hadriel | (Text)

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I have a thing to ask; a thing that is not acceptable in my world, but it is part of my story and I think I must acknowledge it. I have noticed that other residents of Hadriel share half of my inclination, at least, and I must ask:

Is it possible for one man or woman to be attracted to both genders? I mean no offense. I admit that my first love - unrequited - was female. My wife was surely female! But there was a male...briefly...though he was naught but a monster seeking to ravage the world.

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I put the pieces together less than a year ago- when Russandol told me how he felt.

Until then, I'd not thought to question my feelings toward him. He was my dearest friend; why would I need anyone else?

Were you confused? Were you frightened?

I was rejected by my Russandol. Ever since then, I cannot seem to settle.

Not at all. It felt as though a thousand oddities in my vision that I'd ever quite noticed before had suddenly come into focus for the first time.

That is not a fault of yours, cousin. Few things come before their appointed time.

My time is done. If it was not meant to be, I must accept it. What I did to my wife has earned me an eternity of loneliness.

Eternity is a long time, Telpe. Do not count anything out yet.

I think I will content myself in Forging and seeing my kin safe. That has not failed me thus far.

[...Someone more unkind than Fingon could probably argue about whether those particular priorities have failed Celebrimbor or not.]

Oh, Telpe. Is that really what you want?

(He doesn't have much, cousin.)

What I want...

I cannot acquire.

[But where would this family be if they gave up when their lives were a disaster?

~~Alive, possible. Actually, maybe don't contemplate that~~]

What do you want?

To love and be loved. I want to see my daughter again. I want my wife to forgive me.

I can't speak for your wife. But you are loved, Telperinquar, no matter what it feels like now.

And when we leave this place, you will find your daughter again. The Doomsman may have little pity, but that is not the same as being cruel.

Loved by family, which is a blessing I never sought once leaving everyone behind. But that is different. I wish someone for...myself.

I hope so.

You may yet. The world is more complex than the laws and customs of the Eldar account for, as we both know.

I don't want to stray too far from what we know, but to have that...

It would be soothing.

I suppose it would be.

So what do you intend to do with this new revelation of yours?

I'm not sure. I suppose it will open my mind to new possibilities.

Not such a bad thing, even in better circumstances. We all need a way to endure the long years.

I need a way to endure myself and all the ways I have been changed.

Perhaps. But we all do, cousin. It is no shame to have to do so.

Shame, no, but the pain is real. Facing it alone does not entice me.

But you are not alone. And that makes some difference, I think.

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