[TEXT] Backdated to August 3rd

[killthisparty]

[CW for alcohol/substance abuse and intense depressive talk.]

iwonder if itd supposed tobe funny
all ths shit
you nkoe? beign stuck here
not being s person no more
but not rly a ghost

they talk to u slike they arent in charge
even if its not their choice
hey talk like they cant be blamerd for it
n some of u actually eat that uyp

they took two fo mine
two of ours. down to half

dont give a fuck if theyre not doing it
i dont casre
i hope the fucking robots wipe them out
every single one of them

have fun on ur lil roadtrip

Comments

Re: action

[killthisparty]

[ The question hits him, sharp and painful on the center of his chest. No, he isn't leave - the urge, the instinct is there, to just run until his legs get tired, to hide in the ways he knows how when he doesn't want to be found. Even in an island, he knows how not to be found.

But he can't do that to her. Not again. Not now.

So, despite his squinting in the light, the bags under his eyes, the way he has to keep a hand on the rail at the bottom of the stairs to keep himself steady, he looks honestly worried for a second. Or, maybe, not worried - perhaps guilty? It's hard to tell.]

No--no. No. [ 'Words are hard' is a true statement when it comes to personal conversation, and his response comes unsure at first, but steady at the end.

No. He isn't leaving. It wouldn't stop hurting even if he did, and he can't break their family apart even more. Not when losing people has become a painfully literal reality.


He glances away, then gives her an unsure look. But then, he moves, moves towards her and puts a hand on her shoulder, his face pale and the bags under his eyes dark, but he looks her in the eye, for one.]

M' not goin' anywhere.

action

[thelastjoy]

[She tries to let out the breath caught in her chest, tries to be relieved. He wouldn't lie to her. She's sure of that. But she can't get the tension to leave her bones, can't get the fear to stop gripping her insides.

Party might not lie to her, might not think he's going to go anywhere, but she's not sure anything can stop him from lying to himself.

Girl tries to reel in the panic and hurt. She tries to be steady when she looks into his face. She wills herself not to tip over and hold onto him until the empty hole left in Ghoul's absence is filled.

She tries to smile instead. Push it all down. For his sake.]

Okay. Just-we shouldn't. Not alone. Not right now. Just for a few days, okay?

Re: action

[killthisparty]

[ That's not a smile. Not a real one. He can see it in her eyes, and it hurts that he sees so much of himself in her. Not that he's particularly well known to smile - but to, without words, say something you don't mean, but wish you did.

He gently squeezes her shoulders under his hands.]

I promise. [ He can tell she doesn't believe him. And he can tell that he could say he's not going anywhere, 10, 50, 500 times and there's always a 'probably' attached to his words. Because he is a panicked, hurting animal, and he can mean what he says, but the words can change at any time.

How can he fix this? How can he be the person she used to see him as, when she didn't know any better?]

I'll be here.

action

[thelastjoy]

[Her hands fly up to grip his wrists, trying to keep him there for a moment more. Tie him to this house where she can keep an eye on him, tie him to her. She wishes that were possible. She knows it's not.]

Okay.

[Looking up at him, she sees same expression she'd seen a thousand times as a child. It's the same words she'd heard a thousand times as well. It had been a comfort and a reassurance throughout so much of her childhood. A truth held close to her chest. A guidance.

Why couldn't that be the same now? Why did she still have to feel so afraid he will slip through her fingers?

Girl pulls herself to her full height and for a moment acts selfishly. She hugs him, tight and brief. She pretends she's five again and he's the answer to all her troubles. And then she pulls away, trying to squeeze all her feelings back again into the weary shape of feeling too old for her bones.]

So will I.