第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

[unfollowing]

[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots (in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun). The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.

Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]

I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.

Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.

Here goes.

First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:

Esteemed Emily,

I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?

Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here

[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.

Second, an actual question:

So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?

-Opinionated Girl

I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?

[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.

[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]

Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:

hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrong

how do i take her job

Do I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.

[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]

Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.

That's literally it. Stop being morons.

Goddamn.

[End.]

Comments

text

[unfollowing]

been there, done that, came back better than ever

it's not so bad. you should try it yourself

[Technically she didn't burn when she turned into a wendigo -- she was shot in the eye, thanks a lot, Mike, you asshole -- but it's close enough so fuck it.]

text

[torrefied]

[Mello has already burned, thanks, and he may as well be in hell right now. Hell is teenage girls, right?]

Too bad for all of us that it didn't stick.

permatext

[unfollowing]

too bad for me too, i have to be stuck in this shithole with assholes like you

same

[torrefied]

Too bad I don't have a way to permanently fix that for you.

[unfollowing]

i could say the same about doing you the favor of getting you out of the terrible hell you've landed in

[torrefied]

I'd settle for you keeping your mouth shut. Of course, I know better than to hold my breath while I wait for that to happen. You seem to love the sound of your own voice far too much for that.

[unfollowing]

right, because it's my fault you chose to listen to my post and respond to it

go jerk off to your own ~intelligence~ somehwere else

[torrefied]

Why, so you can watch? Not my kink, I'm afraid.

[unfollowing]

the fact that you would even think to say that tells me everything i need to know about what a pervert you are, wow. do me a favor and never talk to me again. i am not here so you can fap to being insulted

[What is her life that this is the second person she's had to say this to.]

text /threadjack

[thechoiceisyours]

I am so not convinced that letter wasn't trolling too. There's no way someone actually made out with Mello.

[But if so, he's with Emily on the whole 'love yourself more' thing. Poor whoever it is.]

[unfollowing]

like i said, sometimes people make mistakes. in the interest of not letting this opinionated girl make that same mistake again, i chose to take it seriously

[Emily is a Helper.]

[thechoiceisyours]

Okay, fair enough. I feel kind of bad for her if it is true anyway.

[She deserves serious sympathy if it isn't trolling.]

[unfollowing]

even if it were jessica being skankier than ever, i would try to help her. it's this asshole, after all

[thechoiceisyours]

Yeah. I've noticed a lot of people around here have really low self esteem.

[It's only half a joke.]

[unfollowing]

right? and most of them come to me for help

it's really hard being this amazing

[thechoiceisyours]

At least you're not in the same boat there.

[Not that he thinks Emily's self-esteem is as high as she pretends it is, but the comment just set itself up and he can't resist.]

[unfollowing]

please, i totally love myself enough not to make out with losers

[Her history with Mike be damned.]

text.

[torrefied]

Mind your own fucking business, Chris.

text.

[thechoiceisyours]

Sorry, you were a jerk to Emily so now it's automatically my business. Friend rules and whatever.

[unfollowing]

[YES GOOD GO CHRIS.]

oh honey you don't need to apologize to him. ever

text. 1/2

[torrefied]

Think very hard about whether you want me for an enemy, Chris.

text.

[torrefied]

Actually, don't even bother thinking about it, I'll just tell you: You don't.

text.

[thechoiceisyours]

Are you really trying to pull this over text message?

[He'd feel a lot more threatened if this were in person and not the second time he's heard pretty much this exact line. Also if it weren't on such a ridiculous post in general.]

text.

[torrefied]

I'm not "pulling" anything, Chris. I'm giving you a fact. You do not want to make me your enemy.

text.

[thechoiceisyours]

Sure. I mean, you're not wrong; I'm not super interested in having any enemies in general.

So maybe you can stop being a complete dick and it won't come down to that.