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[ She won't show her face, won't use her voice. Not when she's having a difficult enough time keeping her emotions in check. Cecily badly wants to keep this event from lending more power to Hadriel's gods, but Rage and Sorrow are getting a lot of power from the Inquisitor today, despite that. ]

Cullen Rutherford has disappeared. His mabari hasn't been able to find him in days. I can only assume he has gone home, at least for the time being. I also vanished and returned, so he may do the same.

[ Not that she can bring herself to have much hope along that vein. ]

If anyone has heard from or seen him, I beg you to correct me. Additionally, if there is anyone who has the ability to nullify magical abilities, I will need your help, since Cullen has gone.

[ There isn't much else to say, not in the public sphere. Not when his wedding band that she'd obtained from Delight is burning in her hand, pressed tight against the skin of her palm. ]

Finally, if anyone saw his last message and was wondering: the dog is well again. Sincerely, Inquisitor Trevelyan

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[ Later, she realizes that there is no one left who remembers her from Thedas. The first Dorian - her Dorian - vanished. Then Blackwall. Then Cullen. Now, those left, though they're counted among her friends, have no memory of her.

It's an isolating feeling. ]

Searching. [ If she's somewhere unsafe, he'll promptly inform her that she's being stupid, and if she's somewhere else, he'll provide company. She isn't completely sure that she can keep herself together in front of them just yet. ]

I've got two hands again. I'll be just fine.

[ Physically. ]

I'm not fetching you home like a child, Cecily.

[There's a long pause between the messages. He doesn't like talking about it, but he will]

I've been through this before. I have wine, an ear and a shoulder, and a supply of handkerchiefs.

[And if any of those things will help, he will gladly lend them all.]

Edited (Remembered to close my tags... that I hadn't opened in the first place) 2016-10-03 22:50 (UTC)

[ They'll all say the same, she knows. Her friends. They'll reach out and won't stop until she gives in.

Today, she's too tired to be stubborn. ]

All right. Can we meet in the library?

[That's what friends are for, hate to break it to you, Cecily]

I'll meet you there.

[And he will, right inside the entrance so he can make sure he sees her when she gets there. Make sure she's not alone for any longer than he can. He has a sack over his shoulder that makes the distinctive sort of clink of glass bottles full of liquid. He didn't bother with glasses, he doubts they'll need them.]

[He knows they haven't know each other long, they've talked yes, but there are things he's holding back and he's sure things that she's holding back. But he wants to help. He knows how much this hurts, and she shouldn't have to face it alone.]

[He offers her his arm when she steps inside, drawing her into a hug if she seems accepting of it. If not, he's more than fine to let it drop]

Let's find a quiet corner, shall we?

[ Oh, she knows, but that doesn't stop her being pig-headed, sometimes.

When she does get there, he's waiting. She doesn't try and produce a smile, and only eyes the bag at his shoulder, not quite making eye contact. Cecily has never been very good with sentiment, but this is... much more trying than her day-to-day in Hadriel, or even in Skyhold. ]

All right. [ She takes his arm if only for the physical reassurance and walks with him to a place she'd often found Dorian in his previous incarnation, lounging, drinking, and reading. When they get there she stops, releasing his arm, seemingly withdrawing a little into herself. ]

Fuck this. [ The Inquisitor bursts after a silence. ] We all go through so much here already, but to have - the people that we care about taken without any warning...

[ Cullen is likely safe and happy back in Thedas, and that's a comfort, but only a small one. In this moment, her own grief is too strong to ignore. ]

[Strangely enough, it's a nook he'd found before when he'd first been pointed to the library. It had felt right, homey almost, a bit like his nook back at Skyhold.]

[He's silent, waiting for her to speak first, or for enough silence to pass that he feels like he's not going to interrupt, try to make it about himself.]

[He doesn't have to wait long at least, nodding in agreement]

It feels like we're all just playthings to them, toys brought out for their amusement, only to be put away when they're done with us.

[He thinks of Eli, of Bull, of Cullen, of Abel, of all the friends he'd made and treasured, taken off a shelf for awhile, only to be put back again, with callous disregard for the happiness and well-being of those left behind on the proverbial floor]

[he sets the bag down on the floor next to one of the chairs, carefully sitting on the arm]

Do you want to talk about him some more, or should I open the wine first?

[Because sometimes these things needed some alcohol to get started. And he knows he needs it.]

[ There is so much she... is thinking, about Cullen, about her time in Hadriel with him, but she just shakes her head mutely, an indication that the wine should come first. She may not feel up to sharing what's in her mind later, either, but now is definitely not far enough along for her to feel comfortable. ]

Wine. Please. [ Cecily mutters, looking almost guiltily at Dorian. After a pause, she adds: ] I can't promise I'll be very pleasant company. I may be downright miserable.

[ It's how she feels, anyway. Best to be honest with him. ]

[He pats the seat next to him and pulls out one of the bottles]

Here we are, a fine wine from Maker-only-knows-where from the year Who Cares. Excellent vintage.

[He's an expert at opening wine bottles by now, and has one bottle open for each of them in just a few moments]

Really, I would be rather worried if you were anything but miserable. It took me a month hiding in a bottle before I felt like being the slightest bit pleasant with anyone when this happened to me.

[he hands her one of the bottles]

I am not here expecting you to be pleasant company. I am definitely not expecting you to be sober company.

[he takes a drink of his own wine bottle]

I'm here so you can cry and rant and curse the fate that made this happen and have someone help you stumble back to your bed when you're done for the night and make sure you eat the next morning.

Edited 2016-10-12 01:59 (UTC)

[ In nearly any other situation, Cecily would laugh at the quip about the wine and would add a comment of her own. For now, though, she takes the bottle, mind fuzzy with grief. ]

This happened to you? [ She asks finally, eyeing him with an almost guilty glance. ] ... I didn't know.

[ Would that she could prevent this kind of pain from reaching any of her friends. She opens the bottle and takes a long sip from it. ]

Dorian, if he came back - If he didn't know me -

[ It might be the tug that finally undoes the fabled Inquisitor. ]

It did.

[He takes a pull from his bottle, he's never actually told the whole story like this. But he thinks at the least Cecily needs to know that she's not alone]

In my reality, my Thedas, my Inquisitor is one Mahanon Lavellan. Wonderful elf, an amazing temper... and his ah, vhenan as they call it, is the Iron Bull. [he smiles, but it's a sad one] They're amazing together, really. Bull provides a perfect temper for him, they're very happy.

[he takes a breath]

Well, the first time I was pulled away from my world was to a place called Eros. And the Iron Bull was there, an Iron Bull that had never known a Mahanon Lavellan, whose Inquisitor was someone completely different.

We... became close. I never asked for anything else other than companionship, and he knew better than to ask it of me. We had a nice little arrangement, myself and him and Eliana Lavellan, all together in a flat, with my cat, and his dragons, and her halla.

[He licks his lips, takes another pull at the bottle]

But I loved him, so much that it frightened me. Never said it, but I felt it, and he knew... [He laughed, but it's bitter] Can you imagine, me, domestic? Keeping house with the Iron Bull?

[The silence is longer then, oh it hurts, it hurts to think about what he had, what he misses, all the things he never said or did because there was always tomorrow]

Anyway. They were amazingly happy months. But months were all they were. I woke up one morning and they were gone. Both of them. I was in an empty apartment with three very distressed baby dragons and an equally distressed halla fawn and... all I wanted to do was drink.

[As if to demonstrate, he did just that again]

If... if he does come back, he probably won't. I have met three different Cullens while being jerked around like a fish on a line. They knew me, but not me, they were none of them the Cullen that I personally knew.

If he comes back, and he is not yours, it will hurt. I... wish I could say anything better than that. But you will have yours, when this is all done, you'll go home and it will be your Cullen waiting for you. You have to remember that.

[We're not going to talk about what Dorian is going to go home to, this is Cecily's pity party, not his]

[ Cecily swallows, heart pounding. She listens in silence, dark eyes widened just a little, lips parted in curious wonder. ]

I thought - [ She looks at him, as if asking permission, and then continues. ] ... I thought there was always something between you and Bull. I haven't been sure of anything, but you've gotten close since you met. In my world, I mean, but - Dorian, I'm so sorry.

[ No one should have to feel that loss. It had nearly destroyed her. ]

If I go back, then I forget you. [ She says finally, with a bittersweet smile. ] I forgot you and Cole and Leliana, the ones here who... accepted me despite my not being the Inquisitor you all remember.

[ It's an awful trade. In her own world, they will be different people entirely. ]

It's selfish to want it all. [ Cecily mutters ruefully. ] But... I do. For all of us. If you can have your Inquisitor here, and Iron Bull, too, then I wish that for you. More than anything.

[ Were it only within her power to give them back to him. ]

[Dorian really needs to stop feeling so much jealousy of other versions of himself. He'd never asked if these other versions of himself had ended up with Bull, had never thought to... alright that was a lie, he had thought it, but he hadn't asked because, sometimes, he was a coward.]

[So he simply takes another drink from the bottle and sighs when he learns that Cecily's Dorian was, if not happily domestic with the Iron Bull, that he was at least with him. In some way, form, or fashion.]

[So instead he wags a finger at her, smiling because fuck it hurts but no you don't, Lady Trevelyan]

Now, I did not bring you here so you could feel sorry for me. I spend enough time doing that on my own, thank you very much, no need for an amateur to come in and try to play catch up.

[He'd told her his story so that she wouldn't feel so alone in her pain. But he has to admit, it feels good to know that she cares so much.]

[He nods]

It's strange, because I hate this whole business. Being pulled from place to place without having any say in the matter, subjected to the whims of whatever being happens to want me wherever it is that I've ended up. But... I'll be sad to forget it all as well.

[He sounds thoughtful, almost like he's speaking to himself]

I used to think that it was best to be at least a little cautious. Not... put yourself out there, not risk being hurt. But really, if you've only got a month or two, why not? It hurts, Maker it hurts but... I think the regret hurts more.

[He doesn't regret any of the time he'd spent with Bull. He regrets all the things he hadn't said, hadn't done. The things he'd been too afraid to try.]

Amateur? [ She can't help but utter a little laugh, smiling sideways at him. ] Fine, you go on and feel sorry for yourself, I'll drink for the both of us and... be completely without emotion, thanks.

[ Maker, as if. Dorian is still one of her closest friends whether he remembers her or not. ]

You've got them in your memory. There's always a chance you be with them again someday. [ There's an almost uncomfortable pause. ] I'm not... very good with sentiment, but stranger things have happened. In our lives they happen all the time. I would be more surprised if you never saw them again.

[ Cecily is sincere, at least. ]

What is it you regret?

No no, see you feel sorry for yourself, I'll feel sorry for myself, and we will both drink enough for the both of us. I think that will work out best.

[He doesn't say anything, doesn't want to spit on her trying to be hopeful, he's not quite drunk and depressed enough to do that yet. Give him another bottle or two and he might. He's been pulled all over, and he highly doubts they're going to show up again. He'd dearly love to be proven wrong, but he's also done his mourning. Having them back would be wonderful, but it would make it hurt even more when they were inevitably taken from him again.]

[It's a long moment before he answers, licking his lips and leaning back in the chair]

I never told him I loved him. Never said that I wanted anything more than what we had. At the time I thought it for the best, neither of us were in much of a position for anything like a committed relationship but... it would have been nice to put a name to it. A horrendously bad idea. But nice.

[He hasn't told Cecily precisely what he had been doing to get along in Eros, what all of them had been doing. When you were a whore, it put rather a crimp in what most people would consider a committed relationship. Not that he had loved him any less, been any less in love with him or committed to him. But he had never said the words, and that bothered him still.]

Fair enough. [ She's feeling a bit sorry for them both, now, honestly. ] I trust the wine will see us through this.

[ In one piece, hopefully. ]

If you thought it was for the best, then you're hardly at fault. [ Cecily says after a pause, frowning a little. ] You had no idea he would vanish just as I didn't. It's impossible to treat every day as if you might be separated on the next... and unhealthy, besides.

[ That's no way to live. ]

You know how you felt about him. You have to hold onto that, and... believe that one day, you two will cross paths again. That you'll do that and remember your shared experiences. If you can't hope, then what can you do?

[ Says the pot to the kettle. Still, she means it in earnest. ]

Dorian, you may not believe it, and I realize I sound like a bloody idiot, but it's true that... I really do believe you two will find each other again.

It has yet to fail me.

[Well, there were always the hangovers, but that was solved with some water, and some food, and with whatever passed for elfroot in that particular area. He was still in one piece after]

[He sighed]

I was never sure it was the best. I... [And oh this takes a moment to get out] I was a coward though, thinking that it would hurt less that way.

But, I suppose one can hope.

[He takes another long drink from the bottle]

I do hope I can be as hopeful as you though. Though I doubt that day is today.

One can hope. [ She agrees, brows lifting. Does he hope, though? It's difficult to do in these situations, as the Inquisitor herself feels keenly. ] There's no rush for you to believe in that, though.

[ It's hard for her to hope right now, herself. ]

At the very least, we've got each other's company. That's more than enough, you'll see.

[Dorian's really not sure what he hopes for right now, other than perhaps more wine.]

[He raises the bottle, biting back the comment that almost slips out, because she doesn't need to think about how long that might last, or hear about his certainty that either she will leave or he will leave eventually. There was a time limit on every single relationship of course, that was built into being mortal. But they seemed much more pressing in places like this.]

Well, in that case, to company. Excellent, and hopefully not sober for much longer, company.

[He takes a long drink, because they are not lounging in this library to stay sober, Lady Trevelyan. They are here to get stinking drunk]

To company. [ She nods, then drinks; he's right in his thinking that if they aren't imbibing at the moment, then they aren't doing this correctly. ] To intoxicated company before long, I hope.

[ Cecily imagines that he feels similarly. The Inquisitor takes another long sip, savoring it, letting the fuzzy warmth seep through her blood. ]

Mm. [ There's a long, drawn-out sigh. ] Maker, I needed that. This.

[Dorian is definitely all for intoxicated company, that was the whole point of this little venture. So he drinks, a good long swallow and sighs as he relaxes in the chair next to Cecily.]

I think we all do, some more often than others. It's good to have someone to drink with, drinking alone is never as much fun.

[It was also something that drunks and depressing people did. And he was neither of those. Nope.]

Of course not. Unless you're meaning to be miserable alone, in which case you can only do it without anyone else.

[ She's certainly done that one before. ]

Still not fun, of course.

And really, that is a thing to be avoided at all costs.

[Even if he understood the need to be alone with your misery sometimes, he wouldn't ever recommend it.]

[He leans back, crossing his legs as he so often did back home, staring up at the ceiling for a long moment]

I am glad to have met you. I'm sure my counterpart was as well.

[Back home he might have worried about manipulation, but here... well not so much.]

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want to wrap up?

Sure! Sorry for the delay, OTL