[Text] (With Pictures!)

[aroundthecoroner]

So it's day 2 of Ikea madness,
and I figured we should set up some kind of cragslist situation,
so that people can get rid of things they really don't want.
Or if you for some reason feel like filling your house with this stuff
follow your dreams?

Anyway I found this yesterday:

[Attached is a photo of a very odd table, the front half of it, anyway. It's sticking out of an apartment wall at an odd angle, legs mostly horizontal. There's a second photo of the back half, which appears to be in another room.

A jacket is hanging off of one of the hooves. Looks like someone has found a use for it, at least.]

If anyone knows how to get this out of the wall
without like, destroying said wall
they're welcome to it.
But to be honest I'm kind of getting used to it.
Might call it "Dave".
This I'm not too keen on:

[Another image, this one of a kind of unsettling chair.]

Frankly you can just have it.
Please.

[Everyone is welcome to post their new furniture they don't want, or offers to acquire more. Michael is not going to moderate, but it's a platform at least!]

Comments

[evocation]

what do you mean, maybe?

[aroundthecoroner]

I had an
encounter?
I don't know how else to describe it.
And maybe it wasn't even real.
I work with dead people, okay?
Sometimes the imagination gets away from you.

[Please find his half-truths convincing.]

[evocation]

what are you, like a funeral director?

[aroundthecoroner]

Nope.
Autopsy technician.
I did work in a funeral home, though.
A few years ago.

[evocation]

oh.
why'd you pick that job?

[aroundthecoroner]

Which one?
I guess you could mean either.
The first one was convenient,
they were hiring,
I needed a job.
And then I didn't hate it,
so when I moved I just got something similar.
Ish.
There's definitely a difference between preparing a body and,
well,
taking it apart.

[You wanted to know that, right?]

[evocation]

do you even cut into someone when you're embalming them?
how does that work?

[aroundthecoroner]

Not really.
Actually, if they've had an autopsy or like,
if they were in a bad accident or something,
you're more or less putting them back together.
As much as possible anyway.
So it's kind of the actual opposite.
Do you
do you really want to know how embalming works?
We can go there,
but most people don't actually want to.

[Be proud of him for catching himself before just going for it.]

[evocation]

[Does she want to know? She figures she's seen way grosser shit than anything he's going to tell her, so.]

tell me.

CW CORPSE STUFF THANKS KYNA

[aroundthecoroner]

[Just remember, you asked...]

Okay well.
To start with you give them a bath.
And then you like, massage out the rigor mortis.
Which is mostly so the chemicals can get everywhere
and also so they don't get stuck in a weird pose.
You put these spiky cap things under the eyelids so they stay shut
and you wire the jaw closed and glue the lips together.
Then you use these giant needles and a machine
to replace all the blood with embalming fluid
and to get all the gases out.
I guess you do kind of have to cut them for that
but just at the arteries in the neck
and over the body cavities?
Because you have to fill those up with chemicals too.
The blood and the juices just kind of go in a drain in the floor.
Then you have to uh
plug things up.
Like you know
orifices.

[YOU KNOW...]

So that nothing leaks during the funeral.
If they got messed up somewhere,
then you close that all up, too.
And if the face is already decomposing
you might have to reconstruct some things.
And then there's the whole
hair and makeup and dressing thing.
Which was never my job because I'm terrible at it.
Anything else you wanted to know?

yw also makes this worse

[evocation]

[Wow. That's.]

what the fuck do you plug them up with? corks?

CW: STILL GROSS

[aroundthecoroner]

Uh, no.
It's made of plastic.
It's
It's a corpse butt plug, basically.

michael pls

[evocation]

oh my god.
i'm never letting anyone embalm me ever.

okay the gross part is over for now

[aroundthecoroner]

Yeah me neither.
Just put me in the oven, honestly.

is it

[evocation]

me too.
wait, do they really cremate a ton of people at once in those?

[aroundthecoroner]

Not that I know of.
But I guess a bigger place could have a bigger oven?
The place I worked was kinda small.

[evocation]

do you just toss them in or some shit?

[aroundthecoroner]

Well no.
For one, bodies are way too heavy for that.

[A joke???]

[evocation]

yeah, i guess you are pretty scrawny, huh?

[Says the twig.]

[aroundthecoroner]

What?
I could probably pick you up.

[evocation]

bullshit. prove it.

[aroundthecoroner]

We're not even in the same room.
My arms aren't that long.

[evocation]

yeah, but next time we see each other.
duh.

[aroundthecoroner]

Are you
Are you sure you want that?

[evocation]

yep.
put your money where your mouth is.