003✖; (voice)

[circumitus]

[Judging by the sound of her voice and the clunking of glass in the background, Rey has been drinking. Alone, no less. When that happens, she has a habit to get melancholy, and even more so now. Thanks, Sorrow.]

"So, let's get this straight.

"The goal in all of this, assuming that we have one to start with, is to bring all of these dead gods back to life so that they can work their asses to finally use that Door that brought us all here in the first place... to take us back to our own worlds. That is the mission, right?"

[Pause. Another clink of glass as she takes a shot. By then it's obvious that there's something off about the way she speaks. Devoid of the monotone and the robot exterior that she so often maintains in the presence of others. Now it's just too much work.]

"Not that it's supposed to be a bad thing. Am sure that some of you come from lovely worlds with minimal problems and actual lives to return to and whole prospects ahead of you. But where does that leave some of us?

"You know, the ones that don't have lives. People who are dead, or have nothing to go back to but a piece of metal rammed through your chest but you're not dead even though you'd probably be better off that way anyway because of your track record for only making things worse no matter how much good you try to do and..."

[...And Rey is digressing. That is also not something she wanted to actually say.

[In fact, none of these things she actually wanted to say.

[Realizing this, she cuts the feed with a muttered "fuck, never mind" at the end.]

Comments

[circumitus]

Because. Need to be feeling this.

[You can't hide from what you're feeling forever. Or, rather, you can, but you probably shouldn't. Not without risking everything from spilling over once it's reached the brim.]

[muscovy]

Why?

[Tilting his head, watching her attentively. He's the picture of active listening right now.]

[circumitus]

Because.

[She says it again like it's supposed to be all the answer she needs. If he can keep asking her the same question, she can give the same answer.

[But it's an act that she can't maintain any more than she can keep pushing her emotions down.

[Her shoulders sag.] This pain is justified. Have hurt a lot of people. It's only fair to feel hurt in return.

[muscovy]

Did you want to hurt them or did you have no good reason?

[Those seem to be two pretty crucial questions in this context. After all if you didn't want to (and were either forced or did it by accident) that won't make people less angry but it shifts the reason to blame yourself like this, and if you had a good reason to hurt them it becomes a whole different topic.]

[circumitus]

Both.

Sometimes it was about survival. Other times, innocent people ended up paying the price.

Have lost count of how many were killed... and however many more were affected.

[muscovy]

The price for what?

[If it is about survival, that generally sounds like a good reason to him. But Rey said 'both', so the second criterion, that she killed them because she wanted to and not because she was forced to, seems to be what relates to that 'price'. He wonders if it holds up equally badly as her first claim.]

wups i totally forgot to reply to this

[circumitus]

War. Violence.

[So in a way, it was about survival. Just a different kind. Part of her killed to survive and other parts of her did it because she enjoyed it.]

[muscovy]

That is always the case, though.

[War and violence will, more often than not, also impact farmers, craftspeople, children, old people, women, and all other kinds of non-combatants. Depending on the kind of violence, they might even be the specific target.]

[circumitus]

True. [She can see where he's getting at, but-] But it's different.

[Rey pauses, tempting to just leave it at that. Better than going into all of the gristly details of her past selves. But then she frowns, her shoulders slack, and she can't help but blurt:]

Enjoyed it sometimes. Hurting people. Killing things. Was not a very good person.

[muscovy]

[His brows furrow.]

Would you still enjoy it now?

[And, something that has always puzzled him:]

How can it be nice if they stop being lively?

[He understands hurting or killing people; sometimes it is just necessary, or you are forced to, or it just is the way of how things are. Or people get very angry or very sad and hurt or kill others or themselves because of that. But the part where people enjoy it has always been elusive to him, they were just never people that he could really ask about it. But now he can.]

[circumitus]

A little.

[She can't deny the fact that the killer instinct in her is what enjoys the kill. Much like all of her other older selves, she is as much that person who delighted in delivering pain to others as she is everyone else. The sad thing is, sometimes it was those instincts that helped Rey to survive for this long.

[Muscovy's query opens a whole new can of worms for Rey, though. She looks down at the soup bowl on the table, which she has ignored up until then. Her mouth tightens. It isn't a subject matter that she would want anyone who doesn't get it to understand.]

Some people just feel powerful when the life of another living thing is in their hands. That they get to decide who lives and who dies.

["Some people", though. Rey isn't necessarily claiming to be one of them. At least, not the Rey that she is now.]

[muscovy]

[He can see that; as in, he can see that people would think that, by how they act when they wreck havoc without a direct need. But that doesn't mean that he understands.]

But if the life of someone else is in their hands, wouldn't it be nicer to keep it?

You cannot do much with a corpse, but you can make someone who is in your power do what you want and to a degree become who you want them to be.

[circumitus]

No matter how much "nicer" it would seem, some people just take more pleasure in destroying life than controlling it.

[And some of Rey's old selves just happened to be among those people.]

[muscovy]

[It makes no sense, but then, some people just are that kind of silly. Luckily, it's a kind of silliness that can be dealt with very easily under normal circumstances. Either you do what seems to have been done with Rey, at least partly - put such tendencies to good use -, or you make them understand that they will be found out and bad things will happen to them if they act on their silliness. If they still act out, you can still execute them. The problem is that a lot of times stronger people don't care to deal with it, and that is when the real issue starts and they take it out on weaker people without stopping.]

Did you kill those people without or against orders?

[circumitus]

A bit of both, honestly.

[She scoffs despite herself.]

It's funny. One of the few versions of my old selves that wanted to hurt people the least ended up with the highest body count of all of us... them. All because of an act of foolish rebellion.

[Because she had gone against her orders, more people suffered than those by the blood-thirsty war mongers Rey had once been.]

[muscovy]

[Rebellion is never good. Even if you are rebelling for a good cause, it will only mean a lot of dead people and probably starvation after, and nothing will change except for things becoming worse for a while, if you are unlucky.]

Why did you rebel?

[circumitus]

[In Rey's case, rebelling did mean a lot of dead people. It's something neither she nor her past self is proud of, that much she can recall.]

Didn't see any other option. It was better than giving them what they wanted.

[Could you be any more vague?]

[muscovy]

[He doubts that, but there are a select few things that might justify rebellions. Usually, though, they just break out over issues that have been going on for decades or over a century, even - more a case of a good inducement rolling around than the reason being new.]

What did they want?

[circumitus]

Something dangerous. A weapon that no one had any business having.

[So Rey took it upon herself to make a choice, at the cost of her own life and the lives of thousands. Even if the end result was catastrophic, she is certain that it could've been much worse.]

[muscovy]

[Back home, he would have considered that statement silly. No weapon could be that kind of dangerous. Even a catapult loaded with bodies carrying pestilence could not have justified rebellion.

But then he came to the Drabwurld, and to the Tranquility, and now he can imagine weapons that could be destructive on a much larger scale and kill many more at once.]

Why did you need to rebel for them to not get it?

[circumitus]

Because, that weapon was a person. Someone who was scared, didn't want to die. But it was inevitable. Made sure that she went quick, painless. Figured it was better this way than to leave her to be used.

Too bad it didn't make a damned bit of difference.

[These weren't the actions of the Rey that she is now, but she sure does feel like it is. The guilt she carries is as much hers as it is her past self's.]

Too bad that this is before his encounter with Bucky

[muscovy]

How can a person be a weapon that dangerous?

[For all he can tell, Rey made a good decision there - sometimes what you have to do is neither what you want to do nor what you feel is right to do.]

[circumitus]

We were both created in a similar way, except she was an incubator for a massively destructive energy.

When she died, that energy transferred. Was not able to contain it the same way she did.

[And thus the Rey she was back then went boom, and the Rey now remembers every little detail of the unpleasant experience.]

[muscovy]

What happened then?

[Not being able to contain something usually mean that something terrible happens, and she's alluded to as much, but he would like to know the details of it.]

[circumitus]

It exploded.

[If she had it her way and it wouldn't have just led to more questions, Rey would have just left it at that. As it is, she can't help but feel that she needs to say these things to someone. Anyone. Doesn't matter who. Muscovy just happens to be asking the questions.]

Killed almost an entire civilian population. Others were wounded, sick, homeless, dying.

Was falling apart after. Could barely keep the body parts from falling off. Being killed was a mercy.

[One that she, as far as she is concerned, did not deserve. Because she is wicked.]