four; text

[iustitiae]

fuck.

[he kind of considers just leaving that but, as a afterthought tacks on:]

look, if anyone wants to ask the real me about anything happened, i'm here now.

Comments

[iustitiae]

I'm not talking about what he said, just. All of it.

[the murder, the stuff with oliver, the suicide he indirectly caused, the shit with sinclair, rebecca.]

[devilsavocado]

I know. I heard.

[ Matt sounds uncomfortable admitting it, but Connor probably deserves to know. He heard all of it, actually. ]

All those things... they were were outside your control. You couldn't have known what would happen.

[iustitiae]

Oh.

[well, that figures. with matt's powers.]

[devilsavocado]

Yeah.

[ He sucks in a breath. It's... not easy. ]

If anything, I should be the one to leave, Connor. You've spent all this time trying to help me and I... I don't want you to feel unsafe in your own home. I'm sorry.

[iustitiae]

I don't...

[connor's voice is hollow, which is about how he feels on the inside after everything that's happened]

I don't want that.

[devilsavocado]

[ Matt tilts his head, surprised more than anything. Connor isn't lying. He doesn't want Matt gone? ]

What, um. What do you want, then?

[iustitiae]

I don't know.

[he shakes his head, his body shaking too, even as matt still holds him. but the anxiety at being alone, here, in this place, fights back hard as matt suggests leaving. even back home, he doesn't know how he could do it. it's why he couldn't every tell oliver to leave, even if that's what would be better for oliver.]

I like...It's nice having you around.

[daredevil & threats aside, matt does make him feel safer]

[devilsavocado]

I can stay.

[ God knows, Matt doesn't actually want to leave. But he often thinks what he needs and what he wants don't always coincide. And if Connor would be better off without him, then he'd leave.

But in a place like this, leaving Connor alone probably wouldn't be that much safer, would it? Matt squeezes Connor reassuringly, trying to steady him. ]

I don't... I'm sorry I lied to you, Connor. I don't blame you for what happened, either.

[iustitiae]

It's okay if you do.

[god knows he blames himself enough]

[devilsavocado]

But I don't.

[ yeah, Matt can tell Connor blames himself enough for all of them, really. ]

You regret all that, don't you?

[iustitiae]

Yes.

[he can't help but cry now, again. even though it feels like he's cried enough for a few lifetimes. he loses it when matt makes him say it again, makes him articulate his guilt and his grief another time.]

Yes, of course I do.

[devilsavocado]

That's what matters.

[ Yes, very healthy, Matt. At the very least he pulls Connor into a hug. He's all but earned it. Maybe Matt can't steady him, but he can try to be there for him. ]

You're not a bad person, Connor.

[ Guilt is definitely very healthy. ]

[iustitiae]

[yes this definitely won't come back to haunt matt in the slightest. not later, not now when connor is literally falling apart in his arms]

I am a bad person.

[devilsavocado]

[ Matt's awful timing strikes again!! But he is here to grip Connor tight and let him cry as much as he needs. God knows, he's been there. ]

Bad people don't feel guilty. They make excuses or... they try to forget.

[iustitiae]

[hm yes definitely his timing and not his unhealthy emotional habit]

It keeps happening. People keep getting hurt because of us.

[devilsavocado]

[ piling on guilt is a completely healthy way of handling problems, what are you talking about? it's definitely worked for every matt murdock, ever. ]

You're here now. You could have forgotten all of that and run away from it, but you aren't.

[iustitiae]

[well that doesn't fucking work, matt, pay attention to the things he tells you]

But I tried to. Tried to transfer.

[devilsavocado]

Out of guilt. Would you have been happy, running away from it all?

[ Matt really doubts it. He'd've just ended up like this, but somewhere else. ]

You're doing the best you can, now.

[iustitiae]

I don't know.

[matt you are hurting him stop]

[devilsavocado]

[ yep ok officially making it worse. Matt will just shut up and hold him now. Sorry he's a shitty roommate, Connor. ]

[iustitiae]

[ok i guess he'll just be held and cry a lot]

[devilsavocado]

[ He is here for hugs it's ok.

I mean it's not ok but he's here for that too. ]

Connor, I... I'm not leaving, okay.

[iustitiae]

I don't know why.

[it's hard - knowing that logically people shouldn't be around you, but wanting them to anyway.]

[devilsavocado]

We're friends.

[ And really, Matt cares. He does. He should be outraged and angry but he's more upset with himself for lying than he ever could be at Connor. ]

I'm not going to stop being your friend because of something you had almost no control over.

[iustitiae]

Then stop because I lied to you.