hadriel | 第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

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第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots ~~(in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun)~~. The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.

Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]

I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.

Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.

Here goes.

First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:

Esteemed Emily,

I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?

Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here

[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.

Second, an actual question:

So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?

-Opinionated Girl

I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?

[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.

[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]

Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:

hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrong

how do i take her job

Do I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.

[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]

Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.

That's literally it. Stop being morons.

Goddamn.

[End.]

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[Wammy's house birthed many tragedies over the years. Fractured childhoods, truncated barely-formed adulthoods, existences bent toward a single purpose... and somehow, there are at least traces of all of it in this interaction here. The successes and failures of Watari's methods are on full, stark, and strange display, and though L himself is largely the root of it all, he's reduced to a spectator in these moments. His world's future silences him, and all he can do is watch Near's composure and Mello's capriciousness go head-to-head. The nature of it feels adversarial, even if the two of them are not intentionally trying to tear down the other.

He expects that Near will explain further, given that both he and Mello seem to be in the dark about something vital at this point. Or is he? It seems like Mello's piecing it together in a way that L lacks the context for.

He's growing annoyed with this "stranger in a strange land" business. In their world, he was dead, but at least he was there long enough to know the ground rules. In Hadriel, his adjustment is proving slow and painful; he sleeps more than he ever has, more than a person should, and takes very long showers. Both experiences approach some semblances of normal, and they ground him; everything else is the worst kind of puzzle, the one that not only resists solving but might be impossible. If a riddle is comprised entirely of non-sequiturs, after all, even the world's greatest mind can't tackle it.

He edges along the wall, treating it like a guide or a lifeline. He doesn't leave immediately, but feels like when he does, he'll be following it's reliable line. Either back to bed, or to drench himself to the point of saturation he was at the time of his death and his arrival here. Somehow, that feels simultaneously unpleasant and right. The latter wins over the former, and so he seeks it out.]

[There's certainly still an adversarial bent to all of this, despite the fact that Near said what he had in order to keep Mello from ripping apart. This isn't safe for Near and thus normally he would avoid it, but he can't have Mello acting like he's two steps from throwing himself off a cliff all the time. Still, there's danger in this move and that means that shields have to go up.

[Especially since Mello is taking steps in the direction of a correct conclusion. Is he still thinking that the dream had been his own and that Near had managed to visit it? Or has he puzzled out that the dream had been Near's and is simply having trouble reconciling the possibility? Near can't be sure just yet.] Why the question? You appear to be doing fine at the moment without any additional input.

[While his primary attention is very much focused on Mello, he does notice L retreating out of the corner of his vision, creeping along the walls as if trying to avoid any notice. Does he feel uncomfortable about being left out of this conversation? Irrelevant? It doesn't matter. Let him feel how he wants, let him slink off if he wants. Near will not attempt to stop him.]

[Mello isn't entirely sure that it matters whether the dream belonged to him or to Near - if they were both actually there, and if what Near said in the dream was true (as it seems to be, based on his non-answers that tell more than the words mean on the surface), that's far more meaningful. Mello has found that dream in particular difficult to reconcile with the others he experienced during that week and a half, an anomaly in the pattern, but he always thought of it as spawning from his subconscious alone, some secret wish fulfillment. But if Near was there ... if it was actually him who said those things and not just Mello's imagination conjuring up a fantasy ...

Well, it changes everything.]

I'm ... I'm good? [Not merely good enough - good, full stop.] That's what you think?

[Near may be talking him away from a metaphorical ledge, but Mello still feels like he's being ripped apart inside. L is, unfortunately, more or less forgotten at this point.]

Did you mean that?

[This is a proverbial tipping point; Mello could easily go either way here, over the edge or backwards from it, depending on what Near's answer is. Neither of them is built for honesty, but Mello has already betrayed just how important this answer is - it's plainly written on his face, carried in the pained, awed tone he can't keep his words from taking on.]

[The tension truly is building; L has always preferred when he's a part of it. It makes him feel alive to be involved in a captivating conflict that he understands fully. In spite of Near's track record for being right, he's not sure that Mello's truly "doing fine", and above everything else, he doesn't think that dreams are logical in the least, or reliable indicators of much at all.

He arrives at his truths after many sleepless nights, more often than in the jumbled remnants of the day's thoughts and worries.

Now, it appears that Mello openly cares about what Near thinks of him, which... at least represents personal development. But to L, it still feels sudden and jarring, given that Mello and Near were still young when he was stricken down in the line of duty. He doesn't leave, but leans against the wall to support his tired frame; he, too, is curious to hear what Near is going to say.]

[Normally, Near would be in agreement about dreams. And dreams as they naturally occur would be easily dismissed as unreliable. But these were not purely the mind cobbling things together after sleep. They'd been inflicted by the gods, showing what frightens or angers them, makes them happy or hopeful at their cores.

[It's a difficult thing to accept when one comes from a world where such things cannot happen, where the supernatural are nothing but stories. They'd all thought that their own was like that, once. Accepting the notebook and the shinigami as fact had been difficult. Not so much the shinigami, in Near's case. He'd already accepted the reality of the notebook by then, and the idea that a shinigami would exist along with it hadn't been so far-fetched. But it had sounded far-fetched, something so ridiculous that a good liar would not use it as a falsehood. And Mello is a good liar.

[L does not yet have the context for how things like this work. Near had spent time before this being thrown from world to world and has been forced to expand his view of what is possible, what is real.

[And that these particular dreams had reflected truth is unfortunately real. He has too much evidence to suggest otherwise.

[He could take it back. He could dismiss it, dangle this bit of hope in front of Mello's eyes and cruelly snatch it away. Saying it had been a lie would destroy him, a sudden and brutal finishing stroke. A crushing defeat visited upon him. Were this anyone else, Near would have given no second thought to doing such a thing. Even now, some part of him is tempted -- not out of malice, but out of self-protection. But this is Mello. Near had deliberately laid the trail of breadcrumbs for him to eventually follow and now he had.

[Perhaps it's time to let him realize that he's finally gotten something he's failed to see for so many years.] What I said is accurate.

[He downs the rest of the water, perhaps taking a bit longer than strictly necessary. The only visible hint of any defensiveness. This is going to change the game.]

Edited 2016-09-01 04:29 (UTC)

[There are often warring desires that dwell within Mello; he is at odds with himself a lot of time, and right now is no exception. He has always wanted Near's approval, acceptance, acknowledgment, just as he's wanted it from L, but now that the coveted brass ring is finally within his grasp, he's hesitant to reach out and take it. This isn't a game change so much as a violent cataclysm, a high-speed car crash, an explosive conflagration - everything will be different after this, whatever the outcome. He will be different.

It feels to Mello very much like time stops, his heart stops, his mind stops - he is suspended in time as Near's affirmation rings in his ears: What I said is accurate. Mello is very good. His thoughts seem slow and sticky like molasses, struggling to process his overloaded heart, then pitching forward in fits and flashes, calling up memories from years past - things Near said to him, cast in a different light in this new context. Mello thinks about the photograph he bullied his way into Near's base of operations to retrieve, the inscription from Near on the back - Dear Mello. He'd thought it a taunt at the time, of course, and assumed that Near had only kept the photograph to use as a bargaining chip against him at some future point, but now he remembers a thought he'd had while talking to Sharon, that first time after he'd shot her: People keep photographs of those with significance.

Mello always thought that Near simply didn't feel things. He'd recognized it five years ago when he abdicated his claim to L's title: Unlike me, Near will calmly and unemotionally solve the puzzle. Intellectually, it's not such a difficult conclusion to reach; every child that was taken in at Wammy's House was emotionally broken in some way, a result of trauma. Some may have been better at hiding it than others, but Mello and Near rested on extreme opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to emotions. Mello cared too much, and Near not at all - that's what Mello always believed, anyway.

Maybe he was wrong. No, not maybe - there's no mistaking the fact that Near has just expressed a positive feeling for him. Mello continues to think about things he's observed here - Near's subtle but visible reaction to learning Mello had been killed, mistaken at the time for disapproval, and asking him about chocolate during Sorrow's revival. Mello never once remembers Near expressing any interest at all in sweets, so it must be a new development ...

The answer seems terribly obvious in hindsight, as Mello pushes this piece into place. Who do they both know who might have influenced such a habit? L, of course, was rumored to have a fondness for sweets (less a rumor and more a fact, as Mello discovered in his sole meeting with his mentor before he'd arrived here), but he'd been dead for years and Near hadn't changed his behavior.

No ... it's much more likely that the taste for chocolate was one Near acquired in the aftermath of Mello's death.

Instantly, it becomes quite clear to Mello that he has been very, very stupid for a terribly long time. This realization dries his mouth, numbs his fingers, shortens his breath. He falls back against the wall, eyes wide to the truth, one hand pressed over his mouth. He feels like screaming, or maybe throwing up; he laughs, weakly, muffled underneath his hand.

He needs to leave. Now.]

Unlock the front door.

[He doesn't look at Near as he issues the order. Mello turns and disappears into his bedroom, re-emerging a minute later while pulling his coat on over one arm, then the other.]

Edited 2016-09-02 03:06 (UTC)

[The dynamic is growing increasingly subversive. In many ways, L would have expected Near to be the one who failed to adapt to the absurdities in Hadriel that he himself is still attempting to wrap his mind around, while Mello takes to them like an outside-the-box-thinking duck to water. Judging from this interaction, though, it's blatantly clear that of the two of them, Mello is having the most overt trouble coming to terms with... well, everything, even after the time he's had to acclimate. Much has happened that L doesn't know about, and in fact can't be expected to in spite of his genius, but he's still gifted at reading people, and his own successors are high on that last in a category all their own.

He watches uncertainly as the simple sentence gets a very noticeable rise and reaction out of Mello, to the point where he demands that Near deactivate some security measure so he can depart. It's abrupt and he can't imagine how many similar interactions they've had since they both arrived here.

He stays silent, keeps his gaze and attention on Near. As he himself is removed from this situation, it stands to reason that the pale, diminutive creature that inherited his legacy controls the outcome. The question is really what he would prefer for Mello to do, and if Mello will recognize it and defy it just because he knows it's what Near wants.]

Edited ("he stays silence" lol ) 2016-09-04 20:27 (UTC)

[Ironically, it's something far more mundane that Mello is having trouble coming to terms with. And that mundane thing is apparently so much more bizarre than the nonsense this place throws at them all. Near is quite sure, in fact, that Mello had adjusted to Hadriel on his own with relatively little trouble. He's good at things like that.

[Near would have had quite a bit more difficulty if he had shown up with no ready safe haven, and no prior experience being drawn into other worlds. His first time with the latter had been hard. But that is a story that L will have to learn later.

[There's a subtle tension in his body as he sets the glass down on the counter, the faintest of frowns pulling at his mouth. That Mello has grasped the truth of how Near regards him is more than clear. And the reaction is suitably dramatic, Near supposes, just as his own is far more reserved. But noticeable, if either Mello or L currently have the inclination or focus to pick up on it.

[Near has kept his fondness of Mello hidden for a reason. The competitive environment of Wammy's House turns the children into predators, pouncing on any weakness to improve their position at the expense of a rival. The idea of plainly admitting an emotional tie to Mello had always struck him as the equivalent of exposing his throat to an animal that wished to tear it out. Having made the admission -- if not quite plainly to anyone but the two of them -- makes Near feel exposed and vulnerable. He wants to curl up, needs time to process how he will handle the situation going forward.

[He is, quite frankly, relieved when Mello demands to be let out.] Very well. [His voice at least is still flat, disaffected in contrast to the unfamiliar tautness of his body as he shuffles out of the kitchen to remove the ward on the front door.]

Edited 2016-09-10 07:09 (UTC)

[Mello yanks the hood of his jacket up over his head and beelines for the front door. He pointedly doesn't make eye contact with either L or Near, certain that they can both already see how hotly his face burns with embarrassment. He offers neither a backwards glance nor a parting word as he makes his exit, the slam of the door behind him the only acknowledgment of his parting.]

[Dark, attentive eyes follow Near, noting the tension he's carrying in his slight frame. Both of his successors are, in a sense, driven by fear, which is a powerful motivator no matter how a person chooses to look at it. It's the kind of fear that humans probably shouldn't have, an aversion to community and cooperation when seeking those things out is, in truth, natural and even necessary for optimal survival.

As Mello storms out, he dismisses the idea of going after him. He recognizes this as a young man with a historic tendency for boiling over spectacularly needing his space. The real question is what Near feels, and if he even knows what he needs to be at peace with this whole situation.]

You're aware that he'll be back. Anger like this has a tendency to burn out quickly.

[Co-operation is something that Near has less of a problem with; he can do that. But community, connecting with others has never much been a skill in his possession, and even when he has it . . . that's potential leverage against him to those who might use it. And neither he nor Mello are above taking advantage of such things if it suits a goal.

[Near isn't any less tense when he returns to the kitchen, doesn't bother looking up at L when he speaks.] I know. I expect it.

[The last time Mello had stormed off, they hadn't seen one another again for years. But that's not realistic here, with only a cave and not a whole world to disappear into. Yes, Near expects him back. But when Mello will be back and what he might do when he returns are not things he can predict with any sufficient level of certainty.]

[Expecting a person to behave in a certain way doesn't make it any less awkward or uncomfortable when they behave like petulant children... but that means a wide range of different things to all three of them in unique and different ways. Near's aloof unaffectedness might be maturity; it might also be an ability to emotionally process things that leaves him at a disadvantage. Either way, L doesn't expect that it's easy, especially given the lingering tension in Near's diminutive body. The fact that he doesn't look at L could mean nothing, but he did before, when they met. It feels significant.]

Even if it didn't, in his particular, stubborn case, I think you can rest assured that he's accepted there isn't anywhere better to go in Hadriel. That applies for the status quo the two of you were maintaining... I think his self-preservation instinct is powerful enough to prevent him from doing anything too rash after some time to decompress.

[Near is as immature as any of them, truthfully. It's what started this specific mess, and any more volatile reactions he ever feels the desire for, he prefers to exercise privately. His action figures had gone without heads for a while after he'd learned of the death Mello had experienced here weeks ago. But nobody knows that save for Near himself.

[Looking at L so intently when they'd met had been the abberation; Near hardly bothers to look at people in general. L had been and still is a special case, in that Near still looks at him more than he does at others. That he doesn't do so now is significant to some degree, but probably not the the extent that L thinks.]

Yes, I'm sure he'll be fine. [At least, that had been the goal behind Near saying what he'd said. To get Mello to stop acting as if he were expendable. Dying had affected him, and Near had laid off for a while so he could pull himself back together. It's effort for no gain if Mello decides to put himself back into position to be broken again. That isn't, and never has been, what Near wants.

[Tch. The 'status quo'. Near has gone and changed all that now. They're going to have to find new footing.] I suspect he may want to speak with me when he returns, but you don't need to trouble yourself with mediating it.

[L quirks a brow, considering the minimalist answers and gleaning what he can from them. Even with very little to work with, if any context at all exists, it's possible to read more into them than their simple face value.]

It's not any trouble. If you suspect that there will be conflict, a mediator could be valuable, especially considering that Mello respects my word.

No, it's fine. [Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, his tone, or lack of it, does not change. But he reaches up unconsciously to start winding a finger into his hair. His hands have been still too long.] I think we can handle the next one without explosions.

[Hairtwirl, hairtwirl.] If either of us feel the need for your input on the matter, we can consult you at our own discretion.

[Mello might later, for all Near knows. He's the one more prone to that sort of thing. If L asks, Near may very well be inclined to answer, but he is unlikely to initiate.]

[L's mildly skeptical expression remains fixed to his pale features. Near's doing a fine job hiding it, but the nature of the situation practically guarantees that it's impossible to be completely certain of an outcome, especially an optimistic or favorable one.]

When a need exists, it's not always felt. And judgment isn't always reliable when feelings come into the equation, anyway.

[It might be their relationship, as tumultuous as it is, but L can't pretend that he doesn't have a vested interested in its outcome. It is, after all, his legacy.]

[He isn't completely certain. But they've generally followed a pattern here. Mello gets angry with him in one conversation, and they do fine in the next one. It's not a perfect pattern. And this time Mello isn't just angry; Near can't know what the mixture of emotions racing through him right now would be. He needs to think about that.]

It's something best handled between the two of us.

[L's not a trusting creature. These versions of Mello and Near from far in his extinguished future are people he doesn't actually know yet, and though he recognizes that he is of passing curiosity and obligation to them, something to be taken in and kept like a stray animal or a bit of history, he's of no further interest to them.

It's natural, but that makes it no easier to watch, especially when he knows he would do things differently.]

I don't need to tell you that the evidence suggests the contrary. Should I identify a need to step in, I won't hesitate to do so.

[He doesn't ask permission. It's not his way.]

[None of them are trusting creatures. It's their way to mistrust, to question everything. And Near, as someone who rarely discusses what he's feeling -- and indeed to much of the world appears to be completely unfeeling to begin with -- prefers to do it with as few people around as possible.

[Even if one of the other people is L. They'd only truly met a few weeks ago despite the overarching influence L has had over the course of his life. Just as L doesn't know him, he doesn't know L. Don't trust people you don't know -- or most of them that you do. He does not believe that L gains anything by allowing the instability in his relationship with Mello to continue, but it would still be allowing a third party a window to one of his most personal issues. Perhaps he's allowed too much of one already.]

I can't stop you, if you decide to do so. [Of course L doesn't ask permission. Do any of them?] Perhaps it will give you something to do aside from sleep.

[As someone who might understand emotion marginally better than Near, L is just as good at concealing it. Though the words are riddled with insults lurking between the phrasing, he weathers it unconcernedly. Though L's body exists in this world as it had in the last one, he feels no more connected with it than he did to one of his many liaisons. This might one reason among many that he takes very little personally.]

If it would mean a departure from the same mundane mistakes repeating themselves, perhaps it would be worth waking up for.

[He doesn't need L to be affected by the passive-aggression, just for him to notice that it's there. The next conversation needs to be private; he and Mello have to sort out some measure of a new understanding on their own. L can intervene afterward if he likes.

[This is the part where he should probably feel insulted. Defensive. And perhaps he's slightly the latter. But he doesn't feel like having another fight. It would be unproductive.] There will be something different after this; I'm sure you won't be bored. The next conversation is between Mello and I, but take heart; it's because of your intervention that we will be having it at all.

[It's because L had insisted on dissecting this particular incident that Near has allowed an important truth to come to light. Without him, this would have fizzled in a few moments.]

Edited 2016-10-01 05:38 (UTC)

[Near would be glad to know, perhaps, that very little escapes L's notice. Even if he won't be participating in the next conversation (confrontation?), he can certainly give back any passive-aggression in equal or greater measure. He's had years to hone the childish, petty craft.

But in his distant, distinctly Wammy's way, he does care enough about Mello and Near's future to not want to sabotage anything intentionally or viciously. He wants the opposite, in fact.]

When do you intend to have this conversation? When passions are high, and they are, timing does matter.

[He does, in fact, consider it a good thing that L is so observant, even when it's personally inconvenient for him. He'd been the goal to aspire to at the House, borderline deified. Near has certain expectations of him and if he'd failed to meet them, he would be disappointed.

[He keeps twisting in finger into his hair. This much? This is fine. He's willing to accept counsel so long as he handles the actual talk on his own.]

When he's calm enough. He needs to make the first contact or its more likely he will refuse discussion.

[L doesn't fidget, a clear sign that he's wholly attentive to Near and his plan that's more about patience than taking quick and decisive action. That's probably for the best, he reasons, and not something he would counsel against. When retaining the illusion of control, it's incredibly important to focus on what can be directly affected and make peace with more volatile elements. Mello certainly qualifies as the latter.]

He's proud. It might be a little while before he makes the decision to reach out to you, and my concern is that he damages himself in the meantime. Between now and your next conversation with him, I might put some words in his ear.

[He's silent for a long moment, considering. While he's revealed this truth in order for Mello to feel less inclined toward self-destruction, he isn't convinced he will do something harmful to himself in the meanwhile, intentional or otherwise. But at the same time, he has no idea what Mello actually does when he goes to blow off steam.]

Alright, if you feel it's necessary. [It may not be a bad idea.]

action

hearthebell - 2016-10-13 01:38 (UTC) - Expand

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