第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)

[unfollowing]

[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots (in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun). The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.

Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]

I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.

Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.

Here goes.

First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:

Esteemed Emily,

I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?

Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here

[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.

Second, an actual question:

So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?

-Opinionated Girl

I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?

[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.

[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]

Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:

hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrong

how do i take her job

Do I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.

[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]

Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.

That's literally it. Stop being morons.

Goddamn.

[End.]

Comments

[verinumeri]

It was less about your abilities and more about the environment.

[unfollowing]

so you're saying i can't function in this environment

[Keep diggin' that hole, asshole.]

[verinumeri]

[ Why is it like this. Should someone so quick to jumping to these sorts of conclusions be running an advice column? ]

No, that would be illogical. I've only spoken with you under ridiculous circumstances. I couldn't make that judgment. I am saying that I would have assumed that Hadriel, as a prison on another world, would not be conducive to prioritizing those types of concerns.

[unfollowing]

[Motherfucker are you judging her.]

has anyone ever told you there's a stick up your ass? you should get that checked out and removed

have you seen some of the shit that gets posted here? i'm doing a public service

[verinumeri]

[ Not at first, but please review what she last texted and ask oneself whether he would be in the wrong.

ALSO HE HEARS THAT FREQUENTLY FROM NEWTON THANK YOU VERY MUCH HE'S STILL OFFENDED ]

I beg your pardon? As I never asked for your advice, that was wholly unwarranted. There's no need to be rude. I already explained that I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, whereas you clearly intended it.

I would agree, if it seemed like this would in anyway reduce the amount of nonsense posted.

[unfollowing]

[He is wrong because he is opposing her and she is always right.]

it's called getting what you give

oh i'm so sorry people aren't using the network to your liking

[Hint: she's not sorry at all.]

[verinumeri]

I reiterate that I had not been criticizing you, therefore I did not give anything to warrant that.

Oh, honestly, are you just determined to be contrary? You said it first!

[ He really needs to stop replying to her. He's too old for this. ]

[unfollowing]

oh my god

are you four years old

1/2

[verinumeri]

No I meanTuugtvi

10 measured seconds later

[verinumeri]

[ Fantastic. Getting upset + a propensity toward low proprioception and spastic fingers = that. A jumble and accidentally hitting send.

ABORT. ]

Never mind. Good luck with your column.

b y e

[unfollowing]

[She's not going to respond because what the fuck is this guy's deal, but man, at least get your shit straight.

A voice post a column is not.]

[verinumeri]

[ Seriously. It's shorthand! Also he was still discombobulated. By Jove. ]

said from right behind hermann's shoulder because sans is abruptly standing there now

[skelebro]

Wow, Herm. Where'd you learn that rapier wit?

FFFFFFFFFFF

[verinumeri]

Oh, shut up! She said it was shit, herself! That was all I meant!

[ Throwing his phone away from himself, because he's DONE.

But he's on the couch, so it's a safe throw to another cushion. ]

I MISSED U

[skelebro]

[Jeez. Sans manages to slide out of the way to avoid that hit, thank god. Not that he's fond of advertising the whole 1 HP thing, but maybe he should mention that at some point. Or maybe just not antagonize Hermann as much?

Nah, who's he kidding? Antagonizing Hermann is the best.]

I'd say you made your point very succinctly, yeah.

I MISSED YOU TOO

[verinumeri]

[ Should he be made aware of Mr. Sans' extreme fragility, he would take care to, when frustrated and prone to projectiles, aim away from him.

So, really, it's his fault.

As for what just happened, that's probably Newton's fault. Newton and that girl. Nothing is ever Hermann's fault. ]

Did you really just pop in here to bother me about this?

<3 <3 <3 BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED SHITPOSTING

[skelebro]

I popped in here to witness your defeat at the hands of the Esteemed Emily. It sure was something.

<333333

[verinumeri]

It wasn't -- I -- needlessly rude, I only --

[ SPUTTERING

then, resigned huffing. ]

Oh, please.

[ Annnnnd, here, the sullen cross of his arms. She's probably a teenager. He was never able to get the hang of teenagers. ]

[skelebro]

[Oh my god this poor man. Sans shakes his skull and eases up somewhat.]

I mean, one look at her "advice" kinda confirms that she's got a thing for razor-sharp banter. I wouldn't take it personally.

[verinumeri]

[ Still huffing. STILL AFFRONTED.

It's hard for Hermann to make an effort and really rather personal, more than it should be, when it blows up like that. ]

I don't know why anyone submitted to her. Mind, two seemed to be jokes, but surely the third, unless they wanted to be insulted in response.

[skelebro]

It's possible they didn't know any better. I mean, you didn't when you answered just now.

[As if Hermann needs reminding.]

[verinumeri]

I wasn't asking for advice!

[ He's not a complete idiot. He had listened to the post and noted her attitude. However, they'd been insipid questions. He hadn't immediately faulted the nature of her responses. Everything he'd seen of her before this, however, hadn't given him much warning, so it's possible Mr. Sans is otherwise right. They hadn't known. ]

[skelebro]

Yeah, but I think everyone gets that treatment regardless what they're asking for.

[He takes out his phone and debates the merits of composing something to leave in her inbox. Might be worth the laugh.]

[verinumeri]

Yes, a civil conversation was clearly an invitation for abuse.

[ Talking poorly of Hadriel as a whole -- not the people, but the mad environment -- should have been safe. Speaking of assuming safety where none can be found, Hermann does not suspect Mr. Sans's thoughts or intentions. There are too many things he could be doing with his phone for the suspicion to be reasonable or fair. ]

[skelebro]

Well, you never know.

[Yeah, scratch that, he's definitely gonna prank her. He already has something devious in mind.]

Seems like a real nice lady. You two could exchange sarcastic quips for days, I'll bet.