hadriel | 第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots ~~(in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun)~~. The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.

Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]

I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.

Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.

Here goes.

First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:

Esteemed Emily,

I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?

Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here

[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.

Second, an actual question:

So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?

-Opinionated Girl

I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?

[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.

[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]

Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:

hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrong

how do i take her job

Do I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.

[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]

Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.

That's literally it. Stop being morons.

Goddamn.

[End.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, uh, color me curious:

What kind of qualifications do you need to run an advice column?

[He's guessing "none," based on these answers alone. He also doesn't seem too bothered by the fact that he is a literal skeleton.]

[Considering Emily has been faced with literal cannibal monsters, a skeleton doesn't weird her out as much as it should. Sure, he's creepy, but given the circumstances...]

You have to be right all the time. I'm always right.

[It's a rule.]

Okay, I have to ask. You probably get this a lot, but, are you undead, or were you born that way.

[Can talking skeletons be ... born.]

Well, hey. You're right about one thing, at least.

[He winks, the bone over one eyesocket closing down neatly.]

I do get that a lot.

And nah, this is just my face. I'm a monster.

Okay.

[Once, she would have said that sounds fake. Now, it sounds tame as hell.]

Well, I'm a human, so I probably can't give you advice on monster stuff, sorry.

What, really? But I thought you were always right.

[There's not a shred of venom to the words. He sounds more amused than anything.]

If I gave you monster advice, I'd be wrong. So by saying I can't, I'm right.

[Duh, honey.]

[That's some nifty wordplay. He can appreciate it.]

Gotta say, I'm pretty surprised Chris isn't the first nerdiest person you know.

[Dude you have no idea how good Emily is at wordplay.]

Same, honestly. He was until I got here.

So who takes that crowning title now, pray tell?

Rhys. Have you met him? Huge, huge nerd.

Nope. But I'm thinkin' now I have to. I've got an important nerd quota to maintain, and this cave's got a surplus.

God, do I know it. [She lives with the Nerd Prince himself.]

Anyway. Thanks for settin' this thing up.

[Another wink.]

Now whenever people come to me with questions, I can just send 'em your way so I don't have to deal with 'em.

[Oh god. Fucking fantastic.]

Sure.

[This may be the only installment of Esteemed Emily. Not worth all the shit. Definitely not worth skin cream made with actual human beings.]

[Oh yes.

He fires a lazy fingergun in her direction before closing off the feed.]

第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

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