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[handofsilver]

I have a thing to ask; a thing that is not acceptable in my world, but it is part of my story and I think I must acknowledge it. I have noticed that other residents of Hadriel share half of my inclination, at least, and I must ask:

Is it possible for one man or woman to be attracted to both genders? I mean no offense. I admit that my first love - unrequited - was female. My wife was surely female! But there was a male...briefly...though he was naught but a monster seeking to ravage the world.

Comments

[handofsilver]

Thousands. There are more on Valinor.

[hasadoctorsnote]

And you really think that every single one of them is 100 percent straight?

[handofsilver]

Straight? As in they...prefer...the opposing sex?

Many must be or our population would be much smaller!

But I cannot speak for their hearts.

[hasadoctorsnote]

Straight is more they only prefer the opposing.

What you're attracted to and what you actually do are very different things. I'd bet that there's more than just one person out of all of your kind who isn't attracted solely to the opposite gender.

[handofsilver]

My father isn't. (And his uncle and cousin, actually.)

Thinking about this in reference to myself is strange.

[hasadoctorsnote]

What makes it strange?

[handofsilver]

Discovering yourself after centuries is odd.

[hasadoctorsnote]

... Yeah, I can relate to that, in a way.

At least you figured it out eventually, right? Just because something isn't acceptable in your world doesn't always mean it's a bad thing, you know. [Wow, it sure is a lot easier telling this stuff to someone else than getting yourself to believe it too.]

[handofsilver]

It was bad. With Annatar, the feelings were unclean and wrong. I wonder if it will always be thus for me?

My family does have its share of curses.

[hasadoctorsnote]

[Uh oh, he bristles up at those words but fights to keep himself calm, not thinking there's an intentional offense meant here.]

What about it made it feel that way?

[handofsilver]

He is a monster. Annatar was a mere facade for one of my world's greatest foes. He was using me for my gifts. Once he had what he wanted, he spent his time in torturing me.

[hasadoctorsnote]

Did you have feelings for him before or after you found out he was a monster?

[handofsilver]

Before, yes. After, they faded swiftly. He made me witness the death of my wife and daughter, after all.

[hasadoctorsnote]

Then try not to let feeling that way for a man hold you back or think it's wrong to feel that way just because it ended very badly with one guy.

I'm sorry for what happened to you. Nobody should ever have to go through something horrible like that; most people aren't that cruel.

But it doesn't mean it's some kind of curse on you.

[handofsilver]

I believe most tend to be kind rather than cruel.

I do not see how love given and love returned can be wrong. However being certain it is returned will be a great problem for me.

[hasadoctorsnote]

That...

I... know a lot about how that feels. [It feels so surreal to be actually talking about this openly.] Sometimes there are... feelings and they're not returned and it's... hard. Even feels like it really is a curse. But you just... have to accept that the feelings aren't returned and... move on somehow. You won't find something good if you stay stuck and fixated on hoping one day the feelings might be returned if you... if you're just a little bit better or impress them a little bit more or... or do something to get them to look at you differently.

I know the easiest thing to do if you're ever wondering if someone returns the same feelings you have is to just ask them or tell them how you feel, but that's also the hardest thing to do too.

But you should still be careful. If you have feelings for someone and they say they have feelings for you but they hurt you or don't treat you with respect or do other awful things, they might love you, but you should still get as far away from them as you can.

[handofsilver]

(Celebrimbor knows of unrequited love. He loved Artanis - later called Galadriel - and watched her wed Celeborn instead. His wife had returned his love, though, and he had betrayed her, drunk on what Annatar had offered him.)

If I am not good enough as I am, I will not strive to change. No relationship can be built on such a shaky, intangible foundation. Or, at least, they shouldn't be.

There was a lady I pursued for a short while in the caverns. I was not entirely serious or wholly smitten - though I thought her a warm companion and good friend - and she rejected me kindly. What I seek is the strength and loyalty of another, I think. I seek falling in love and to be loved. I miss the joy those sensations bring. What has happened to me has altered me forever.

Maybe I am a good friend and naught else. There are worse fates.

[hasadoctorsnote]

The only advice I have for that is don't give up on looking. It might take awhile but... eventually, you'll find someone, or they'll find you. [Otherwise it would be really really sad and depressing.]

[handofsilver]

My time here is a blessing. When I return to Arda, I will be dead or close enough that the difference does not matter.

[hasadoctorsnote]

You could possibly just stay here too, once we find a way to open the Door.

[handofsilver]

That would be cowardly. I have made my bed and I must lie in it.

[hasadoctorsnote]

Why do you think dying is cowardly?

[handofsilver]

Staying here, away from my death, would be cowardly.

[hasadoctorsnote]

If you know you're going to die as soon as you go back, why not make the most of the time you have here? You said your time here was a blessing. That doesn't have to end as soon as the Door opens, if there's a way for some people to stay here and some people to go. In the end, it's your choice, but if you have the opportunity, why not do a little bit more with your life if you can? [All things must die and Nico doesn't think it's right to cheat death forever but... taking a little bit of time to put things in order before you go, he doesn't see anything wrong with that, if you have the chance to do so. But maybe this guy is at that point already where he's ready to move on.]

[handofsilver]

There is not much for me to put in order. The family members that reside here with me are dead. They perished before me. Once I succumb, I will be joining them in the Halls of Lord Námo. There, I hope to heal for the injuries to my spirit have been greater than my body.

(And he bears brutal scars from the torture.)