hadriel | three; video

[oh hello hadriel. it's "connor" but this isn't the silly laid back way he normally starts his posts, he looks very serious as he starts talking.]

Man, you guys are collectively the weirdest group of social media users. One day you're asking who ships what the next day you're making vague comments about something horrible someone did once. And it's always, "oh I couldn't possibly tell you what I did, but let me look for emotional support for my vast and intense guilt!" Please. You think you deserve sympathy for that?

[connor laughs, cold and bitter and shakes his head.]

I get it, I do. It's easier to not talk about it. Easier to live on the reputations you've built while you've been here and ask for help based solely on what people know than give up the ghost and actually show them the skeletons in your closet that you're so upset about. Maybe your friends will just imagine you cheated on your significant other once upon a time, or you accidentally lied to your mom, or you did something that, when we tell the whole story, actually sounds like it wasn't your fault at all. The kinds of things good people feel guilty about.

But let's face us - how many of us are actually good people? Why waste our time talking in circles about vague half-truths or covering our obviously deep-seeded issues with superfluous shitposting?

[he clears his throat and is quiet for a moment - dramatic flair, like he's about to drop some real truth bombs. (he is.)]

Here, I'll start: I killed my professor's husband with a group of friends. We covered up the murder like the good little future-lawyers that we are. We did a good job. We'll probably get away with it. Not that I'm likely to find out, since I'm stick here with all of you now.

[he's just going to let that...sink it. better to do it now before people start getting completely paranoid about the doubles than later on. but even if they figure out he's not his original - what does it matter? this wasn't some lie he was fabricating.]

That feels good, getting that out there. Now it's your turn.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ ok so that is all first-rate asshole stuff. Connor was right. Cashmere is surprised, because it all seems so cruel. she also knows he's better than all that. ]

A drug problem. You told him you cheated on him because you had a drug problem? And he believed it?

No, that's mixing up two things. I cheated on him, we broke up. Later, after the murder I was a mess and went to his place. The next morning I claimed I had a drug problem to cover for how I'd been the night of the murder.

[but it's not just that - oliver was kind of in on it, because of him. he'd dragged him into this whole mess.]

That's all pretty shitty, Connor. [ an understatement, tbh. ]

Didn't you feel bad about it?

I did it anyway. I pushed my way back into his life until he took me back.

[connor had felt awful about it -- feels awful about it. it's why he hadn't slept with anyone where, why for all his talk and bravado about flirting he didn't really mean anything by it.

that was all going to change.]

Do you love Oliver? [ she really just wants to find a way to excuse his behavior. love would be a good excuse. ]

[he's quiet for a moment, as if he's unsure. he's deciding what to do: he keeps being honest because honesty in this was important. if he's honest about everything, connor will be able to deny none of it when he gets back. but they both know about creative honesty - after all, he worked for annalise keating. he was learning from the best.

this though? this is a yes or no question. lie, and give a weakness to this argument? or tell the truth and give something in connor's favor?]

Yeah. I love him. I've never felt like this before.

[and look how he's squandered it.]

People do stupid stuff for love. When they're scared of losing it. [ not that it makes it any better, or less awful. but it's context. ] Really stupid stuff.

I'm glad you told me.

[at least she's agreed it was stupid, these are steps in the right direction]

I'll probably never get to see him again.

Mhm. Unless you get lucky and he comes here. Or you go home. Going home is a possibility, right? [ some people have left. she assumes they went home. Cashmere doesn't want to go home, so she's not given it a lot of thought. ]

Or maybe you stay here forever.

I don't want him to have to deal with being here. I don't really want to go back to this fucking mess.

[so. there you have it.]

So you're moving on? [ she shrugs. it is what it is. ] You should be happy. No offense but he's probably not going to wait for you forever, anyway.

No, he probably won't.

[most evidence points towards the idea he wouldn't]

You okay with that?

I was lucky to get the second chance I got.

I can't disagree with that.

[ she sighs. Connor is still being... kind of weird in the overall scheme of things, but he's eased some of her worries. ]

I still like you, you know.

Well, that's definitely a choice.

Sorry, guess you can't get rid of me.

Guess not.

[he will just have to try harder!!]

[ she's gonna be sorry tbh ]

I still think you're going to regret telling literally everyone about the worst thing you ever did.

You tell people what you did.

I do, but I don't tell everyone everything. And winning the Games hasn't ever been a secret. It was televised. I was raised to compete in it. It's not like an accident that happened. It's part of who I am. Even if it's shitty.

[ it's the rest of the details she leaves out. she doesn't care who know she's a killer. not everyone needs to know what it means to be a Capitol darling. ]

Murder is murder. It's like you said - one big happy club. So what does it matter if people know?

Because there's a difference between people like you who made a mistake, and people like me, who were trained to do it. You know, I used to tell kids it was easy. That they'd feel nothing when they did it, nothing except pride because every time they killed someone they were one step closer to coming home.

And you cried about it. Last time we talked about it. And now you're fine with it?

[god cashmere dont go telling people he cried thats embarrassing]

I don't know.

You don't have to be okay with it. It's fucked up. [ it's hard to not stare at him, like if she watches him long enough she'll figure out what's wrong with him. ]

I don't want you to be devastated and crying all the time but this cold, don't give a fuck attitude about it? It's not you.

(no subject)

iustitiae - 2017-01-23 05:03 (UTC) - Expand

64th - 2017-01-23 05:07 (UTC) - Expand

iustitiae - 2017-01-23 05:10 (UTC) - Expand

64th - 2017-01-23 05:17 (UTC) - Expand

iustitiae - 2017-01-23 07:18 (UTC) - Expand