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hail and well met good citizens of hadriel! i am magnus burnsides, and i am new to this whole. thing. this thing i am holding in my hands. sorry if i make any weird faux pas i was literally born yesterday. i am but a babe in this land of science fiction.

this is beside my point here but there are a LOT of weird things in these houses?? does anyone know what these machines are for?? i tried pressing some buttons but now the place just smells like bad eggs?

anyway the point is:
is there any way to get back something the door didnt bring with you? like a special weapon or beloved pet or dwarven cleric? does the door do delivery basically is what im asking here. can i order take out from the door. can i special order fries from the door.

i know i just have a ton of questions and nothing really useful to offer in return. tell you what, ill make you a sweet wooden duck or something as thanks. willing to be flexible on the shape of the wooden item. alternately if you got something made of wood and its broken i can take care of that for ya. help me and ill help you?

ok thanks love you see you!

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[While Magnus is making this post, Taako is burning a spell slot on using Gust of Wind to get that god damn smell out of here. He is not living with that thing and thank goodness there's windows in this place. Someone else can deal with that. When the kitchen no longer smells like ass, he saunters over to Magnus, peering at his device around his shoulder.]

Did anybody else have like, an answer for what the hell that was? Or did we discover the built-in death feature or something?

[Magnus scrolls on his little techie-doodad that no one's given a proper name for near or at him yet, squinting at the little screen while making the worst stank concentration face like a grandpa.]

Uhhh... Nope. But one guy told me there's a thing called a "garbage disposal" in the sink that just... makes noises? So just. Great advice all around.

[Magnus multitasks between his little device thing and the big device things in front of them. Like... okay, how about this big box thing with a door? He opens it up.]

Okay, no, this one's easy. It's obviously an icebox. Except it just stays cold with magic I guess? I guess those emotion guys have either got to be real gods or like, just the opposite of Jenkinses. The anti-Jenkins.

[He can't much make heads or tails of these things either; people use them like stones of far speech, but there's much more finessed buttons and even the transmission of pictures. Frankly, it's pretty fancy. Also, teaching Taako what a camera is means soon he'll know what selfies are and the world will never be peaceful again. Regardless, he watches Magnus cross the room idly, and lets out an ugly snort at his joke.]

Yeah, they're just like, here goes spells fuckin' everywhere. That'd take a lot of 'em, though. Could be a charm or a transmutation thing? Like something that fulfills itself.

Oh, uh, that thing does water, though. Got that one together.

[He gestures to the sink. It's... that wasn't even hard, Taako, do better.]

[Magnus, still typing on his phone, glances up at the sink.]

Okay, I got more. That's the sink, and that [He points at the bigger one that made the fartsmell happen.] is an oven. And it makes gas, just like a person.

[What about this one, though? Magnus goes to another, much smaller box, and opens it. It's empty, but the door opening turns a light on inside.]

...Why would you need a light inside a box? [He waves his hand around inside. Nothing really happens. He closes the door and presses a few buttons and it turns on. Though what it does is still a mystery.]

Yeah, I got nothing. Maybe it's a teleporter.

[Taako taps on his chin a little as he looks around, moving over to the oven and staring at it.]

Oh, like... gas, so, for fire? For like cooking and stuff. Why doesn't it just make fire though?

[That, he can follow. The lightbox... not so much.]

Put something in it you don't care about and see what happens. I'd, uhm, I'd cast detect magic or whatever, but everything's just stupid levels of magic, so.

[Seriously, it's pissing him off a little. It's hard to isolate one magic thing in here since there seems to be magic fucking everywhere.]

Uhhh...

[Something he doesn't care about. Hmm. Well, there's plenty of extra silverware in case he accidentally teleports one to the center of the planet or something. So he grabs a butter knife, the most useless of knives, and places it inside the lightbox and closes the door.

The light unceremoniously turns off the second he closes the door, like normal. But maybe something still happened? After a minute of waiting and staring, he opens the door again.

Nope. Still a butter knife, sitting there uselessly.]

Maybe if you put stuff in it stops existing as long as the light is off. The ultimate form of containment.

[Taako watches, from a very slight distance, juuuust in case something goes wrong, but obviously nothing is happening, so he walks over, nudging Magnus to the side so he can take a look.]

I dunno, that seems... pretty pointless, 'cause it's still taking up space, right? That'd only be good if it took really big stuff.

[And god help him, because he finally rolled something over a fucking 10 on investigation, he notices there's buttons.]

What about these things?

[He presses a couple, listening to the beeping noises, and then hits start- as the light turns back on again, and it makes a whirring noise, and he immediately takes a few steps back, hands up.]

Alright, well, this stopped being my wheelhouse, now it's doing something.

Wh--

[Magnus' hand immediately goes to the axe at his side when the thing turns on, and there's a few seconds of silent staring as it just does its thing, but Magnus is so clueless as to the first thing it could possibly be doing that he doesn't relax even when nothing totally dangerous seems to be happening.

Which is good, because that's when something dangerous starts happening, as the butter knife starts to snap, crackle, and pop.]

Uh, Taako? It's making weird noises.

[He reaches over to open the door again, and that's when flames start bursting from the butter knife. Magnus yelps and recoils instantly.]

Why! Why would that be useful!!

[And that's when the entire box catches fire.]

Um? Um??? Taako!?!

[CAST A SPELL OR SOMETHING.]

[He jumps a solid few inches in the air as it starts making noises, and he takes a step back towards Magnus- he is not above throwing himself behind the other man if the going gets tough, but right now he has absolutely no idea what's going on, especially since he's still trying to figure out who in their right mind would want this Death Box in their home.]

I don't know! I don't know what it's doing! I didn't do this!

[Yes, he did, but that's not important.]

I don't-- I don't have a cancel fire spell, Magnus, I don't-- fuck, hang on!

[He halfheartedly pushes Magnus back, because this is a big spell and liable to have splash damage but he doesn't actually expect to have the strength to shove him outright, and grabs the Umbra Staff from the floor, casting Cone of Cold. Except Cone of Cold is a SIXTY FOOT CONE, which means it encompasses the microwave (and freezes the damn thing solid), along with... like a bunch of the ceiling.]

Who. The fuck. Wants that. What the hell do you do with a fire box? Why do so many things in here need to create fire? I'm, I'm serious about this, okay, I've had three separate people here talk to me about how great technology is but frankly, I can't see a single use for that.

Edited (oops forgot a word) 2017-05-28 05:57 (UTC)

[Taako's push barely nudges him, but Magnus takes the hint and backs up out of the way, which is very good because Taako just blasts frost over half the entire kitchen. Which puts the fire out, certainly, but also renders the Heatdeath Box unusable. Which is probably a good thing, really???]

Yeah, I mean, wood is flammable??? They make houses out of wood here, right?

[Magnus, suddenly consumed, knocks on the wall. Okay, fuck, it's wood, but with how curvy everything is he could've been convinced otherwise.]

Yeah, anyway, we obviously didn't need a Heatdeath Box, so good riddance, I say. Remember when the icebox was just normal, and not terrible and confusing? I liked that, let's go back to that. I mean, look at this!

[He points at the big box with door (oven) and other big box with door (dishwasher).]

These are two of the same thing!? I guess!? I mean, for all I know, they probably also both set things on fire, but now I don't trust them! Everything in this apartment wants to burn it down!

Is that, just, is it like a killswitch? Like, hey, we don't need this thing anymore, here's the automatic fire button?? Then again, these are the same people that made an entire city underground and kidnapped us so maybe they're not that smart on, on the regular.

[He looks towards where Magnus is pointing, but only got a 5 on Investigation, so...]

I mean, one of 'ems got, uh, the gas stuff on top, but I'm kinda inclined to believe you at this point.

[Everything so far has been fire. Well, the sink is water, and then there's the icebox, which is also water.]

I guess it's equal chances it's a water thing. Since, uh, there's the water thing, and the icebox.

This is stupid.

[Magnus squints closer at the non-gas big box with door. Taako could be right about it being a water thing...

He rolled the fucking same on investigation so he opens it, fully intending to check the thing out.]

Huh. There's nothing inside but, like, racks? For stuff? Maybe it's a fucked up pantry?? But it's got these buttons...

[He starts pressing randomly at the buttons, because that worked out so well for him last time, and instantly hot water starts gushing out and spraying everywhere. Magnus lets out a shriek in surprise.]

IT'S A WATER THING!!!

[Taako, for his part, isn't in very close, keeping back but close enough to peer over his shoulder as he pokes around, jumping nearly a foot backwards as Magnus starts to get sprayed.]

See, like-- what does that do! Soak your produce? Wash your--

[Alright, that's a fifteen-- he steps forward and hits the biggest button, which happens to be the power, thankfully sparing Magnus more self-induced waterboarding.]

I think this, uh, this washes stuff for you. See there's, uh, there's a little soap thing.

[He points to the back of the door, where there's a little box labelled 'soap'.]

I guess that could be useful. But water already comes out of that, why does it also need to come out of this? I guess if it does it for you...

[AAAAAoh thank god the water stopped pouring out. There is now a sizable puddle on the floor. Magnus shakes his foot dry and then slaps it right back down in the wet.]

I feel like the people here had so much fucking, like, technological knowhow, they just started inventing shit that does the same shit but different. Self-cooling icebox? Makes sense, sounds reasonable, good use of their time. Water producer AKA the "sink", yeah, I get it, water in the home automatically, sure. Big box that sprays water all over itself? I think they were just running out of places to use their watery magicks at this point, like, the sink already cleans shit for you, it's called using a sponge like a person.

[Magnus is so mad, okay. He feels soggy and pitiful and he almost set the whole house on fire. Nothing makes sense in this apartment and, if Hotaru is to be believed, they already narrowly avoided exploding the place just because they turned a fucking knob. He is so done with Hadriel's bullshit.]

[Coincidentally, he looks soggy and pitiful, and Taako knows it's stopped being funny when that Tone enters Magnus' voice that means he's officially past this shit and he needs to find a new joke.]

Hey, you could use it to get blood out of stuff. Or drown things.

[He's idly looking around the rest of the kitchen, mind drifting to the sort of supplies it comes stocked with and how much more he could get his hands on. If they're gonna be stuck here, he might as well get used to this place.]

Okay, so... we got an ice box, water box, fire box... you think they got, uh, a lightning box? Or, uh, a rock box or something? I was gonna say wood box, but I think the whole house is uh, a wood box by default.

I mean, there's got to be a lightning box, they've got that fancy electric lighting like, straight outta Lucas' lab. Please don't tell me if you find a rock box. And like, a wood box would be welcome at this point. A wood box is normal. That's a normal box.

[It's called a Crate. But, okay, Magnus wanders over to start looking in closets for towels. At least for himself, if not for the floor. He opens a door, and discovers... yet more metal boxes.]

...Taaaaaakoooooooo.

[He figures a wood box is like, a box that creates wood, by these standards, since these create water and fire and now I guess they have IceBox #2, considering the fire box is now frozen to the ceiling. It'll probably thaw. They'll lock it. But he hears Magnus' concerned voice and turns, slowly, to stare at his fate.]

Son of a bitch. What is it with these people and boxes?

[WHO NEEDS THIS MANY BOXES. WHO THE FUCK. He walks over cautiously, but not within touching distance, picking up the Umbra Staff juuuuust in case.]

... Do those have buttons?

[Magnus looks over the new boxes. The labels are unreadable, just like everything else in this apartment, and sure enough, they have buttons. He doesn't just start randomly pressing them because he rolled well enough this time. He's learning.]

Buttons and knobs, just like the other big ones. They look basically the same as them, too, which is, like... come on. Come on now. Only, one of them opens on top, I guess. To really change things up.

[Magnus just. Sighs very loudly.]

[Taako is much too cautious after the last two boxes made full-blown attacks on Magnus to touch the thing, but thankfully, he has spells for that.]

Here, step back, I'm gonna mage hand this shit.

[True to his word, he waves the Umbra Staff and the spectral hand appears, as Taako points it towards the new metal box.]

We're gonna use magic, like people, and not like, uh, cavemen or whatever. Just in case this one's also a fire thing.

[And step back Magnus does. He's perfectly willing to let Taako handle this one, thank you very much. He's so done with metal boxes.]

If it's a fire thing we're moving out and never touching another thing that looks like this again.

Y'know, normally I wouldn't agree with you, but uh, yeah. I'm donezo with fire boxes.

[He squints at the top-loading box, trying to read the text and just ending up failing. So instead he just has the hand press some buttons, sending out a series of beeps before it starts rattling as it (apparently) starts up. Taako tenses again, the mage hand dissipating, until it becomes semi-apparent it's not exploding. He summons the hand again and lifts the lid from afar, and when nothing happens, he peers inside.]

... Oh, no, it's another water thing. It's spinning, too.

Spinning?? Water??? What the fuck is that for?

[He peers in too, but yeah. That sure is some spinny water junk happening.]

Okay, we don't have to move out, but I'm never touching this thing again. I don't like the spin of its jib.

Hah! Yeah, can't believe this thing couldn't wash it's own ji--

[Wait. Fuck. Waaaaaait. (Guess who rolled well on his investigation roll.)]

Oh shit, wait, what if this washes stuff. Does it have a soap thing?

Uhhh... Noooo?? Wait, what's this jug? Bet it's not soap, it would make too much sense.

[Magnus hefts down said jug that's sitting within the spinny water box portal, on a shelf above said water box.

He twists off the cap and peeks inside. Shrugs and rolls a 9 so he just fucking??? takes an exploratory sip babes??

Blehhhhh out comes the laundry detergent as quick as it enters in a sputtery spit mess on the floor. Thankfully not back in the jug.]

Well, I just drank lavender soap. You were right and I'm a huge idiot.

[Taako can in no way stop himself from busting out laughing, having to lean on the wall for support.]

Dude, I can't believe you even rush into cramming unknown things in your mouth, holy shit. Shoulda known that earlier, who knows what I could've gotten you to eat.

[At least he'll take like, the tiniest amount of pity on him and prestidigitations away the part-detergent-part-spit on the floor, but that's mostly because he doesn't want to look at it. He could've made Magnus taste something else, but respectfully, Magnus didn't ask, so.]

Okay, so it does... so it washes stuff, but it's all spinny, right? Looks like it'd break anything you put in it.

[He only got a 4, so. Hasn't quite made the clothes connection yet.]

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action, for absolute garbage

action as in ready for action, right taako

uh yeah as in YOU'RE ready for action, not him

i mean obviously. but taakos invited

he appreciates it but tbh he's good out here

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