text

[armcollector]

hail and well met good citizens of hadriel! i am magnus burnsides, and i am new to this whole. thing. this thing i am holding in my hands. sorry if i make any weird faux pas i was literally born yesterday. i am but a babe in this land of science fiction.

this is beside my point here but there are a LOT of weird things in these houses?? does anyone know what these machines are for?? i tried pressing some buttons but now the place just smells like bad eggs?

anyway the point is:
is there any way to get back something the door didnt bring with you? like a special weapon or beloved pet or dwarven cleric? does the door do delivery basically is what im asking here. can i order take out from the door. can i special order fries from the door.

i know i just have a ton of questions and nothing really useful to offer in return. tell you what, ill make you a sweet wooden duck or something as thanks. willing to be flexible on the shape of the wooden item. alternately if you got something made of wood and its broken i can take care of that for ya. help me and ill help you?

ok thanks love you see you!

Comments

[armcollector]

"no"?? no to what?

[armcollector]

sooo... "no" to the wooden duck gift, "maybe" to door delivery?

[You can practically hear the wishful thinking in Magnus' text. Wishful thinking or willful misinterpretation, whichever it is.]

action, for absolute garbage

[pocketspa]

[While Magnus is making this post, Taako is burning a spell slot on using Gust of Wind to get that god damn smell out of here. He is not living with that thing and thank goodness there's windows in this place. Someone else can deal with that. When the kitchen no longer smells like ass, he saunters over to Magnus, peering at his device around his shoulder.]

Did anybody else have like, an answer for what the hell that was? Or did we discover the built-in death feature or something?

action as in ready for action, right taako

[armcollector]

[Magnus scrolls on his little techie-doodad that no one's given a proper name for near or at him yet, squinting at the little screen while making the worst stank concentration face like a grandpa.]

Uhhh... Nope. But one guy told me there's a thing called a "garbage disposal" in the sink that just... makes noises? So just. Great advice all around.

[Magnus multitasks between his little device thing and the big device things in front of them. Like... okay, how about this big box thing with a door? He opens it up.]

Okay, no, this one's easy. It's obviously an icebox. Except it just stays cold with magic I guess? I guess those emotion guys have either got to be real gods or like, just the opposite of Jenkinses. The anti-Jenkins.

uh yeah as in YOU'RE ready for action, not him

[pocketspa]

[He can't much make heads or tails of these things either; people use them like stones of far speech, but there's much more finessed buttons and even the transmission of pictures. Frankly, it's pretty fancy. Also, teaching Taako what a camera is means soon he'll know what selfies are and the world will never be peaceful again. Regardless, he watches Magnus cross the room idly, and lets out an ugly snort at his joke.]

Yeah, they're just like, here goes spells fuckin' everywhere. That'd take a lot of 'em, though. Could be a charm or a transmutation thing? Like something that fulfills itself.

Oh, uh, that thing does water, though. Got that one together.

[He gestures to the sink. It's... that wasn't even hard, Taako, do better.]

text;

[occupiesvitalregions]

from what i've been told, the gods can make you stuff that you want, but they can't bring in stuff from home, which sucks but makes sense i guess

what kinda stuff are you looking for anyway?

text;

[armcollector]

you just described my nightmare scenario, but i also was already living it, so i guess thats fair.
what im LOOKING for is my GOLDFISH who was ABANDONED by someone who is ME but is also ENTIRELY BLAMELESS.
steven deserves better than this!!!!! who will answer for this crime????
ugh im getting really sad again now. i like just calmed down too.

text;

[occupiesvitalregions]

[This was not what he was expecting to hear, but he feels it.

oh shit dude. that's a bummer. hopefully someone back home will find him??

also someone once told me that while we're here it's like no time passes back where you're from. so if that's true then everything should be fine

Text

[knifecollecting]

[...Is this guy for real?]

The Door doesn't take orders from anyone, but maybe one of the Gods could help?

Text

[armcollector]

someone said they can't bring anything from home though...
just make new stuff.
i guess i could get another goldfish but its not the same.
do you think they could just save my goldfish from getting eaten by invisible monsters??? would they do that for a wooden duck?? how about a giant wooden duck they can sit on?
??
????

Text

[knifecollecting]

I don't think they can do anything about home stuff.

text

[sweariff]

believe it or not, they're generally supposed to make your life easier
what did you mess with? the garbage disposal?
that's thing under the sink that makes really ugly noises if you press the button

text

[armcollector]

ok, no, i definitely didnt see the thing under the sink yet.
i guess the name explains what it does??
but the thing i messed with was the big box with the door on it, but not the icebox. its got metal plates on the top of it. anyway it fucking stinks.
me and my friend are just trying to figure out all this weird shit but it's not going great. i definitely understand the magic icebox though. i wish i wasnt gonna kill the only scientist i know if i ever see him again because i could definitely lord some of this shit over his head.
a stone of farspeech you can type on???? what will they think of next!!!

[sweariff]

you mean the stove? it's supposed to cook your food, not stink the place up.
unless you've burned something inside it. in which case, yeah, that's par the course.

[He's actually sorta charmed by this guy. It's been a while since he's had to give a rundown on mundy tech to freshly arrived Fables, which this guy certainly reminds him of.]

and try boxes that play moving pictures that string together intricate stories. and i've heard there are new ones out there where you can actually control the characters inside the box and make them do things.
that's what you have to look forward to.

[sheathes]

Greetings, Magnus. I am called Saber.

[ No, she can't even sound normal over text. She's only just figured out how to text, but at least she seems to have that down pat. ]

I do not know the answer to your question, but I am curious about your woodworking skills. Is there another way to obtain such an item from you?

[armcollector]

oh! if you want something made or repaired i can probably just do that as a favor.
what would you like?

[sheathes]

[ She thinks for a moment, but since he mentioned a duck... ]

Perhaps another bird of some kind. Would a hawk be acceptable?

[goldpoints]

1. THAT MIGHT BE GAS DO NOT START ANY FIRES YOU WILL EXCPLODE
2. idk anything else but I want a wooden duck

[armcollector]

wha
why would there be a GAS MACHINE in a house???
oh fuck lemme turn it off.

[There's a pause in Magnus' response while he tries to fix things so they don't explode. It's during this time Taako blows the gas in the air out of the apartment windows.]

ok you want a duck? i can make you a duck.
i basically already owe you one for helping me out before.
any special requests? a neck that swings open? flappy wings?

[goldpoints]

it's an old way of cooking I think?? like it's supposed to be a small fire but egg smell meands a leak and it's all over and bad idk man we had electric

wtf does a neck that swings open mean that sounds horrifying

text; lov this burly boy

[survivorsguilt]

the door gives ZERO shits, but i guess youve probably already been told that

is your real name really magnus burnsides
thats fucking badass

[She thinks it sounds like a name from one of her comics. Her mental image of Magnus based on this is- well, ok, it's actually fairly dead on.]

text; him big

[armcollector]

yeah i'm starting to think the door doesn't particularly like me. or anyone.

yep! that's me!
though some people call me the hammer.
what's your name?

[survivorsguilt]

big announcement: the door is an asshole

THE HAMMER. fuck.

i'm ellie. just ellie. some people call me ANGEL KNIVES.

[No they don't.]