第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

[unfollowing]

[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots (in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun). The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.

Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]

I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.

Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.

Here goes.

First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:

Esteemed Emily,

I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?

Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here

[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.

Second, an actual question:

So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?

-Opinionated Girl

I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?

[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.

[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]

Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:

hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrong

how do i take her job

Do I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.

[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]

Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.

That's literally it. Stop being morons.

Goddamn.

[End.]

Comments

4/4; text.

[torrefied]

Dear Esteemed Emily,

You and Opinionated Girl can both burn in Hell.

[That's right, Ai, he hopes you see this too.]

text

[unfollowing]

been there, done that, came back better than ever

it's not so bad. you should try it yourself

[Technically she didn't burn when she turned into a wendigo -- she was shot in the eye, thanks a lot, Mike, you asshole -- but it's close enough so fuck it.]

text

[torrefied]

[Mello has already burned, thanks, and he may as well be in hell right now. Hell is teenage girls, right?]

Too bad for all of us that it didn't stick.

permatext

[unfollowing]

too bad for me too, i have to be stuck in this shithole with assholes like you

same

[torrefied]

Too bad I don't have a way to permanently fix that for you.

[unfollowing]

i could say the same about doing you the favor of getting you out of the terrible hell you've landed in

text /threadjack

[thechoiceisyours]

I am so not convinced that letter wasn't trolling too. There's no way someone actually made out with Mello.

[But if so, he's with Emily on the whole 'love yourself more' thing. Poor whoever it is.]

[unfollowing]

like i said, sometimes people make mistakes. in the interest of not letting this opinionated girl make that same mistake again, i chose to take it seriously

[Emily is a Helper.]

[thechoiceisyours]

Okay, fair enough. I feel kind of bad for her if it is true anyway.

[She deserves serious sympathy if it isn't trolling.]

[unfollowing]

even if it were jessica being skankier than ever, i would try to help her. it's this asshole, after all

text.

[torrefied]

Mind your own fucking business, Chris.

text.

[thechoiceisyours]

Sorry, you were a jerk to Emily so now it's automatically my business. Friend rules and whatever.

[unfollowing]

[YES GOOD GO CHRIS.]

oh honey you don't need to apologize to him. ever

text. 1/2

[torrefied]

Think very hard about whether you want me for an enemy, Chris.

text.

[torrefied]

Actually, don't even bother thinking about it, I'll just tell you: You don't.

[Private Text / Action in house 1202]

[solvethepuzzle]

[He hears the crash against the door, and frankly it wakes him up. What are normal sleep schedules? But the fog rapidly fades from his mind and he takes a moment to assess that for Mello to be throwing things behind the door of his room probably means he saw something rage-inducing on the network. And so he digs out his phone and takes a quick look.

[... Oh. Well, yes, he supposes something like that would do it. Now, Near thinks he has been very nice in allowing Mello some recovery time after death before he starts teasing him again. But it's been close to a month, and Mello appears to be back in fighting shape, as it were. So he sees no reason to pass up the opportunity for the joke that's sprung to his mind. At least he's keeping it private?]

Goodness, Mello. You've been unfaithful to me. I'm quite distraught.

action.

[torrefied]

[FUCK MELLO'S LIFE FOREVER. He doesn't bother sending a text back, just yells at top volume from inside his room:]

Shut up, Near!

Private Voice / Action

[solvethepuzzle]

[Shutting up wouldn't be any fun. But he's also neither yelling nor leaving his room, so.]

This is such a terrible way for me to find out such a thing. [Yeah, he's not quite done yet.]

action.

[torrefied]

[OK, you know what? No. They're in the same house and if Near's going to insist on doing this, Mello's going to insist on doing it in person. He storms out of his own door and marches over to Near's, banging on it loudly and rapidly, possibly hard enough to shake the hinges.]

Come out and say that to my face, you little shit!

action.

[solvethepuzzle]

[Oh, good, he doesn't have to use his phone anymore. This is much better.

[He's unfazed by the pounding on his door, of course. Certainly, it rattles a bit, but that's not terribly important. Near is most definitely not stupid enough to open the door, and even if Mello temporarily forgets their agreement in his anger . . . well, guess who wards his bedroom door? Near does, that's who.]

You'll hurt your hand if you keep that up. And I believe I should be the one who is angry. [Just the very faintest impression of a smile in his voice. He will probably stop after this; he simply had to get one more shot in.]

text

[unitas]

lmao [ something something that's what happens when you make out with teenager girls something something ]

text

[torrefied]

[Mello speaks many languages but unfortunately, chatspeak isn't one of them.]

Is something wrong with your phone?

text

[unitas]

What year are you from? It's chatspeak, laughing my ass off, a more extreme version of lol (laughing out loud) but less extreme than roflmao (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off).

private text

[torrefied]

[Since Misa's here now and there's literally no such thing as being too cautious about what information on him is discoverable, Mello switches to a locked channel.]

It was 2010, January. I don't spend a lot of time on the Internet.

[He had other people to do that for him, until they were all killed. Even after, he used the Internet for finding information, not chatting.]

It's really not funny.

private text

[unitas]

[ so paranoid, though she understands. ]

You're not missing much, it's still mostly porn, cat videos, and trolls.

Also, it is kind of funny! I can't believe she thought asking that was a good plan! [ The whole thing has her tickled pink, sorry not sorry. ]