Emily Davis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
unfollowing) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
hadriel2016-08-21 12:25 pm
unfollowing) wrote in hadriel2016-08-21 12:25 pm
Entry tags:
第5: esteemed emily #1 (voice)
[The few "letters" Emily has received since graciously offering her services as an advice-giver are, as expected, shit. Hell, two of them aren't even real requests, just her idiot friends being idiots (in the best way, she misses when it was always like this, simple, harmless, fun). The one actually serious one is about as bad as she'd thought she'd get from the hopeless disasters in this cave, so hey. This isn't bad.
Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]
I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.
Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.
Here goes.
First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:
Second, an actual question:
[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]
Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.
[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]
Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:
[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]
Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.
That's literally it. Stop being morons.
Goddamn.
[End.]
Honestly, the hardest part about this is deciding what format to do this in. Finally, on the morning of the 21st, she decides to just get this shit done. At least one idiot out there needs her help. She doesn't want to video this (mostly because she doesn't want to work with the shitty makeup here, come on, she knows what cameras do to you), but text won't convey her message quite well enough, so. Voice it is.]
I'm just going to dive right into this. I got three submissions. I'm going to read them off one at a time and answer each before I go to the next one. These are supposed to be anonymous, so try not to be such assholes that you out someone if you figure out who they are.
Unless they're obviously trolling, which-- well. You'll see.
Here goes.
First up is this fucking gem [heavy is the sarcasm in Esteemed Emily's voice]:
Esteemed Emily,[There's a pause where Emily sighs quietly, but even in the relative silence, it's exceedingly clear how unimpressed she is.] Chris, you're an idiot. You wish I were a nerd, just so you could claim you're cool by association with me. Newsflash: you aren't. Code yourself an app that'll run through some formulas or whatever to help you get the fuck over the fact that you will always and forever be the second nerdiest person I know.
I have a friend who is a total nerd but in complete denial about it, even though she's getting nerdier by the day and soon may surpass even me in the nerd ways. What should I do to help her accept her true self and her destiny?
Signed,
I'm locking my door so don't bother coming down here
Second, an actual question:
So say an opinionated girl made out with the local teenage girl hater. She's fairly conflicted about the whole thing. What should she do?I'm guessing you're a teenage girl, so my first thought is, why the fuck did you make out with someone who hates you? Do you hate yourself too?
-Opinionated Girl
[NOBODY can guess who the local teenage girl hater is, right? Jesus fucking Christ.]
Seriously, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Like, we all make mistakes, [she's thinking about Mike] but... like why are you conflicted here. He hates you. Was he that good that you want to hate makeout and maybe hatefuck? That's up to you, but if it were me, I would punch him in the balls and move on unless he changes his ways. Please fucking love yourself. Or at least be safe, goddamn.
[Another pause for breath. Christ. Dealing with hopeless people is hard.]
Finally, the best of the litter [again with the sarcasm]:
hey em i got this friend who likes giving people advice but im clearly better at giving advice i never steer anyone wrongDo I even need to tell you how wrong you are? Idiot. Besides, nobody's stopping you from starting Jolly Josh or whatever. No, you know what? Stick to shitposting. You've got that down to a science.
how do i take her job
[Another pause, another sigh, and (if you listen very closely) a very dramatic eyeroll.]
Look, just stop being disasters, all right? There's like five of you that have come to me asking for dating advice already. Just talk to the person you like. If you want to fuck them, ask them. If you want to hold hands, ask them. If you want to just be best goddamn friends with them, ask them.
That's literally it. Stop being morons.
Goddamn.
[End.]
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Then I hope they appreciate what you've told them.
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It's his own fault for thinking she's better than she is, though. She didn't lie. She did nothing wrong.]
actually, they do
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Maybe sometime I can ask you for advice too. Probably not about dating, though.
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What other subjects is Esteemed Emily an expert on?
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[She's knowledgeable about a ton of other stuff, but not an expert, so she'll just leave it at that.]
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I'm sure whatever is available here is better than the jumpsuits I had to wear before.
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And oh my god.]
were you like, in prison before coming here
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No. I was on a spaceship, one of many in a fleet. It was a reality TV show.
[And he shrugs. It sounds ridiculous, but it's no less ridiculous than being here, a walking battery for emotion-fueled gods. And honestly, it's not even the most ridiculous thing he's experienced in the past couple of years.]
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that's still weird, but it's not as fucked up
[Potentially.]
how scripted was the show?
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[Which would be unsettling for even a normal person, much more so for someone with a history with the Midnight Channel and the TV World.]
We didn't even have a director - at least not one that spoke with us directly.
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and kind of like here, to be honest
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It was pretty weird. We never even knew who was watching us. Atroma didn't really explain in detail.
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[At least here they know who's watching and why. Not any less creepy, but... it's something.]
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It wasn't the worst place I've been.
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[What kind of shitty luck must this guy have that Hadriel isn't the worst place he's been.]
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I try to do my best with every situation. And there is at least one good thing that always happens, no matter where I end up - I get to meet good people.
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[Emily fulfills the 'sarcastic one' role, of course.]
there are some really cool people here, though, that's for sure
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[Yeah, it's definitely true. Souji counts you among them, Em.]
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