hadriel | FIFTH SONG ♫ TEXT

I still have hope.
Maybe that's my problem.
Because it keeps getting crushed, every time I spectacularly fuck up again.

People think that Hope is one of the nicest gods.
In my opinion, he's one of the cruelest. His emotions has the potential to hurt the worst. A breath of fresh air that can turn toxic and choke you with the snap of a finger.
It's pretty brutal.

You're right about Hope. I don't think even Hope understands why I hate him so much. There is nothing crueler than holding onto hope that will never last. He gives us hope in the form of sand just so he can watch it fucking fall away from us.

Just. Stop caring. Don't care if you fuck up. We all do. I do. Often. If I sat and groaned about all the stupid shit I've done, I'd probably have killed myself. But I don't. Because I've learned I'm not the only who's a fuck up.

We may be fuck ups but we're not alone in that.

Yeah, I got back and forth. I've yelled at him a couple times. Then we seemed to cool. Right now, it's pretty ambivalent I guess.

Tell me one way you've fucked up, then.
I mean, like, if you want.
I don't know.
I just don't get how you can stop caring. I always thought the point of being human was, like, striving for better.

I was burned alive. My mother let the cult she was in take me and strap me to a metal disk. They hung me above coals so hot they were white. I could feel everything as my hair melted away and my clothes caught. I could hear the Order chant and pray as they burned sin from the world to keep the Darkness at bay.

I was saved. My mother regretted her actions and went to the police. They got there but not before the damage had been done. I was... I was nothing but melted skin and fear. I remember the officer who saved me the most because he... he used his bare hands to pull the hot chains off of me, scarring himself.

From there, I remember only bits and pieces. The harsh smell of a hospital. The pain I'd feel at any of the smallest movements. The confusion and pain and fury. I let it take over. A young nurse came to check on me and I burned her eyes away.

I gave in to something in me I shouldn't have. I broke myself into another piece, a darker piece, and then I destroyed that town I came from. I burned their children alive. I turned them into monsters so the world would know what they really were. I ensured that, innocent or guilty, they would be hunted down and elimanted for the crimes and any who crossed the threshold of that city would be drawn in for their own crimes, as well.

I had to kill every part of me and throw away the piece of me that could feel love and happiness to survive that.

[ There were a lot of things Rose was prepared to learn about Sharon during this conversation. It can be said, however, that wall of text was absolutely not fucking any of them. Jesus H. Christ.

But some of it does resonate with Rose. She understands shattering of the soul; she knows what it means to live in broken pieces of yourself just to survive. She murdered a part of herself in the ring, after all, to be able to murder all the other unfortunate yokai pitted against her. A harsh reality of self-preservation in the extreme. ]

In Haven, a man named Phillip Kite experimented on me. A handful of us, but I was paired with a woman who wielded magic. He extracted it from her. He pumped it into me, but it was incompatible. It changed me. I didn't just kill her. I ate her.

And then afterwards, I couldn't stop. I betrayed the trust of my friends, people I'd just met. None of them mattered. Nothing matter. Nothing but feeding myself.

I tried to kill myself there over the guilt of it all. Over the monster I'd become. It didn't work out that way, obviously, but when I got to Hadriel I swore I'd never eat anyone again. So I haven't. But I've wanted to. Almost did, even, but managed to stop myself before it got too far.

Those are my fuck-ups. Some of 'em. There's more, of course, but...

Tell me, did you get your happiness back? Your ability to love?

[ Is there any chance for her, when she'd barely known those things to begin with? ]

[ She must always be hungry then and Sharon can only imagine how that feels. It wouldn't be at all like her thirst for vengeance, for justice, but worse. Sharon would ask what kind of man Phillip Kite was but she knows already; she knows because he's like all the other men and women who hold themselves above the rest and play games with the lives of those beneath.

The question seems strange, almost impossible to answer, if only due to its complication. ]

I... I think I did. No, I know I did. I accepted what I was, what I am. Once I did that, I knew I could be happy.

And I love more than you can know. Everything I do is because I love someone. In fact, I... I'm in love with a person here. Who accepts what I am, too.

[ She is always hungry. Starving, even, and it shows in the way her systems have slowed. Faster than even she anticipated, which is... worrisome.

Phillip Kite was exactly that kind of man. Thankfully, he got what he deserved in the end. A painful, repeated death until even his own works couldn't revive him. Rose is only sad she wasn't around to see it. ]

I'm happy for you, then.
Love is... I know everyone flipped their shit when Love was revived, but I still think it's great. Painful, sometimes, but the pros of it far outweigh the cons.
Most everyone deserves love.

Maybe I'll accept myself someday, too.
Maybe I can join those ranks.
Right now though? That still seems a far way off.

It can take a long time, especially if you've been constantly demonized. I had to accept every horrible thing I'd ever done and then accept that, sometimes, horrible things have to be done.

I don't know if that's how you'll come to accept yourself and whatever love you deserve but it will happen.

Considering my kind are called 'demons,' it's not a far cry to say I've been demonized my whole life. Just never thought I'd actually be the demon they expected me to be.

[ Do they really though? Rose had done some horrible things in her time, but... She had always carried the guilt that there was another way, there was something else she hadn't seen then that wouldn't have cost her fellow yokai their lives. That would have had her away from Kite's clutches. That would have stopped her from killing and eating innocent people. ]

We'll see, I guess.
Suspect it's pretty different for everyone.

You're more than what you think you are. I think... that's something you should keep in mind.

FIFTH SONG ♫ TEXT

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