hadriel | [Video]

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[Meditation is essential to communing with the Force, no matter how chaotic and crippled it feels in the cave. He is sitting in a ruin of a building, perched on what used to be a wall, legs crossed.]

We are all protected here. More than you think. [Against futures they do not want to face.] My visions haven't changed. It might be impossible to rectify anything.

[How cruel to stand on the precipice, see the monsters within and have no weapon; no defense.

"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you."]

I think it's time I bite the bullet and accept -

[Oh boy. He chuckles shakily.]

It was a nice dream.

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[He relaxes into the hold, resting his cheek on Maedhros's shoulder. Yes, he knows this Elf could make a difference; he could hold him back from doing whatever stupid thing gets him burned. But that's not his duty. He's a damn good friend here and that has to be enough.]

I think I single myself out. It's my fault I'm alone. [One of his arms lifts to embrace him back.] The fire becomes ice. I want to believe someone will melt it.

{The Elf rests his cheek on Anakin's head.}

It takes someone equally stubborn to not let you push away. It is not only your fault, my friend. You wish to protect others so much, are so passionate in all you do, and not everyone can handle it.

I would. As many times as is needed.

I know it's not. I...can only do as I think best. I don't understand why I have to lose everyone and become like that.

Is it Obi-Wan's doing? [Yes. Push the blame off on someone else. That feels better. Cleaner.]

Am I a monster, Maedhros?

{Oh, Maedhros has been here too. He sighs softly, nuzzling Anakin's head.}

Is that what your heart tells you? That it is only another's doing?

{He nudges his friend gently.} Be honest with me, my friend. I have no right to judge you. I only wish to hear truth from you.

{A dry, hoarse laugh.} If you are, I am worse. I have butchered my own kin, in cold blood, for only one horrible purpose - because they were in the way.

[Honesty is terrifying and he feels his body breaking into a cold sweat under his clothes. Maedhros deserves...the truth... But putting it into words is agonizing.]

...n... No. It's...me. I've killed...murdered. In cold blood. I tell myself it's...just a step. But it's so wrong.

[He buries his face in his hands.]

I can't go back. They would execute me. Padmé would...give birth alone and...

She won't make it. I don't know how to stop that from happening. That's why I have to stay close to...my new Master.

{Maedhros pulls him close and tight, tucking Anakin's head under his chin.}

You are stronger than I, Anakin. It took me far longer to admit that to myself, and I throw myself to the flames to run away from it. And abandoned my little brother who still desperately needed me.

No, but you can lessen the damage, going forward. You only have to be strong and not give up.

[He hasn't been held like this since he was a child, really. His mother would soothe him when he had bad dreams or he lost a race or, more often than not, he was beaten. They were both beaten back then and those were scars the Jedi had never sought to mend. Maybe they couldn't be mended. But it is an unstable base for a hero.]

I don't want to run away. [As much as it hurts...and it does...he wants to see it and face it.] Your brothers love you. They forgive you.

I don't think I'll get the same treatment. [His brow furrows.] There's no point in making the galaxy safer without her. I'm doing it for her.

{Then Maedhros has been negligent!}

Maglor does not forgive me. He loves me, and he stays, but he has not forgiven my abandonment of him. And I do not ask it of him. Curvo...was dead some years before.

{He brushes the real hand over Anakin's hair.}

Perhaps in trying so hard, you loose focus on staying with her? The loss of one who holds your heart is...it can destroy you, Anakin. When I lost Fingon...I went mad. I no longer cared what happened or who I killed. I wasted my time, instead of staying at Fingon's side, Anakin.

[No. It's just...hard to make up for something like that. Anakin is very young for what he faces. He pretends to know what he's doing, but he's scared stiff.]

...they haven't abandoned you. They haven't told you that you're a lost cause or that you're untrustworthy.

[He feels like the Jedi turned their back on him long before he did anything horrible. His gaze is a sickly yellow again and he frowns, confused.]

How do I stay with her if she's dead? She's gone, then.

{Maedhros can still try. Anakin won't be alone while he's in Hadriel.}

Out of familial loyalty. Only Celebrimbor was brave enough to separate himself from us before it was too late for him.

And the Jedi were fools to have done as they have. {He pulls back to stare unflinchingly into yellow eyes.}

Was she already dead when you were brought here? It is perhaps not too late for you to return to her, if she remains among the living.

[Anakin reaches up a hand to touch Maedhros's hair, settling himself in Hadriel. Sometimes he feels like he is going to fly away and be lost amongst the stars.]

That's not why they stay now. [His lips tighten.] The Jedi are blind fools who -

I believe they thought they were doing good, but they never considered that there was another way. Now they actively stand against me. I have to act.

[With Mace Windu... Obi-Wan...]

No! [His voice cracks.] ...no. But I've seen it for months. My visions are never wrong.

{Maedhros turns his head enough to kiss Anakin's palm.}

They stay here because there is little else they can do. {He's being purposely obtuse!}

Do you trust your wife, Anakin? Do you trust her judgement and wisdom?

[There is that warmth again; the warmth he can easily crave too much. He caresses Maedhros's cheek.]

No. They could live far from you in this cave. They choose to live with you. [So there.]

I know she'll be...disgusted...by what I've done. She may never forgive me.

{The Elf leans into the touch, glad he can offer some comfort to the troubled Man.}

Not if they felt the need to keep an eye on me.

{A small shrug.} Perhaps not. Are you trying to tell me you are not willing to even try to talk it out with her?

Would you really sleep near someone you didn't trust? [He is trying to return what he has been given. It doesn't come as easily as it once did. He feels...tainted. Unworthy.]

...I'm scared. If she leaves me...

If she chooses Obi-Wan...

I'm not sure what I will do.

I do not sleep. {Maedhros grins faintly at his own attempt at a poor joke.}

We always fear losing those we love. Those who are our entire world. Sometimes, the tighter we try to hold on, the faster we lose them.

My brothers and I tried hard to hold to our father and the Oath we swore, and he died in spite and fire. Still we tried to remain faithful to the cursed Oath, and one by one we died.

{But he sighs.}

...It is not easy to live without the one who holds your heart. One could argue it is not truly living. But if I could have held on, for my brothers, perhaps I could have done better as a leader than the horrors I helped continue adding to. And in not living, for the memory of love, I failed that person whom I love.

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