voice

[am_i_a_monster]

[Abigail died in the deserted plot and has just been revived.]

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Is anyone out there? It's dark out. I can't see anyone. Please tell me I didn't go through all that just to be alone again.

[There's a moment of Abigail crying.]

I was dead. Am I still dead, is that what this is?

[Being alone feels like hell to her.]

Comments

[am_i_a_monster]

[She stays quiet for a moment, one word in particular making her feel suddenly sick.]

I don't like to think of it as I was eaten.  It makes me think of my dad and what he wanted to do.  Leo wasn't like him.  Not sick like that.  At least I don't think he was.  I believe what he told me.  You talked to him, so you know I must have deserved it.  He takes sinner's souls.   

[She becomes quiet again.] 

My universe was poorer because of all the lives that ended because of me.  How thoughtful or loving can I be, if I didn't stop my dad, if I didn't stop all of it? 

[She doesn't want to stay too much about the rest of what she's done.]

I might need your help tonight.  

[so_dark_a_road]

[ He hadn't meant to make her feel worse, and he worries at that sudden silence. ]

I'm a sinner and Leo didn't take my soul. I didn't feel it was necessary, as I've spent every moment since my death -- and shortly before it -- striving to make amends for my crimes. Trying to become one who restores balance to the universe by making positive things happen, wherever I am.

I agree, Leo isn't sick like your dad. Leo's a natural force, and as such, he has a designated function to fulfill, and that involves taking souls. I don't blame him for that, I just don't think that death is the only solution. Abigail, what real choice did you have? How could you have stopped your father, or stopped anything that was happening around you? I don't know your entire story, but it seems to me that when children grow up with an atrocious parent, they can't avoid feeling responsible for that one's horrible acts -- even though the child is powerless when a child, and has considerably reduced choice even later on.

It is a battle to be fought, the battle to regain your autonomy and integrity. But it was never your fault that you've ended up in this situation. I think every person in Hadriel who knows you would say that you are thoughtful and loving.

[ Perhaps someday she'll tell him, but right now, he doesn't care what she's done. Even if he knew, he still would believe in her. ]

You can have my help tonight, of course! I have pledged it. Shall I make some music now, or do you want to give me a call later? I wish it could be in person, but over the network, it will still work.

[am_i_a_monster]

I couldn't make amends.  I'm here and those other girls are gone.  Dead.  There's no positive things that can happen for them now.  [And Nicholas Boyle's dead too.]  I wish I could give them a second chance here.  I don't get why I did and they didn't.

It felt like the only solution.  I was so alone and sad and guilty. 

I don't know.  I must have done something wrong to bring that out in him.   Or there was something wrong with me that made him want to kill. If I knew what that was, I could have done it differently.  [She thinks she could have killed her father - shot him instead of the deer he forced her to hunt.  That's still killing.  Maybe it's a sin to think that too.  She can't bring herself to admit it out loud, especially not over a public communication.]  I guess I could have run away.  Or told the police.  I never fought.  I gave up my autonomy and integrity, my power, all because I was afraid of him and because I loved him.  Even with everything that happened, he was still my dad.  I felt like I didn't have choices then and after he died.  But maybe I was wrong.

I'll give you a call later, when I'm about to go to sleep.  That's when I'll need it the most.  [She's dreading her first night of dreams after returning from the dead.]

[so_dark_a_road]

Amends aren't always made directly to the dead, but to others who are in need of help and in a way, stand in for those you can't help now. That's the point of helping others who are still living. Part of the point, anyway. The rest is. . . just because there will always be people who need help, and you're there, whatever world you happen to be in. And second chances are not just for the dead, whether or not they can be returned to life. You can't choose who gets that kind of second chance. But you can choose whether you get a second chance or not.

I'm sorry you were alone here. I wish I could have been here to help you.

I'm guessing that what attracts Leo is any feeling of guilt and any involvement in a crime, whether that involvement was voluntary or not. [ If she had shot her father, it's true that it would be killing and would have a price associated with it. Killing always has that. But it's also true that it would have stopped her father from making anyone else a victim, and there would have been some good in that. ] We all do things for love and fear that we would not ordinarily do. And as I was saying, you were a child when all of that began, and you grew up believing you had no choices. I cannot believe you are to blame for that.

Yes, give me a call. I'll be waiting!