fourth; video (trouble seldom sees what she leaves behind, there's a typhoon blowin')

[bekommen]

[Oddly enough, this broadcast doesn't seem to have anything wrong with it - just a video feed of Nick sitting slouched at Delight's bar with a half-empty glass in front of her, and it's clear from the slur of her words that it wasn't her first.]

Hey! Hadriel. All'a you. Listen, I got somethin' to say, if y'all can take five seconds to quit your shitposting and listen to someone else for a change.

[She pauses to take a sip of her drink and grins sharply into the camera.]

Shitposting - that's what you kids these days are callin' it, right? [She laughs.] See, Chris? Even Grandma here can pick up on the new hip lingo sometimes!

[There's something dark and unfriendly in her words, despite the too-tight smile stretched across her face. Nick waves her hand, a silent whatever. That isn't what she really wants to say.]

The point, dear Hadriel, is this: I hate you. All'a you. Yeah, Emily, that's right - you ain't anythin' special! 'Cause I hate everyone here. Y'all are the single worst thing that's ever happened to me, and believe me, that a fuckin' accomplishment and a half.

[Nick pauses again to take another drink, expression sharpening as the grin fades from her face.]

See, I thought the worst thing that ever happened to me was my dad dyin' when I was a kid. Shit, did that ever suck beyond the tellin' of it. And then, y'know, I thought havin' to live with my shitball mother for the next ten years, that was at least as bad, if not worse. But hey, I survived that. I had one friend in that shithole town I grew up in, an' we both survived it, together, an' we left that shithole town, together, and then after a buncha years of stickin' together in the city, you know what that fucker did?

[She laughs, a high-pitched, hysterical sound that's anything but funny.]

He fuckin' friend-broke up with me! Can you believe that shit? Man. Surely that was the worst thing to ever happen to me, right? But no - wait, it gets better.

[She leans in to the camera and drops her voice, conspiratorial, like she's divulging a secret - which she is.]

So I went on one of those great American roadtrips, right? And I ended up in fucking Canada. And hey, fuck Canada - right Chris? Because in fuckin' Canada, that's where I Became a Nightbane.

[Nick pulls both hands up for the camera in a silent, sarcastic ta-da gesture.]

That's right! Uh, what's your name - Dean, wasn't it? Yeah. Y'ain't gotta go crawlin' through the caves to find a monster, 'cause guess what? [She points at herself.] I'm sittin' right the fuck here.

[The grin reappears on her face, looking more like an angry baring of her teeth than a proper smile.]

So congratu-fuckin'-lations, Hadriel - that is what all you beat out for the honor of bein' the absolute fuckin' worst thing that's ever happened to me. Give yourselves a big fuckin' pat on the back. Cheers.

[Nick raises her glass in a mock-toast and throws back the rest of her drink, then reaches over to kill the feed. She'll definitely regret this in the morning, if not sooner.]

Comments

[bekommen]

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Chris.

[She laughs weakly, shaking her head.]

I've always been a monster. Becoming wasn't the start of that.

[thechoiceisyours]

You're only a monster if you decide to act like one.

[That part is clear to him at this point. Being inhuman doesn't make you a monster, and being human doesn't keep you from being one either.]

[bekommen]

[She stares up at him, eyes wide, lashes damp, expression strained from trying to cover up the pain of what she's feeling.]

I don't know how to be anything else.

[She does need help - more than even she knows - and she doesn't have the words to ask for it.]

[thechoiceisyours]

I-I dunno, you seem to be doing fine so far. Seem pretty human to me.

[He tries to offer a weak smile to go with it, but it doesn't come across very well. Still, his words are genuine.]

[bekommen]

[She laughs once, quietly, even as tears spring up in her eyes again.]

Yeah, I got the "being a huge fuckup" part down, don't I.

[And she drops her face into her hands again, sighing audibly.]

I don't know what to do anymore, Chris. I just don't.

[She takes a few uneven breaths and then pulls her face out of her hands again.]

Y'know, whenever things went to shit back in Chicago, I still had my jobs to work. In Vancouver, I had to learn shit about bein' a Nightbane. Here ...

[It's too much like being a child in Winchester again - aimless and stuck, without the ability to do anything about it. That changed when she became a teenager and had a goal - moving away - on the horizon, but here? There's no hope of leaving. She shrugs.]

All we do is sit around and wait for the next fucked-up thing to happen. I can't take it anymore.

[thechoiceisyours]

Hey, you're in good company at least, right?

[They're all kind of fuckups here, even more than people usually are. He gives a long, quiet breath at the same time as she sighs, beginning to calm down a bit more but deciding to stick his hands in his hoodie pocket to hide their trembling.

He's quiet while she speaks, listening even though his gaze is a little distant, and when she finishes he turns his attention to give her a serious look.]

I'm not gonna like... Say that's not true, because it kind of is. We can't do anything about um... Whatever the gods decide to do.

[And he really hates that, not just actively but on a subconscious level he isn't even aware of. Being helpless to do much but wait to react to the next awful thing he knows is coming at some point is really bad for him, especially after everything that happened at home.

Still, even if they can't do much about the gods, that doesn't mean they can't do anything.]

But that isn't... That isn't the only thing to do. I-I mean, we can't just make the gods not do whatever, but in the time in between we've got a choice, even if it's doing something as simple as making coffee or sewing or helping at the clinic or whatever. You've just got to find something you can focus on, so that whatever the gods do is a distraction instead of your whole life.

[It's the only thing that's working for him at all, even if it's nowhere near a perfect solution. But it's better than just waiting and dreading, by a long shot.]

[bekommen]

[It's not a bad suggestion. It's what she's often turned to in times of emotional distress, in fact - a distraction. Music and books to lose herself in, cigarettes to smoke, alcohol to drink so she'll feel something different. But books and music and cigarettes aren't available here, and alcohol just isn't doing the trick anymore, as evidenced by this meltdown.]

What do I do if I'm not good at anything? 'Cause I'm not. Nothin' 'cept fucking everything up, at least.

[thechoiceisyours]

T-Then pick something you're not good at. I don't know if anyone here's really... Y-You know, really good at what they're doing, but they're doing it because it needs to happen.

[Whether for themselves or for other people.]

I mean, I'd never made coffee for anyone but myself, and I don't think Emily knew how to sew much, a-and isn't the guy running the clinic not a medical doctor? You just... Do something.

[bekommen]

[Something about the amount of alcohol she's ingested makes everything Chris says ring incredibly sharp and true, to the point where she feels full to bursting with the realization. All of the people who have been brought here are a ragtag bunch of misfits, and it's absurd that she's been here for months and never once realized it until now. She breaks into a loud, hard laugh, but it's a sound of genuine amusement this time, or at least the closest thing possible in her current state.]

Jesus. We're all completely fucked, aren't we.

[thechoiceisyours]

[Okay, is she... Actually laughing? Genuinely? He gives another quiet sigh of relief, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth when he responds to her comment.]

Super fucked, in both the 'up' and 'over' varieties.

[bekommen]

[Somehow, being able to laugh about it all makes it feel a little less catastrophic. She continues giggling for a few more moments before rubbing her hands over her face.]

I feel like shit. Guess I should go sleep it off or somethin'.

[But she definitely has the feeling that things are going to be OK - not great, but tolerable.]

[thechoiceisyours]

Yeah. That's um... That sounds like a good idea. And drink like, a whole liter of water.

[That hangover is gonna be massive otherwise. But sleeping it off sounds like a plan; even though Chris hasn't been drinking himself he thinks he's going to do the same.]

[bekommen]

Hey now - none of that metric bullshit. That's how they talk in Canada.

[And fuck Canada. Drunk or sober, Nick's opinion of Canada doesn't change. She grins.]

[thechoiceisyours]

Liquids are totally measured by liter in the US, Nick.

[It's said with a small grin, even if the expression is still slightly shaky.]

[bekommen]

Yeah, but only in like, bottles of soda. And it's always just two liters. That's stupid.

[thechoiceisyours]

Um, wrong. One liter bottles are great. They're like, the perfect amount of soda.

[Mostly in terms of being the right amount for a night's worth of rum and cokes but whatever.]

[bekommen]

Where the fuck do you find those? In Canada?

[thechoiceisyours]

Nah, but somewhere almost as terrifying: a gas station.

[bekommen]

Oh, for fuck's sake, we got gas stations in Chicago. We even got 'em in Kansas, believe it or not.

[thechoiceisyours]

There's nothing like the gas stations in Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure the one near me used to be a mall or something.

[He's hugely exaggerating, of course, but it's still a pretty ridiculous gas station. And now that he's pretty confident that he isn't shaking anymore he rises to his feet, holding a hand out to help Nick up if she wants it.]

You should um, get to your sleeping it off plan, I think.

[bekommen]

Yeah ... you're prob'ly right.

[She does feel awfully tired. With a nod, she accepts the help up to her feet.]

Thanks, Chris.