第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

[unfollowing]

[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots (in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun). The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.

Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]

I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.

Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.

Here goes.

First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:

Esteemed Emily,

I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?

Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here

[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.

Second, an actual question:

So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?

-Opinionated Girl

I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?

[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.

[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]

Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:

hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrong

how do i take her job

Do I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.

[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]

Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.

That's literally it. Stop being morons.

Goddamn.

[End.]

Comments

offline; 1/several idk

[torrefied]

[Normally, Mello wouldn't give Emily the time of day, but this dumb advice column is a thing he thinks might prove useful. People tend to be a little more honest when they're working from the mask of anonymity, after all. So he actually gives this broadcast more than a cursory listen.

Yeah, there's absolutely no mistaking what that second letter is about.]

still offline.

[torrefied]

[Of course Ai would do something stupid like broadcast what happened between them. Of fucking course.]

still offline; audible action in house 1202.

[torrefied]

[WHY DOES THAT GIRL HAVE SUCH A BIG FUCKING MOUTH.

The other residents of house 1202 may hear a loud thud from inside Mello's bedroom as he hurls a stray shoe at the closed door. This is a fucking nightmare.]

4/4; text.

[torrefied]

Dear Esteemed Emily,

You and Opinionated Girl can both burn in Hell.

[That's right, Ai, he hopes you see this too.]

text

[unfollowing]

been there, done that, came back better than ever

it's not so bad. you should try it yourself

[Technically she didn't burn when she turned into a wendigo -- she was shot in the eye, thanks a lot, Mike, you asshole -- but it's close enough so fuck it.]

[Private Text / Action in house 1202]

[solvethepuzzle]

[He hears the crash against the door, and frankly it wakes him up. What are normal sleep schedules? But the fog rapidly fades from his mind and he takes a moment to assess that for Mello to be throwing things behind the door of his room probably means he saw something rage-inducing on the network. And so he digs out his phone and takes a quick look.

[... Oh. Well, yes, he supposes something like that would do it. Now, Near thinks he has been very nice in allowing Mello some recovery time after death before he starts teasing him again. But it's been close to a month, and Mello appears to be back in fighting shape, as it were. So he sees no reason to pass up the opportunity for the joke that's sprung to his mind. At least he's keeping it private?]

Goodness, Mello. You've been unfaithful to me. I'm quite distraught.

text

[unitas]

lmao [ something something that's what happens when you make out with teenager girls something something ]

[Voice]

[thechoiceisyours]

[Chris really only has one thing to say to this post.]

Wait, who's the most nerdy person you know then?

voice

[unfollowing]

Rhys.

voice

[thechoiceisyours]

Oh, okay. I'll accept that, I guess.

video

[skelebro]

So, uh, color me curious:

What kind of qualifications do you need to run an advice column?

[He's guessing "none," based on these answers alone. He also doesn't seem too bothered by the fact that he is a literal skeleton.]

video

[unfollowing]

[Considering Emily has been faced with literal cannibal monsters, a skeleton doesn't weird her out as much as it should. Sure, he's creepy, but given the circumstances...]

You have to be right all the time. I'm always right.

[It's a rule.]

Okay, I have to ask. You probably get this a lot, but, are you undead, or were you born that way.

[Can talking skeletons be ... born.]

video

[skelebro]

Well, hey. You're right about one thing, at least.

[He winks, the bone over one eyesocket closing down neatly.]

I do get that a lot.

And nah, this is just my face. I'm a monster.

voice;

[cashlin]

Wow.

[That's it. That's all she has to say.]

voice

[unfollowing]

Don't even.

1/2 offline

[verinumeri]

[ .......................................................................... ]

permatext;

[verinumeri]

I mean no disrespect to you, but I am surprised you received any submissions.

offline 1/2, sorry for the internal tl;dr

[outermirrors]

[On the one hand Ai knew that this was the only way for Emily to respond to her question, Opinionated Girl doesn't exactly say much about the sender. Unlike when she sent the question initially, Ai is pretty much convinced as she listens that this was a horrible idea. Not only can Mello hear and she's not stupid enough to think he won't know it's her, boy doesn't have near enough game to make out with anyone else here (which says awful things about her sense of self-esteem and self-worth right there) to have a long line of girls he's made out with in the cave. Honestly that's the least concerning part.

She is however convinced using the word conflicted was pretty dumb and not exactly accurate. Because the only part to be conflicted about at this point is the regret she didn't slap him faster or more times. And then there's the issue of does she respond at all to the post and if so how?]

2/2 private voice

[outermirrors]

[When she does finally respond she makes it as private as she can. Like she's broadcasting that she's anywhere near this post.]

Conflicted really wasn't the right word for that.

[64th]

Wait, has someone been making out with teenage girls? That's a terrible idea

[unfollowing]

it's a bad idea if they're of age and the teenage girls aren't

it's a bad idea if they're both underage and one of them didn't want to make out (they did want to, from the way this letter sounded)

voice.

[bekommen]

I feel really sad for the dumb fucks who'd go to you for dating advice.

voice; cw allusion to child abuse

[unfollowing]

Oh my fucking GOD, why do you even TALK TO ME if you hate me so fucking much? Jesus shit! Do you see me talking to you unless you address me directly? Do you see me talking to Mello's pathetic ass unless he starts it?

Goddamn, I know you grew up in a shitty house with an asshole mom who thought she could treat you like trash, but you are an adult, at least legally speaking. Fucking leave that shit behind. You hate me. Stop coming to me for me to yell at you, I do not get off on fighting people who hate me, and I will not be the person you come to if you want to get off on being yelled at.

Jesus shit.

video

[truthvalue]

[Concerned Souji is concerned.]

Ah ... sorry, but - is this really a good idea?

text because she's done

[unfollowing]

it's kind of a bit late for that, if you ask me