hadriel | 第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

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第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots ~~(in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun)~~. The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.

Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]

I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.

Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.

Here goes.

First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:

Esteemed Emily,

I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?

Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here

[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.

Second, an actual question:

So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?

-Opinionated Girl

I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?

[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.

[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]

Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:

hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrong

how do i take her job

Do I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.

[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]

Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.

That's literally it. Stop being morons.

Goddamn.

[End.]

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[Dark, attentive eyes follow Near, noting the tension he's carrying in his slight frame. Both of his successors are, in a sense, driven by fear, which is a powerful motivator no matter how a person chooses to look at it. It's the kind of fear that humans probably shouldn't have, an aversion to community and cooperation when seeking those things out is, in truth, natural and even necessary for optimal survival.

As Mello storms out, he dismisses the idea of going after him. He recognizes this as a young man with a historic tendency for boiling over spectacularly needing his space. The real question is what Near feels, and if he even knows what he needs to be at peace with this whole situation.]

You're aware that he'll be back. Anger like this has a tendency to burn out quickly.

[Co-operation is something that Near has less of a problem with; he can do that. But community, connecting with others has never much been a skill in his possession, and even when he has it . . . that's potential leverage against him to those who might use it. And neither he nor Mello are above taking advantage of such things if it suits a goal.

[Near isn't any less tense when he returns to the kitchen, doesn't bother looking up at L when he speaks.] I know. I expect it.

[The last time Mello had stormed off, they hadn't seen one another again for years. But that's not realistic here, with only a cave and not a whole world to disappear into. Yes, Near expects him back. But when Mello will be back and what he might do when he returns are not things he can predict with any sufficient level of certainty.]

[Expecting a person to behave in a certain way doesn't make it any less awkward or uncomfortable when they behave like petulant children... but that means a wide range of different things to all three of them in unique and different ways. Near's aloof unaffectedness might be maturity; it might also be an ability to emotionally process things that leaves him at a disadvantage. Either way, L doesn't expect that it's easy, especially given the lingering tension in Near's diminutive body. The fact that he doesn't look at L could mean nothing, but he did before, when they met. It feels significant.]

Even if it didn't, in his particular, stubborn case, I think you can rest assured that he's accepted there isn't anywhere better to go in Hadriel. That applies for the status quo the two of you were maintaining... I think his self-preservation instinct is powerful enough to prevent him from doing anything too rash after some time to decompress.

[Near is as immature as any of them, truthfully. It's what started this specific mess, and any more volatile reactions he ever feels the desire for, he prefers to exercise privately. His action figures had gone without heads for a while after he'd learned of the death Mello had experienced here weeks ago. But nobody knows that save for Near himself.

[Looking at L so intently when they'd met had been the abberation; Near hardly bothers to look at people in general. L had been and still is a special case, in that Near still looks at him more than he does at others. That he doesn't do so now is significant to some degree, but probably not the the extent that L thinks.]

Yes, I'm sure he'll be fine. [At least, that had been the goal behind Near saying what he'd said. To get Mello to stop acting as if he were expendable. Dying had affected him, and Near had laid off for a while so he could pull himself back together. It's effort for no gain if Mello decides to put himself back into position to be broken again. That isn't, and never has been, what Near wants.

[Tch. The 'status quo'. Near has gone and changed all that now. They're going to have to find new footing.] I suspect he may want to speak with me when he returns, but you don't need to trouble yourself with mediating it.

[L quirks a brow, considering the minimalist answers and gleaning what he can from them. Even with very little to work with, if any context at all exists, it's possible to read more into them than their simple face value.]

It's not any trouble. If you suspect that there will be conflict, a mediator could be valuable, especially considering that Mello respects my word.

No, it's fine. [Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, his tone, or lack of it, does not change. But he reaches up unconsciously to start winding a finger into his hair. His hands have been still too long.] I think we can handle the next one without explosions.

[Hairtwirl, hairtwirl.] If either of us feel the need for your input on the matter, we can consult you at our own discretion.

[Mello might later, for all Near knows. He's the one more prone to that sort of thing. If L asks, Near may very well be inclined to answer, but he is unlikely to initiate.]

[L's mildly skeptical expression remains fixed to his pale features. Near's doing a fine job hiding it, but the nature of the situation practically guarantees that it's impossible to be completely certain of an outcome, especially an optimistic or favorable one.]

When a need exists, it's not always felt. And judgment isn't always reliable when feelings come into the equation, anyway.

[It might be their relationship, as tumultuous as it is, but L can't pretend that he doesn't have a vested interested in its outcome. It is, after all, his legacy.]

[He isn't completely certain. But they've generally followed a pattern here. Mello gets angry with him in one conversation, and they do fine in the next one. It's not a perfect pattern. And this time Mello isn't just angry; Near can't know what the mixture of emotions racing through him right now would be. He needs to think about that.]

It's something best handled between the two of us.

[L's not a trusting creature. These versions of Mello and Near from far in his extinguished future are people he doesn't actually know yet, and though he recognizes that he is of passing curiosity and obligation to them, something to be taken in and kept like a stray animal or a bit of history, he's of no further interest to them.

It's natural, but that makes it no easier to watch, especially when he knows he would do things differently.]

I don't need to tell you that the evidence suggests the contrary. Should I identify a need to step in, I won't hesitate to do so.

[He doesn't ask permission. It's not his way.]

[None of them are trusting creatures. It's their way to mistrust, to question everything. And Near, as someone who rarely discusses what he's feeling -- and indeed to much of the world appears to be completely unfeeling to begin with -- prefers to do it with as few people around as possible.

[Even if one of the other people is L. They'd only truly met a few weeks ago despite the overarching influence L has had over the course of his life. Just as L doesn't know him, he doesn't know L. Don't trust people you don't know -- or most of them that you do. He does not believe that L gains anything by allowing the instability in his relationship with Mello to continue, but it would still be allowing a third party a window to one of his most personal issues. Perhaps he's allowed too much of one already.]

I can't stop you, if you decide to do so. [Of course L doesn't ask permission. Do any of them?] Perhaps it will give you something to do aside from sleep.

[As someone who might understand emotion marginally better than Near, L is just as good at concealing it. Though the words are riddled with insults lurking between the phrasing, he weathers it unconcernedly. Though L's body exists in this world as it had in the last one, he feels no more connected with it than he did to one of his many liaisons. This might one reason among many that he takes very little personally.]

If it would mean a departure from the same mundane mistakes repeating themselves, perhaps it would be worth waking up for.

[He doesn't need L to be affected by the passive-aggression, just for him to notice that it's there. The next conversation needs to be private; he and Mello have to sort out some measure of a new understanding on their own. L can intervene afterward if he likes.

[This is the part where he should probably feel insulted. Defensive. And perhaps he's slightly the latter. But he doesn't feel like having another fight. It would be unproductive.] There will be something different after this; I'm sure you won't be bored. The next conversation is between Mello and I, but take heart; it's because of your intervention that we will be having it at all.

[It's because L had insisted on dissecting this particular incident that Near has allowed an important truth to come to light. Without him, this would have fizzled in a few moments.]

Edited 2016-10-01 05:38 (UTC)

[Near would be glad to know, perhaps, that very little escapes L's notice. Even if he won't be participating in the next conversation (confrontation?), he can certainly give back any passive-aggression in equal or greater measure. He's had years to hone the childish, petty craft.

But in his distant, distinctly Wammy's way, he does care enough about Mello and Near's future to not want to sabotage anything intentionally or viciously. He wants the opposite, in fact.]

When do you intend to have this conversation? When passions are high, and they are, timing does matter.

[He does, in fact, consider it a good thing that L is so observant, even when it's personally inconvenient for him. He'd been the goal to aspire to at the House, borderline deified. Near has certain expectations of him and if he'd failed to meet them, he would be disappointed.

[He keeps twisting in finger into his hair. This much? This is fine. He's willing to accept counsel so long as he handles the actual talk on his own.]

When he's calm enough. He needs to make the first contact or its more likely he will refuse discussion.

[L doesn't fidget, a clear sign that he's wholly attentive to Near and his plan that's more about patience than taking quick and decisive action. That's probably for the best, he reasons, and not something he would counsel against. When retaining the illusion of control, it's incredibly important to focus on what can be directly affected and make peace with more volatile elements. Mello certainly qualifies as the latter.]

He's proud. It might be a little while before he makes the decision to reach out to you, and my concern is that he damages himself in the meantime. Between now and your next conversation with him, I might put some words in his ear.

[He's silent for a long moment, considering. While he's revealed this truth in order for Mello to feel less inclined toward self-destruction, he isn't convinced he will do something harmful to himself in the meanwhile, intentional or otherwise. But at the same time, he has no idea what Mello actually does when he goes to blow off steam.]

Alright, if you feel it's necessary. [It may not be a bad idea.]

It may well not be; with all such things, it's important to stay attuned to events as they progress and be willing to change, should they go better or worse than expected.

[He realizes that Near probably knows this in theory, but that as far as adaptability goes, he might be a little behind Mello and L.]

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