hadriel | 007 [Video]

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007 [Video]

[Like the last few posts that have occurred, this is also clearly in regards to the Null's latest announcement; however, Lance is trying a different tactic, because he's doing his best to avoid getting kicked out of seeing their list. So he's wording this very carefully, and that's purposefully obvious in his tone; it's also probably pretty obvious in how intent his stare is, and in how he's casually fiddling with his FBI badge in view of the screen.

He's really hoping the Null aren't too good with subtle body language, and that the people here aren't as generally bad at it as he's concerned they are.]

In light of recent occurrences, I'd like to remind everyone that I'm a psychologist, and I have an office in the clinic should anyone wish to speak confidentially. Additionally, although I prefer to work with individuals, group meetings are also possible.

[Aka the Clinic is available for anyone who wants to have private conversations about all of this going on, and Lance will be lurking there himself both to participate and keep watch on things.]

[[ooc: Feel free to jump right to action threads, to do multi-person threads, threadjack on the network or in person, etc!]]

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[Lance nods at that, finding it unsurprising.]

That's very normal, but there's only so far it extends. Lashing out initially might be very difficult to control and will take practice, but continuing afterward becomes less and less about an instinctive reaction and more about not wanting to stop yourself.

[He can easily understand someone who is not used to having to control themselves losing it briefly; it's just a human reaction, even if it's an undesirable. But that's something that has to learn to be controlled, and beyond it there's still no real excuse for.]

[Not wanting to stop.

Yeah, Ephemera thinks. That sounds right. Getting lost in the rage, letting it just happen. He did that for a long time in prison. Stayed utterly silent and solitary unless he was getting into a fight. Just waiting for an opportunity. Biding his time. Sometimes the guards bribed him with paper and charcoal so he'd stop beating them up and he'd feel like a person for a little while. It never lasted.

And now he's here.

Ephemera exhales slowly.]

How do you remember that?

[He looks away briefly.]

People are...difficult.

[Lance feels some level of sympathy, because he likes Ephemera well enough, but it's necessary to find the fine line here; he can't be too understanding, because this is absolutely not something that should be justified away by any means. Even if it's just an argument or something like that now, Lance has seen far too many times what happens when someone won't control their anger, whether they truly believe they can't or just want to use that as an excuse.

But being too harsh won't help either, and so he picks his words carefully.]

It's very rare to actually, for lack of a better term, 'black out' due to anger, fear, or otherwise. In almost all other cases, you're still thinking about what you want to do.

[He hesitates again briefly.]

You're clearly able to control your emotions when you choose to; I find it unlikely that you wouldn't be able to resist acting in anger if you were in a situation where you truly needed to do so. I also doubt it never crosses your mind that you should.

[Therefore it's ultimately up to Ephemera to listen to that voice in his head; there's nothing Lance can tell him that will make him remember to do so, because Lance really doesn't believe remembering is the real problem at all.]

[Ephemera gives Sweets a thin smile. Nothing he's saying is wrong.]

Haven't been around people for a long time. And when I did see them, talk with them, anything like that, I was--angry. All the time.

[And now he's here.]

Think it was easier. Just feeling one thing. But I can't do that here.

You seem to be doing pretty well, all things considered, aside from the anger issue.

[He means that; there are a lot of things that worry him about Ephemera's behavior, but there are also several people here who are a lot worse.

He's quiet several seconds, again considering what to suggest next; he has an idea, but it's one that he's not sure he's willing to commit to because it could be a risk. After a little time weighing the pros and cons, he decides to ask another question.]

Is there anything in particular that makes you the type of angry that gets out of hand, as opposed to being only annoyed or irritated?

[Ephemera hums, a noncommittal answer. He's here now and there are people he cares about. And if he wants to be a person around them, an actual person and not a monster in armor, then he has to change.

Even if he fucks it up. Constantly.]

Washington.

[There's no hesitation. Ephemera feels his mouth twitch.]

...Okay, sure, but what specifically? Do you think you would only get to that point of anger if it had to do with Washington, or could it happen in another situation?

[Because it's difficult to work on the specific issue if it can't be narrowed down a little more.]

[Ephemera twitches unhappy, fists clenched tight. He forces his hands to relax. Breathe.]

If someone threaten my people, then. Yeah.

[He sucks in a harsh breathe.]

Do I flip out if people cheat me at cards or shit like that? No. Last CO I had drove me up the goddamn wall. Little bastard never. Stopped. Talking. But I deal. That stuff doesn't matter.

Then you're likely in a lot more control of your temper than you think you are.

[Because that sort of thing definitely sets off people who aren't, if they even need that much excuse. Some don't even bother.]

Is there something you think you'll accomplish by getting angry when someone threatens your people?

[As usual, it's a genuine question.]

[Ephemera blinks, surprised.]

That's the first time I've heard that one.

[He's not sure what to think of that just yet.]

'course. Anger's useful. Keeps you going even if your enemy's stronger or faster. Keeps your people alive.

[He'll just let him think about that first part, while focusing on the second.]

It also limits your ability to reason, and makes you predictable. Easy to manipulate as well.

[Ephemera tips his head to the side.]

How you figure that?

[He shrugs.]

People who are angry don't think clearly; you said it yourself, that you hyper-focus on the target. If someone purposefully provokes you they could take advantage of that.

[And that's just one option.]

They could also attempt to draw you into a confrontation in order to use it against you at a later point, or even just to give them an excuse to harm you or someone you care about under the guise of self-defense.

[And he's still going--]

People also say things they shouldn't when they're angry, so if they wanted some sort of information and were even moderately talented at dealing with people it's very easy to make a conversation heated and then turn the subject to what they want to know.

[He can come up with more, but he'll stop there for now.]

[It's a strange feeling to reevaluate a core philosophy. Even before he was Sharkface, anger had always been a close friend of Ephemera's. It kept him moving after the UNSC betrayed his team, all the shit the Covenant dropped on them, everything that was ever in front of him and needed to be crushed. He'd liked it, the clarity of focus, that need to just keep pushing regardless of consequence, until finally someone won. Ephemera's been shot before, broken bones, and got right back up again because he was pissed. The only reason he made it out of that mess in the warehouse with the twins was because of his anger, his rage; it kept him going, kept him focused when even the twins - older and more experienced - lost their center.

Sharkface was nothing but anger and buried grief. Sharkface hadn't been a person at all. He knows that now.

And all that anger, all that rage - what does it get him, at the end?

Ephemera is quiet for a long moment, thinking it over.]

It kept me alive. Being angry.

[He's not angry all the time, here. It's strange.]

Then I met--people, here. [One person in particular, who started it.] I want to be better, for them. A whole person.

[Lance is quiet while Ephemera thinks it all over, and the response is an encouraging one; he'd been slightly concerned how Ephemera might take all of that, honestly, and when people's outlooks are challenged they can react unpredictably. But what he actually says is one of the best things Lance could've hoped for, really.]

Anger does that; that's the point of it, like fear. But as it seems you already know, when you let it be the only thing you have then you risk losing what makes staying alive worth it.

[Anger is not usually Lance's go-to emotion, but he had his phases as a teenager and understands it well enough both personally and clinically. But it's something that's really only beneficial in the very short term; any longer and it begins to just be a crutch to avoid dealing with the real issues underneath.

He has a distinct guess at who at least one of the people Ephemera is talking about might be, but doesn't mention that. Instead--]

I think you're closer to achieving that than you might realize. You'll be even more so if you can hold onto that goal as your main motivation, especially when you're considering doing something you might later regret.

[A survival instinct, almost. Ephemera nods just once. He doesn't say that Sharkface had understood that, that being alive hadn't been the point so much as waiting for an opportunity to avenge his family. Trying to exist without them hurt too much, so he changed. Became something that didn't care about anything except finding his enemies and tracking them down one by one.

The anger had been good for that. A comfort in some ways. Something that promised, tomorrow, you'll get them when the grief threatened to drown him.

It's not like that now. Washington already killed him, anyway.]

I don't want to lose them.

[The people he's found here.

Ephemera watches Sweets for a moment, expression somber.]

Thanks, Doc. I've got some stuff to think about.

[Lance nods, looking back at him just as seriously, but he's also hopeful; the change doubtlessly won't be immediate, but he believes Ephemera honestly wants to work toward it and that's very much the most important thing.]

You're welcome. I hope it helps you, and I should be here a lot the next few days if you need to speak again.

[Or he can call him, but he thinks he already knows that.]

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007 [Video]

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