hadriel | [3] video (post Delight's event)

(Newt's sitting cross-legged on the floor and has his phone set up to be set on him in a very steady image. He's got a sheet of paper with what looks like a map drawn on it next to another, slightly more different map. For anyone who bothers to look at the floor anyway. Newt, however, is not looking at the floor but at the camera itself.)

You know, I've been thinkin' bout the monsters here lately. Went explorin' out in the caves the other night and I kinda realized something. I know it's gonna sound bloody insane but hear me out.

I kind of feel for the monsters. I mean, think about it. They're being treated just as unfairly as all of us, aren't they? They were dragged outta their worlds too and thrown into this place. I know they're violent but they don't seem...that bad? Mostly they stick to the caves and yet we go on in there slaughtering them all of the time and not always for food. Maybe I'm wrong but...that doesn't feel right to me somehow. Throwing all these creatures into a small section of this place then just tearing them apart because the gods tell us they'll give us rewards for it.

And trust me, I'm no bloody saint there - I'm guilty of it too but now that I've taken a step back and really thought about it, I have no idea why I ever thought that was okay. They're not robots. They're living creatures. They feel pain too, don't they?

(Newt frowns, twisting at the ends of his sleeves.)

Half the time- no. More than half of the time they don't even do anything to us. So maybe we should stop killing them unless it's for food. I 'unno.

(He sighs, looking off to the side of his room. Maybe he doesn't understand the world enough to understand something like that. But then he looks as if he's remembered something and grabs the two pieces of paper and holds them up to the camera so that everyone can see. The maps are of the tunnels.

Except one is different.)

By the way, the tunnels change. Discovered that. I'm kind of disappointed. That's how our Maze was too so I can't say I'm all that shocked here. Our Maze would change every night and it turned out that if you aligned the patterns, they spelled out words. So if anyone cares about seeing why the tunnels change- there you go. Wish you luck.

(Annnnd that's about it actually. He flips the video off after that casual reveal.)

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(There was a lot that Newt admired about Maketh. Maybe she had done a lot of things in the past that she had regretted but so had he. Everyone was subjected to making awful choices every now and then in their life but Newt had meant it with every fiber of his being when he had said that it was the present that mattered, not the past. And the thing with Maketh was she seemed so capable, so incredibly mature and intelligent. She was something he had never once known in adults, with a real sense of order and logic, someone kind and good, good to him now, good to him since he has met her and that...It was the first time Newt had ever considered what it'd be like for him to grow into an adult and wanting to be like anything. Wanting to be like Maketh. If only a little bit.

He too wishes they were talking in person. Newt was a physically grounded person who was invasive in a way that wasn't just emotional but physical. He'd sit close to the people he liked, bumped knees, touched arms, and generally didn't seem to understand the problem in showing affection. He would have hugged the breath out of her.

Newt idly wonders if his own mother, his birth mother, would have been happy that he had found someone like this. He thinks that she would have.

His own eyes were wet and unlike Maketh, he doesn't try to blink or scrub them away. He's got a face that looks used to crying and his tears remain where they are, making his eyes shine.

But then Maketh begins to talk about death in a way that Newt intimately understands down to the limp on his leg. His face is ashen and if he hadn't wished he was there before, he certainly did now.)

I...

(His voice is thick with emotion and he clears his throat a bit, sitting up straighter. He takes a steadying breath. The only person he's spoken about this with was Peter. No one else. Maketh though...She deserved that support.)

Back home, when I was in the Maze, I was a Runner. Because I was fast and smart and had no problem memorizing the Maze. But...it...It drove me a bit-

(His throat clicks and he stared off.)

But uh- uh there were vines all over the walls, you know, so one day I guess I just really couldn't stand it anymore. The maze and being trapped and the sound of the monsters and how I didn't know anything and I just. Couldn't. So I climbed up to the top and well- but I messed up. Landed funny and ruined my leg instead. I- Only...Only Peter knows that about me. I've been...struggling...with that feeling for such a long time. Wanting to not...exist.

(He looks uncomfortable, stressed, but he also doesn't look like he minded sharing this. And maybe it was a conversation better had in person but Newt doesn't really think it matters. It was a conversation that needed to happen now, that was relevant now.)

And here, I felt that way for a while too. I still do- sometimes. But it's really rare and brief and now I feel bad when I think like that. People like you, like Peter, have changed me a lot. You've given me a reason to want to be here. I think that- I think if you've found people, then you've found your purpose. I don't think there needs to be anything more than that. More than the people you meet, the people who change your life.

I think it's important that we've met. I know- I do understand what you mean. I do.

(And he'd told her that story because he understood it so thoroughly.)

And you're not alone. And really, you won't be so long as I'm here. And so long as Henry and Lilith are here too.

[It takes Maketh a bit to compose herself before she can even open the video to respond. There's something caught in her throat, painfully tight, and she's crying - she shouldn't be crying, it's unprofessional, against code, wrongwrongwrong, stop that. Sit up straight and put your eyes straight ahead, soldier.

She lies down instead, curled up on the bed she's claimed, and takes off her boots and jacket. It feels better like that, with the blankets wrapped around her. Almost like hugging someone close. That sort of --- peace, Maketh supposes.

Her eyes are red when she responds, but her tears are gone.]

I asked...I asked Henry to do it. Because I couldn't--manage it. And he did. I said it was for the best and he believed me. [Maketh closes her eyes.] I thought he'd hate me. For doing that to him, because what kind of person--

[No. Stop. She clears her throat.]

But he...he f-forgave me. And I -- I think I needed that. To remember how to be a person and not what I was. You and Henry and the others--you made me remember.

(He hadn't really meant to upset her so thoroughly but with the topic he supposed it couldn't be helped. The silence on his end is a bit unnerving but if it lasts much longer, he'd just try and contact her again. He doesn't have to though and before long, Maketh is looking at him once more.

Newt smiles in that gentle way of his and his heart crumbles a little at the sight of her red eyes. He wished he was there in person, truthfully.

Newt listens intently and something pulls in his stomach. He feels guilty for not having known that Maketh had gone through that during the wendigo event. He shakes his head at her.)

No, I ...I don't think that makes you a bad person, Maketh.

(He really didn't either. What was so different about that situation and the one where he had made his own best friend shoot him in the head because he was degrading into something enough like a monster? It just so happened that he also kind of wanted to die at the same time anyway.)

He sounds like a good friend. I think, for how long I've known you, you do a pretty great job at being a person.

(He smiles then and it's a little more clear.)

I'm glad I could help you with something like that. You realize that um- if you ever do need to talk to someone, I'm always around, right?

[She's never met anyone quite like Newt before. Someone who understands the way she thinks and even comes to the same conclusions, but somehow has avoided being warped by the logic. He's been hurt in terrible ways, but Newt has recovered. There's a scar, a visible limp, but he's still -- here.

That matters, she thinks.] He's been -- kind. To me.

[She smiles a little.] I think you'd like Henry.

[So far as Maketh knows, they haven't met. It's not that surprising. Henry tends to keep his own company.]

Thank you, Newt. I do -- appreciate that.

[Even when she doesn't have the words to convey it. Maketh rubs at her eyes a little.] I don't know if you like coffee or not, but I, uh, found some. So if you wanted some, you could come over. Sometime. If you wanted.

[3] video (post Delight's event)

[video]

[video] --> tw for discussion of suicide

[video] --> tw for discussion of suicide

[video]