hadriel | ✘ Round 3

Entry tags:

✘ Round 3 | [Audio]

[Despite things in his apartment being a little bit more complicated than usual, Glacius comes to the network today with a relatively straightforward question. Since Carlisle has sequestered himself away in his room--again, a concerning tendency that has developed only recently-- he assumes now is as good a time as any, though he doesn't particularly care if the clergyman sees it or not. One way or another he's going to find out what the alien is up to, he'd just prefer his efforts to culminate in a nice surprise for his friend.] Hello, fellow residents of Hadriel. I have a simple question, so I will get right to it: is there anyone here would happen to be kind enough to teach me how to make any dishes or meals that are commonly enjoyed by humans?

I live amongst you now, after all, so I should... probably know how to better provide for my friends. You can leave recipes here--or if you are feeling particularly inclined, I would be willing to take lessons as well. It would have to be in your residence, however... I doubt my roommate is currently up to entertaining company, and I do not want to infringe upon what I assume is wanted space.

Thank you for your time.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Glacius chuffs as Carlisle presses to his chest and attempts to show his approval for the way he seeks solace by tucking him up tighter against his underbody, which is still bared locally to the clergyman. His remark, however, gives the otherworldly being pause; he rubs between his partner's shoulderblades thoughtfully as he considers it.] That is, unfortunately, the nature of doubt... it is a tricky, poisonous thing. It can slip into the mind of even the most devout. But that is why it is important that we take whatever chance we are given to tell one another how feel feel about each other, to do something nice for the other. We must build up love and trust--o-or, ah, I am sorry, affection and trust-- so that when we feel doubt start to threaten, we have plenty of good memories to draw on to fight it off.

Doubts and fears are to be expected when entering into something new... but over time we will build up memories and gestures that prove otherwise. Over time, our relationship will go stronger... but no matter what happens, we must never stop supporting one another.

That makes it all the more difficult should one of us be taken away.

[And that fear of loss would be the crux of his anxiety regarding this relationship and the deeper it goes; there's bitterness in his voice. He wants it, wants them, but how can he? How can he knowing what may happen, what inexorable loneliness he'll have to feel, and while alive rather than trapped between the planes? The doubts and fears that can be expected when entering something so new aren't what scare him -- it's that he's already familiar with them that does. He lost his father, he lost his uncles, and his goddess can only provide so much relief. She is rather aloof, after all. Why would she care about a single clergyman in her service?

He pulls another breath in and pushes it out, his fingers curling again along Glacius' back. Perhaps that's why the way Glacius makes him feel is so incredibly important in his eyes -- not only because no one has ever exposed him to such a breadth of emotion, but because the alien usually keeps Carlisle's own trepidation at bay, so flooding him with solace and reverie that he cannot even remember why he was afraid in the first place.

Carlisle presses his face tighter against Glacius' underbody, trying to shut out everything else, focusing on the hand at his back, on the comfort he's being given. It's so much easier to take what Glacius gives him than to ask for more, especially when he already feels so demanding... and yet, he inches toward such a request.]

I don't want to feel like this.

We cannot control that. We cannot allow ourselves to live in fear of what may never be. [Even though he sometimes feels that fear himself, the ice alien will not allow it to govern him. For so long now, he's had people trying to make him afraid--Ultratech, and now the gods. He won't let his will bend to anything like this... but Carlisle has already had aspects of his life shaped and molded by what he fears. He doesn't have the same experience resisting that Glacius does, hasn't had the same training of his will. It will take time to work him back from that edge... but the alien is nothing if not a dedicated partner. He'll do what it takes, even if that means honoring silent requests... perhaps especially then.

With Carlisle tucked up so closely against him, it's a simple matter for Glacius to use his strength to heft the human up into his lap; the ice alien leans back against the pillows propped against the headboard, essentially inviting his partner to straddle him. When he speaks again his voice is dipping towards that deep, sonorous rumble.] So then, Carlisle... what do you want to feel?

[Carlisle nods, trying to take Glacius' words to heart. He will think harder on them later -- for now, he'd rather drown those thoughts.

And with alcohol no longer an option, he turns to other methods. He lets his legs rest on either side of Glacius' hips, his hands set carefully atop the alien's chest as he tries to figure out what to do now. His color deepens; he struggles not to overthink it, as he does everything.]

I... [No, repeating himself isn't the answer Glacius is looking for.] I don't want to think about my own doubts anymore. I don't want to think about what could happen or what has yet to happen. I just... I want to be here. And with you.

[He reddens, still feeling his eyes burn from his tears. It's so hard to be direct, even when he knows what he wants.]

You will have to face them eventually... but for now, if succor and relief is what you desire... then let me grant you such. [Glacius purrs in time with a roll of his hips, upwards against the clergyman situated squarely over him. This is admittedly more than a bit of a guess on his part given how Carlisle is in general with physical contact... but he's become more desirous of it recently, and he can always speak up if the alien is overstepping his bounds.]

[The friction against him feels good, but it's relief is only momentary; he'll miss this if he gets sent home, and that's if he remembers—

His fingers curl inward again, his nails digging into his palms; though his face is still red, there's a quiet terror written across him. Stop.

He tries again, forcing his hands open, finding those tendons in Glacius' neck and massaging them, searching for that heavy rumble of arousal. They're so strong, a reflection of Glacius himself. So strong, so brave... and yet, incredibly vulnerable. He has a weakness; Carlisle makes him weaker.

The clergyman stiffens again, his brow knitting, his teeth grinding together so tightly that his lips part; one hand goes back to Glacius' chest while the other covers his face, hiding it as he folds on on himself atop his partner.]

I'm sorry. I don't- I don't mean to not know what it is I want. I don't know why it is I don't know.

Edited 2017-03-15 09:13 (UTC)

[Glacius lifts his head up immediately, heaving a gusting sigh of approval as Carlisle's hands massage soothingly against the tendons on his neck... but then before he can really sap much enjoyment out of it they've pulled away, and when he blinks, opens his eyes, and then lowers his head to look upon his partner he finds him hunched despondently.] It's--it's alright. It's alright, Carlisle. You have been through so much recently, emotionally and physically--it is perfectly natural that you might need time to adjust. I just wanted to try and provide you some respite from everything, but I don't want you to feel any pressure to perform.

[The ice alien pauses, then scoots his hipds forward a little bit more so that he's closer to a supine position, then tucks the clergyman up against him, both hands holding him tight.] So just lay here with me and breathe for a little. Then, when you feel more ready, try to sort through what it is that you are feeling. Is it fear holding you back from this... or pushing you into it? Did you come to me for this because you wanted to feel this with me again... or only because you did not want to feel something else? Perhaps asking yourself these questions will be a good way to begin sorting out what it is that you truly want.

[Carlisle lets Glacius maneuver him, hoping the alien's arms around him will make him feel protected from his own intrusive thoughts. It... does help a little, actually. He knows the answer to both of those questions is the latter choice: it's fear. Rather than faith or fellowship, it's always fear that forces his hand.

He mumbles against Glacius, his voice muffled as it travels between them.]

I think I just want to not think anymore.

[What a terrible time to quit drinking.]

Well, you're going to have to at some point. You've already agreed to stop deadening your mind with harmful substances, and fixating on that strategy won't help you now--it is only preventing progress. [Glacius sighs lightly, continuing to stroke the clergyman's back.] That being said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to take your mind off of things for a little bit, nothing wrong with seeking solace from someone that cares about you. Would it.. make you feel better if you just laid back, and let me see what I can do provide you some relief? Or would you rather try to talk things out with me..? Or one, and then the other?

[He sighs -- it, too, is muffled.]

Let's talk. Talking is familiar. At least I know how to do that.

[Though given the way he stumbles over his own words sometimes, that is debatable.]

Tell me more about your world. Or your family. Something.

O-oh, ah. [Glacius had meant to suggest that they talk about what's bothering Carlisle, bit if this will help him take his mind off of it for the moment, then he supposes he's up for it. He keeps rubbing at his partner's back with one hand, seeking out knots and points of tension that he's sure have reemerged since he last gave him massaged, trying to work him into a state of relaxation. The other threads slowly through the clergyman's slicked-down, still-damp hair; having never been with a partner that possessed any before this and having never been close enough to a human before long enough to really inspect it, the alien finds himself fascinated by the texture of it, enraptured by the softness of it.] Well, there's my father...

... He's where I got my taste for peacekeeping from, it seems. Though he wasn't a galactic marshal--he only served locally, being wary of stepping beyond the safety of our homeworld due to the warnings of my ancestor, who I believe I told you about. He served the local city's law enforcement for the great majority of his life, but around the time my mother became pregnant with me, he resigned in order to be closer to home... [Glacius begins to trail off, not sure how long he should remain on this subject for fear of making the loss of family that Carlisle suffered feel raw again. He changes course slightly.]

Together they imparted many values unto me. I learned my a great deal about respect and self-discipline from my father; my mother imparted unto me sternness, but she had great compassion beating in her hearts for the people close to her. I've been told I take after the both of them... [And just like his partner, he misses his family very, very much.]

[Carlisle listens quietly; despite how much he misses his own family, he finds it more comfortable to focus on Glacius' words and the tone of his voice than his own thoughts. Closing his eyes, he tries to relax as he takes in the caress of the alien's hand against his back, the other lacing itself through his damp hair. He pulls in a few steady breaths as he attempts to picture Glacius' family in his mind's eye. They don't look all that different from Glacius himself, unfortunately: not only does Carlisle have no clue about the sexual dimorphism of Glacius' kind, but he's also not terribly creative when it comes to such imaginings.]

I can only assume you got the best of both of them, then. [Glacius is so patient, after all, so endlessly kind and compassionate. Carlisle pulls in another breath, continuing so the silence doesn't linger.] I'm told I look a lot like my mother, but as for my values, I suppose those must have come from my father and uncles.

You flatter me... [Glacius purrs, though he still seems reluctant to dip into the matter of family. He tries to keep it from dipping too much into their past, instead focusing on more abstract topics--and though he'd like to keep Carlisle from speaking too much so that he can continue slipping into a more relaxed state, he does find himself curious.] So tell me about your values, then. I know your faith is one of them, and you honor your family as well. You have shown to be utterly dedicated to the well-being of your friends. What else is important to you? What else would you defend?

[Those are questions that give Carlisle pause. He's spent so much of his life utterly dedicated to his goddess, falling more and more into his practice as he lost his family. It was easier to focus on the singular goal of possible redemption in the eyes of the Camisou than it was to admit he was a failure, and that there was no saving his bloodline; his devotion kept him moving when he would have otherwise stopped, having lost everything he felt worth living for.

Well, his devotion and fear of what awaits him after death. Fear is an incredible motivator in the right circumstances.]

I...

[Hesitation, followed by a frustrated sigh.]

I don't know. I don't know what there is to defend. My garden, my books. What else is there to me?

All the people in this cave that care about you, for starters. [Glacius murmurs, still stroking away at his partner.] Your penchant for learning and study, and your propensity for passing your skills down to others even of different worlds. Your magical talents, your ability to heal the body and listen to the woes of the mind. What do you mean "what else is there"? You are a talented and admirable individual who honors the things close to him with time and tending. I just... wanted to know if there was anything else that perhaps you hadn't shared with me.

[Carlisle stays close to Glacius, his breath evening out as the alien's hand at his back relaxes him. He is often so blind to his own virtues because the veil of his failures is so dense; Glacius is a guiding light in the darkness, as always.

But for all the strength in him that Glacius sees, there are things Carlisle hasn't shared with the alien. Concerns, worries. Activities within the cave. The clergyman is quiet a moment, further hesitation obvious.]

I... suppose I would do anything to defend my friends, even if it is not the best choice.

[Even those like Shadow or Algidus, who wouldn't consider themselves 'friends' at all.]

Perhaps I'm just afraid of losing them, as well.

[It always comes back to fear.]

Edited 2017-03-16 04:53 (UTC)

I think we can attribute that to your good heart--always wanting to stand by people, even if they have wronged you or hurt you. It is not a bad thing that you harbor no cruelty, Carlisle... but you must learn that when someone has become a toxic presence, rather than a source of happiness or support, it is not a bad thing to cut them out. You can only invite so much hurt into your life before it begins to warp and twist you... and you have already suffered plenty, my partner. You may not want to lose anyone, but you do not want to lose yourself, either... and those that are worth keeping will stand by you, and seek to set things right when they have wronged you.

I have wondered that, regarding Algidus.

[It's easier to talk about others than himself, even those who have given him a lot of grief.]

If he truly was... you in some other time and place... what was it that changed him? What so gnarled his heart that he became nearly unrecognizable?

[And he leaves the heaviest question unasked as he curls tighter against his friend, his partner: if something could twist Glacius in such a way, would it happen again?]

Edited 2017-03-16 16:43 (UTC)

[Carlisle may leave it unasked, but it seems like Glacius is asking himself something along those lines--curled so tightly against him as the clergyman is, he'll be able to feel the way the alien tenses, then holds him a little more tightly.] I... I don't know. I can't say, and it's part of the reason I wish so badly that I had gotten the chance to speak to him. We don't even know if he really was... some other version of me... but if he was, what does his aggressive behavior and proclivity for violence say of me?

[The ice alien pauses and takes a breath, fighting the urge to look away.] Ever since I took Cinder's life, I have wondered if it meant that I have... darker tendencies lurking somewhere in my hearts. Would this not be evidence of that? Am... am I an aberrant? I don't... I don't want to...

[Carlisle places a hand along Glacius' chest as the alien starts to trail off; out of reach of his forehead and the scar, it's the next best thing in terms of showing solidarity.]

Even the most virtuous of men has the capacity for ill will, but that does not make us absolutely evil, Glacius. And even if you were an aberrant, would that change anything between us?

[It didn't change how he viewed his friendship with Algidus, after all. If anything, it provided him with some level of understanding as to why the green alien felt like an outcast.]

Edited 2017-03-16 21:34 (UTC)

An aberrant is not necessarily absolutely evil-- [Glacius starts, but the hand on his chest causes him to pull in a breath, cutting himself off before he starts over.] So long as you always stand by me as you have in the past, and never deign to pass judgment on me, I... I cannot see anything changing between us. But that doesn't make this... this notion, this fear any easier to bear! I have lived my whole life trying to do right by my people, to never go against them or jeopardize them in any way. I don't want to have that taken from me! I already don't belong in this cave. I don't want to be an outcast from my own people, too!

[There's a second or two of silence, then Carlisle shifts in Glacius' arms, moving himself closer to the alien's face so he can take the injured side in his hand. That's better.]

I... truly do understand how you feel, Glacius. [His brow furrows, eyes falling.] To have those you've spent your life serving so diligently turn on you is a burden I'd wish on no one, certainly you.

[He still remembers the way they glared at him as he was dragged away by the Inquisitors, the looks on people's faces as the last of the Longinmouth line was painted as the true reason for their downfall. He'd believed it all those years, and it was in that moment that the people of Bear Den did, too. His service in the years that followed showed he was fit for clergy, but for his bloodline?

No, never. He was cursed, and nothing he did for his goddess or his people could change that. His eyes flick back to Glacius -- there's that feeling he had for Algidus welling in his chest, that sense of hopeful camaraderie within misfortune. It had gone so poorly with the green alien, and yet, he continues. After all, Glacius is not Algidus -- and he hopefully never will be.]

But... to be an outcast would be one more thing we'd have in common, were it true. It's not so bad to belong with me, is it?

Edited 2017-03-17 02:24 (UTC)

[Glacius seems to take comfort from the hand upon his scar... he places his own up over it, meeting Calisle's gaze, his own glowing green eyes filled with sympathy.] I--of course. I am sorry, Carlisle, in my own anguish I spoke carelessly. I did not mean to bring up bad memories, to seem as though I was casting any sort of condemnation on your own life. Those that turned on you were wrong to do so, and utterly mistaken about who you are.

[But that gives him cause, especially as the clergyman continues and speaks not with similar reassurances, but with talk as if this is actually a plausible fate for him. The otherworldly being's face tightens up, conflict clear in his features again.] No, of course not--I am as happy at your side as I can ever recall being. But... why can I not belong with both? Is this... truly what you think of me? All that talk of me being upright and good... thrown out just because of this... other alien that may or not be me, in another world, another time? Why can I not just--just be my own?

[Which, ironically, is the same thing Algidus had craved so desperately.]

[His brow knits tighter; oh, this isn't going as well as he'd hoped... much like it hadn't with Algidus.]

I- I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't belong with both. You're not him. I just—

[He sighs, sitting up once more. They really are alike sometimes -- not so much in temperament, but absolutely in their ultimate goals. They want to belong, to have a place in the world. Carlisle cannot deny knowing that feeling, as well.]

You tell me that my world has wronged me, that such treatment has no bearing upon who I truly am and what good I have done... yet, you think that just because I suggested it might not be so bad to be an outcast that I'd lump you in with someone as foul-tempered as Algidus? Would you think the same for me and the other twice-cursed, criminals and necromancers who'd turn against their own kind? Or would you think that the things the other me said were thoughts of my own rather than his? I'm not him, and you're not Algidus. I—

[Another sigh, more frustrated.] I just wanted to allay your fears... to let you know that even if you are cast aside by your people, there is still good to you, even if they cannot see it, or if they hide it from your eyes. It doesn't change who you are, and what you have done because you had to. If you hadn't, then perhaps you wouldn't be here. Perhaps I wouldn't be here.

Edited 2017-03-17 03:14 (UTC)

[It's rare that a fire is lit within Carlisle, but Glacius recognizes this passion as being fervently for him, and it's enough to snap him right out of his torment. He butts against the hand on his face, then clasps it in his own more fiercely as he frowns.] I--thank you, Carlisle. I did not mean to mistakenly twist your words. My fears blinded me for a moment, but I know now that what I saw as an expression of doubt was actually a proclamation of loyalty. I am... so fortunate to have a partner that would stand by me no matter what, that would not allow the perceptions of another to alter how he feels about me. That would tread beside me regardless of the obstacles that we might face... knowing that, I can walk my path without wavering.

That is a great gift. I feel the same way about you, and for what it's worth... [The ice alien finally cracks a small smile, slipping a hand to the back of the clergyman's head and leaning his own foreward, inviting him to press his forehead to his.] ...I am very glad you are here.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject