hadriel | 06

[Lance generally considers murder cowardly on its own, especially since it usually falls under hurting someone weaker than themselves, even if that was only the case only because of the event.]

I wouldn't exactly use 'all right' to describe that.

[In fact, that's... Not only not at all okay, but also not really good from a profiling perspective. That sort of reaction to something relatively minor, as well as the specific implications from not only interpreting a painting to be themselves but then killing someone over it, don't bode well.]

Yeah, most people probably wouldn't. [ And honestly it doesn't even sit right with her. Between learning who her killer was and the fact that he was a murderer before the illusion doesn't help, let alone the fact that Mello and Beyond have a connection makes it all the worse.

She has reached rock bottom. ]

It was shitty. But I've been through far worse. Not to mention, I can and have delivered far worse. [ She wants to seem like the girl unaffected by what she's gone through, holding herself together with nothing but a constant stream of vengeful thoughts, but the cracks are clear as day. Her attempt to keep her face and voice iron is starting to slip. ]

[It'd be difficult not to notice the little hints, even if he weren't both naturally adept at it and weren't his profession. Although he's hesitant to prod her further in concern about making things worse, at the same time he thinks she might subconsciously want someone to notice that she isn't as unaffected as she might seem; she probably would've ended the conversation by now otherwise.]

Having had worse experiences doesn't make new ones any less difficult.

[And, in fact, multiple traumatic experiences can compound and cause other issues beyond what they would individually, but he'll hold off on mentioning that for now. But he says it quietly and sincerely enough that it might be possible to pick up on that it isn't just a line; he means it, both from seeing others' experiences and from his own.]

[ Don't say things like that to her, Lance. She swallows tightly. She knows he's right because every horrible life experience has left deep wounds that she reopens on a consistent basis. She'd gotten better, for a time, being around Mello and people that care about her.

She'd even moved in with him.

And now? Her whole world can't seem to stop crumbling beneath her feet and she can't see Mello standing there next her to keep her from falling anymore. God, she's such a fucking idiot. Everything she touches, dies, rusts, rots away. That's why she was burned, because the only good thing she might be able to do is die and give birth to paradise. ]

...I know but what can you do about that? [ The use of 'you' is generalized here ] Nothing. All we can do is take it and have enough fury or hope in us to keep going.

[He's quiet several moments, watching her reaction and considering her response. That she's acknowledging what he said makes it clear this really is affecting her and that she's not actually trying to hide it completely, but also that she doesn't see a way to improve things. That's definitely not a problem she's alone in.

But he doesn't think the professional response--therapy can help, etc etc--is going to have much effect, because it's distant. That's often what people want, when they need to be reassured that someone else will take care of everything for them and knows what they're doing, but it's not the way to go with people who are used to dealing with things themselves. Being treated like you can't handle your own problems, even if it's something no one should reasonably be expected to deal with on their own, is going to prompt defensiveness and an immediate withdrawal.

So although Lance usually prefer to keep his distance--both because of professionalism and his personality--he decides to respond more personally and honestly instead, although he does switch the connection over to be private.]

The official psychologist answer is that you can work through understanding a bad experience, deal with it, and get over it.

The real answer is that you don't get over it, but you can get past it.

[It's one of those distinction that's important, and he mentions it because he thinks Sharon's seeming hopelessness about her options may come from the expectation of therapy being a fix-all, and knowing there's no way that could possibly be true for her. The unrealistic idea of a little bit of counseling just completely erases whatever terrible thing that happened is not a helpful one, especially when someone has been through enough that they know better, and can just lead to them feeling like there's no point.]

Those experiences never truly go away, but you can make it so that they don't control your life. Occasionally, you can even find a way to use them for good, whether that good is for yourself or others.

[Or both, sometimes.]

There's always something that can be done, and anything is better than just dealing with it alone.

[ She wants to ask how she can get past it because she can't see that. She hasn't gotten past being burned alive in 1974, how is she going to get past everything that's happened after? And that list is long and heavy. ]

I know you're trying to help but... That's advice for people that haven't gone through or seen and done the things I have. I can't just move past it, I can't let it go. And here, everything I've ever gone through has been pulled out of me and used against me. I've seen my dead mother. I've watched myself burn alive. I've been killed twice here and back home I've spent the majority of my life on the run from a cult that wants me to give birth to their deity, which starts with a nice cleansing flame.

I don't let those things control me, I use that pain to my advantage. [ A pause. She might as well. There's no bragging, no trying to appear bigger and worse than she is, just pure honesty. ] See, I have powers that rely rather heavily on my emotional state. The worse state I'm in, the more powerful I am. I guess that's what happens when you're the body for some deity.

[ And that's where a large chunk of her problems stem from. Her life has never been her own. She's never had control over what will happen to her. So, she fakes it. She puffs up. She lies that she can handle everything when the reality is that she can handle very little. ]

I won't argue with you, because you may very well be right.

[With the differences in worlds and situations, it'd be pointless to tell her with certainty that she's wrong. Still--]

But what I can tell you is that that isn't an uncommon belief.

[So don't necessarily write off the idea entirely, even though he'll back off on the subject for now; he gets the impression trying to convince her further won't do any good, and it's something she'll just have to think about on her own. The things that happened in Hadriel--awful as they are--he is pretty sure he could help with, at least.

He listens while she describes her powers, although it's more interesting to him how she says it than what she actually says; a few word choices, though, stand out as well. So he's quiet a moment before asking a question.]

Is it worth it, to hold onto the pain and anger in exchange for gaining that power?

[It isn't asked judgmentally; he genuinely wants to know and, more importantly, he wants her to think about the question.]

[ It's a good question and it's one she's asked herself on more than one occasion. A bad nightmare can set her sheets on fire. An argument could cause a rise in the temperature. The more emotional she is, the more powerful and, perhaps, worse her abilities become. She wishes she could just... let it all go. Get rid of her abilities, get rid of the god inside of her, get rid of everything from Silent Hill that's somehow tainted her, but she knows better: the only real escape from what she is and what she can do is death. ]

Have you ever been in a situation where you were helpless? [ He's in Hadriel, of course he has, so she doesn't wait for him to answer before she continues. ] Personally, I would rather burn the world alive than ever be helpless again.

[His eyes flicker briefly at the question, although her continuing immediately saves him having to answer or avoid responding until he can think about which route he wants to take, at least.

He understands what Sharon says better than most people would expect, although he knows their situations were--and are--vastly different. He doesn't want to make it seem like he knows what she's been through because he can only speak for himself, but he also doesn't feel it's right to let her believe there's no hope at all when he's able to give her real advice.

So Lance is silent for a time, suddenly very aware that this is a video connection and not doing a great job in controlling his expression; it isn't difficult to read that he's having an internal debate before he finally looks back at the screen. Although what he says is vague in details, there's an intensity to his tone that makes it clear he's speaking personally instead of professionally.]

I felt that way for some time.

[He'd been angry and hurt for years, and it's never entirely faded even if it's dimmer and he can handle it better now.]

But I realized I was letting what happened to me destroy my life, because I was focusing everything I had on trying to protect myself instead of on actually living.

[And although sometimes he still falls into that pattern, especially since being in Hadriel, it's unusual instead of the norm. His life hasn't been easy, but it's been so much more than just surviving.]

I'm not gong to tell you you're wrong for handling things the way you are, just that... If it's because it seems like the only option, it isn't.

[And he's saying that as someone with actual experience, not just someone who's read a book.]

[ The way Lance uses his words seem have some sort of impact, her own browns curling downward followed quickly by her lips. Is she destroying herself by letting what happened to her so long ago consume her? Is that something she can even let go after so long? That a man's sudden touch makes her heart stop and everything in her freeze? That the smell of burnt flesh and hair makes me feel like she's jumped back in time?

It has to be some form of PTSD, along with depression, extreme loneliness, inability to care for herself in a healthy manner, purposefully putting herself in a situation she knows will get her hurt or killed (and then hoping for it to stick). It's not a normal thing to want to die, even when you're in a situation where you've got things you've never had the chance to have before. She doesn't want to die, not always; she's got friends, people closer than family, but then it crashes down and she feels like she's drowning.

But it's not water that suffocates her but fire. ]

What other options are there? I could... I could stop using my powers but I can't even control them. They just... Fuck, one bad nightmare and my sheets are on fire. I can't let it all go. I can't let any of it go, no matter how much I really, really want to.

I want to be normal. I want to grow up and get married and have a family and live a life and I won't ever get that. Here, I can't have it. Home, I can't have it.

What other options for someone like me? Where's my options? Without my powers, I may as well be giving myself to the people that want to use me.

[What she says about getting married and having a family and a normal life, and not being able to reach that future anywhere, is something he understands on a few different levels. On one, it hadn't been true; what happened hadn't ruined his life, and although it had never been exactly normal he'd still grown up, went to school, gotten a job and met people he loves. On the other, it is true; he's never going to get married, he won't see his son be born, he won't reach his thirtieth birthday.

Suddenly he wonders what can he really tell her after all.

But he takes a deep breath, tries to keep his emotions under control, and refocuses. He can tell her the truth, which is--like most things--neither all bad or all good.]

I don't know. We don't exactly have magic or powers in my world, at least as far as most people are aware of, and without knowing more about how yours works I can't give you any answers for certain. All I can say is that the more control you have over your emotions and how the affect you, the more you will likely control your power instead of the other way around.

[And he can try to help her with that part, if she wants it; if she can gain control maybe then she truly could use her anger and hurt in a way that benefits and protects her, and only in that way, instead of it consuming her at all times. On the other matters...]

Wanting a future you can't have is--

[His voice cuts out briefly, an indication that he isn't keeping as firm a control over his emotions as he's trying to, but he tries again a moment later and continues.]

It isn't wrong, but it's also... It'll prevent you from seeing the options and choices you do have. It also might turn out that it's not as impossible as you think, but even if it is that doesn't mean you can't have a different life that is just as good. No matter how hopeless it might seem right now.

[It doesn't take years of study in psychology, or even personal experience, to be able to guess she's depressed and probably suffering from other trauma-related issues that make it difficult to see any sort of hope for the future.]

[ Lance doesn't understand and Sharon finds that she can't really blame him. There are few people here that can, really. Mello comes close but even she can't explain to him that her powers aren't really her own but whatever is in her. She's just the cocoon and one day that cocoon will shed and the thing that comes forth will have the real control.

Sometimes, she wonders if she should find a way a shed that cocoon; eliminate Sharon and Alessa and become the thing she's always meant to. She wouldn't save the world or save people, but at least it would all end.

She shakes those thoughts from her head, her throat tight with fear and ucertainty. ]

I get you're trying to help but... You have to understand, the world I come from, everyone is my enemy. The police, the FBI, the strangers on the street. The things that watch me between our realities. My situation is hopeless, no matter how much I try and I change it. I made myself a little girl and put myself up for adoption just to try and escape.

This is as far away as I've ever gotten and even now, I know it's hopeless. I've accepted that. But hopeless doesn't mean I'm done or out. It just means I have to find other reasons to continue on.

[She's right in that he doesn't understand; this isn't the sort of thing he has any experience with, and some of the things she says make no logical sense to him even if he might have some idea of the situation. So he's following as well as he can, trying to match up general scenarios to those that are similar enough and he does have experience with, but that can only go so far.

So although he feels for her so much that it hurts and he wants to be able to do something for her, he doesn't argue regarding the part about her world; he doesn't know if her view of things is skewed or whether that is truly the case, and debating her on it when he has no real knowledge to speak from is not only pointless but actively won't help.

The other part, though, about being here--]

Why do you believe it's hopeless here too?

[It's a genuine question, not a psychology trick to make her think about the subject; he's pretty sure at this point that she has a reason, and he can't discuss this with her without knowing what that reason is.]

Haven't you noticed? This place is a constant rotation of emotional suffering. One week, we're good, recovering however we can; next week, I may want to murder the people I care about; after that, I'll be forced to go through things I've gone through once and should never have to go through again.

It's kind of hard not to see everything as hopeless when that's all that you've ever had.

[He hesitates several seconds at that, because he understands it--especially that last part--better than he can properly explain, but without doing so his responses run the risk of sounding like platitudes instead of advice. And, ultimately, he doesn't want to get into things, as much as he wants to help her.

So he eventually settles on something of a compromise.]

I can't exactly tell you that this place isn't terrible, especially since I've only been here for a few of the difficult events. But that isn't all there is here, either, although I understand seeing that is easier said than done.

[And again, he says that part from experience.]

But just telling you that isn't going to help, especially not right now. At the risk of sounding like I'm lecturing, you should get some rest.

[Mental rest more than physical, at this point. They can resume this conversation later, when she's had some more time.]

[ Sharon laughs bitterly. Get some rest. ]

Yeah, yeah, I'll get some rest. Maybe the nightmares will be better than the reality.

That's not unheard of.

[Not by far. And he wants to add that he could probably help with that issue, even if she doesn't really believe any of the others can be fixed, but thinks he's probably pushed his luck far enough already. Besides, he's pretty drained himself from this conversation.]

[ Sharon laughs, it's a deep guttural sound, verging on unnatural. ]

Not when you're a precog but a girl can dream.

06 | Video

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[Video--Private] cw for very vague allusions to child abuse

[Video--Private] so man cw so like... just assume cw for the rest of this thread lmao!

[Video--Private] probably a good idea tbqh

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