hadriel | Je me fous du passé

[The feed opens with Bianca. She stands in Delight's bar, the lighting rearranged to get as close as she can to the appearance of being on stage, and she glares into the camera and takes a large swig of the glass in her hand before she makes any sound.

Then she sings. Inside the bar, her voice is strong enough to rattle glasses.

People listening to the feed on the network may hear the familiar Lancastrian accent of Kate, grumbling almost inaudible complaints. Most of them seem to be along the lines of why did I agree to this and why did I give up booze.

The song ends and Bianca casts a grateful look at Kate before launching into speech.]

I have lived a long time, my friends. I am sorry for many things. I've been unforgivably careless of people's hearts and hopes. I've allied myself with the most treacherous of worms - I have trusted too much, cared too much, and -

[She stops.]

Or not cared enough. I have broken people for my own gain. I have sold myself to a power I knew to be malevolent, to buy my own life. I have tormented those I believed I loved, and abandoned those I know I did. Kate -

[She gazes, stricken, past the camera.]

I pulled you into this scheme. You almost died. Sharon and Maketh did die. I'm sorry, so sorry, for that.

[And then she lifts her chin, defiant.]

But I'm not sorry we made the attempt. I'm not sorry for taking a risk on the chance of buying all our freedom. Are you watching, Hope? Did you feel it, just when it started? The only real hope I've felt since coming here? I hoped so hard to end you.

I'm only sorry we failed.

[There's a brief resigned sigh from behind the camera as the feed goes out.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Did I say that? [ Spoiler: No. No she did not.

Although the latter isn't incorrect. ] Didn't go into this trying to kill anyone.

... Not even you. [ Apparently there was a very big part inside of her that wanted it to happen, though. ]

But that is what you ended up doing. Four people died because of this, at least two of them directly thanks to your actions. If I had died as well, they would not have come back. And yet you and your companion continue to blame me.

[ Maybe it's all the doing of Sorrow's resurrection, the urge to confess everything and the guilt that knots in her stomach. Perhaps it's talking with Sorrow before this entire night, where he spoke about Hope being stretched too thin to heal illness and injury-

Perhaps it's both. It's almost definitely both. ]

You're the easiest to blame. Not like Fear ever shows his face. [ She'd blame Fear if she'd seen him more than at the announcement of the dreams last month. ] And hope never worked out well for me. Even before I got here. [ The worst part? She had begun to think it was. Everything was going well. Good job, progress back home with all the political maneuvering that Faith was doing, a life that seemed free of Undergrounds and battling. Or at least far less heavy on both. ]

I know that your kind enjoy blaming me, but doing it to the extent that you wish to kill me seems... excessive.

[And not acting in their best interests, but he's given up on that.]

I don't think that any emotion is completely painless, not even delight. Is it that unpleasant for you?

[ That's... an interesting way of looking at it, if not something she quite understands or agrees with.

The feed seems to go dead for a few minutes, or it would if there wasn't still the sound of Kate's breath with each exhale. Fear and rage she can handle, in different ways, but all the same; delight is pleasant almost always, and sorrow... well, it's just part of life, isn't it?

Hope is uncontrollable for her. That's what is scariest about it. Kate can't stop herself from seeing the good outcomes no matter how much she tries to be realistic, no matter how much she tries to harden her heart, those little fantasies always worm their way into cracks and glow warm until they're extinguished without mercy.

Those little fantasies like Marc turning up in this place, because death apparently means nothing here, or the desire to blow open the roof and meet the sky for the first time in months - they all linger at the base of her spine like warm embers fighting to stay alive in a cold, dark room. ]

... You ever wanted something that you know you're never gonna get? Not impossible... not likely, either. [ Her tongue clicks against the roof of her mouth for a minute, a break in the sudden drawl of whatever she's aiming to say. ] You don't control if it happens, but you keep thinking - what if it does? [ That's why. It's the constant wanting, the days upon days where you wake up and feel something die inside of you again and again when you realise it's still out of your grasp, still a dream. ]

[He waits patiently for her response, and then he's silent for a few more moments, considering it.]

But if you didn't want things - if you didn't hope for things - what use would there be in living at all?

[ considering her recent actions, the only answer she can give - the same one she drunkenly shared with Shadow after a horrible day - seems so ironic that Kate laughs, a small, humourless broken little chuckle. ]

Don't think you'd believe me if I told you. [ But, with a sigh, she continues anyway. ] Other people. Keeping them safe and alive and where they're supposed to be. [ Kate... that is a type of hope. Really, darling. ]

[That is totally a type of hope. Humans are so weird.]

That is my reason as well.

[ humans have issues tbh pls educate. ]

... [ oh for fuck's sake they agree on something. ] Sorry. [ s i g h ] Look, can't say I'll ever be a fan of the emotion you need, but I didn't actually intend to try and kill you. [ or, really, have her nightmares roaming the streets of the city. ]

What was your intention, then? Your companion seems primarily concerned with killing me.

[ This she can answer, quite easily too. ] To find the door. Bust it open. [ The next part is said half-under her breath and after a minute. ] Clearly had the wrong idea. [ The wrong theory, the wrong understanding of Sharon's powers. Something that she should have seen and allowed for.

But she was too busy, too frantic with everything she was trying to do. ]

Edited (how do i type codes) 2016-07-09 08:35 (UTC)

I see. Well, if you manage to discover how to manipulate the door, please pass the information on.

[Because Hope has no idea, and never has. Can't blame the humans for trying.]

[ somehow - maybe because she's an idiot, probably because she's a stubborn asshole - it takes that to really... let it click that Hope, at least, has no more ideas than any of them do.

Maybe she's just more willing to listen in the face of such a massive backfire. ] ... Really do know as much as we do, don't you? [ Aka, nothing. ]

... Can't promise anything. [ because who is to say they ever will figure it out? Or that she even wants to try again right now? Or even if they do, that the door won't pull them away before they get the chance to share the info? ]Will try.

Yes.

[Simple and honest. He knows next to nothing about the Door, though he has been trying to take care of the creatures brought through it.]

Try to be careful. I will bring you back if you die, but I would prefer not to have to.

[ honestly, if the afterlife is real? if she could go back to hers, at least? THAT MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD... god what is with all the casual deathseekers in this game? ] I have no plans to die. [ kate that is usually a really bad thing to say. ] Too much to do.

Edited 2016-07-13 07:36 (UTC)

Good.

[He takes it at face value, of course.]

Then there should be no problem.

Je me fous du passé

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private

voice; private