hadriel | [voice]

[Glacius lifts his head out of its despondent hanging when Carlisle continues, cold anger on behalf of his partner bleeding into his features. The gall of this abomination to come into the clergyman's former home-- to invade his privacy, to strip it of the sense of security that it provided, to level such threats. It is the most disgusting kind of extortion the alien has ever heard of.

And yet... he's somehow not surprised that Carlisle agreed to it, even knowing his dislike of undeads and anything associated with them. His partner has accepted his death in certain terms--a rankling reminder for Glacius whenever his partner speaks so casually about it-- and yet simultaneously remains terrified of it on others. It doesn't take much to deduce that being drained slowly and painfully by a vampire--possibly to be raised as its thrall--falls under the latter.

What Glacius is surprised to hear is that last bit. So this... has been going on right underneath his nose, hasn't it? It's possible that the vampire had been sent home and their bargain thusly closed before they started living together--and became closer still--but somehow... the alien knows that isn't it. He's seen the evidence, he just now has the final piece of the puzzle that lets him put it all together in his head.] Once a month... so this is... this why you used to get so run down so regularly. Isn't it..?

[Glacius trails off, giving Carlisle a chance to further explain himself rather than berating him for his months of lying. Even though a part of him very much could... he doesn't want his partner to become afraid of telling him the truth for fear of scathing repercussion, he can guess that this has all felt terrifying and awful enough for the human, and perhaps most importantly--he's sure that his partner can detect the hurt frustration in his features, close and familiar with each other as they have become. All the alien has wanted to do is look out for the clergyman, and--just like in other cases--he's been prevented from doing that. How is he supposed to be a good partner and protector when even the one he loves confounds his efforts?]

[Carlisle nods as Glacius puts pieces into place in his mind, a far clearer explanation as to why Carlisle used to come home so worn sometimes finally presenting itself.]

He never came to the apartment after I moved there, and yet, I was afraid he would. I was- I was warned not to speak of the agreement we'd made, nor tell anyone of his existence. I... I always wanted to tell you, but—

[His nose wrinkles sharply as his expression twists with self-disgust, his fingers curling the rest of the way as his hands ball into fists. He can practically feel his partner's disappointment in the air between them, its presence heavy, stifling like a woolen blanket.]

I thought of him clouding your mind, as he did mine, trapping you in a world of illusion. I was so sure I would awaken one day and find Emily turned into a servant of the undead, or you, drained of your entire being, and I... I couldn't do it. I was afraid, Glacius. I was afraid to lose what had become so precious to me in this vile place... and so I kept my word. Every twentieth day, I met him in my garden and let him drink of me. My goddess would not smile upon those who would offer themselves to such monstrous aberrations, and yet, I still prayed it would be enough to keep you safe.

So that is why you wanted the shed, too. Something I thought was for us... even it has been built in lies. [Glacius seems to lose words at this point, resigning himself to breathing so deep it almost seems labored; he steeples his fingers in front of his face as he closes his eyes and tries to reign his various emotions in. It's difficult--extremely so. He was never used to an amount nor intensity of them such as this before coming to Hadriel, but now it seems like every new month comes up with some way to test him.

It's only when he's sure that he's not going to lose his carefully maintained composure that he opens those glowing green eyes again, parting his hands and removing them from his face so that he may place them over the clergyman's balled fists.] Carlisle--listen to me. I know you were scared. I know you had good intentions--you always do. But you must understand: this deception only hurts us. I would rather face hoards of undead than have to doubt what of your words and reassurances I can trust, especially when your condition is as precarious as it is now. And I need to be allowed to stand beside you in times of difficulty. There is no reason you should have to go through this alone, not with a partner by your side. What good am I to you if I cannot see you safely through times of worry or distress?

You are better to me alive than dead, or possibly the thrall of some vampiric monster.

[He can't bring his eyes to meet Glacius, feeling hot, angry tears welling in them. Glacius can't trust him -- Glacius shouldn't trust him. He's known that all along, hasn't he? That everything he touches is either tainted by his curse, or by the failure he's always been. If only—

Carlisle presses his palm to his eye, trying so desperately to shut that thought out. It's not the truth, he chides inwardly. The person he so often can't trust is himself, his own beleaguered mind feeding more and more upon his guilt as it spirals out of control. It was so much easier to drown out his thoughts with liquor, but he vowed sobriety for Glacius. He is far from a perfect partner, but he is trying. Recognizing that himself is exceedingly difficult, it seems. He pulls in a deep breath, sighing as it escapes him.]

I'm sorry, Glacius. He has been gone for some time now, vanished before the new garden was even finished. I... thought it was nice. A fresh start of things without Shadow looming over me, or Armand and his trade of my blood for my friends. I thought it wouldn't matter any longer. You were safe, and I'd done my part, some small modicum of good in the sea of ineptitude and indignity.

Edited 2017-08-27 03:35 (UTC)

Make no mistake, Carlisle: lying matters. [Glacius murmurs this quietly but sternly, but ultimately seems to relent. He's always said he wanted to help Carlisle build a better life, one he can be happy with, and it won't do to help him get mired in what's gone wrong. He squeezes the human's hands carefully.] But... you have the right idea in wanting to leave all this behind. So just... keep it in mind moving forward.

[He wants to insist Glacius find someone more fitting; he wants to argue it was less of an outright lie and more of avoidance of the truth. He wants to rot in his guilt and succumb to the accursed misery he has brought upon himself with his faults. He deserves it, Carlisle thinks to himself.

But as Glacius relents, so does he. He promised he'd be a better partner, and he cannot do that if he continues to wallow in self-defeat rather than even try to fix the problem and make amends for his transgressions. His goddess would smile upon making amends, wouldn't she? Most of all, he must try to more forward, and cover as much distance in what time he has. He'd rather not be a liar in that regard, as well.

Carlisle nods, his own eyes still on his hands, his voice softer.]

I will, my friend. I never meant to hurt you, but I can see that I have all the same.

I am relieved that you understand that. [Blunt, but honest--the alien's usual way of things. Knowing that Carlisle understands the repercussions of his choices means that Glacius can be more assured he'll work to change them in the future. He sighs; there's no point in hammering this in any further when the lesson has already been learned. Time to change tactics; the alien lets out a tiny, tired little chuckle.] Looking out for people is not so easy, is it? Now you know what I go through on a day to day basis, whenever I put myself out there for the good of others. Am I going to wake up one day and have a stalwart defender on my hands? One of my hearts might give right out from sheer worry if you start getting up to too much selfless risk-taking.

[Glacius' comparison gets Carlisle's attention; the clergyman's eyes are bleary as he meets those of his partner, but he manages to muster up the barest of smiles.]

I will never have quite the bravery of you, love.

[He frees one hand to place it atop the ones that hold his other.]

I believe it is desperation that often motivates me, but... so long as I have you by my side, I am stronger than I ever was. I promise to be less foolhardy in what future we have together.

[And more honest, both with his partner and himself.]

Maybe not. But you still have more than you know. I... probably don't give you enough credit for it. You make me stronger too, you see? [Glacius responds, allowing Carlisle to hold his hands for a moment before maneuvering one to the back of his partner's head, tucking it forward to rest against his own. He's always moved when he sees tears in the clergyman's eyes; he never has to worry about whether or not his partner is taking things to heart.]

So we'll both be careful. We'll both hold on, and work together to get through whatever threats may rise against us in this cave. And then one day we'll make it to somewhere better, and all of this worry and sorrow and stress won't... matter any more.

Edited 2017-08-27 04:52 (UTC)

[Carlisle takes much to heart when it comes to Glacius: his kindness, his encouragement, and even his actions now as the alien rests his great hand in his hair and leans him forward, their foreheads connecting in that sign of solidarity that Carlisle has come to treasure. He's constantly grateful that Glacius is far more patient with him than Carlisle ever is with himself. Despite those rare moments where the alien's fervor seems so like that of Algidus, Carlisle is glad Glacius remains himself. After all, it's Glacius who holds Carlisle's heart with his own, protecting it as he nourishes the clergyman with affection, bringing out feelings of which Carlisle thought himself incapable at best, and undeserving at worst.

He rests his hand along Glacius' scar.]

I remember a time I asked you, in an inebriated fit of despair, why you remained with me. Despite my faults, and despite my failings, you are still here. Though I know your answer, I still wonder sometimes... but I am sincerely grateful. I want to believe we will leave here together.

We all have faults and failings, Carlisle--and yours are not the worst of them. It's good that you're learning from all of this, but... don't beat yourself up too much about it, alright? You've already been through so much. You still need to work on healing. [Glacius sighs, tilting his head against Carlisle's hand and letting his eyes settle shut for a moment. Then, they crack open to glowing green slivers, before the alien then opens them fully and levels a quiet smile at his partner.]

I believe that, I do. Still. Would it... help you feel better if I were to remind you why I remain beside you once more?

[Asking Carlisle not to berate himself is like asking a hibernating bear to awaken and move a little to the left, if he could: it'll take a lot of effort on the bear's part to get moving, he's convinced he won't necessarily enjoy the new circumstance any more than he would the previous one, and he's stubbornly certain he was fine where he was, even if he was sleeping on top of a jagged rock or two.

Carlisle doesn't like bear comparisons. Combearisons.

Regardless of the guilt he continues to rest in, he nods to Glacius' question, pressing his forehead as much against his partner's as he can. Given how quickly he can bury himself in self-deprecation, Carlisle is aware he sometimes needs to be reminded of how important he is to his partner, and how much they depend upon one another. It's not just him who needs the icy warrior's protection to feel safe, needed, important; they are in this together, as in all things. He need only remember that for strength.]

[Really, Carlisle? You don't think you would enjoy being even temporarily guilt-free more than the self-despairing predicaments you often find yourself in? Glacius would look for any way around calling you a defeatist... but you're not exactly giving himself a lot to work with here.

At least his steady self-blame isn't voiced; the only communication passed between them is that little nod, and combined with the clergyman's more adamant attempt to press his forehead to the alien's and seek solace that way, the message comes through loud and clear. Glacius purrs before finding his voice, which has a quiet but strong and earnest rumble to it.] I remain beside you because... I love you, Carlisle. And I love you because of all you have done for the people in your old life, in this city, for me. You offer guidance and healing. You would stand between me and any harm that might befall me in spite of your fears, which shows bravery, compassion, and loyalty. Everywhere you go, you touch the lives of people... I see it in the faces of your friends, but moreover I feel it in my hearts, for you have touched mine, too. To the point where I just could not imagine having to face it without you... [Glacius lets out another rolling rumble, threading his hands through Carlisle's hair, holding him tight and close.] Nor... would I want to.

[Carlisle closes his eyes, trying to bury his shame and guilt for the time being, focusing only on the compassion and reassurance Glacius offers him with his words and his body. It's difficult to see past his own poor self-worth sometimes: he's spent years not only cursed and therefore a failure of a human being, but also a failure of a Longinmouth, given his personality and profession. He could have been so much more, like the rest of his family.

But he's not, and rather than continuing to berate himself for it, he should try to accept how that's okay with his friends -- and most importantly, with Glacius. That should be enough, even though it feels as though it isn't at times. The amends he makes will never be enough; the time he has left with never be enough. Carlisle admits he is a greedy creature who doesn't accept his own shortcomings well, and tends to find respite in bitterness and defeat.

Glacius won't allow that kind of thought, though; besides, Carlisle can't find it in him to fixate on such sourness when his partner is showering him with affection. That is, perhaps, the point. He remains against Glacius a moment longer, smiling just a little.]

Thank you, my friend. It is with you I find hope enough to keep moving forward. We'll find a way to escape this place, and perhaps to manage my affliction... I promise you that.

[The point, indeed. Glacius is happy to see that his showering of genuine affections has worked, but it's what his partner responds with that really strikes him. The alien's eyes widen before a wide smile spreads across his features, one so intense that his cheekbones push up and his eyes seem to beam with happiness. A laugh wells up out of the alien's throat--a rare sound for the normally reserved alien indeed, but one that is genuine and full of joy.]

A promise, a promise! [He butts against Carlisle again, running a hand down the back of his head as his glowing green eyes stare brightly into the human's. He knows that Carlisle's own will can waver at times, so it's an absolute delight to hear him hold himself to something like this. It's also intensely refreshing for the clergyman to not simply roll over in the face of the affliction... it helps Glacius to actually believe all the things that he says about dealing with it. It lets him feel as though they have a chance--and perhaps that's to account for his sudden excitability, the way he's squirming uncharacteristically like an overexcited puppy.] You promised me. Now you can't go back, now you can't give up. I won't forget! We will be together for a long time.

[It's a rare occurrence when Carlisle openly makes a promise. He will claim he'll try, certainly; he may give his word about this or that. He is no stranger to avoiding the full truth and using what cleverness he can muster in conversation to diplomatically steer a topic in his favor. However, doesn't like to be made an outright liar, and tends to dabble in half-thruths to avoid such situations. It's harder to avoid his honesty with Glacius; his partner finds out everything in time (as he should) and reads right through his emotional facade. Moreover, Carlisle doesn't want to be dishonest with the being he's come to care for far more than he could ever care about himself or his appearances. It comes with habit rather than intent these days.

Glacius knows all this, of course. Glacius also knows the rarity of promises from the clergyman, and knows that Carlisle making one is as binding as that of an oath to his own goddess. And as the alien chuffs against him, the icy gusts frosting over his glasses, Carlisle knows that Glacius knows.

And that means he must make good on his word. No accepting defeat upon failure, as he has always done, and no deciding Glacius is better without him. No simply waiting for a death he has expected for some time, fading quietly into nonexistence while his partner suffers his loss. No dying as the Longinmouth who couldn't even attempt to keep a vow to his lover.

The fact he will be facing so many unknowns -- how to escape Hadriel, how to return Glacius to his world, how to return with Glacius, and how to even begin to manage the damage sustained by his very soul -- is beyond daunting, and terrifyingly so. He is not alone in this endeavor, though.

He brings both hands to the sides of Glacius' face, his slate eyes meeting the alien's glowing, green ones as Carlisle gives him a genuine smile to match.]

Together, as in all things.

[That genuine grin is nearly, if not evenly, as fulfilling and uplifting as the promise had been. Glacius stops squirming and settles in Carlisle's grasp, but he seems just as bright-eyed and eager as ever as the clergyman looks into his eyes.] Of course, my partner. Your commitment will not go unappreciated. I--I feel like we should celebrate, somehow. Do you think we should celebrate? This is worth it, right--this... newfound belief and dedication?

I believe it is, yes.

[Though he's frankly the sort to pass on most celebrations, he doesn't mind those with Glacius, and will take any excuse to be closer to his partner.]

And how would you like to celebrate, my friend?

I... I don't know! [Glacius replies, a brief laugh breaking forth form him.] What could be special enough for you..? I just don't know... [And now he seems to quiet down again, clasping his hands over his partner's, one on each side of his face.] I'm not sure if I have such a thing here in this cave. But I'll try my best to come up with something.

[It's Carlisle's turn to calmly grin as Glacius laughs, the alien being the flustered one of the two of them for a change. With his hands still under Glacius', he leans back on the couch, guiding Glacius down with him.]

Any time spent with you is special to me. It doesn't need to be some grand gesture.

[After all, he doesn't exactly have an abundance of time, and would prefer to enjoy what he has, if he can.]

We could relax here. Go for a walk. Visit the riverside. Or just get comfortable and see where the evening takes us.

Right, right... [Glacius murmurs, following Carlisle down, seeming to settle further--and yet a bashful little smile still colors his features as he settles over top of his partner.] Sorry, you've just made me so happy it's hard to think straight. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way, and... I know for a fact that I've never felt for anyone else what I now feel for you.

So I think... I'd just like the later, if that's alright, given that we're already here. Perhaps tomorrow we can go for a walk, but right now I just... want to... [And then, deciding it would be easier to just show rather than tell, the alien nudges Carlisle's chin with his forehead, trying to encourage him to tilt his head back into the pillow against the armrest so that he can graze the clergyman's neck with his mandible.]

[Say no more, Glacius. Carlisle obliges without a word, his neck arching backward as he feels the point of Glacius' mandible connect with his skin, pressing delicately against the curve of his muscles and jaw. He adjusts his leg behind the alien, trying to keep his feet off the couch -- it's impolite, after all -- as he leans into the pillow behind him.

He lets out a contented hm, clearly enjoying the attention as he finds his voice again.]

To hear I'm the only one who has made such a traveler feel this way is quite an honor.

Good--that's the point. Of course, I suppose there is always more I could say... [Glacius lavishes the whole length of his partner's neck with slow, attentive alien kisses, breathing deeply and slowly as he takes in the comforting scent and closeness of the clergyman. Ladling praises onto his partner while he soaks up his physical adoration seems like it would be a nice way of showing that deeply-coursing appreciation for the promise he'd made earlier, so he continues:] You are an attentive teacher, dedicated to your craft; you are resourceful and caring, you skill with magic is wondrous to behold, and you are the most talented healer I have ever met. I simply could not ask for a better partner than you.. and I am humbled that I have crossed all these worlds to be brought into your presence.

And how many healers have you met, might I ask?

[He does ask that playfully, a smile crossing him as Glacius rakes against his neck with more fervor. His fingers curl against the alien's neck as he tries to keep himself from getting too wound up too quickly.]

Do you even have a fair basis for comparison, given how few you would let near you?

So obstinate. [Glacius chuckles, laying a particularly adamant kiss as if in "punishment".] Doesn't that only prove my point? If you're one of the few I'd let near me, then clearly you are doing something right, no?

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