hadriel | [video]

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Howdy, everyone! Um, my name is Asriel. And I couldn't help but notice... I think we have new people showing up again? So I thought... well, I had an idea!

[He scuffles around a bit, clumsily adjusting the camera, and holds up a fistful of crayons. Black, blue, yellow, red, and half of a broken purple. Truly a magnificent rainbow this kid has scrounged up.]

Maybe we could make little badges? Or nametags? Something that says "I'm new and I might need help." And maybe people who wanted to help could... I don't know, wear "guide" badges? Nobody has to, I just figured... it's kind of scary when you first come here, right? Maybe it'd make settling in easier! And you wouldn't have to worry, because I'm really great at drawing, and I've got lots of paper and tape. I can make the badges all by myself!

...Um, but maybe try not to get them wet. I don't know how to get plastic, so it's just... paper.

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Heh. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about 'em too, but...that ain't why I'm asking.

[Gosh darn it, giving a fuck is hard business and he would like to burn this contract right now. Only, uh, he can't. Once you care, you're kinda...stuck like that, huh?

Fantastic.]

Can't've been easy on ya.

It's not about whether it's easy on me. It's about whether it's easy on Chara.

[He didn't get hurt at all, after all. But Chara... they got torn down by somebody familiar. Someone they knew. Just like what happened in that village all those years ago, right? They had to stare into the eyes of people they recognized and feel every single blow that Asriel felt, only it must have been even worse because none of the people slowly killing them were strangers.]

They... um... there are a lot of things about them that they don't talk about.

[Some things Asriel thinks he shouldn't talk about, either. Things he only understood in retrospect, after the surface had given him the scars lurking under unblemished flower petals or pristine white fur. Whatever he's made of now.]

But... it's always been them who suffered for other people. It's always been them who has to get hurt. Even now, it's still like that.

[God.

Will any one of these kids just take a second to acknowledge their own problems? Just for a moment? Will any of 'em once, just once, look at themselves and recognize that sometimes it matters more than a little how they feel about it?

Nah. Too much to ask.

He bites back the urge to blow out a long exhale of nonexistent breath.]

Yeah. I've kinda gathered that.

[Pushin' back against these kids doesn't get him anywhere. He's learned that.]

But they ain't the only one that's still recovering from that day. [And then, before he can deflect:] And, uh, no, I'm not just talkin' about Frisk.

[Gosh, how is he supposed to say this? How can he reassure Sans with "actually I'm not recovering at all, because I'm totally not even capable of the compassion and love a monster is supposed to be made of?" Isn't it bad if he pretends to not be well when he actually doesn't feel anything? But maybe it's even worse if he admits to being so... well... everyone says that love is what makes us people, right?

Sans would be horrified to hear about someone who loses their sibling and only feels... only feels numb. Feels worryingly... functional, like this is something he can set down and somehow keep on surviving. The right answer is to be immobilized by grief, not... not just shrugging it off.]

...I'll be okay. I just need time. It was just... it's scary, you know? I'd only just gotten to think I could be with Chara again, and... and a human they know and love goes and hurts them.

And then they just... don't come back. If we hadn't made them come back, would they have hidden from us forever?

[Well, it's a step up. It's a genuine answer, and yeah, it sounds pretty...pretty rough.]

I dunno, kiddo. It's a good thing we found 'em when we did, but you're right.

[There's no saying what would'a happened if they'd just stuck it out. If Frisk hadn't rallied 'em all together, as Frisk has the tendency to do, and gotten him to act like a damn adult for once.]

And it wasn't first time you had to watch it happen.

[The words are gentle, not so much probing as they are...stating the fact. He's figured it out by now, and he knows the story. Everybody knows the story.]

I can't imagine how that feels.

[Well, that's the funny thing.

Maybe he can, a little bit.]

[For some reason, that - it bothers him? Sans is trying to be compassionate, so he should feel better, but Asriel just... it's fake. He's - in fact, no, he's not even trying to be compassionate. It's the same two-faced thing he always does. I can't imagine how that feels.

Would he have fed that line to Frisk, too, if they'd gotten as out of control as Asriel had with their timelines? "You can't imagine how this feels," like Sans is the only person in the world to lose someone, the only person to be trapped, the only person who knows what it's like to have an ending and then suddenly wake up back in the garden, unable to feel his arms and legs, the... the only person who knows there's no future for him anymore.

And now he's dragging that line out, trotting out that old chestnut, and it just feels all the more insulting because it's obviously fake. The same kind of thing that made him so sure nobody understood him, that only Chara would be real, because this is just flat, insincere, token pity. Something very Floweyish inside him prickles awfully, wants to spit out something so mean and heated that he'll sting just as bad as Asriel stings.

He has to try hard to force it down. Try really, really hard. He's not like that anymore. He's better now. He shouldn't even be thinking those things at all. But try as he might, he can't fill the silence with a smile, and he can't find any nice or grateful words to answer.]

Well... I can't get hung up on the past forever.

[Ha ha.]

I just need to appreciate them more now that they're back here with me.

[Can't get hung up on the past forever.

Maybe there's something to that. After all, he can't get hung up on Chara, on Frisk, on their sins and their attempts to make things right or maybe to just try and prove that they're unapologetic, that they didn't have a reason to do the things they did.

Can't keep judging people for things they're sorry for, maybe. Who can say.

Either way, he doubts Asriel's as okay as he's lettin' on. Call it a talent of Sans's, telling when someone's smile ain't exactly full-on.]

Yeah. Guess so.

But it's, uh...okay not to be okay about this. Y'know?

[It's okay to be torn up over the death of someone you put your entire well-being into.

Ha ha.]

["Okay not to be okay." Yeah, sure, the Floweyish part of him hisses. Thanks, Hallmark.

That's not fair. He's trying. Probably. He's probably trying. Still, it keeps chafing, because it keeps sounding so fake. A guy who makes himself into nothing but an unchanging smile and a bunch of topic-dodging jokes is telling him it's okay to not be okay?

...Breathe. Take a quick time out. Count to 10. Try to do the things that... that Mom told Chara to do in time-out sometimes. The things she tried to get Asriel's tears to quiet down when things weren't quite the way he wanted them to turn out.]

Ha ha... I guess it's easier to say nice things than to put them into practice.

But... life goes on, huh? Everyone else is over it, so who am I to keep dragging them back into it? You're smiling. Chara's smiling. They're just as devoted to Frisk as... as I guess they just... are now?

[Why ARE they so devoted to Frisk? Why won't they tell Asriel, their best friend, about how they met, why they're so close, about... anything at all about this friendship?]

Anyway, they're happy. And Frisk's not hiding so much anymore, so... things are better, huh?

[Heh. Yeah. Kid's gotta real good point. It's easy to say that he'll sit and listen to 'em, listen to their problems, do the best he can. It's another thing entirely to put it into practice. It's another thing entirely to drag his coccyx outta bed in the morning because someone needs something from him - needs him to be there, needs him to answer their texts, needs him to remind them he exists.

And when you sleep through most of the day on the real, real bad ones, it's just easier to keep on sleepin' through it. Give in, 'cause you might as well, yeah?

Life goes on.

Everyone else is...over it.]

Yeah. Guess it smoothed over pretty quick.

[Maybe that's 'cause Chara's gotten real good at forcing down all the ugly things they don't wanna think about, compressing them down into something small and palatable in the shape of a grin.

He'd know. He's mastered that art.]

Just hope nothin' like that ever has to happen again. That's all.

I guess that's all we can do.

Hope.

[That's all he's gonna get out of Sans, anyway. Hope, because there's no effort involved in a pat on the back and a handful of pitying platitudes. Why even bring this up if he isn't gonna do anything?

In fact, maybe Asriel should be demanding he does do something, huh? Cut out this token, obligation sympathy and ask for something USEFUL!]

...But, hey... Sans? Maybe you can tell me. Maybe you'll let me know why... Chara would forgive Frisk so quickly. Why Chara isn't even mad at all. They don't... the Chara I know doesn't make friends with humans very easily. Let alone...

[Let alone like a human more than they like Asriel, ha ha.]

[That's, uh...that's tricky. He don't feel like he's got much of a right to spill that secret, 'specially when it took him so long just to figure how the two kids knew each other, let alone their names.

He only hesitates a moment as he considers the question. It won't be easy to talk about. He knows that much. Can't say how much Asriel really knows about Chara's situation either, if he don't even know why the pair of 'em get along so well.]

Well, uh...y'know Chara pretty well. Well enough to know they'll always put someone else's...everything...over theirs. Kid who don't like themself all that much - they don't see a problem in death, y'know?

[They don't see a problem. They see a solution.

The other problem is, Frisk is just the same. How the pair of 'em don't just default to throwing themselves in front of bullets for each others all the time is utterly beyond him.]

I don't wanna put words in their mouth. [He ain't earned that right. Not after all he's done to the pair of 'em.] But I figure that maybe you're overdue to have a talk with both your roomies.

[...Oh.

That means Sans knows.

Sans knows, Frisk knows, Chara knows. It's just Asriel who doesn't know.]

No, it's... it's okay. It's fine. Chara... you know how they like to avoid things like that, I bet.

[By running away. By disappearing. By switching off. By pretending not to have heard anything at all and walking right past you. Things that he knows, because Asriel's supposed to know Chara better than anyone else in the world, because best friends trust each other completely, but...

Things have changed a lot, he guesses, while Chara's been in Hadriel. And that's a good thing, probably! It's better if they've found new friends! It's not like Asriel can truly care about anyone, after all, and it's not like he can really join them once their time in Hadriel is done.

So it's... okay.]

I'd never doubt Chara. If they're not telling me something, then they must have a really good reason for it.

[It can't just be that they haven't considered Asriel at all yet. It can't just be that other people are more important to them, and they've forgotten all about Asriel.]

It must be really painful for them, or they're trying to protect me, or... they can only tell a few people, and you and Frisk were the people they used it up on. I know they have their reasons. I know it.

[More like Sans put the pieces together over time, bit by bit. But yeah, looks like you're the odd monster out, Asriel. Well, uh - 'cept for Alphys and Papyrus. Like, uh, sorry. And stuff.

He does that thing the kids are all real good at, a disturbing trend Sans is pickin' up on, where he up and dismisses everything he's feeling for the sake of everybody else. Cripes, between the three of 'em, it's no wonder anyone admits to anything going on in their lives.

Forgive him if he sounds a mite skeptical.]

Y'know you're allowed to, uh...feel things too, right? Like, you are allowed to be curious and to ask 'em questions.

[And just to lighten the mood, he spreads his arms wide in an exaggerate shrug, winking.]

We're monsters. We're a curious folk.

[Ha ha, like that's the problem. Is he allowed to not feel things, trashbag? Because boy, is he ever doing a whole lot of not feeling things! Does he have permission to be numb and aching and hollowed-out? Would that be okay?

It sure doesn't feel very okay, ha ha.

He just... he wishes that hearing he's allowed to feel things would make him feel things again. Like his soul was just waiting for permission to exist, and all the things that he's supposed to be feeling would come rushing in.]

They've been through a lot of things that they don't like to talk about. A good friend respects boundaries, so I'm respecting their boundaries. I'm not gonna doubt them. Never again. I can wait until they're ready.

My curiosity... it shouldn't come before other people's comfort, should it?

[If there's anyone he can expect to give the hard-but-true answer to that question, it's Sans. Curiosity is a dangerous thing. Insisting you have to know is a dangerous thing. That's... curiosity is a Flowey thing. Not an Asriel thing.]

And your comfort? This factor into it at all?

[It ain't like Sans can really - judge him for what he has to say, yeah? He should be learning a thing or two about judgment, and maybe he has. But there's gotta be a reason this is the way things are. A reason why he recites what a good friend should be like there's a manual.

Though, hey, if there is one, maybe he could kick Sans a copy. It ain't like he's real good at keepin' friends once they get to know anything uncomfortable.]

That's not... Chara's the one who's had it bad. Dragging things they don't want to discuss out of them would hurt them a whole lot more than waiting until they're ready would hurt me! They've had a lot of unhappy things to deal with lately, haven't they?

[An unhappy reason for climbing a mountain. The kind of reason that Asriel had never once considered in his sheltered, blessed life. The kind of reason that he'd never even fathomed could occur to anyone, because he knew nothing of how cruel the world really could be.]

Like I said, I trust them. If they're keeping things from me, it's for my own good.

[Some things he's better off not knowing. Some things, it's useless to even bring them up, because someone as loved as Asriel would never understand it. Some things, he might hear and get scared or grossed out or think they're creepy and stop being their friend.

They had a lot of reasons for keeping secrets, whether Asriel grasped them or agreed with them or not. But whatever those reasons were... Asriel always knew that they weren't hiding things to be mean or punish Asriel. They were hiding them to protect themself, or to protect him, or... because it didn't feel safe to talk about them, maybe?

So he has to understand. Of course he understands.]

For their own good, too.

[Yeah, this ain't really going anywhere. Asriel just kinda wants to blind himself to what could be, intentionally - 'cause it'd be easier, or 'cause he just trusts Chara that much. He'd be envious of that level of trust one could have in someone else, only it'd take too much work.

Either way, he ain't about to press the point. Hardly his place to, yeah?]

I guess you'd know 'em best.

[With the, uh, possible exception of Frisk, though he ain't about to say it. It's clear that Asriel's insecure enough about what's going on between the two of 'em as it is.]

Just, uh...take care of yourself, yeah?

[He's the wrong guy for this. For all of this. To be talkin' to any these kids through their manifold issues. He can't even get his own shit together - what's he doing stickin' his nasal cavity where it ain't wanted?]

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