hadriel | 002 [Video]

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002 [Video]

[He supposes this is as good a time as any considering the events of the past few days and Rosen's recent post, so...

Lance is looking more put together than he has recently, although he hasn't completely returned to the formal look; he has bothered with a suit but not with a tie, and his hair's getting slightly out of control and distinctly curly. He also looks a bit like he's either gotten too little sleep or too much, although his voice is steady and even and he certainly sounds more professional than he did in his last post.]

Due to recent events, and in followup to Dr. Rosen's announcement, I think this is a good time to reiterate that should anyone be in need of someone to speak to about anything that may be bothering them, I'm always available for counseling or just to talk.

[He's gotten the impression this is something a whole lot of people here probably need, and it's important to make sure they're aware of the option and don't have to go hunting for information on who to contact.]

My name is Dr. Lance Sweets and I'm a clinical psychologist, which, for those whose worlds don't have such a profession, means that I work with helping individuals work through any mental or emotional issues they might be having. Although I've counseled patients on a range of subjects, my primary work has been with the FBI and therefore often in the area of coping with witnessing or experiencing traumatic events.

[Which is fortunate, since there seems to be a lot of that here. Which, itself, is unfortunate.]

Meetings can be as formal or informal as you're comfortable with, and where we speak can also be decided upon on an individual basis. I'm also willing to answer any questions you might have before making any agreements or arrangements.

[Because he's very aware that a whole lot of people don't get the idea of psychology at all, and he's also expecting at least a few 'aren't you twelve?' comments.]

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[Well that's... Both really cool and really unsettling all at once, though the latter wins out briefly; although often outwardly expressive, Lance is actually very secretive and the idea that Ushahin might be able to pick up on thoughts and see into his mind--whatever that means--is a little terrifying, and that's probably very obvious.

But he carefully tries to push that aside, at least for now, because he's already agreed to help and really, how is what Ushahin does much different from what he does? Talking to a sufficiently skilled psychologist or psychiatrist can feel almost like speaking with a mind-reader already, and he's asking Ushahin to trust him by the very nature of having this session anyway. It somehow seems only fair that Lance has to do the same in return, for once.

It's not possible for him to completely block out how nervous this makes him, but he does his best to ignore it. This isn't about him, after all.]

That isn't really something that exists in my world, at least not that anyone is sure of.

[Avalon is certainly something, but Lance hasn't really made up his mind about her and although he does allow for the possibility that there are real psychics he's not going to say he truly believs in them.]

So I may need to ask you a few questions if there's something I don't understand about this, in order to be able to help.

[Although he says it as a statement, there's a clear unspoken 'if that's okay?' added on.]

[He waits to see Sweets' reaction. Not everyone here had been so willing to believe at first. They thought he exaggerated or pretended to be more important than he actually was. They were soon cured of that line of thinking. The fact he isn't immediately asked to leave or given a skeptical word heartens the old immortal.]

The first thing you must know about me is that I am old. Very, very old. Well over a thousand years, though I have forgotten the exact amount all told.

[His face looked like someone not out of their twenties, barely with any lines across it, but his eyes spoke of the ancient being that lay within. It's hard for most people to fathom someone that has lived well over a millennia, but the fact Ushahin isn't a screaming wreck after all that has happened to him speaks quite a bit to the fortitude of his mind. He continues on, still sitting in that unnerving stillness that no one here save perhaps the Elves possess.]

I am not fully human, though mayhaps you can already tell. There are beings in my world called the Ellyl. Beautiful, arrogant, proud, and perfect-looking. If you have spoken with any of the Elves here, they are identical in appearance, but Ellyl are corrupt, rotten to the core on the inside. I was born when a human man forced himself on an Ellyl woman. I was rejected by both races and left to die after being stoned as a child. [Thus explaining the horrendous injuries that had never healed.] I found solace with the Were, beings that walked like Men, but looked like wolves.

[Amazing how most of the sorrows of his life could be summed up in a few simple sentences. There was a lot more nuances and details that he could go into, but that could be saved for later. He wanted the doctor to understand just why he'd come to be the way he was.]

I served a god in my world for most of my life, one that the rest of the world saw as being dark and cruel. But he was not so to those who followed him, he was kind and compassionate. [He pauses and looks down at his healed right arm, remembering his own screams as Satoris had forcefully healed it as punishment for one of his transgressions.] Well, most of the time.

[Lance is quiet, listening carefully, accepting all of this as fact without question for now. After being in Hadriel for a time, and knowing what he does about some others, it seems ridiculous to question someone's story when they seem to so clearly believe that they're saying. He doesn't get any sense that Ushahin is trying to lie to him; exactly the opposite.

He can't say he doesn't wish it were a lie, though. The story is just... Terrible, really, and as fantastical as some of the elements are they can still be connected to things he knows. There are, after all, some unfortunate universals, even if the particular details might vary.

It makes sense that Ushahin would want to talk to someone; in fact it's far more astounding to think that he'd made it this far without doing so. Hopefully he has, at least a few times, and it's just been awhile; Lance isn't yet thirty--and likely will never be--and can't imagine having made it this far without talking to people about the weight of what he's been through, let alone a thousand years more.

He's silent until he's sure Ushahin is done, at least for the moment, and takes another few seconds to gather his thoughts before speaking.]

I'm sorry, for what you've been through.

[It isn't pitying; he means it genuinely, and he wishes that things had been different.]

I can't imagine what you've experienced, but I want to help you in any way I can.

[If that's what Ushahin wants, anyway. He's being honest about that as well, at least for the most part; there is a portion of Ushahin's story that he can imagine very well, but he carefully chooses not to go there especially considering Ushashin's stated ability to read minds.]

[He catches just a little of Lance's thoughts, just enough to know that his compassion and empathy are genuine. Perhaps this is one of the reasons Ushahin had sought him out. He has always appreciated honesty in people and could sense very well when a person's intentions are genuine. This man, he knows, wants to help. Whether or not the half-man has already gone beyond that point is anyone's guess.]

I wish to better myself. When I arrived here, it was after losing everything and everyone dear to me. I didn't much care about trying to get along with those around me. I ended up being unnecessarily cruel to many when there was no need, though I didn't always mean it.

[His greatest regret was how he'd invaded his neighbors' thoughts far too often. While he had finally reached a turning point with Sans and had put forth effort with others in the cave, he'd never be able to do the same with Newt and Hermann. He could only hope wherever they'd gone to after this was better than what they'd experienced over the past couple of years.]

But there was a turning point several months ago. Doubles of us appeared in the city. Mine and I ended up mutually killing each other, but not before I saw what I could become if I truly decided to give into darkness, and become the monster everyone saw me as. Since then, I have strived to do better. It is...difficult.

[An understatement if ever there was one. Ushahin could no longer stop the thoughts that filtered through his mind than he could've stopped the sun from rising. After a lifetime of doing precisely what he wanted with his powers, reining them in was the hardest thing he had ever done. Always, the temptation to just take the easy route, and learn what he wanted to about others by force was always there.]

[Again he's silent for as long as Ushahin talks, until he's sure he's finished, taking in and trying to sort out everything he's hearing. The specifics, just as before, might be entirely outside the realm of what he's used to--murderous doubles, being killed and still being here to talk about--the general ideas and underlying concepts are understandable. The sentiments that Ushahin is expressing are something Lance can work with.

He speaks up after a moment, organizing his thoughts, tone even and certain.]

As difficult as it might seem, you've already done the hardest part.

[He thinks that's important to lead with.]

Deciding to change, and taking the first step to do so, is far easier said--or thought about--than done.

[Without truly wanting to make a difference in oneself it's just not possible, no matter the external factors. But when the will is there, having support helps and he's intent on figuring out the best way to provide it.]

Is there a particular part of this change that you're struggling with the most?

[He listens and there is no small part of him that is relieved to hear that all he has been doing is not for nothing. He's really not sure about whether or not what he's trying to accomplish here is even a goal that's within his grasp.

Ushahin finally moves, leaning forward, and lacing the fingers of his hands together, both the whole and the crooked.]

The boundaries of others. Going so long without respecting them, I find it hard to know where they lie now.

[Not entirely a problem specific to a psychic, so at least Sweets will have something to work with.]

[Lance is glad to see Ushahin moving a bit; he isn't sure if the earlier stillness was normal for him, especially since he's not entirely human, or if it's an indicator of nerves or stress, but either way he's glad to see the movement.

The answer is indeed surprisingly... Mundane, almost, and one that Lance has a lot of experience with considering his girlfriend has had this same issue herself. He nods, encouragingly.]

That's a really common problem, even for people without your circumstances. It's even more confusing because boundaries vary wildly depending on the individual.

[And figuring them out can be tricky, even for someone very adept at social cues and interaction.]

Usually it's better to err on the side of caution, though, and there are a few general rules that typically apply to most people. If we discuss them, do you think it's a reasonable goal to try to work on this particular issue for a little while, until our next session?

[Provided Ushahin wants a next session, of course. But Lance finds it's usually best to not overdo a session, especially an emotionally draining one, and also not to give too much 'homework' so the patient has a better chance at succeeding in the goals they set before the next meeting comes around.]

[There's just the trace of a smile on Ushahin's face as he listens. There's something about the expression that softens the hard, jagged edges of his broken face, making them look less terrible. It's so nice to have someone he can confide in, even as old as he is. Even immortals need someone to talk to occasionally.]

That would be reasonable.

[Having something to work towards instead of stumbling blindly on his own is heartening to the immortal psychic. He's doing his best here, but he's still going to need a lot of help to get to a point where he feels he's no longer as invasive as he could be.]

[Lance smiles as well, encouragingly.]

Okay, great. We'll start with some basics regarding physical boundaries, and then mental and emotional because they're more complicated.

[And probably the area Ushahin needs most guidance on, he's thinks, considering the whole psychic thing and what he's already said.]

For physical boundaries, it comes mostly down to two things: space, and contact. Most people like to maintain a distance of at least five feet, although eight is better if you're strangers. For friends the distance is less, but four feet is generally a good rule for now.

[Because it's very context dependent, and so for Ushahin it's better to go with a specific number for now.]

As far as physical contact goes, it's best to avoid it entirely for now unless someone else initiates.

[Ushahin listens, and for the first time in a long while, he decides to adhere to the boundaries that someone else has set out for him, instead of just the ones he's come up with for himself.]

I shall strive to remember. When one is raised by wolves, boundaries such as that are not as readily made clear.

[The Were had been many things to Ushahin, but teaching him any limits either physically or what he could do mentally had not occurred. They had encouraged him to develop his abilities and learn not to care about who he might have hurt in the process.]

I'd imagine.

[It's a little flat, but not sarcastic; being literally raised by wolves is... Definitely a good excuse for being unclear about boundaries, honestly.]

Emotional and mental boundaries are a little harder to give you some rules for, though. A lot of it is going to come down to your own judgement, and from paying attention to the person you're speaking to. Do you have any skill in reading tone or body language?

[He'd expect not a lot, considering both the wolves thing and the whole 'being a psychic' one, but he doesn't want to assume. It might be something Ushahin picked up somewhere along the line anyway, especially in his time here.]

A little bit, mostly in reading their tone. Though I must confess, it's much easier just to pick up what people mean when you can tell what they're really thinking.

[He's relied on it a long time so that he can rectify the difference between what people tell him and what they really mean. So many people lie, whether intentional or unconsciously, so that Ushahin has come to distrust most new interactions.]

But my friends here, those I am close to, I find no need for it. I can tell things more easily with them.

[That's actually a more positive answer than he'd expected, and he nods again; they can work with this.]

Good; then you know what you need to start. It might be difficult, especially with people you aren't familiar with, but try to stick with just reading body language and tone and using that to tell when you're overstepping your bounds. It's also perfectly fine to ask someone if you're unsure if you're upsetting them or prying too much; even if you've already crossed a line and are unaware of it, asking shows you didn't do it with any ill intent. That's important to people.

[Asking for clarification is one of those things people are often too unsure about to actually do, but it's incredibly useful.]

Most of the time, emotional and mental boundaries have to do with sharing information. Generally, let people share what they want to with you, instead of asking or pressing for information; there are some exceptions to this, of course, but for now it's a good rule.

[And probably enough to focus on for now. He also feels he should add something else, though; Ushahin probably has already mostly figured this out, but it ties into the mental and emotional boundaries subject well enough that now is a good time to mention it.]

The reason why your psychic abilities are considered so invasive to others is that it doesn't give them the choice of what to share and what to keep to themselves. Maintaining that control over your own thoughts and feelings is incredibly important, and sometimes it's all that someone has control of.

[Ushahin listens intently to the information he's given. He's never really had to ask permission for people's boundaries before. Always, he'd merely taken what he wanted from their heads. To do so otherwise would be a novel experience if nothing else. He didn't know how long he would be able to keep it up for, but it was worth at least trying to do what was right.]

I shall strive to do as you have suggested. Though it is...difficult, sometimes, to keep such rules in mind. The temptation to search out what a person is really thinking is a strong one, especially when they lie. I don't like liars.

[His fractured eyes glitter, and for the first time, there's a glimpse of the darkness that makes up Ushahin's mind.]

And then sometimes I can't keep the voices out no matter much I try to keep them at bay.

[Yeah, the look in his eyes is... Slightly creepy, but Lance just does his best to ignore it for the moment even though he'll keep it in mind in the future.]

You're not expected to be perfect, especially not immediately. What matters is that you make a purposeful effort, and that if you hurt someone you try to make it right.

[Whether by apology or action. Intent is the most important thing right now, early on in whole process of trying to make a change like this.]

I feel I have already made progress simply by coming here and listening.

[It has reaffirmed in his mind that what he was doing was correct. It was all he could really hope for in the end.]

Next time, I shall bring Fetch in. You would like to meet him.

[The raven followed his own rules, having lived his whole life as a spybird. Generally, he was a good bird, being Ushahin's eyes and ears in the cave, rarely using his own psychic powers for anything other than to ask people for food.]

[He smiles at that, lighting up a bit at the prospect that he's actually helping, even if only a little.]

I'm glad to hear it. Who's Fetch?

Fetch is a friend who came with me from home. He is a raven with an ability similar to my own. He can project images of things he has seen into people's heads. Here he seems to use it mostly to ask for food from people, the glutton.

[Ushahin sounds awful fond of his little companion. No matter what he had gone through here, his raven had staunchly been with him through thick and thin.]

[Lance brightens a bit more, leaning forward slightly in interest; the more formal part of the session seems to be mostly over with, so he's being slightly less controlled.]

That's so cool. What do ravens eat?

[Asking for, you know. No reason.

Lance really likes animals a lot, even if he's not super knowledgeable about them; he does know a decent amount about ravens' behavioral patterns and intelligence, though. Somehow the idea of a psychic raven is just not as surprising as a psychic human, either.]

Well, the ravens of Darkhaven will eat just about anything they can get their claws on. They're true omnivores. Fetch is very fond of corn and little scraps of meat.

[He decides to tactfully omit the part where those little scraps of meat usually came from the bodies of the dead on battlefields. No need to mention that until it became actually relevant.]

[Probably for the best; it wouldn't bother Lance that much, since a lot of birds are scavengers and that's just a reality, but he's definitely not planning to bring human meat as a snack for the raven. Corn, though, he thinks he can probably find.]

I'll see what I can bring for him, then.

[He will make friends with all the animals he can, okay. It's his mission.]

He will greatly enjoy that. Anyone who feeds him is a friend. Did you know he started off life as a chick so small that he could be cupped in a single hand? My cousin Tanaros found him shivering in the snow and cared for him all winter until his feathers grew in. Now he's nearly as big as a hawk.

[That was one big raven. But for all that he was a bird bred to be a spy during war, Fetch was not a mean sort. He was loyal to those that showed kindness towards him and had save the lives of his two-legged friends on more than one occasion. Having him here was a nice reminder for Ushahin of the good qualities of home that he missed.]

[That... Is a really cute story and Lance can't help but smile, even if the idea of a raven that large is a little intimidating.]

They're really smart and have great memories, don't they?

[He's pretty certain they do, but who knows if ravens might vary from world to world especially if this one apparently has some sort of psychic powers. But the point is that the bird surely knows and remembers what Ushahin's cousin did for him.]

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002 [Video]

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