Castiel; The Fallen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
strangelic) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
hadriel2016-08-05 05:07 pm
strangelic) wrote in hadriel2016-08-05 05:07 pm
video;
I want to--Um...
I feel like life would be improved here if we all played more games, and... [ Kate, why are you making him do this? ] I-I wanted to ask if anyone else had any games that they could teach us. Party games, this time, not card games. Like Twister.
[ He glances off screen cautiously, then looks back, trying to seem more courageous on the subject than he is. ]
Kate thinks that life here would be much improved if we all played more together, and I have to agree with her. Play is important...for the well being of people, especially those who don't have anything else to occupy their time.
So...that is to say, if we could organize a...party, I suppose, everyone would be invited. We could hold it at the bar.
[ Yep, that's it. ]
I feel like life would be improved here if we all played more games, and... [ Kate, why are you making him do this? ] I-I wanted to ask if anyone else had any games that they could teach us. Party games, this time, not card games. Like Twister.
[ He glances off screen cautiously, then looks back, trying to seem more courageous on the subject than he is. ]
Kate thinks that life here would be much improved if we all played more together, and I have to agree with her. Play is important...for the well being of people, especially those who don't have anything else to occupy their time.
So...that is to say, if we could organize a...party, I suppose, everyone would be invited. We could hold it at the bar.
[ Yep, that's it. ]
action;
[ He had already helped enough. More than enough. More than he ever should have, helped with the booze and the meditating and everything and more.
Cas should have abandoned him long ago, given up and thrown away what tangled mess had been left in his care and yet he was still pushing forward all over again and Dean all but stumbled back out of the space that had been stepped into. There had been breathing room between them and now even that was gone and Dean was sure he was suffocating, his jaw set painfully hard. ]
We leave this alone.
[ Because Dean didn't know what else to do, what else to say, what he could possibly give that would solve a single thing. And right now? That seemed like the only option: to abandon it all and throw himself away in the process. ]
action;
He stared hopelessly at Dean, sadly, and shook his head. ]
You said that I...that I'm enough for you. If that's true then "this" isn't something that we can abandon. It's a part of us. This is what we are. As friends, as brothers, as... [ He trailed off. ] I need you, and you need me. I can just be enough, I don't have to be anything else. I don't want to...
I know you're angry. I know you're afraid. But I need your help, Dean. If this is going to be made right, I need you to play your part in it, because I...I don't know what to do.
action;
He wanted to run, to push Cas away and pound the dirt beneath his feet until he'd left his shadows clinging to the heels of his boots, and yet he couldn't move. There was too much fear in it, and Dean found himself soaked in his own terror, in Cas' own assessment of what they were. Because while he was right, Dean just couldn't, he couldn't do it. He couldn't let himself feel what needed to be felt, and he didn't know where to find the happy medium. He swayed one way or the other, never in between and yet now he'd stumbled down the wrong path, only to find himself looking up at the same face he always dreamed on. ]
You think I do? You think i've got a clue? Cas, I don't- [ He shook his head and stared back towards the books, where he'd somehow hoped he'd find answers, a clue to something. ] You already know what you mean to me.
action;
[ Well, that was mostly true, but he hadn't known... He hadn't known the specifics. Not the kind of love, specifically, and what it meant to Dean, and his fear--his terror. Castiel didn't know how to help, and he didn't have the answers, and he couldn't even sort himself out emotionally, nevermind had any idea how to approach it in Dean.
But he had to, because Dean wasn't; because Dean didn't know how, and he was struggling with other things, and what had started as a way of helping had just turned into another problem. It was Castiel's responsibility to fix it, fix him, help him. ]
That's why I know that you want to fix this; that we need a solution. Because I can't leave you, but you're not making it easy for me to stay.
action;
[ He says it fast, lightening speed, because just get the leaving over with. Just get it the hell over with already, it's going to happen anyway, isn't it? Cas would die, would go, would never return - something would happen, hasn't that always been obvious? And Dean knows Cas isn't being cruel, he's being realistic, and so Dean is offering him his way out, his speedy release, Dean flinging his arm wide to represent just what more the world has to offer than whatever he is anymore.
Because loss is a thing that Dean knows well and it's barreling down the path no matter which way he looks at it. Cas will go, just like everyone goes, and there's nothing Dean can do to keep him here. ]
action;
[ God, he's so broken. So broken. Castiel stares helplessly at Dean, not knowing how to address the agony he's being shown. It's easier, that's what this is about. Looking inward is so hard, and Dean wants him to go because it would be easier.
No, Dean is making it hard to stay, but there's still no choice there. Even if there was somewhere else to go, they're physically wound together, bound into one.
Castiel winds his hands into his coat, digging his nails tightly into the fabric. ]
I will never leave you. You can make it--you can make it as hard as you like. you can instruct me to leave, give me no choice, but I will never go of my own free will. Never. Do you understand? I will go for you, I will go if that's what you want, if you paint sigils on the walls to keep me out, but that's-- [ His voice shook. ] --that's what it would take. That's what it would take to get rid of me, and I won't let you.
action;
But as badly as Dean doesn't want Cas to leave, just as badly as he wouldn't want Sam to go, Dean can't help but think that it's bound to happen despite his best efforts to the contrary. He can fight tooth and nail, dig in fingers and peel back bone, cling harder and faster than anything that has come before, and Cas will still go.
Because everyone goes. And it is always worth the effort to fight, but isn't it worth just as much to let Cas be free, to let him roam where he may?
Except Cas' words strike him down, hard and fast, and he looks away, his face burning hot and pained against the blatant spark of them. They're impossible to avoid, the way they carve into his chest and leave him hollowed out, unable to anticipate the warmth of what they're giving, of the offering they've made. Cas is here for him, has been since the very first moment, and he knows nothing can break these bonds between them. Nothing can unwind the ties that have sealed their fates, entwined the limbs of their souls from Hell and back, from soul to skin, and Dean cannot run no matter how hard he pushes. He might be terrified but Cas is in the right and Dean swallows hard, looking back.
It doesn't help in the slightest that he's sent Cas away before, apologized for it but done it all the same and Dean doesn't want it. Dean wants him here, wants him with him, and yet knows he keeps fucking it all up, no matter what he tries. ]
Dammit, i'm not banishing you. That's not what i'm- [ Dean rubbed his eyes, gaze searching across the expanse of the library, helpless and hopeless and searching for release. ] It's not what I want.
action;
[ He said the word before he really sank into thought about what it would mean, because establishing that fact, making it the ground rules that they were inseparable, and even if they weren't that it isn't what Castiel wants from Dean - to be apart from him - nor what Dean wants from him--that's going to make anything that they build on it easier.
Hard, always hard, but easier. He holds Dean's gaze when he's finally looked back at, and his eyes are hard instead of longing, instead of mellow and guiltridden; they don't show the fear he feels, or the uncertainty, because Dean doesn't need to see it right now. He needs to see the fighter, the angel who had stood in that cave and faced down a Wraith, the one who had stood up to archangels knowing he would be ripped apart. This is a fight, and Castiel is prepared to put his all into it to make it right, to make it work.
He squares his shoulders slightly more, digs his heels into the tile beneath him. ]
You and I are friends, aren't we? If we are nothing else, then we will always be that to each other. Always. No failure on our part will ever change that. The...the things I did, you've forgiven me for them, and they were worse than I can ever imagine. The betrayal I wrought on you, what I did to Sam, and my brothers and sisters, and on Heaven; the way I sullied myself. I thought that there could never be a way back from that, but you forgave me. You released me.
If you can still look at me after that, look me right in the eye, still call me brother, then I know that this... No matter what it is or may be, or perhaps isn't--it will not break us. You and I-- [ He reached out, and squeezed Dean's shoulders in his hands. ] --we can't be torn apart.
[ He dropped his hands again, not daring to hold on to Dean for too long. ]
We're brothers, Dean. We're friends. We can...we can appear in public together. We can exist in the same space without it having to be uncomfortable. It can be the same, if you just let it. If you just put the last few days in the past, the way that you--that you put the Leviathan in the past.
Please don't be angry with me for trying. Don't be angry with yourself; no single part of this is your fault.
action;
It made it easier to breathe. It took the soft edges out of the moment and made them rough and tumble the way Dean knew, except--
Except the words were not easy.
The words were laced with too much to bear and Dean looked away, stared at anything else because he was terrified. Every moment was a terror and this was of the worst kind, the kind where he hated himself for feeling a single thing, for not knowing or understanding or being able to comprehend where he stood against Cas any longer. He wanted to go for a walk, wanted to return to hunting through the books, wanted to shield himself behind a wall of I don't care, but it was too late for that because Cas kept pounding him down with words until he was nothing but a pile of rubble.
All he wanted to do was put up a hand and say enough. Please. Please, just let him walk away. Let him breathe, give him a second to catch up, let him chase his own feelings down instead of hounding them away and maybe he could get there. But like this it was too overwhelming, too terrifying, the world crumbling down in a way he only knew how to face it when the apocalypse was streaming across the sky and his worries were not faced upon himself. ]
I'm not mad at you. For anything. For any of this, for- [ He took a stuttered breath, words curling behind his tongue. Because he didn't know what to do and he just couldn't say it, couldn't say that he was furious with himself for everything and he hadn't been able to change that for years. ]
I am trying, Cas.
[ But he just didn't know how much harder he could before he might burst. Especially when his next words weren't so much lies as they were desperate attempts to convince himself that he truly had. ] I've stowed it, okay? It's gone- in the past. Don't worry about it, right?
action;
They'd opened a door, and everything was pushing against the other side of it. All they were doing, now, was shoving a heavy dresser up against it and hoping that the truth wouldn't get through. Castiel knew that, and if what Lucifer had told him was true... No, it couldn't be. He shook his head ever so slightly, denying it even now. Dean was in too much agony for it to be true.
He stepped back, and gestured for Dean to come with him. ]
Let's put everything back where it was. Come on.
action;
But at least he backed off for now.
At least there was that.
Dean remained stoically broken, his expression falling nervously flat, edgy and still torrentously upset. He wanted to storm out, wanted to give himself room, but instead he made his way closer, picking up a book along the way and tossing it in his palm. If he wasn't going to storm out then this would have to do for now, and he flipped open the pages, ruffling through even more alien language. ]
Sure.