voice

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail died in the deserted plot and has just been revived.]

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Is anyone out there? It's dark out. I can't see anyone. Please tell me I didn't go through all that just to be alone again.

[There's a moment of Abigail crying.]

I was dead. Am I still dead, is that what this is?

[Being alone feels like hell to her.]

Comments

[puzzlingly]

「Atem can't help but feel a little judged, it's not like it was his fault that his subconscious had her in chains.」

Took the sin out? So, what, you're clean now?

「Come on, it can't possibly work that way. If he sounds skeptical and a little cynical, it's not her imagination.」

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail frowns, maybe the things she's done can't go away.]

I don't know.  I was supposed to be.   I saw the sin coming out when I died. That has to mean something.

[She's not sure if she's trying to convince him or herself.]

[puzzlingly]

You still remember it, don't you?

「What was the point of that? A second or two after he says it he regrets it. He's not supposed to make her feel worse.」

What does it mean to you?

[am_i_a_monster]

I do. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just forget it. All of it.

[She shrugs.]

I want it to mean a fresh start. I want it to mean I can be someone else. Not my father's daughter.

[puzzlingly]

Would it help...? Forgetting?

「In truth, he not only asks because of her, he often wishes he could forget certain things, but all of them made him who he is, bitter memories or not. He had fought through hell and back to regain the memories he had lost once, it seemed outrageous to want to get rid of some of them after everything.」

You know... no one here knew your father. Or you. 「She could have just started anew, couldn't she? He doesn't know.」 Do you feel any different?

[am_i_a_monster]

Of course.  It can't hurt if I can't remember it.   I can't have nightmares about things that I wouldn't know.

[But she does know.  She has all the memories of her past to haunt her.] 

I knew him.   Will did too.   He got in my dad's head.  [She shakes her head.]  No.  I feel the same.  But Leo says I'm different.  And he'd know.  Wouldn't he?

[puzzlingly]

Leo...?

「Oh, oh. That guy... He shifts uncomfortably on his seat. He remembers him trying to goad him into telling him his sins, it was not up to him to judge him regardless.」

No one can tell you how to feel. But if that helps in some way...

「It's said with a little shrug. He clearly doesn't have all the answers, he's not sure about anything lately and this is no different.」

[am_i_a_monster]

You know him?  [Abigail watches him shift.]   He makes you uncomfortable?   Did he make you glow red too?

He sort of can.  He saw my soul.  He knows what's in me. 

[She's gone from her father to Hannibal, all kinds of being told how to feel and act.  It's easy to fall back on others.]  

I think it might help.   I don't know.  It's still so fresh.

[puzzlingly]

「He raises a bit of an eyebrow at that.」

We talked over the network. 「As if he makes him uncomfortable, there goes another shrug. He didn't then, but now, he probably does.」 It's not up to him to see what's in my soul, Abigail. I will be judged when the time comes.

I just hope it helps you. 「But it obvious he's not happy with how it was handled. It resonates a lot with what he would have probably done to her if for whatever circumstances he had the power to do so. Maybe that's why it doesn't bode well with him. He would have liked her to have a different fate. She didn't deserve to die, not in that dream, not here either, no matter if it seemed like a second opportunity only because of a god that could bring people back, if he could change her destiny he would, but he doesn't know how...」

[am_i_a_monster]

You get judged before that.  We all do.  Other people judge us. We judge ourselves.  I did a lot of judging of myself when I was alone.  And maybe.. [Abigail lets a little hope in her voice.]  Maybe I got judged by god, or whatever.  I was dead.  I don't remember going to hell or seeing my dad.  [She hadn't seen her mother or heaven either.  That may have been too much to expect.] My time came and I got a second chance.

I hope so too.  [She frowns.]  Otherwise, I went through all that for nothing.  [One more thing for her to feel guilty about.]  And I put everyone else through it too.

[puzzlingly]

That doesn't count.

「He says curtly. His Gods haven't abandoned him here forever! He has to believe that or he'll go crazy with grief. It's already hard to trying to understand why he's here at al, but he's not going to throw away all of his beliefs in a whim.」

[am_i_a_monster]

It does count.  I remember dying.  I was dead.  I can't go back in time, can't make myself die sooner to save all those other girls.  But I let myself die this time.  I was scared, but I still asked Leo for his help.  I didn't run away. 

[She looks at him sadly.] 

I died and it counts.  It had to count.

[puzzlingly]

Not that...! I meant... Never mind.

「The way she still speaks with so much grief about those girls, what was the point of it all if she hadn't gotten over what she did?」

What did your sacrifice do for them, Abigail? Dying wasn't the answer to this, he still killed you knowing that Hope nor any of the gods was here! How did that help?! You could have just never come back, how would that helped anyone?

「He's being harsh, but he cannot just hold the words any longer.」

Is that what you wanted...? To die?

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail blinks rapidly and looks away, trying not to cry.]  It didn't do anything for them.  I can't do anything for them.   It's too late.  I thought maybe it could could balance out the scales somehow, a life for a life. Leo talked about balance too.

[She takes a deep breath.]  Leo and I both knew I might not come back.  I was hurting; the nightmares were so bad.  If the gods didn't come back, I'd be alone with that pain forever. He told me I would have had peace if I died.  I wouldn't feel that guilt anymore.  I wanted it to go away.

[puzzlingly]

Abigail... You say you didn't run away but that's exactly what you did.

「And she was back anyway, maybe there is the chance that she was looking for.」

You must atone for those souls while you're alive.

[am_i_a_monster]

I can't atone when I'm alive.   I told myself that I could. I thought I'd live the lives they didn't get to have and then they wouldn't have died for nothing. 

[She shakes her head.]  

But when I sleep, in my dreams, they tell me that I should have died so they could have lived.  Nicholas Boyle tells me I should be dead too.

[puzzlingly]

「So she has tried? I would never be the same, it would never be easy, but dying fixed nothing.」

Who is that?

[am_i_a_monster]

[She frowns deeply at the memory.]

If I tell you, you might not like me anymore.

[puzzlingly]

「He has to give her a bit of a stare, he cannot help it, what could she have done that's worse than what she already did?」

You don't have to tell me, but... I think we are way past that.

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail sighs.  She's already told Leo and she didn't swear him to secrecy. He might have told others.]

He's the man I killed.

[She covers her face with her hands, not wanting to see his reaction.]

[puzzlingly]

「There isn't much of a reaction, at least not yet. It is clearly not okay but Atem holds his words for a moment. But her reaction is much more telling than his. He scoots over closer to her, and grabs her hands gently pulling them away from her face.」

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail's hands shake as he pulls them away.  She doesn't meet his gaze, doesn't want to see the jude-side of him again.  And she doesn't want to think about Nick either. He's already in her dreams.]

[puzzlingly]

「Atem keeps her hands between his, not tightly in case she wants to move them away, but just as support; he can feel her shaking. He's not there to judge her, clearly he had done enough of that already.」

Why?

[am_i_a_monster]

I was scared.  My friend Marissa had been killed.  She was my best friend and her organs were cut out of her while she was still alive.   I found the body. 

[She can't help the tears at the memory.]   

I was in my dad's house.  It was after my dad died.  I had taken a knife and I was cutting open the pillows.  I wanted to get rid of the human hair that my dad had put in there. Nick Boyle broke in.  He said he wanted to talk, but I thought he killed Marissa.  I thought he'd kill me too.  I ran and he caught me and shoved me into a wall.  I couldn't get away.  I was still holding the knife in my hand.  And I killed him.  It was instinct.

[puzzlingly]

「It's definitely not what she did but the gruesome images that she narrates what makes Atem feel a shiver run down his spine. But he listens, his eyes on her for a moment afterwards.」

It wasn't your fault, Abigail.

「He brings a hand to her cheek, wiping the thread of a tear.」

You were afraid... you wanted to live.

「Which is why so outrageous what that Leo guy did to her, she did not deserve it.」