hadriel | 003 [Video]

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003 [Video]

[For those familiar with Clinic, it can be recognized to be the backdrop for this broadcast; it's also probably easy enough to guess that Lance has just arrived there, because he's obviously drenched. It doesn't seem to bother him any, though, except for that his slightly ridiculous hair is now definitely long enough to fall into his eyes when wet, so he has to shove some of it out of the way before he can actually see the screen.

Despite being soaked he looks a little more vibrant and relaxed than usual, although in contrast his tone is quiet and sedate for the most part.]

Is the 'raining underground' thing strange even for here, or...?

[Because he hasn't been here that long and he's heard that it's snowed before, so maybe not? But the rain is totally not the point of this post, so he continues.]

But rain aside, I'd actually wanted to ask about the caves that branch off from the main cavern. I know they're supposedly difficult to navigate and filled with monsters, but have there been any coordinated efforts to explore them? And what sort of monsters exist in them?

[He does remember Maketh telling them there are paper records on some of the monsters at the Guard post, but as far as he's concerned that's really not too helpful. Besides, he'd rather hear that the general populace has to say, and talk to them individually on this.]

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Yeah.

[And okay, this awkwardness is getting somewhat painful. Lance normally isn't the type to let something hang unsaid in this way, but he's also normally pretty sure what the 'something' is and therefore how to address it.]

It feels like you have something to say.

[He finally goes with the vague statement, but his tone is pointed enough to make up for it. He's not annoyed, just uninterested in keeping up dancing around whatever the subject is.]

[The pointedness of that comment takes Lee by surprise and he blinks, owlish, at Lance for a moment before sighing and shaking his head]

I don't know what it is i want to say.

[He won't deny that he wants to communicate something but god help him he has no idea where that something begins or ends. How does one vocalize a vortex of worry and fear?]

[That's a fair answer, and Lance's gaze shifts off to the far wall for a few moments while he thinks before moving back to Rosen.]

I know you wanted me to accept those.

[He dips his head slightly to indicate the tin.]

What about not doing so bothers you most?

[Its a good question. One that pins him in place.]

The thought that you might end up in a situation where your only option will be to kill or be killed

[The words are barely whispered, but his eyes are trained on Lance.]

Edited 2017-06-18 00:53 (UTC)

[Lance is quiet for several seconds at that, for a few reasons; he's not particularly used to people both caring enough about him to worry about that sort of thing and actually saying it. Although he has people back home who worry about him, most of that is usually unsaid.

He's also not sure how he feels about it, or how much he wants to say in response, so it takes a little bit before he finally answers.]

I've already been in that situation.

[It's quiet, but he focuses his gaze on Rosen intensely enough to make up for the lack of strength in his voice.]

I would've shot the man who attacked me, but I didn't have a chance.

[He remembers reaching for his gun, and in fact he thinks he'd closed his hand around it before the man stomped on his chest; after that it's a blur and then he was waking up in the arena. But he'd made the decision to kill to defend himself, even if he hadn't managed to actually do it, and he'd always thought that sort of thing would haunt him even if it was worth it. But it doesn't; of all the things he regrets about what happened, choosing to try to defend himself isn't one of them.]

[Rosen's face shifts with what could almost be called disbelief]

Just because you've been in that situation before doesn't mean I want to see you in that situation again

[He gives a quiet sigh at that.]

I get that, but it's something I can handle. And wouldn't the real problem be getting into a situation that's life-threatening and requires fighting back, not the method of doing so?

[Because if it were purely about the danger he feels like Rosen would've worded his response differently.]

Lance.

[His voice grows a little firmer]

What is upsetting me is the idea that something, anything will happen to you.

[Rosen falters then, not having expected that to come out that way. So...bluntly honest. His eyes dart around, clearly uncomfortable having shared something that he feels vulnerable about, and after a moment his voice drops back into its quieter tone.]

I know its foolish and that its not my place. But it is entirely...entirely involuntary. I couldn't make it stop any more than I could trade my voice for someone else's.

[Lance goes silent at that, not sure how to take it, again because he almost never hears it put that way. He knows his friends don't want anything to happen to him, and Booth occasionally hints his concern--he really, really misses Booth--but it's almost never actually said, especially not so directly.

It means a lot, and Lance greatly appreciates it, but almost paradoxically it also makes him want to immediately distrust that Rosen actually means it. He knows that has nothing to do with Rosen, and it's an instinct he should ignore, but knowing that doesn't actually make it easier to do so.

So he has a brief mental struggle over how to respond, and it probably shows in that his expression and tone don't match; his voice is calm and even, but his eyes are distant.]

I'll be fine.

[He always is, after all.]

I know it won't necessarily stop you from worrying, but I know what I'm doing. And I can't--

[He stops, his voice suddenly giving out on him, though he isn't sure if it's for physical or emotional reasons. The swirling mix of everything he's been mostly repressing since he arrived threatens to break through, but he firmly focuses outward instead of inward and tries again to continue.]

I can't let fear or danger dictate what I choose to do here. There's no point.

[This is it. All he can do is try to do as much good as he possibly can while he's here, because he doesn't have anything waiting for him afterward.]

I know.

[Rosen nods, hesitantly at first then with a more deliberate motion, shoulders shrugging a little]

I know you will be. I know you do. I do know that.

[He tries to smile but its wavering]

And I-- I don't want you to change who you are or what you are doing. I just--

[Lee catches his lower lip between his teeth, chewing at it restlessly. What is it he wants to say? Needs say?]

I care about you.

[He can't help it.]

I...I'm sorry, I know it means I tend to smother a bit. I don't mean to... [I'm scared.] ...I don't want you to think I believe you're incapable or unintelligent or naive, I know it must seem that way.

[He wants to say that it's only been two months; there's absolutely no way Rosen could actually care about him that much. People usually don't even like him in two months, let alone actually care, and it's not like he's given Rosen much reason to feel even that. Rosen probably just feels some sense of responsibility because he was the one who had to deal with Lance when he first showed up, and was who Lance had to call a few weeks later for help; of course he's probably come across as someone to worry about at best and a charity case at worst, because if people don't hate him outright that's usually--

Stop. That is not a helpful line of thinking, and it's--probably, he really can't say for sure, can he?--not true either. Lance unclenches his jaw, not really sure when he started doing it, and carefully uncurls his fingers from where they'd tightened around the towel that's now sitting on his lap.

He should say something, and he blinks a few times and focuses on his surroundings again, finally fixing his gaze on Rosen again.]

It doesn't. I know you don't mean it that way.

[His voice sounds hollow even to him, although he finds that the words aren't a lie as he says them even despite his doubts.]

[Rosen watches as Lance seems to retract into himself. Of course Rosen instinctively worries. Its his default state these days and as he waits with breath held for any response, his grip tightens on his mug. He really has no idea what to expect. But the micro expressions, the clenched jaw, the curled fingers, they paint a picture.

When Lance finally does speak, the uncharacteristic deadness of his tone is unnerving.

Lee leans in jus a little, hands moving to lay firmly palm-down on the surface of the table.]

Lance [His voice is soft but gently insistent] I need to be sure what exactly it is you think I don't mean 'that way'...what part of what I said...

[Because if it is just the part about thinking he was incapable or naive, then that is one thing, but he's getting an uneasy feeling that that is not what Lance is referring to]

[That had indeed been the part Lance was referring to, but Rosen's not wrong to ask if it's what he truly meant. Lance suddenly isn't sure, because although he knows what he was saying consciously his subconscious may not be on the same page.

But he's also suddenly exhausted, and the thought of mentally trying to sort everything out to find a real answer is overwhelming. He sits back in his chair a bit, putting the same amount of distance between himself and Rosen as there had been before without really thinking about it, and offers a weak shrug as his answer.

But a few seconds later he makes another attempt to shake himself out of his almost-daze, taking a careful, measured breath in and then out. He sounds a little more there when he responds, at least.]

I know you don't mean for it to seem as though you think I'm incapable.

[Or any of the other descriptors he'd used, even though he's heard them many, many times from other people, both here and at home. He doesn't believe it's Rosen's intention to come across as feeling that way, even if that doesn't mean he doesn't actually still think it.]

Edited 2017-06-18 03:13 (UTC)

Ok

[Rosen leans back into his chair then, giving Lance even more space, and takes up his coffee cup again. He accepts Lance's answer, however he still can't shake the feeling that there was more to Lance's first response than that. An unwillingness to accept what Rosen had said or possibly a refusal to believe it. Lee has been picking up on a trend of Lance seemingly forgetting how important he is as a person himself all the while running around trying to affirm everyone else's self-worth. Or at least trying to help them find theirs.

He remembers the scars on Lance's back. He hates the very idea that someone ever put them there just as much if not more than he hates the person who broke Lance's hyoid bone. But either way all of these things come together and are weaving a story that is seems to be unavoidably filled with pain.

So Lance's unwillingness to take on what Lee said, it fits into a pattern. A concerning one]

And I don't think you re incapable. In any way.

[Its said still in his same quietness, fingers dancing lighting at the rim of his mug. He then hesitates before lifting his gaze and turning his head to look out the window at the rain]

When Shadow was killed, my first thought and my only fear was that this situation might lead you to danger. Undoubtedly all the hostility that was being flamed, you'd want to find a way to calm things. Find another way. Do the noble thing. [None of it is said sarcastically or with judgment.] All I could think of was "please, Gods, he's the only friend i've had in over 20 years."

[His gaze drops to the floor, Rosen biting the corner of his lip]

[Sometimes--most of the time, really--Lance has it together; he's been working, determinedly, on at least his most serious issues for most of his life, and it's done him an incredible amount of good. He has bad days, of course, but they're generally isolated or brought on by something specific.

But in Hadriel, so far at least, he's been having more bad days than good. What happened at home just before arriving would've been enough reason, but the ups and downs and stresses and threats that have been almost nonstop have made handling his longer-standing issues feel like a losing battle. He knows, logically, it isn't--he's felt this way before, and he's also a psychologist and knows better--but logic only goes so far.

So it's been a struggle, and this conversation just unexpectedly hit upon that, even though the logical part of his mind is continuing to remind him--whether futilely or not--that there's no reason for it. He knows when people are lying, and Rosen means what he's saying.

Lance takes another slow breath, purposefully sitting up a bit straighter and willing his tense muscles to relax a little as he truly tries to take in what Rosen's telling him. It's still difficult to work out what exactly he's feeling in response, some strange mix of guilt and confusion and the quiet contentedness that goes with realizing someone actually cares about him. He finds he's willing to believe, or at least hope to believe, that the sentiment from Rosen is genuine, after his last statements. That isn't the sort of thing someone says for no reason.]

I'm sorry to have worried you.

[It's quiet, as everything else has been, but there's more strength behind it now and his eyes are more focused. He means the apology both for the time period Rosen is talking about, and for now. He probably should mean it for the future, too.

He's also sorry that Rosen hasn't had any other friends in so long, and it's difficult for the idea of that to really click for him just yet. It doesn't seem to make sense; sure Rosen's not exactly the most open person in the world, but no friends at all?

He feels like he should say something else, but even that much--and just staying present instead of in his own head--is too draining for him to add anything more just yet.]

Thats not something you need to apologize for

[Lee hadn't said any of those things to guilt Lance or to force any specific emotional response. Feelings aren't an exchange or a quid pro quo. One person's feelings, in this instance Rosen's caring and his worrying, did not obligate another, i.e. Lance, to therefore be responsible for those feelings.

As such Lance apologizing for his fretting and his fussing makes him uneasy. Though he appreciates the sentiment behind it.

His eyes shift upwards finally, taking in the sight of Lance. Hair wet, skin looking pallid from sitting in wet clothing for so long, and towels draped inelegantly around him. And exhaustion. Everything about Lance seems to bleed a tiredness. Lee tries to pull on his own weary smile, nodding in the young man's direction.]

You look as though you can barely keep your eyes open. You should get dry clothes and a rest.

[His fingertips drum against the edge of the table before he adds-]

Thank you for coming over. I know you have a lot on your plate right now.

[The shift in topic catches him off guard a moment, but then suddenly he feels the chill of the air and how his sleeves are sticking to his arms and how uncomfortable his soaked socks are. Right. He's still drenched, even if his hair's mostly dry from his previous efforts.

He nods a little, folding the towel that had been resting on his lap and then the one that had been around his shoulders, stacking them carefully on top of each other on the table. Then he offers a small smile in return, finding his voice again as he begins to stand up.]

Of course.

[He means it; it isn't an inconvenience to him when Rosen asks him to come over for whatever reason.]

I'll let you know when I make it back home.

[So Rosen doesn't need to worry about whether he makes it back considering the storm, and that he's sure his behavior has been more than a little concerning.]

[There's an appreciative smile, though its fragile.]

Thank you.

[Rosen then stands abruptly]

Oh wait-

[Fumbling through a cupboard he pulls out a thermos and proceeds to fill it with the remainder of the coffee before holding it out to Lance]

-Something to warm you on your way back.

[Lance isn't quite startled by the sudden motion, although he is slightly perplexed and furrows his eyebrows a moment until he realizes what Rosen's doing. He accepts the thermos gratefully, smiling a little more strongly.]

Thank you.

[Sometimes the smallest things are the biggest comfort, and feeling the sides of the thermos begin to warm slowly from the heat of the coffee is one of those things. He makes sure the top is firmly closed, so that no water from the downpour outside will get into it, before looking back up at Rosen and giving a small nod of farewell and heading for the door.

He sends a text message about twenty minutes later, as promised, letting Rosen know he hadn't been swept away in the storm or anything.]

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003 [Video]

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