hadriel | 002 [Video]

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002 [Video]

[He supposes this is as good a time as any considering the events of the past few days and Rosen's recent post, so...

Lance is looking more put together than he has recently, although he hasn't completely returned to the formal look; he has bothered with a suit but not with a tie, and his hair's getting slightly out of control and distinctly curly. He also looks a bit like he's either gotten too little sleep or too much, although his voice is steady and even and he certainly sounds more professional than he did in his last post.]

Due to recent events, and in followup to Dr. Rosen's announcement, I think this is a good time to reiterate that should anyone be in need of someone to speak to about anything that may be bothering them, I'm always available for counseling or just to talk.

[He's gotten the impression this is something a whole lot of people here probably need, and it's important to make sure they're aware of the option and don't have to go hunting for information on who to contact.]

My name is Dr. Lance Sweets and I'm a clinical psychologist, which, for those whose worlds don't have such a profession, means that I work with helping individuals work through any mental or emotional issues they might be having. Although I've counseled patients on a range of subjects, my primary work has been with the FBI and therefore often in the area of coping with witnessing or experiencing traumatic events.

[Which is fortunate, since there seems to be a lot of that here. Which, itself, is unfortunate.]

Meetings can be as formal or informal as you're comfortable with, and where we speak can also be decided upon on an individual basis. I'm also willing to answer any questions you might have before making any agreements or arrangements.

[Because he's very aware that a whole lot of people don't get the idea of psychology at all, and he's also expecting at least a few 'aren't you twelve?' comments.]

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[He can catch the general buzz of the young man's mind. There's a lot going on in there, layers that he would love to eventually peel back. It makes him interested in Sweets. Not always a good thing, for Ushahin has the tendency to be destructive without meaning to be.]

I have a talent for seeing things others do not. There are patterns in everything that shape our world.

[His bad eye squints and a look of ancient sorrow flits over his face. There's the sense that he's far older than his twenty something appearance would suggest.]

I have lost my usual confidante, so this could provide some much-sought relief.

[Attracting potentially unwanted attention and interest seems to be a pattern that's developed for him here, and he's not entirely sure how to turn it off. At least he's not aware of it from Ushahin yet, at this point.

He watches Ushahin's expression carefully, trying to read into his cryptic first comments by getting something out of how he says them, but the only thing that's really clear is that Ushahin has more experience than he outwardly appears to. But appearances aren't everything by any means, so that isn't too surprising.

The last part of what he says, in contrast to the first, is very clear and Lance feels no shortage of empathy; he isn't sure if Ushahin's confidante was ever here to begin with, or if they recently left or something else of that sort, but Lance definitely knows what it's like not to have anything to talk to.]

Hopefully so, yes; would you like to set up a time to meet?

[Or whatever he feels comfortable with. And he's quiet a moment, before adding something more--]

And I'm sorry about your friend.

[He means that, whatever the situation actually is.]

Would later on this evening work?

[He's a bit of a night owl, preferring the less harsh light on his damaged eye, which could tolerate very little in the way of the equivalent of natural sunlight that the cave had.]

Thank you. I suppose Shadow has gone somewhere better. At least I sincerely hope he did.

[They didn't just share a house, Shadow had been his best friend in the cave. To say Ushahin had become angry when he died was like saying Hell was just a sauna. For all that he tried to do better, sometimes, all that could be done to soothe his wounded heart was to wound someone in return.]

[He looks a little apologetic when he responds.]

It would have to be pretty late; there are a few other people I'm meeting with this evening. However, if that's fine, I'd be willing to meet with you later tonight; if not, any time tomorrow is fine.

[Although his job at home requires him to get up early in the mornings, he's naturally more nocturnal and has already reverted to that in Hadriel, so he doesn't mind meeting late at night if that's alright with Ushahin.

What Ushahin says next catches him a little offguard, because he hadn't thought about the possibility that the friend he mentioned was the person Sato had killed. He's silent for several seconds, trying to sort out what to say in response and quell his own emotional response; concern for Ushahin, guilt for not having been able to come up with a plan to deal with Sato quickly enough, and anger at how callous Sato had been about it are foremost, but only the first of those feelings is at all helpful.]

People here, they return, don't they?

[He asks it softly, pretty certain that's something that happens here, but maybe Ushahin doesn't know or doesn't believe it? But he wants to offer some sort of hope for him.]

A night meeting would be fine with me. They called me Dreamspinner at home, so I am used to staying up when others do not.

[Ushahin's eyes drop to the floor and he doesn't look back up. To say he has lost all hope of seeing the hedgehog again would not be an understatement. It seems to be his lot in life, to lose those he cares about, and never to see them again.]

I have waited for days to sense the return of his mind. [An odd statement that he'll eventually have to elaborate on. He sounds terribly sad as he continues.] I felt it...I felt it the moment when he died. He called to me, but I could do nothing. The sound of it has not returned.

[With Ushahin's powers, he knew of every person that died and returned, their minds flickering out and then back in, and those who left permanently, the thoughts of their minds no longer something he could brush up against.]

[That's an interesting title, and despite that he's only been here about a month and a half Lance knows better than to discount it as just being a title.]

Is ten alright, then? I typically meet at the clinic, but if that isn't acceptable for any reason we can decide upon another location.

[The clinic is just a suitable and relatively neutral location, and not completely isolated but still private, all of which makes it ideal as far as he's concerned. Still, some people are uncomfortable with clinics, someone may have a problem with a staff member, or any number of other reasons why it wouldn't be an acceptable location.

He's totally quiet while Ushahin continues and the lack of eye contact means he can drop his gaze as well, for just a few moments while he makes sure he can keep his own expression steady. It's always difficult for him, even with years of experience, to keep his own emotions in control when dealing with a patient who is so clearly and deeply affected.]

I'm sorry.

[He offers the condolences again because he doesn't know what else to do, and he can practically feel how upset Ushahin is and wants to help somehow. He doesn't know enough about people supposedly returning from the dead here to have any idea of whether it's been long enough, or if there is or isn't any chance that he might still come back, but he hopes there is. The last thing anyone needs here is more misery, and he can't imagine that the announcement from Sato hadn't only added more and entirely unnecessary trauma.

He does notice the strange wording that Ushahin uses, as well, but decides to just keep it in mind for the moment. It's not the right time to pry.]

The clinic is fine. This is the first time I have ever had cause to visit it.

[When one was an immortal who couldn't die for most normal reasons, there was very little need for doctors or healers in his life. Though the fact he was seeking one out now spoke volumes to how he was finally coming to terms with some of the trauma in his life. He definitely could have used a therapist long before now.]

I will see you then. We can talk more in person.

[He switches off the video, turning to look at Fetch, the raven that has been his companion as long as he's been here. The bird taps him gently with his beak, which reassures Ushahin that he has made the right decision.

He arrives promptly at ten, and in person, his injuries look far worse. There's little things not seen over a camera, like a crooked jaw, and his left arm, which is completely crippled. It's also clear that Ushahin isn't fully human. There's a gracefulness to the way he walks and holds himself, plus the unnerving habit he has of holding himself completely still that normal humans have never possessed. There's faint traces on the few bits of his face and the whole arm he still has that make one realize he could have been a very beautiful being indeed were he not broken down into pieces.

He doesn't look directly at the doctor when they meet, instead, just over the top of his head. This close, thoughts are much stronger, and easier to be picked up on, like a radio being tuned into a stronger signal.]

I must confess I have never done anything like this before.

[Lance is at the clinic a bit early, as he always is when he's meeting a patient, and uses the time to make sure the room he'd set up is still arranged--it is--and he looks presentable.

He does, for the most part, dressed in one of the suits he'd found during the lead-up to the ball; there's not much he can do about his hair getting slightly out of control at this point, or the fact that he looks like he hasn't slept much the past few days, but he's composed and bruise on his jaw is almost completely unnoticeable by now. It's also subtle, but Ushahin might pick up on that Lance's broken leg and ribs are still in the final stages of healing and so he's still just slightly cautious in how he moves.

He's waiting in the main lobby when Ushahin arrives, looking through his phone, but glances up immediately and puts his phone in his pocket. He takes note of Ushahin's appearance, instantly curious about what might've happened, but he's far too polite and tactful to say anything about it. Maybe it'll come up naturally as they talk, anyway.

Although Lance prefers to make eye contact, and he notices that Ushahin is looking over his head, but he doesn't call him on it and instead just adds that to the list of things he's keeping in mind. Right now, though, he offers a smile in response to Ushahin's comment, trying to project a sense of calm and reassurance.]

That's alright. If you have any questions at any time, just ask.

[The last thing anyone needs is to be stressed out because they're unsure of how the process works, when therapy itself can be stressful enough.]

I have a room set up toward the back of the clinic where we're unlikely to be interrupted, if you'd like to follow me?

[Ushahin seems to focus in when Sweets speaks, his pupils actually becoming a little bigger. He wonders just how old this boy is, for he looks incredibly young. Not that it matters much, there's few in the cave that have a fraction of the lifespan that he's had. He follows the doctor down the corridor, his feet treading so lightly as to make no sound.

When they reach the room, he looks around for a moment. A chair or the couch?
He folds himself up on the couch, a tall man, thin to the point of looking like a stiff wind could knock him over, hair swept back from his face. It takes him a moment to find his voice.]

I suppose I came to sort out what's going on in my own head. It's hard sometimes to filter through everyone else's thoughts to reach my own.

[That's the second time he's mentioned the minds and thoughts of others besides his own. He's forgotten that there are still residents in Hadriel that don't know of his powers. After all, he used them so frequently for so long that most became acquainted with them after a certain point.]

[Lance is older than he looks, but not by a whole lot; he's still not yet thirty, although he's been through more in his life than a lot of people ever experience and that often creates a mismatch between appearance and how he comes across to people.

He lets Ushahin choose where to sit and then takes the chair himself, sitting back casually, trying to be as nonthreatening as possible; it's not like he's ever particularly intimidating, but people are often nervous when starting a counseling session and he wants to put them as at ease as possible. Mentally, his previously rapid and slightly erratic thoughts are calming down quickly, as he shifts into the type of professionalism he needs for a formal session. Quieting his own thoughts and emotions a bit is necessary for him to be able to focus on and help people with theirs.

Lance can tell Ushahin has something to say, even if it takes him a moment to actually start, and he's quiet until Ushahin is finished speaking. This time he does have to ask about the wording of what he says, because Lance is still getting used to some of those here having supernatural abilities and doesn't know much of anything about Ushahin so far.]

I'm sorry, what do you mean by 'everyone else's thoughts?'

[It isn't incredulous or anything; he's just trying to understand so he knows how to proceed.]

[As the train of Sweets' thoughts begins to slow down, Ushahin finds it easier to concentrate. He oftentimes instinctively latches onto whatever thoughts are closest as a way to anchor himself in the present moment. It's not always a good thing considering the mental state of some people in the cave. But the doctor is a solid presence and so he finds himself able to focus better.

He finally fully focuses, though he still doesn't look him right in the eye. It's just a quick Ushahin has, for he doesn't see people's physical appearance, but more often as they see themselves mentally.]

Ah, yes. That. I have the ability to see into the minds of others and hear their thoughts. Some here call it psychic abilities, though it was called scrying in my own world. And no, I cannot fully keep thoughts out all the time.

[That's not something he would readily admit to just anyone, but he can sense the doctor will not betray his confidence.]

[Well that's... Both really cool and really unsettling all at once, though the latter wins out briefly; although often outwardly expressive, Lance is actually very secretive and the idea that Ushahin might be able to pick up on thoughts and see into his mind--whatever that means--is a little terrifying, and that's probably very obvious.

But he carefully tries to push that aside, at least for now, because he's already agreed to help and really, how is what Ushahin does much different from what he does? Talking to a sufficiently skilled psychologist or psychiatrist can feel almost like speaking with a mind-reader already, and he's asking Ushahin to trust him by the very nature of having this session anyway. It somehow seems only fair that Lance has to do the same in return, for once.

It's not possible for him to completely block out how nervous this makes him, but he does his best to ignore it. This isn't about him, after all.]

That isn't really something that exists in my world, at least not that anyone is sure of.

[Avalon is certainly something, but Lance hasn't really made up his mind about her and although he does allow for the possibility that there are real psychics he's not going to say he truly believs in them.]

So I may need to ask you a few questions if there's something I don't understand about this, in order to be able to help.

[Although he says it as a statement, there's a clear unspoken 'if that's okay?' added on.]

[He waits to see Sweets' reaction. Not everyone here had been so willing to believe at first. They thought he exaggerated or pretended to be more important than he actually was. They were soon cured of that line of thinking. The fact he isn't immediately asked to leave or given a skeptical word heartens the old immortal.]

The first thing you must know about me is that I am old. Very, very old. Well over a thousand years, though I have forgotten the exact amount all told.

[His face looked like someone not out of their twenties, barely with any lines across it, but his eyes spoke of the ancient being that lay within. It's hard for most people to fathom someone that has lived well over a millennia, but the fact Ushahin isn't a screaming wreck after all that has happened to him speaks quite a bit to the fortitude of his mind. He continues on, still sitting in that unnerving stillness that no one here save perhaps the Elves possess.]

I am not fully human, though mayhaps you can already tell. There are beings in my world called the Ellyl. Beautiful, arrogant, proud, and perfect-looking. If you have spoken with any of the Elves here, they are identical in appearance, but Ellyl are corrupt, rotten to the core on the inside. I was born when a human man forced himself on an Ellyl woman. I was rejected by both races and left to die after being stoned as a child. [Thus explaining the horrendous injuries that had never healed.] I found solace with the Were, beings that walked like Men, but looked like wolves.

[Amazing how most of the sorrows of his life could be summed up in a few simple sentences. There was a lot more nuances and details that he could go into, but that could be saved for later. He wanted the doctor to understand just why he'd come to be the way he was.]

I served a god in my world for most of my life, one that the rest of the world saw as being dark and cruel. But he was not so to those who followed him, he was kind and compassionate. [He pauses and looks down at his healed right arm, remembering his own screams as Satoris had forcefully healed it as punishment for one of his transgressions.] Well, most of the time.

[Lance is quiet, listening carefully, accepting all of this as fact without question for now. After being in Hadriel for a time, and knowing what he does about some others, it seems ridiculous to question someone's story when they seem to so clearly believe that they're saying. He doesn't get any sense that Ushahin is trying to lie to him; exactly the opposite.

He can't say he doesn't wish it were a lie, though. The story is just... Terrible, really, and as fantastical as some of the elements are they can still be connected to things he knows. There are, after all, some unfortunate universals, even if the particular details might vary.

It makes sense that Ushahin would want to talk to someone; in fact it's far more astounding to think that he'd made it this far without doing so. Hopefully he has, at least a few times, and it's just been awhile; Lance isn't yet thirty--and likely will never be--and can't imagine having made it this far without talking to people about the weight of what he's been through, let alone a thousand years more.

He's silent until he's sure Ushahin is done, at least for the moment, and takes another few seconds to gather his thoughts before speaking.]

I'm sorry, for what you've been through.

[It isn't pitying; he means it genuinely, and he wishes that things had been different.]

I can't imagine what you've experienced, but I want to help you in any way I can.

[If that's what Ushahin wants, anyway. He's being honest about that as well, at least for the most part; there is a portion of Ushahin's story that he can imagine very well, but he carefully chooses not to go there especially considering Ushashin's stated ability to read minds.]

[He catches just a little of Lance's thoughts, just enough to know that his compassion and empathy are genuine. Perhaps this is one of the reasons Ushahin had sought him out. He has always appreciated honesty in people and could sense very well when a person's intentions are genuine. This man, he knows, wants to help. Whether or not the half-man has already gone beyond that point is anyone's guess.]

I wish to better myself. When I arrived here, it was after losing everything and everyone dear to me. I didn't much care about trying to get along with those around me. I ended up being unnecessarily cruel to many when there was no need, though I didn't always mean it.

[His greatest regret was how he'd invaded his neighbors' thoughts far too often. While he had finally reached a turning point with Sans and had put forth effort with others in the cave, he'd never be able to do the same with Newt and Hermann. He could only hope wherever they'd gone to after this was better than what they'd experienced over the past couple of years.]

But there was a turning point several months ago. Doubles of us appeared in the city. Mine and I ended up mutually killing each other, but not before I saw what I could become if I truly decided to give into darkness, and become the monster everyone saw me as. Since then, I have strived to do better. It is...difficult.

[An understatement if ever there was one. Ushahin could no longer stop the thoughts that filtered through his mind than he could've stopped the sun from rising. After a lifetime of doing precisely what he wanted with his powers, reining them in was the hardest thing he had ever done. Always, the temptation to just take the easy route, and learn what he wanted to about others by force was always there.]

[Again he's silent for as long as Ushahin talks, until he's sure he's finished, taking in and trying to sort out everything he's hearing. The specifics, just as before, might be entirely outside the realm of what he's used to--murderous doubles, being killed and still being here to talk about--the general ideas and underlying concepts are understandable. The sentiments that Ushahin is expressing are something Lance can work with.

He speaks up after a moment, organizing his thoughts, tone even and certain.]

As difficult as it might seem, you've already done the hardest part.

[He thinks that's important to lead with.]

Deciding to change, and taking the first step to do so, is far easier said--or thought about--than done.

[Without truly wanting to make a difference in oneself it's just not possible, no matter the external factors. But when the will is there, having support helps and he's intent on figuring out the best way to provide it.]

Is there a particular part of this change that you're struggling with the most?

[He listens and there is no small part of him that is relieved to hear that all he has been doing is not for nothing. He's really not sure about whether or not what he's trying to accomplish here is even a goal that's within his grasp.

Ushahin finally moves, leaning forward, and lacing the fingers of his hands together, both the whole and the crooked.]

The boundaries of others. Going so long without respecting them, I find it hard to know where they lie now.

[Not entirely a problem specific to a psychic, so at least Sweets will have something to work with.]

[Lance is glad to see Ushahin moving a bit; he isn't sure if the earlier stillness was normal for him, especially since he's not entirely human, or if it's an indicator of nerves or stress, but either way he's glad to see the movement.

The answer is indeed surprisingly... Mundane, almost, and one that Lance has a lot of experience with considering his girlfriend has had this same issue herself. He nods, encouragingly.]

That's a really common problem, even for people without your circumstances. It's even more confusing because boundaries vary wildly depending on the individual.

[And figuring them out can be tricky, even for someone very adept at social cues and interaction.]

Usually it's better to err on the side of caution, though, and there are a few general rules that typically apply to most people. If we discuss them, do you think it's a reasonable goal to try to work on this particular issue for a little while, until our next session?

[Provided Ushahin wants a next session, of course. But Lance finds it's usually best to not overdo a session, especially an emotionally draining one, and also not to give too much 'homework' so the patient has a better chance at succeeding in the goals they set before the next meeting comes around.]

[There's just the trace of a smile on Ushahin's face as he listens. There's something about the expression that softens the hard, jagged edges of his broken face, making them look less terrible. It's so nice to have someone he can confide in, even as old as he is. Even immortals need someone to talk to occasionally.]

That would be reasonable.

[Having something to work towards instead of stumbling blindly on his own is heartening to the immortal psychic. He's doing his best here, but he's still going to need a lot of help to get to a point where he feels he's no longer as invasive as he could be.]

[Lance smiles as well, encouragingly.]

Okay, great. We'll start with some basics regarding physical boundaries, and then mental and emotional because they're more complicated.

[And probably the area Ushahin needs most guidance on, he's thinks, considering the whole psychic thing and what he's already said.]

For physical boundaries, it comes mostly down to two things: space, and contact. Most people like to maintain a distance of at least five feet, although eight is better if you're strangers. For friends the distance is less, but four feet is generally a good rule for now.

[Because it's very context dependent, and so for Ushahin it's better to go with a specific number for now.]

As far as physical contact goes, it's best to avoid it entirely for now unless someone else initiates.

[Ushahin listens, and for the first time in a long while, he decides to adhere to the boundaries that someone else has set out for him, instead of just the ones he's come up with for himself.]

I shall strive to remember. When one is raised by wolves, boundaries such as that are not as readily made clear.

[The Were had been many things to Ushahin, but teaching him any limits either physically or what he could do mentally had not occurred. They had encouraged him to develop his abilities and learn not to care about who he might have hurt in the process.]

I'd imagine.

[It's a little flat, but not sarcastic; being literally raised by wolves is... Definitely a good excuse for being unclear about boundaries, honestly.]

Emotional and mental boundaries are a little harder to give you some rules for, though. A lot of it is going to come down to your own judgement, and from paying attention to the person you're speaking to. Do you have any skill in reading tone or body language?

[He'd expect not a lot, considering both the wolves thing and the whole 'being a psychic' one, but he doesn't want to assume. It might be something Ushahin picked up somewhere along the line anyway, especially in his time here.]

A little bit, mostly in reading their tone. Though I must confess, it's much easier just to pick up what people mean when you can tell what they're really thinking.

[He's relied on it a long time so that he can rectify the difference between what people tell him and what they really mean. So many people lie, whether intentional or unconsciously, so that Ushahin has come to distrust most new interactions.]

But my friends here, those I am close to, I find no need for it. I can tell things more easily with them.

[That's actually a more positive answer than he'd expected, and he nods again; they can work with this.]

Good; then you know what you need to start. It might be difficult, especially with people you aren't familiar with, but try to stick with just reading body language and tone and using that to tell when you're overstepping your bounds. It's also perfectly fine to ask someone if you're unsure if you're upsetting them or prying too much; even if you've already crossed a line and are unaware of it, asking shows you didn't do it with any ill intent. That's important to people.

[Asking for clarification is one of those things people are often too unsure about to actually do, but it's incredibly useful.]

Most of the time, emotional and mental boundaries have to do with sharing information. Generally, let people share what they want to with you, instead of asking or pressing for information; there are some exceptions to this, of course, but for now it's a good rule.

[And probably enough to focus on for now. He also feels he should add something else, though; Ushahin probably has already mostly figured this out, but it ties into the mental and emotional boundaries subject well enough that now is a good time to mention it.]

The reason why your psychic abilities are considered so invasive to others is that it doesn't give them the choice of what to share and what to keep to themselves. Maintaining that control over your own thoughts and feelings is incredibly important, and sometimes it's all that someone has control of.

[Ushahin listens intently to the information he's given. He's never really had to ask permission for people's boundaries before. Always, he'd merely taken what he wanted from their heads. To do so otherwise would be a novel experience if nothing else. He didn't know how long he would be able to keep it up for, but it was worth at least trying to do what was right.]

I shall strive to do as you have suggested. Though it is...difficult, sometimes, to keep such rules in mind. The temptation to search out what a person is really thinking is a strong one, especially when they lie. I don't like liars.

[His fractured eyes glitter, and for the first time, there's a glimpse of the darkness that makes up Ushahin's mind.]

And then sometimes I can't keep the voices out no matter much I try to keep them at bay.

002 [Video]

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