kind of nice to me is Fear.

[when George talked to Rage, it ended in Rage threatening to feed her to the Null. so she definitely would get it about the eventually making them angry thing.

a dry chuckle] Yeah, I guess you'd have to be, given the profession.

[she can be trusted with even the most morally questionable stuff, given some of her behavior after becoming a Reaper]

No one's gonna hear it from me, that's for damn sure.

[she won't. she knows how private a thing death can be]

I hope it works. Really, I do. You deserve better than, y'know. Dying. Never getting to see your kid.

Hope was nice to me, and I think he genuinely doesn't want us to endure any undue suffering, but that's...

[Kind of the bare minimum, honestly, and Lance is trying to be very careful to step back and keep an objective look at things.

He nods a little at the rest of what she says, gaze flickering briefly to the side at the mention of his kid, but then back to the screen soon after.]

Thank you. But I'm not... You know it doesn't work that way. A lot people deserve better.

[And unfortunately that's not how life--or death--works, even if he appreciates the sentiment.]

Yeah, don't they call that "damning with faint praise?"

[George is incapable of being objective. as much as she likes to deny it, she's a creature of emotions and deep feelings. it's part of what got her into trouble as a Reaper, her tendency to try and save the lives of the people she was supposed to be reaping.

she notices that and worries that she's made him uncomfortable. that's what she gets for having a big mouth]

Then, I dunno, maybe the gods should send all of us who died to right before we did. I'd sure as fuck get out of the way of that toilet seat, if I had it to do again.

[she is entirely serious about this]

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