hadriel | ✘ Round 3

Because it's what I know!

[Carlisle wrenches his hand to pull it from Glacius' grasp as he loses his temper. A cacophony pours from him, his unfocused eyes darting to and from his alien partner throughout.]

Because I can't taint it like I taint everything else I touch! Everything good I have will get taken from me eventually no matter what I do, so why face it? Why face anything?! My garden is lost, another friend turns against me, and I'd rather deal with this in my own than—

[And he stops suddenly, his eyes brimming with hot, angry tears.]

Than risk—

[His hand with the bottle shakes. He might be stubbornly denying that the drink isn't helping, might not realize how little sense his defense makes in reality, but he's sure his mind isn't deadened enough if he can still think of losing Glacius.]

Edited 2017-03-05 20:40 (UTC)

But it's not all you know, [Glacius insists, still even despite the fact that Carlisle is unleashing his temper on him again,] not anymore. You have known kindness, understanding, and support... that is what you should be clinging to in times like this, not old toxic behaviors that you learned when you had to shoulder everything alone. Don't you see, Carlisle? You aren't alone any more. I'm here, and I'm going to stay here whether you want me to or not... at least until you're feeling better. [Then, if the human still wants him gone, he will have to honor that request.]

[Those sullen thoughts cloud his already foggy mind, poisoning him from within. Glacius is there, but for how long? How long will it be until he is pushed away?

Carlisle's thoughts aren't so slowed that he can't answer that himself: he's tried to push the alien away, and failed. Glacius won't hear reason, no matter how much better he could do than a drunken clergyman.

How long until he leaves, then?

Carlisle can answer that, too. Glacius just said he wouldn't. They pledged themselves to one another, confessed what they felt under the illusionary stars, embraced each other as lovers that day in the snow. Glacius is an honorable being, unlike him, and knows well enough that Carlisle doesn't want him to leave.

Then how long will it be until he is taken away?

That's one Carlisle couldn't answer even if he wasn't intoxicated. That's the kind of question that drives him to drink in the first place, yet no amount of liquor will give him solace. It will happen eventually -- it is a matter of when, and how they spend what time they do have together. He slumps, weary, his voice somber as he mumbles a reply:]

I ssstill think you have made a mistake.

And I know that I haven't. You haven't had anyone to rely on in a long time, Carlisle... I understand that, and I understand that it can be hard to adjust to. It can even probably be hard to allow yourself such a thing, given what I know about the prejudices you have faced and how they have shaped your perceptions of yourself and what you deserve. But you do deserve this--you do deserve me, not cruel acts of retaliation or isolation, and you will be better for it in the long run if you make the attempt to believe such a thing.

[The alien heaves a sad little sigh, lowering a head to try and regard the clergyman's face despite the way he's slumping. He's not entirely sure about the answer to this next question given his partner's behavior over the past couple of days and the verbal lashing he just received, but if he's just told Carlisle to believe in what they have then he'd better try to do the same.] After all... am I not better company than all these bottles you've been holing yourself up with?

[Carlisle gives another sad laugh, though his eyes hold no humor whatsoever, both of them still unfocused, still misty.]

You can certainly hold a better conversssation.

[Glacius gives him a slight look like he's not sure if that's supposed to make him feel better... then just shakes his head.] I suppose I have to take what I can get. [And now, since Carlisle seems to be gradually wearing out, he shifts his grip from the clergyman's wrist to the neck of the bottle he's holding, seeing if he'll let it be taken from his grasp.]

[There's a second where Carlisle seems like he isn't going to let the bottle go, but he finally does relinquish it, bringing both of his hands to his face. He pushes his glasses atop his head, his body shaking as he chokes on the lump in his throat.

And then come the apologies. Two, four, seven, what sounds like an eighth half-sputtered, not a single reason for them given. Maybe he's sorry for Glacius having to deal with him; maybe he's sorry for snapping at the alien at all. Perhaps he's sorry he doubted Glacius, pushed him away, that his garden burned, that he exists, or that he's crying in the first place. Some proper Longinmouth he is.]

[Glacius is surprised but pleased when Carlisle releases allows him to take the bottle, and starts to turn to place it well out of the closet--but then he hears those quiet choking sounds and they seize his complete attention. He whirls back to face the clergyman--just barely avoiding whacking the side of his face on the narrow doorframe that he's only partially stuffed himself into--just in time for the apologies to start spilling forth... and he has no idea what to do to stem them.

At least he's had a bit of practice with this sort of thing, given that Carlisle has broken down a few times in his presence before. The ice alien attempts to stuff himself into the closet one more time, gives a low growl when it still clearly is not going to work--and then shifts, his body melting down into a giant puddle that creeps its way inside the closet to be with the clergyman. He can't reform entirely--there's really not enough space in here--so when he reverts it's only parts of him that are partially formed, other bits still little more than frozen liquid that coat the floor and walls... but maybe that works out just as well, here. Carlisle can probably feel the cold of the bizarrely-shifted alien underneath him, right beside him--his partner is literally all around him as his face and neck reform, the better to nuzzle up against him as he murmurs soothing condolences to the distraught human.] Ssh, it's okay, it's alright. Get it out--you're doing good, Carlisle, and I am here. I'll always be here, no matter what.

Edited 2017-03-06 00:49 (UTC)

[Carlisle can indeed feel the cold all around him, and the nuzzle at his side startles him enough that he draws his head from his hands, nearly knocking his glasses off his forehead in the process. He stares at Glacius' reformed head for a second, catching his breath, before he wraps his arms around his partner's neck, clinging to him for stability, as though he'd drown without his support.

For all he knows, perhaps he would. It wouldn't be the first time he was afraid of such a fate being spurned by a fit of alcohol-fueled depression. The movement of the river always did threaten to draw him in.

He shudders as he exhales against the icy warrior, his shoulders folding inward, fingers curling as he seeks refuge in the one place he has left: with his partner. His garden is gone; where else can he go?]

[Glacius exhales as Carlisle's arms wrap so tightly around his neck, always wary of contact around his respiratory organs and gill arches... but even as far gone as his partner is, the alien trusts him not to do any physical harm. The alien coughs once as he attempts to draw air despite how the human's surprisingly strong grip, then with what breath he's managed to gather, utters a consoling chirrup. He doesn't seem to think that the clergyman should go anywhere else; he'd prefer him to stay right here, where he can offer himself as both physical and emotional support, riding out the shaking and shuddering of his partner's body as he tries his best to console him.]

[It takes several minutes for Carlisle to calm down, to stop shaking and coughing and murmuring to himself. The entire time, while his grip around his partner's neck is careful, he doesn't let go even for a moment.

Finally, his tenacious embrace relaxes, his hands slipping to the sides of Glacius' face. Though he seems to have found some modicum of his composure, his trembling continues -- it's not from his outburst, but from the cold.]

It mattered so much to me, Glacius. For brief moments there, I felt like I was home.

[Sorry about the chill, Carlisle--but he wasn't about to stay stuck on the other side of that closet while you had a breakdown, and he's not about to move away now with his face tenderly held in your grasp like that. He'll have to endure the cold for a little while longer at least--but hopefully it's worth the proximity of his partner.

For now, the concern remains as strong in the alien's face as ever, his brows furrowed and his features knit with sorrow and worry for his friend and partner.] When? In... what way? I know you have both... good and bad memories of your home.

[It is worth bearing the cold, if the way Carlisle doesn't move says anything.]

Good. My garden back home was the only place I could go s- sssometimes to collect myself. No one else there. Just... quiet, even from my own thoughts, it seemed. Even before my uncles vanished, I spent a lot of time there. They- my plants depended on me.

[Much as the people of Bear Den did on his family. He failed them both.]

Edited 2017-03-06 11:49 (UTC)

Oh, Carlisle... I am so sorry. [Glacius murmurs this, his tone as empathetic as can be. That slow-burning anger at whoever did this to the clergyman, striking out against him in such a personal and hurtful manner, is no less present... but he knows that's not going to help his partner recover. He needs to focus on consolation first and foremost... the time for seeking out that scum and setting things right will come later, he tells himself.] I know how you feel. Even though the landscape was all wrong, seeing the world before me blanketed in snow... it was enough to make me feel like I was back on my homeworld, even if just for a few brief moments. Losing that was so difficult for me. [As Carlisle could no doubt tell, based on the melancholy that settled in to his partner when it all began to melt away.] I can only imagine how much this must hurt you, given how much time you spent in your garden while you were here, and how much work you put into cultivating it. You did such a good job.

[He pauses, then cranes his head forward to nuzzle comfortingly against the clergyman without jostling his hands from the side of his face.] But if you were able to grow all that from so little, perhaps it can be done again. You have some plants in the park still, correct? And a few growing in pots around this apartment? Will they bear seeds and snippings that we can use to restart a new garden?

Some are lost to me, like the little carnivorous plant. I only had one of those. [And he nearly lost his leg trying to get it when the Door brought them in.] The others I can replace, but—

[And there is the ever-present fear to dictate his actions, to cage him. His hold on Glacius tightens the slightest bit as it creeps up his spine and into his voice.] But why? W- would I simply rebuild the garden where it was, a target anew for any who would s- ssseek to wound me? Why rebuild what do not—

[Despite the lack of focus in his eyes and the slur of his speech, he's thinking clearly enough to not finish that statement. He knows what Glacius would say about what he does and doesn't deserve.]

Because it is important to you. [Glacius' tone is gentle as ever, and after a moment a partially-formed limb emerges from the ice coating the wall to curl around Carlisle's back.] It brings you happiness, and purpose. You cannot let the cruelty of others take that from you. It is the way of life in this cave, as it is in the universe greater, to endure and persist... I believe that your garden can do it, and I believe that you can, as well.

The location is a good point, however. We should find a new place, perhaps one more secluded... and I will come by to check on it regularly, spend some time guarding it in your absence. I--I should have done that in the first place... I'm sorry, Carlisle, that I was not there to help you fend off whatever treacherous individual dared to do this.[And now the alien's tone wavers slightly as he does his best to battle off a sudden wave of guilt that threatens to creep up on him--this is about his partner, not him.] But we can start anew--we should start anew. We can't let this cruelty forever mar something good that you made.

[He won't admit it, but Carlisle is almost glad Glacius wasn't there, in a way. Despite Glacius' insistence, Carlisle believes he deserved what Shadow did; he alone should face the brunt of his vehemence. The hedgehog had his reasons for lashing out, and given what had been done to him -- even in relatively harmless circumstances -- the clergyman can't say he blames him one bit.

But there's no changing what happened; there is changing what will happen, and Carlisle can't help but notice the way Glacius brings it up. We can start this, and we can't let that. We should find a new place.]

... We?

[Ah. That's right. He isn't alone, is he? Glacius won't let him be alone, wont allow him to sequester himself further. He might not be able to realize the full extent of how badly he needs that reassurance when he's so morose, but he'll appreciate it once his head has cleared.]

[He won't, but he's suddenly not sure if that's what Carlisle wants--he's unfortunately reading that confusion as hesitance or worse, uncertainty. Glacius' grip slackens and he tucks his head back slightly, a display of consternation as he regards the clergyman.] W-well... do you not... want me to? I like standing by your side, Carlisle, and it... it means so much to me when you let me get involved with things that are so important to you. But if I have overstepped my bounds--[not just with his assumption, but with everything he's done tonight in his attempts to help]--and you no longer desire that... I understand.

Edited 2017-03-07 01:28 (UTC)

[Though Glacius pulls his head back, Carlisle refuses to let go, his hands still locked on the sides of the alien's face.]

I don't want to be alone. I... I carry enough burdens as it is.

[And for him to even admit that is a step in the right direction, albeit one he might not yet fully realize.]

[Carlisle might not be in any state to fully realize it, but the alien seems to, if the way his features finally start to lift is any indication. The sorrow and righteous indignation that he'd felt on behalf of his partner hasn't simply vanished... but hearing that his partner still wants him around is a definite comfort, one that's reinforced by the way he keeps his hold on his face.] Of course I won't leave you alone, Carlisle. In fact, if you're okay with moving out of this cramped little closet, I would very much like to hold you properly.

[While he feels safe enough in the tight space of the closet, Carlisle does seem to agree that he might feel more secure in the arms of his partner: he nods, and after finally releasing Glacius from his grasp and making one more pass at his own eyes with his hands, Carlisle gets to his feet and walks into the bedroom proper.

Well, more like stumbles, given the bottles on the floor and how drunk he still is, but the point is that he's vacated the closet. Small steps.]

[Maybe he stumbles for a few steps, but after that he'll feel Glacius' strong arms hooking around him, the alien having easily reverted now that he's not trying to stuff himself into such a cramped space. Carlisle's weight is effortless for him to bear as he steps over all of the various bottles littering the room--he'll have to remove every single one of those, but later-- and moves them both towards the bed. He sits his partner down first, then eases onto the bed besides him. The mattress creaks and depresses under the alien's bulk; he keeps his arm around his partner the whole time, just in case he has as hard a time holding himself up as he looks like he will.]

There, see. Isn't that better?

[The bed leans in Glacius' direction due to his comparative weight; Carlisle doesn't mind, as that just makes it easier to sidle up beside him, letting that bulky body protect him from all his fears both real and perceived.]

It is.

[He takes a deep breath; the smell of liquor is still heavy in it.]

Where would we put it? This garden that you and I will have?

Edited 2017-03-07 03:28 (UTC)

[The fact that Carlisle is not just letting himself get mired down in his misery any more, but is actually looking ahead to the future--no, make that their future--clearly touches Glacius. He swivels his head about to regard his partner, his expression softened by glowing fondness, then lowers it and bunts gently against his cheek as he gives a happy chirrup.] Well! We have some options. There's a lot of space in the main room of our apartment, if you wanted to set up a bunch of pots and hanging planters... though there wouldn't be as much sunlight, and perhaps the rabbit might have a bit too much opportunity to nibble on them.

The park is another option, or I'm sure there are other rooftops... hm. Where would you like to put it, Carlisle? You know better than I in this regard. [And thinking about this is much better than focusing on his sorrow!]

[Though he responds to that bump in kind, he still seems to be weighed down by his thoughts, his expression as dour as ever.]

I liked the rooftop. They got enough sun, it was private. Most wouldn't even stumble upon it by accident. Perhaps we could find another, one more out of the way, though it'd be no safer than the last.

[The gears in his head turn, albeit sluggishly.]

I wonder if it'd be possible to build something in the park, perhaps in the areas where most don't tread. Even a few walls would sssuffice.

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