hadriel | 010 [Text]

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010 [Text]

[Lance doesn't typically post to the network within a few weeks of a previous post, partially because talking to so many people is exhausting and partially because he usually doesn't have anything to say so soon after. But this time he has two brief announcements that happen to be time-sensitive, so here goes.]

Hello everyone. The list of who is available and willing to teach particular skills is now available, and I'll continue to make changes to it as requested; it isn't too late to volunteer, if you'd like to. Where possible I've provided references to the initial responses, so be sure to look at the details of what someone is offering.

[And that's the main announcement. The second one he's still nervous about, even though he's been set on doing it for awhile, and it's part of the reason this is text; it's easier both to choose his words and not back out if it's through text.]

I'm also going to be taking a brief break from non-emergency counseling. This will only be for a few weeks, and if a situation is very pressing or serious I'm still available to meet; please don't hesitate to contact me, and don't second-guess yourself about whether it's serious enough to warrant doing so. The last thing I want is for someone who really needs help not to get it because I decided to take a vacation.

[And he really, really means this; the entire idea is making him nervous all over again about the decision to take a break, because if something happened to someone because he wasn't available to meet with them he's not sure he would forgive himself. But people here survived a long time without a psychologist around, right? Surely everything will be okay.]

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I remember some of it. I remember being scared. I hope I didn't embarrass myself too much.

You didn't.

[But that said, the next message comes back with slightly more delay, since he has to word it carefully.]

However, some of the things you said about your home life concerned me, so even though I'm kind of going on vacation, I want to make sure you know that if there's anything you want to talk about you're welcome to do so at any time.

[And if not that's okay, but he wants the option to be out there.]

It's hard to talk about.

And it's not going anywhere. [Her trauma's always with her.] Enjoy your vacation.

Do you have any tips for nightmares?

[Lance needs a little time to consider how to respond to each of her texts, and so it works out fine that she sends them separately; he responds to them all together though, himself, after a brief delay.]

I know it's difficult. And I'm not sure if this will make things better or worse in that regard, but if you did want to talk it wouldn't be in a professional capacity; it's unethical for me to provide counseling on this subject, because I'm unable to be impartial.

[So it would be more an informal thing, just two people talking, and although he doesn't directly state why it's probably easy enough to infer. Although he doesn't know for sure what's going on with her, of course, he has enough of an idea at this point to make the correlation.]

For nightmares, they're often caused by the subconscious trying to process something that isn't being addressed constantly. Talking with a friend that you trust, or even just writing down your thoughts and whatever might be bothering you in a journal can often help. Exercise is sometimes effective, too.

[All things he knows from experience.]

[Abigail has to think that over. Hannibal acted as her therapist and he was never impartial. She wouldn't say Dr. Bloom was impartial either. All of the doctors at the institution had agendas of some kind. She's never known anyone who kept a professional distance. It's interesting, makes her wonder more about his past.]

You had a bad dad too?

[ It's the first place her mind goes to. All of her issues are connected to her father or her father figures in one way or another.

She considers her suggestions. Margaery might understand. She's already told her about her past and she wasn't frightened away.]

I have made a few friends here. A journal's an interesting idea. There was someone back home who wanted me to write a book about my life. That was for money. I never thought about writing just for me. I do hunt, that's sort of exercise.

[The hunting's also a reminder of her dad. But it's one thing she knows she can do well, one aspect of her life to have confidence about.]

[Professional distance is important to him for several reasons, it being better for the patient is the primary one, of course, but it's also better for him. Being too involved in not only not in the patient's best interests--he isn't as able to give good advice when too close to the topic--but it's detrimental to his own mental health, especially when it comes to something like this.

Her question confirms his suspicions, and also makes it easier for him to reply. It's always a little simpler to answer a direct question, after all.]

A foster father, but yes.

[He's glad to hear she has some friends here she might consider talking to, and the mention of writing a book is interesting.]

Writing for yourself is always more fun, and putting things into words instead of just thoughts helps you make sense of them. Hunting is definitely exercise, though something more intensive might work better; as long as you're not overdoing it, exhausting yourself often helps improve sleep quality.

[It's not a permanent solution and shouldn't be used as a crutch, but every so often he's found it pretty effective.]

Are you an orphan? I am.

[She was almost an adult when her parents died,but still thinks of herself as an orphaned child. She had been made to be very dependent on them, especially her father.]

My guardian was good to me though. He was here for a while, Hannibal Lecter.

[He was her therapist too, a very unconventional one.]

They're both risky though. Someone could find a journal. And exhaustion might mean more sleep and more nightmares.

Yes. I was adopted after awhile, but my adoptive parents died several years ago.

[He was given up for adoption at birth, had a string of bad luck, and then ended up with a great family. But they were older, and died shortly after he graduated college.]

I only met Dr. Lecter briefly, so I didn't get much a sense of who he was, but I'm glad he's a good guardian to you.

[In whatever sense 'guardian' is used, what matters is that her life is better then it was.]

That's true. It ultimately comes down to which risks and rewards are or aren't worth it to you.

[They're both dead. She's curious if it's in any way similar to what she witnessed.]

My parents died on the same day.

[That she understands. She judged the risks and rewards when she choose to obey her father and when she faked her own death to live with Hannibal.]

Most things come down to that. Hannibal said we learn to avoid or raise a certain amount of hell, depending on which we prefer.

I'm sorry. That must've been incredibly difficult.

[His parents died within a few weeks of each other, but not violently; old age and illness simply caught up to them.]

That's definitely one way to look at it.

It was the worst day of my life.

And it was finally over.

[There are a few things that last comment could mean, but he doesn't want to assume.]

What do you mean?

My dad couldn't hurt anyone else. My mother and I were his last victims.

[That sounds really not good, although again a little too vague for him to make many conclusions.]

What happened? If you want to talk about it.

[If she doesn't, that's fine and he wants that to be clear.]

Can you promise you won't think I'm like him?

[He considers that for a moment, not because he doesn't want to say yes or even thinks that it's likely to be a problem, but it's difficult--and wrong--to promise something he can't be sure of. So he decides to be honest, and hope she understands.]

It's difficult to give you any sort of promise that will mean anything without already knowing the situation. But I can tell you that, with what I do know so far, it's extremely unlikely I'm going to think badly of you.

[He's not a fan of victim blaming, and he's pretty sure he made it clear on Tim's post that he understands how murky and grey things can get in extreme situations. If it's a matter of being in a difficult situation and doing what she had to to survive, he's not going to hold it against her.]

My dad did a lot of bad things, then killed my mom and cut my throat. I survived.
People said I was like him, even spray painted words on my childhood home.
The whole nature/nurture thing.
But I'm not like him.

[Oh, geez, that's... He's not sure what he was expecting, really, but what she says is pretty horrible.]

None of that is your fault, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. You're not like him unless you choose to be, no matter what anyone tells you.

I wonder about it sometimes, if I brought something out in him. Or if I could have stopped him.

In looking back, we can always see things that we could've done differently, but we make the best choices we can at the time. Whatever he did, those were his decisions; you didn't cause them, and you weren't--and aren't--responsible for stopping them.

I did cause them in a way. The bad things my dad did before the day he died - he did those bad things to other girls, girls that looked like me.

Obsessions and fixations are not the victim's fault. If you hadn't been there, he would've simply found a different reasoning and justification for the same actions.

Edited 2018-02-18 00:51 (UTC)

But he wasn't like that until I started thinking about college and leaving home.

Even if he had truly not considered doing anything before then, which is extremely unlikely, it's still not your fault. Growing up and leaving home is a natural part of life, not something you did wrong.

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