hadriel | ☢ audio

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[Newt has definitely not been up all night building salamander-proof enclosures out of spare Null parts so the fact that he sounds both tired and revved up on way too much coffee is just your imagination.]

Two questions, Hadriel. One: Tell me about the cave monsters. What all has crashlanded here before I got here? Specifically, I'm looking for stuff that a person could feasibly, like, catch. Or at least put down and drag into town for some post-mortem studying. This includes stuff that might be a good food source, maybe? I don't know. Depends on what's out there.

[The food source thing is secondary in his mind, but the masses don't need to know that. He's already expecting to catch some flak for this.]

And two: Anyone got some time to help me wrangle some salamanders, at least? I'm thinkin' two should be good. I'd like to grab some other stuff too, but again, depends on what's out there. Gonna start with the salamanders for now.

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Ah. That explains it.
Well at least you've got hands on experience. Unless by worked in a morgue you meant you were a janitor or something?
What all did you do at your job?

Explains what?
And I wasn't a janitor.
I performed autopsies.
Why would I have mentioned it if I was just a janitor?

General bio. Nothing wrong with it just you specialize if you go higher than that.
And idk man sometimes people will get shady with that kind of thing so they can get in on stuff theyre not qualified for.
Its nothing personal I just had to make sure.
Damn ok autopsies are no joke so yeah I could use you. We're not gonna be working on people obviously but you know your way around dead things I'm assuming.

Right.

[You're off the hook for now, weird Harlan-voice-twin.]

And yeah, I know my way around.
Assuming it's not like,
completely alien and made out of weird alien stuff,
there's usually some similarities.

If its anything too alien I'll handle it. I'm a xenobiologist so I'm used to working with stuff thats like totally out there.
So far I haven't seen anything too insane around here? Like I definitely dont have lizards that light stuff on fire where Im from but we do have lizards so the basic biology of a salamander will probably be mostly similar.
Other than the fire thing.
Anyway I appreciate the offer man. Thanks.
Im Newt btw.
You allergic to phones or something?

Between the both of us we should be able to figure out what's different then.
I'm Michael.
And I don't like talking on phones.
I'd rather talk in person or through text.

Huh ok weird but noted. Phones are way faster and easier but suit yourself.

[#hatin]

In person works best for me too though.
Im at the lab like every day so just come by whenever. Don't work on anything unless I'm there though.
At least not for now. Maybe once we get a system going.

By like five seconds.
Get over it.

[Don't fight him over this!!!]

I'm definitely going to chop up everything in sight.
Just immediately.
Guess you'd better be there.

[Wow okay, touchy much??? Newt's phone gets an eyeroll but he'll drop it for now. There are significantly more pressing matters at hand here.]

Wtf don't?
Start up your own monster dissection lab if you want to play it that way.
Are you coming down here now or something?

[God, chill dude. Said the guy who is worked up about literally everything. Anyway.]

Relax.
I'm kidding.
I'll come down whenever you want me to.

Man dont kid about that kind of thing. Thats just cruel.
Anyway apparently I'm due for a few deliveries soon so sure come by in an hour or two if you're really chomping at the bit.
I could probably use a hand to sort through the first wave.

Sure.
I'll be there.

[He doesn't hurry, even though he kind of wants to, because Newt told him to wait. He considers just saying "fuck it" and going down immediately anyway, but manages to wrestle himself out of the idea. If he wants this to be any kind of longterm arrangement, he can't fuck it up.

But almost an hour on the dot later he shows up at the lab, in his stupid jacket even though it's a million degrees outside. He has the hood up, which makes his eyes stand out more, which is 100% not creepy at all. Hey.]

[He could probably fuck it up, honestly. Newt talks a big game but has zero standards. Don't torch his specimens on purpose and you're golden.

Anyway, Newt has received various monster deliveries by the time Michael shows up. Nothing in the pile is as startling as this hooded creep slinking in with his glowy eyes, though. Jesus, dude.]

Uh... Hey? Can I help you?

[Guess who has forgotten he was expecting an assistant. He's also definitely not subtly reaching for the nearest sharp instrument just in case...]

[Subtle, maybe, but unlike his normal complete obliviousness, Michael is currently half-melded with a thing that sees tiny movements as provocations. His eyes go straight to Newt's inching hand.]

What, was this a ruse to lure me here to kill me?

[Mmmm that was so bad of a joke it didn't even sound like one. Newt's probably the one who thinks this is about to be a murder. Let's try something else.]

Relax. I'm the one you invited to help. Remember?

[He pushes the hood back to hopefully look at least a little less threatening.]

[Newt freezes and drops his hand away from the sharp things. Oh, right, okay, this is... The guy. He'll stop being the tensest person in the world in a second, probably.]

Sorry. So you're, uh... [It takes him a moment.] Michael?

[He's pretty sure that's his name. Finally, Newt relaxes.]

What's with the eyes? You look pretty creepy running around with your hood up like that, just so you know.

Yeah, Michael.

[His eyes drift back up now that the dangerous instruments are out of the picture.]

The eyes are a long story. Short version is I died. And yeah, I know. [About the creep-factor, that is. And he is definitely not bitter about it. He approaches the table where Newt's been working.]

So what do you want me to do?

Edited 2018-01-25 10:34 (UTC)

Huh. That sucks. [It's hard to feel too bad about this guy dying when he's clearly not dead anymore, though. He shrugs and turns back to what he's been working on, which is... trying to pry open a treasure chest. Word on the street is that there's actually a monster in here.

He gestures toward the pile of more monster-looking things on the floor next to him.]

You said you did autopsies, right? You can take the more, uh, person-looking ones. Like that chick. [He points to a dead bird lady (read: harpy, it's a harpy) on top of the pile.]

If you've got experience working on people, you should be able to tell me how close to humans those types actually are.

[In other words, this is your first test, grasshopper.]

[Michael frowns down at the pile, and the uncomfortably human-looking body on top of it. This isn't his job at the morgue, and this thing would've probably tried to murder him if it were still alive, but still. It seems disrespectful.]

Sure, alright. That's all you want to know about it?

[He shuffles over and crouches down, hefting the harpy up bridal-style so he can move her over to the table next to Newt's. God she smells. And is disconcertingly squishy. This is going to be very soupy autopsy, he can tell. Or wait. Is it a necropsy? Since she's not human? Who cares.

He plops the body down and tries to straighten it out some.]

You got like a tape recorder, or something to write on? Or do you just want live reporting?

[Hey, man, don't look at him. He's swimming in dead stuff all the sudden. He hasn't had a chance to rearrange these things. And anyway, it's just a monster.]

I want to know everything, but the humanity Venn diagram is a good starting point.

[As for the tape recorder... Newt does have one, but it's his and not for Michael. He waves at a stack of papers on one of the desks.]

Good ol' pen and paper's your best bet. Guess you could record stuff on your phone if that suits you, though. You have any of this crap where you're from? [Now he's gesturing at the pile at large.]

[Hmmm Michael doesn't want to just get blood and grease and other fluids all over the paper, but he wants to get them on his phone even less. Paper it is. (Washing his hands every time he makes a note is right out.) He's wondering what tools he's supposed to use when he spots a collection of scalpels near the paper stacks. Looks like Newt may have raided the clinic, but whatever, they're not using it right now.

He glances over at the monster-body-pile while he arranges his workspace.]

No, not that I know of. We don't have monsters in my world. [Wait that's. That's very untrue.] Not that kind, anyway.

[He eyes the box on Newt's table last, finding it kind of odd compared to everything else.]

Is that like, pirate treasure? What are you doing with it?

[Look Michael his work is important. What the heck is the clinic gonna do with scalpels, anyway? It's not like they're over there performing back alley surgeries.]

Not that kind? What's that supposed to mean?

[He's observant when it comes to science.

He scoffs at Michael's question.]

Yeah, because this place is just crawling with pirates. [Though pirate treasure would be pretty cool... But it's not like there's anything to spend it on around here, anyway.]

The guy who dropped it off said it was a monster. Disguises itself as a treasure chest in order to lure its victims. Like an angler fish but for greedy people. Gotta say, though, it's a pretty impressive display. Looks like real wood and everything. It's even got the rust pattern down on the hinges. [He turns the back end toward Michael to indicate. It even basically weighs as much as a treasure chest full of treasure. Oof.]

[Michael rolls his eyes.]

I mean not the physical kind.

[Which is... also untrue? The Visitor is very physical when it wants to be, when he lets it. But whatever, close enough. He doesn't want to get into it. He also doesn't want to get into explaining his own jokes, but here they are. As dryly as possible:]

There are pirates here, actually, but that's besides the point. It was fucking sarcasm. [Uhhh whoops maybe dial it back a bit there.]

And if that thing's a monster that lures victims into opening it, why are you trying to open it? It's probably just gonna snap your hands off. [OR NOT...

He forces himself to take a deep breath.]

At least open it from the hinge side, or use a crowbar or something.

What other kind is there? Like ghosts or something? [That'd normally sound like bullcrap to him, but anything is possible in Hadriel, apparently. Which makes sciencing hard.

Anyway, he's used to getting backsassed, so Michael's response just earns a dramatic eyeroll from Newt.]

Whatever. The monster's already dead. It just curls back into this treasure chest thing when it dies, I guess. Like a spider. And the hinge side isn't hinged like a normal chest. This wood and stuff? [He knocks on it.] It's organic. Part of the thing. Busting it open on the hinge side would be like trying to pry that harpy's mouth open through her brainstem.

[He gestures accordingly with the Null arm he's been using on the treasure chest. It's... sort of crowbarish? He's working with what he's got.]

Just come over here and give me a hand, would you? [Maybe Michael will be less noodly than Newt. Or maybe their noodle strengths combined will get this stupid thing open. Either or.]

Yeah, like ghosts or something. [Close enough.

Michael leaves the harpy for now, moving over to where Newt is instead.]

You'd think it'd be more like a bivalve, but that would mean it would've opened after it died. Unless this is what bivalve rigor mortis looks like.

[Admittedly, he has never dealt with that. He's also never tried to open a treasure chest, organic or not, but he's got a lot of pent-up rage he could stand to unleash on something. He joins Newt on the Null arm and forces it down with as much strength as he can muster. Either this fucker is gonna open or he's going to break this metal.]

Wait, ghosts exist in your world? Huh. [Still tough to absorb, even if it's par for the course in Hadriel.

But, anyway, they have a treasure chest monster to pry open.]

You'd think, right? [Okay maybe this guy kind of knows what he's talking about. A little bit, anyway.] But it'd make sense for the species to evolve this way if it's specifically designed to prey on humans. If it died and left itself open, people would figure out the ruse pretty quickly. But this thing? [He knocks a hand against it.] This just looks like a locked treasure chest. The ruse remains intact.

[Or... something. This is his best guess for why it works like it does, anyway.

He picks up the Null arm again and, with their combined strength, they do manage to pry the thing open. The chest cracks open suddenly, spewing out a haze of foul-smelling, stale air as it does. Its body follows, long limbs jutting out of the wood suddenly like one of those prank snakes in a can things. It knocks itself off the table and tumbles onto the floor with a wet crunch.]

Oh my god, disgusting. [Newt is starting to rethink this monster studying plan. Eugh.]

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that's what she said

get out

that is also what she said

stop!!!

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cw gross dead body stuff

apply that cw from here on out probably

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