hadriel | four; text

[he'll take it either way tbh]

It's alright. You couldn't have known.

Maybe not. [ it sucks, though, to feel like they were close to figuring it out only to be very wrong. ]

So... have you talked to Matt yet? [ because that seems like it's going to be an awkward conversation, on more than a few levels. ]

Not yet. I'm not sure I'm ready for that conversation.

[he wasn't hitting on matt as hard as matt thought he was but it's still. going to be super awkward no matter what.]

It's going to be okay. [ Matt seemed kind of embarrassed by his reaction. which she guesses is better than being upset about it. it doesn't really feel like it's her place to try and work out whatever is going on between Matt and Connor. if Connor wants her opinion, he'll ask for it. ]

I'm avoiding Richie for the same reason - awkward conversations.

What happened with you and Richie?

Let's just say the other me was much more attracted to him than I am. Well - it was the other him too. But it's all in my head. It's... complicated. [ pls let the floor open up and swallow her instead of having to talk to Richie about it. ]

Other Richie also tried to start shit with me, which I actually prefer over the rest of it. [ she has to laugh a little about that. how is this their lives? ]

Do you remember everything from the other you?

Yeah. So as weird as it sounds, I completely understand what you mean.

[he's quiet for a moment, and then tries for a hollow laugh]

Could've been worse. Other me didn't try to sleep with other you, at least. That would've been like sleeping with my sister.

There is that. [ and she never thought she'd be so grateful that an attractive man didn't sleep with her. ] Even when you're evil you're still not into fantastic tits. [ she giggles at her own joke, and moves to rest her head on his shoulder. ]

You're right, you know? You're like my brother. Gloss is like my other half. Having you here makes me feel less lonely. And if anyone gives you shit for anything that happened, I'll take care of them.

And I have no doubt that you'd be able to take care of them.

[it's...oddly reassuring. but cashmere is way stronger than him.]

I'm glad you don't hate me.

I could never hate you. I was mad about what you - he said but I know you don't mean it. [ and in retrospect, that's how she should have know something was really wrong. ] I think everyone gets that everything that happened in the last few days was not under anyone else's control.

[trying to reach back through the memories of all the shit his double said and did is awful but necessary, i guess, so he know what she's referring to.]

I would never call you that. And if it's any consolation - I think my double banged like half of the cave's male population. So he's kind of a hypocrite.

I know you wouldn't. And yeah your double really wanted to get both of us laid. [ can you blame her for thinking it was Connor??? ]

How are you feeling about all that? The sex, I mean.

Not great.

[he sighs]

I mean -- it was great. But I don't want to do that to Ollie. I want to be good for him.

[ that's sweet, and it kind of shatters her heart. ] You really love him a lot. [ it's not even a question. just a statement. loving someone like that is almost indescribable, and she can imagine how it must be tearing at him. ]

I think it matters that you regret it. You can't change it, but you wouldn't have done it if you'd had the choice, right?

I've been trying every day since it happened to fix it.

[connor's voice catches. he was definitely crying earlier and he's probably going to start crying again.]

It's worse than you think, though. Oliver's life got fucked up. Because of me.

[ he can cry it out. it's why she came over. ]

What happened? [ she's a little afraid to ask, given the gory details she learned from his double. ] Life ruined fucked up or fixable fucked up?

Fixable but not in a permanent way. He -- after I cheated on him, he wanted to forget about it. He slept with some guy. Some random guy.

[that part doesn't matter, but connor looks down at his hands instead of at Cashmere. the guilt is obvious - he's every bit as guilty as his double wasn't]

He got HIV.

[it's clear how much connor blames himself for it. even when oliver probably didn't want him to. but in his mind it's a direct consequence of what he did. in his mind, he's so guilty about everything else in his life what's this one more thing?]

[ oh, shit. Cashmere forces herself to not let her reaction be plastered all over her face, in case he happens to look up she doesn't want him to catch her looking completely horrified. ]

Oh! [ she breathes it out softly. all the pieces are starting to fall together, the chain reaction of terrible events spurred by Connor's one bad choice. ] I'm sorry. [ she experimentally reaches out to softly rub a hand across his back. ]

I don't know what to tell you.

It's alright. There's not really much to be said about it.

It wasn't your fault. It's not Oliver's fault either. Bad things happen. [ since he didn't pull away, she keeps rubbing his back, hoping it's at least a little comforting. ]

Is there more to what happened at home? [ does it get worse? ]

I don't know.

[he tries to take a deep breath but it kind of comes out like a sob]

I didn't mean to do it. Wes was the one who -- the one who hit Sam. Sam was trying to kill Rebecca. It was all such a mess.

I know you didn't. It would have happened even if you weren't there. [ Connor crying continues to be completely heartbreaking. ] You were trying to help.

I should've gone to the cops. I should've done something more.

And then what, Connor? What would have happened to you? [ she's all for being a good person but not at the expense of being unable to cover your own ass. ] Go to prison for murder or have everyone else turn on you?

[she's right - it's likely everyone would turn on him if he ratted them out. he'd end up in jail. but.]

Sometimes, I think that'd be better than the guilt. I don't like living like this.

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