hadriel | video;

Um... I'm Castiel. Some of you know me, obviously. I sometimes show myself at the clinic--I'm a healer. Well. [ He looks down into his lap. ] I try to be. The ailment that so badly hit us last month was beyond my ability to remedy, and for that I am deeply sorry.

However if there is anything, any scrape, any...broken leg, or incurable sickness... I should be able to resolve it. Should be. Given the state of my powers here, it does seem to be a game of chance. But I have healed far worse in the past. It's better, surely, to let me try than to live with pain and scarring when I might help with both.

But that isn't what I was here to say, not really. I wanted to... I want to...

I haven't been very clear, and I feel that it's important, given the way things were, and the way things will likely be again. I hear you, all of you, when you turn to prayer. It's impossible to avoid, and while I understand that it is private... I just wanted to apologize, either way.

[ ooc: Castiel doesn't hear all character's prayers since you can opt out of that on his permissions post, however! It's a fun way to make new CR with him if you're interested; just drop him a prayer in his IC inbox! ]

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[ He doesn't answer the first question, at least not at once. Instead he merely folds the cloth, so as to use the last of it to make sure the blood tears are gone. They disturb him, a little.

He's ready for the second question, though. ]

Sam and Jo. Dean. I doubt that you are as bad a companion as you claim to be. Perhaps you're tired of telling your stories, but others would like to hear them. And you never know, you may learn something new. Of angels, for example.

[ He rocked back, and away, and his eyes drifted first to the floor and then up to the window. He hadn't answered the question, not because he didn't have an answer, but because it demanded gravity. ]

I was proud, and arrogant. I brought back a man who gave his life and his body to save the world, but I wasn't strong enough to put back his broken soul. I used my friends to try to forward my own agenda. I thought that I could singlehandedly stabilize Heaven, and destroy an archangel gone mad with the desire to end the world. I let in monsters from Purgatory, who would have eaten the world, and through me they murdered my brothers and sisters, most of the number that the war against Lucifer had left. And they used my hands to kill people--thousands of innocent people, and made me believe that it was my will; God's will.

[ He still wasn't at peace with it, but every time he spoke about it, it crept somewhat closer. He looked back toward the vampire. ]

But worse than all of that, I lied to my friends, and I refused, when they asked me to stop; when they tried to save me.

[ In that moment Armand realized that he had a very narrow world view on what was sin and what wasn't. All his own transgressions seemed childish and small compared to what Castiel was describing.

Armand made a motion as if to take Castiel's arm, some sort of comforting gesture. But he thought better of it and let it fall in the air. ]

But you did this because you thought that this was true and right? Did they forgive you? I would have.

[ Pure, blind, zeal. ]

[ Castiel has only learned since his arrival in Hadriel that casual touching is okay. You see the thing is, he's spent so long with just Sam and Dean, both of them just as standoffish as they were taught to be with guys by their father, that Cas' world view had been slanted towards keeping his hands to himself. It seemed odd, but now, ever since he and Dean had fallen in close with each other, he's learned something very different. He's learned a heartfelt acre of sentiment can be shared in just a touch, a look, or a nudge against his side, and those touches are all a treasure to him.

So he doesn't miss when Armand tries to comfort him, although he does regret that he doesn't feel that it would be appropriate. After a moment of genuine consideration on the thing, he takes the straying hand in both of his own, and just holds it. ]

They did forgive me, eventually. But I still feel it. It is a weight of regret that guides me, as I try to do better by the world--and by them.

Sin is not the end of the line. It is what you do with yourself, when you have gained that knowledge, whether you repeat your mistakes knowingly, ignore your own past, or learn by it...that's what is important. I hope it is, anyway.

[ Armand looks genuinely confused as his hand is held, but then a small, boyish, shy small splits his face. This is much a blessing as the healing. He shared kisses with Sybelle and Benji but it was always him in control, the obvious powerhouse granting love on to his frail and delicate children. To be at the receiving end of such affection is everything he's ever wanted. ]

I know such a weight. I felt it for a very long time. Sometimes I wondered if it would endure as long as I would.

[ He thinks on this. He is a violent creature. He has a hard time changing his ways. But he thinks once he cut ties to the cult that brainwashed him a lot of his sin disappeared. ]

That is a reassuring thought. I wish to be a better person.

[ His lips quirk into a self-deprecating smile. ]

A better vampire.

And yet it is wholly yours. Individually yours. You would not be who you believe you are without it, nor shedding it remain so.

[ It is the pain itself that is the blessing, and the place to start, something to hold on to. Castiel has understood that, perhaps he can guide him on his way.

Vampire or not. ]

You can be. I am certain of it.

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if this is too late just ignore, I'm so sorry ;;

It's all good! I am the happiest slowpoke anyway~

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