hadriel | 06

I was just fucking painting and this... fuck, this asshole with a camera comes and starts snapping away and then I think he sees himself in my painting somehow and just... [ She's furious but she's also trying to remain calm and recall the details as clearly as she can. ] ...he just flipped his shit.

[ A pause, a soft sort of realization. ] He touched L's. I-I... I painted L. [ Not on purpose but that must mean something, right? Just thinking back to it makes her heart quicken and fear fill her despite her location. ] H-He almost looked like him.

[ A doppelganger? An alternate? A rabid fan? Some creation of the gods? ]

[Painting L is something that should probably never be done, and if Sharon hadn't been someone else, Mello is confident she would remember that, so he doesn't bother to mention it. Her description of her murderer freezes his blood. If this happened toward the end, when the illusion began to wear thin, there's only one person Mello can imagine would look similar to L and have such a violent reaction. He has the good sense to switch to a private channel before disclosing his revelation.]

Beyond. It must've been him, that's too much of a coincidence to ignore.

[His voice is hard, angry; he should have warned her that Beyond was here.]

[ Every part of her goes cold, as if someone dropped her into a bath of ice. She'd heard about Beyond's story, the things he did for the sake of being better. This is... This is bad. The kind of bad where she's suddenly not sure what to do.

Scream.

Cry.

Rage. ]

Oh. [ Breatheless. Soft. It's the only thing she can think to say because everything else in her is tied in a knot so tight she wants to die again. ]

[Good grief, he really fucked this up, didn't he. A sharp twist of guilt burrows deep in his chest, and he sighs loudly, frustrated with himself for all the usual reasons - namely, the fact that once again, he wasn't better.]

I should've told you he was here. I'm sorry, I - I didn't think he'd be a danger to you.

Everyone is a fucking danger to me. [ She says it way more sharply than she means to. This is just... This is just fucked up. Suffice to say, she probably won't be making a trip to the house tonight.

But, no, she doesn't blame him. It's not his fault. This is just complicated. Way too complicated. She covers her eyes with the back of her hand. No crying. ]

I-I... I'm sorry. It's not your fault. Your actions weren't his and warning me probably wouldn't have accomplished anything given all our current states at the time.

[ Like how she couldn't stand Mello's face. And now it's the only face she really wants to see but she knows she'd likely endanger him. Her emotions are everywhere. The jar has exploded and she can barely keep it together. ]

[He's quiet when he answers her. She's right to be angry with him, he doesn't deny that, even to himself. He was careless, and she got hurt because of his mistakes. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference in the end, but he still should have told her, warned her.]

No, you were right the first time. I don't know why I thought otherwise. I'm going to talk to him, and I'll make it clear that he needs to leave you alone.

Y-Yeah, give him a stern fucking talking to, like that'll... [ Do anything. It won't change what happened. It won't avenge her. ]

Fucking hell, Mello. He strangled me! He fucking... [ He doesn't need to leave her alone, he deserves to die! He deserves to fucking die! And Mello's going to talk to him. It's a good choice she's staying the night with Kate.

It's not his fault. That man was... Mello could relate to him but she just... She'll kill Beyond, then. She'll kill him. And she'll leave Mello out of it. ]

What do you want me to do about it, Sharon? Hunt him down, strangle him back for you?

[His anger's misplaced - he's not angry with Sharon but himself, for not preventing the pain Beyond caused, and whichever gods are responsible for the most recent episode.]

None of us were who we're supposed to be. You hated me, remember? [He huffs quietly, and his next words are extra sharp.] Maybe I should assume that's carried over.

[ Ouch. The hurt in her voice is audible. ]

I believe it was mutual, you asshole. [ And none of it carried over, not one single bit, but the possible assumption? That really hurts. She takes a long quiet moment to put some restraint in her voice, to steel it. ] I'm staying with Kate tonight.

[ A pause, and then, much more quietly: ] And what I wanted you to do was support me. I want you to be with me and tell me I'm going to be all right but that's not going to happen, huh. T-Thanks so fucking much for the support.

[It stings, asshole, and all the rest of it, worse than any mistake he can remember making, worse even than the miscalculation that cost him half his face. Because it's Sharon, and he loves her, and her anger and hurt is a compound failure on his part. He failed to protect her from harm, and now he's failing to make it right, and isn't this exactly why he never allowed himself to love anyone? He's losing her, maybe lost her already, and it already hurts more than he can stand.]

How do you expect me to be with you if you're already gone? I am trying to support you, I'm trying to make sure this doesn't happen again, I'm trying to fix this -

[And doing a spectacular fucking job, as usual. It's just never enough - whatever he does, it's never enough, and it never will be. A strangled, frustrated groan crawls up the back of his throat.]

You know what? Stay wherever you want, for as long as you want. I don't care.

[And that's easily the biggest lie he's told in a very, very long time.]

[ She suddenly feels like a fish out of water or as if Beyond is pressing his knee into her chest again. It takes a long time for her to respond, the line entirely silent after his declaration that he doesn't care.

He doesn't care?

All the anger in her dissolves. All the willpower she's had just to keep things together. She wants to scream at him or cry but, instead, she manages out a hurt, almost dazed question. ]

...Do you mean that? [ He doesn't care. That seems like it should be wrong, right? He told her so much about himself and his life, he's shared with her things he hasn't anyone else. Was he just playing her? That's what he did to others, right? Why wouldn't he do that to her? ]

[He doesn't wait for her to reply, because when she doesn't immediately tell him to just fuck off, he assumes worse - that she's given up on him. So he doesn't expect the conversation to continue, and it's a surprise to him when it does.

He can hear that she's hurt, and part of him wants to lie, to push her to a breaking point, to say yes, to set fire to what he and Sharon built together and burn it to the ground, because what business does he have loving her if he's capable of bringing her this kind of misery? Maybe some of us can't help dooming those who are close to us, he'd said to her, that first time they talked after he'd killed her. Why did he ever think it would be any different with her?

Maybe this is all he is. Chaos. Pain. Death. Maybe this is all he has to offer Sharon, and she's already had more than her fair share. Maybe if all he's capable of bringing to a relationship is destruction, it would be better to end it now. Look at what happened to Matt. Mello can't bear the thought of putting Sharon in a similar situation.

But a bigger part of him, the selfish part of him, the part of him that is ruled by his emotions and always has been, that's the part that wins out. What he wants is to never lose Sharon, under any circumstances, and especially not those of his own doing. He's known her for more than a year, and it still seems like he's only just found her. He is so afraid to lose her.]

About what, Sharon? That you're going off to stay with Kate? That you're leaving? That - for a second time now - I've managed to cause the one person I care about the most to be killed? Do you know me at all?

[It feels, quite suddenly, that all the loss he's experienced over the years drops hard onto his shoulders, settles heavy on his chest: his parents; L; his mother, for a second time; the false life he just finished living and the family Michael Drake had and didn't appreciate, a mother and father who loved him despite his flaws and failings. And now Sharon. Mello can feel her absence already, a slow tear on his heart and soul. It's too much, all at once, and he swallows down a sob that threatens to erupt from his throat. His voice shakes when he returns to the frenzied words that begin to spill off his tongue.]

All I do is care, Sharon. And that means that in order to survive, I have to lie to myself, over and over, I have to try to convince myself that I don't care, time and time again, because if I don't, Sharon? If I don't push through the pain of everyone and everything I end up losing, if I don't feed myself the illusion that nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me, then everything will destroy me. Do you really think, that after everything I've told you, all the secrets I've given you about myself, trusted you with - do you honestly believe that I could tell you that I love you and then simply walk away from it, like it doesn't matter? Do you?

[ Every word is like a hammer hitting a nail into her chest, each one shoving in more feelings of remorse and distress and hopelessness and fear. It's a damn good thing this is voice instead of video because at every question she flinches.

After that, all that's left within her is regret. She's hurt him. She didn't want him to think she was leaving for good but after learning about Beyond? It felt like the better option. Get drunk, pretend it never happened, walk up a million flights of stairs and die on someone else's couch. Mello's home didn't feel like her own but it kind of was.

But home isn't a place that's ever existed. Her life has always revolved around a person, not a place.

She's still so used to running and nearly everything inside her screams to run, run and hide because she's hurting him and if she ripped apart what they were together... Fuck, it's like reverting. She wants to go back to her old ways, of running and hiding and being someone no one knows but somehow someone everyone hates. ]

You... You fucking idiot. You didn't have... [ the words get caught in a net in her throat but she recovers with barely held back a sob ] ...have a damn thing to do with my dying. Beyond killed me. It doesn't matter that you never told me about the fact that he was here because it wouldn't have changed anything and you know that. Just like you know it's not your fault I died the first time, either. [ She basically goaded him, after all. Why exist when your reason for existence is gone? Now, he's her new reason and she screwed it all up. She takes in a gulp of air. Her chest is so tight. ]

He's someone you... [ 'know' isn't the right word and 'know of' doesn't feel quite right, either. There was more to Mello telling her that story than just to tell it to her or for her to learn about B's existence; it was to learn more about him, Mello. He related with that man, that absolutely crazy fuck, and she's scared that that feeling of relation, that red thread that ties them, will be stronger than what he feels for her. ] Y-You relate to him. I didn't want to... If I came home drunk, spouting bullshit about him, or sobbing... I don't want you to have to deal with that.

[ Home? Is that the word she used? It's a lot like loving someone and saying the words outloud are real recognition of what's between them. Not only does she love him, she loves him so much she thinks of him as home. With his stupid shutter shades, his odd quirks, his quotes and stories. Those sound like home to her. ]

I'm sorry.

He's a story I was told when I was a child, Sharon.

[An important story at the time, yes, because it helped him find north when his entire world was upended. But that was then; he is no longer not-quite-fifteen and fighting a war and the rest of the world on his own. He knows who he is, now, and he knows what he wants from the second chance that has been extended to him in being brought here - a chance at learning how to be human instead of a machine. A chance to live, and a chance to love.]

No one is more important to me than you are.

[Not even L, or Near. And Mello was willing to die for both of them, before - did die, by Near's perspective, to keep him safe from Kira's eyes and notebook, because the world needed L in it, and that was Near's rightful title. But L and Near both were always more concepts than people to Mello - Sharon is different. Mello valued L and Near because of what they represented, but Sharon is more than either of them to him.]

It is my fault you died, the first time. No one forced me to pull the trigger. I wasn't under anyone's influence. I made a decision, and it was the wrong one.

[He hadn't cared for her, then, not like he does now. And maybe that's why he feels such personal responsibility for Beyond's actions, because he sees so much of himself - who he used to be - in the other man.]

You don't have to be sorry, Sharon. If you need to be somewhere else for a while, that's fine - I understand. Just ... promise you'll come back to me. Please.

It is not your fault, Mello, because I fucking said so. I'm the one that died, remember? [ As if there was any way either of them could forget. ] I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew what the consequences would be if I didn't succeed. I gave you my room number. I left my door unlocked. [ Had he not seen the strangeness in that? Or had he assumed she'd left it as such so her friends could come and go? Or that she was just a fool? Her heart twitches and she has to quickly bat and extinguish a flash of flame.

Fuck, man, this isn't how it was supposed to turn out. Why couldn't that asshole just have looked vaguely like L? Like how Arya's father and brother looked a little (a lot, too much like) Christopher and Vincent? She hates everything this place does to her.

The please at the end breaks her heart and she presses her teeth into her palm until it's painful so that she has something else to focus on. When she next speaks, her voice is small; there's as much guilt and sorrow to it as there is quiet adoration. ]

I... Mello, I was... I'm not leaving you. I'm not coming by to take my things with me. I'm not... I'm just... [ Fuck her. She is a fool. ]

Did you know I remembered you? N-Not for most of the stupid illusion but when... I thought of my parents the first time I died. I didn't think of them this time, all right? I thought of you. Even dying in an illusion where I'm not supposed to remember anything, I remembered you, ok?

[ And the rest of her life but, mostly, it was Mello. It wasn't like flashing back to all her good memories, she just remembered his face and the way he made her heart feel. She remembered that she didn't hate him; she remembered that she loved him. She remembered the way his hands would feel out of his gloves. She remembered the textures of his burns. She remembered how much she liked everything about the man. ]

[He knows, logically, that she could have stopped him if she'd wanted to when he came to kill her. He's seen her power, and he knows what she's capable of, and if she'd wanted to stop him from killing her, it wouldn't have taken much effort, and he would've been entirely powerless to stop her.

But what he feels about that episode will always be colored by the effects of Sorrow's revival. Even knowing that his feelings were influenced by the god does nothing to weaken their intensity - he has never been able to make his emotions bend to his will.

Mello doesn't want to argue with Sharon about it anymore, not after what she tells him about her last moments before death, the meaning he pieces together - that he's important to her. It's a complicated tangle of feelings that knots up in his chest when he reaches this conclusion - gratitude, love, sorrow, anger. A persistent sting of guilt, that she had to go through that death in the first place, that he hadn't been able to stop it, hadn't been better. He knows it's irrational, he knows there's no reasonable way he could have stopped it, but knowing and feeling are two entirely different things, at violent odds with each other.]

I'm sorry, Sharon. I'm sorry ... I love you.

[ Sharon laughs. It's sudden and heavy and there can be no denying that there are probably tears on her cheeks as she does so. There's nothing scarier than losing someone you care for. Death is frightening; it's cold and it's empty and it makes you lose everything: your chances, your life, your loves, your heart and your soul.

She's died twice now, each one connected in some way to the very person she adores, and if she has to die again for him, because of who he is or who he knows, then she'll take it. ]

Don't be. [ She sniffles, a small sound. ] I love you, too. I love you more than I've hated anyone and I don't want to lose you because I can be stupid.

You haven't lost me, Sharon. You won't lose me - not if I can do anything about it. I promise.

[And he knows there's always a very real chance that it won't be within his power. But until that point, he resolves, here and now, to never stop fightinng for Sharon - for them.]

You know where to find me when you want to see me again. Take care of yourself. I love you.

[ I promise. Sharon knows they can't keep promises in a place like and that makes Mello a liar—not that he hasn't always been one—but it's a lie she accepts. She makes her own silent promise: to ensure he stays with her, even if the end is fire and brimstone and mechanical machines ready to rip them apart. ]

I love you, too. I'll be careful and I'll... I'll come home tomorrow, all right?

[ And just for good measure, as if she hasn't said it enough. ] I love you, okay? More than anyone I've ever met.

I believe you, Sharon.

[That's a significant distinction, in his mind - it's one thing to know, and another to believe.]

Tomorrow, then. I'll see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow. [ She promises, voice solemn, exhausted emotionally. God, life fucking sucks. ]

06 | Video

voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.

private voice.