hadriel | 008 [Video]

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008 [Video]

[So the fighting may be over, but that doesn't mean everything is going to be immediately fine. Finally having the time to really think about everything that's happened, and for everything to sink in, is going to make the next few days and weeks just as much of a challenge for some here as the last have been, if not more so.

But that is, hopefully, something he can help with, if at least a little. And there are new arrivals as well, who not only had to deal with the end of the invasion but also everything that goes along with suddenly finding themselves in an entirely new world, not to mention the sudden setting change too.

So he's trying to look as composed and calm as possible, which is a bit of a struggle since--like pretty much everyone else--he's exhausted and didn't get out of the whole ordeal with the Null entirely unscathed. Compared to some people he definitely fared better, but there's still a pretty obvious bruise across his cheekbone and around his eye; it's not too serious, but the main problem is that it's also not very helpful in looking as professional and put together as he's trying to appear.

Still, he's doing his best, and he lifts his chin a little and takes a deep breath before speaking.]

If anyone is injured, or just in need of somewhere safe to rest, the hot springs and the fire station are both serving as temporary locations for the clinic. Additionally, considering the seriousness and extent of everything that's happened in the last few weeks as well as the arrival of new people, it's worth reiterating that I'm a psychologist and so if anyone wants to talk, whether about recent events or otherwise, I'm available to meet.

[A short pause.]

I'm... Not exactly sure where, since my office doesn't exist anymore, and I probably should've thought about this before making this announcement...

[That would've been good planning, if he weren't so tired and scattered, but okay, refocus--]

But that can be decided on an individual basis. Additionally, if you'd like to respond privately, you can do so.

[And he includes a brief explanation of how to make a conversation private. With all of that out of the way, he'll put a filter on the post himself and add another message.]

[Private to friends and coworkers]

I hope you're all okay, and... If anyone who wants to let me know for sure that they are, that would be great.

[He's worried about everyone. :c]

[[ooc: Anyone on the Clinic staff list or who has positive CR will be included in this filter; feel free to assume your character's included if they and Lance know each other and are on good terms!]]

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[Yeah, he needs to sit down after all, if only to make it harder to do things like that. Michael mumbles something that might be an apology before moving to place himself on Lance's couch. He folds his hands on his lap, to try and keep them occupied with each other, like they have minds of their own.

Limited time, yeah, that's what he's hoping. Even if he has to die to reset or something, so be it. He can't live with this indefinitely, it'll drive him crazy. And maybe hurt someone.]

I've kept it in check so far, kind of, but I don't know how long I can keep that up.

[He's had kind of a bad track record of self-control, and he knows it.]

I'm just so fucking angry and I don't know where to put it. It's like there isn't room for it all.

[It's a relief that Michael sits down, because that makes him a little less threatening, and Lance moves to a suitable place to continue talking but still be able to maintain a little distance.

He nods again at what Michael says, thinking it over for a moment. It seems... Kind of ridiculous to use anger management strategies--which are so incredibly mundane--to treat something cause by a supernatural being screwing up a resurrection, but he isn't sure there are a lot of other options.

But before that, he decides to ask another question first.]

I saw your hands; have you been hitting something? Does that help at all with the anger?

[Because if he can be set up with something to punch that isn't going to hurt him, and that actually gives him any benefit, then that's a potentially simple method of providing an outlet that can be done almost immediately, while working on the more mental strategies.]

[Michael's first instinct is to be defensive, but Lance isn't accusing him, he's just asking a question. It's fine. Calm down.]

It helps in the moment, I guess, but then I feel bad about it.

[Probably because he keeps breaking his stuff. And other peoples' stuff. Normally he's the kind of person that apologizes to a chair when he bumps it, so shattering dishware and mirrors is not making him feel great.]

It's not like, a thing I do when I'm frustrated, I just do it without thinking.

[Except when he manages not to, which is thankfully most of the time. For now.]

If there's something you can keep with you, or at least at your house, that is harmless to hit--such as a pillow or punching bag--then that might provide some help short term. It's not a great long-term solution, but for now it might be useful especially if you're feeling overwhelmed by the anger.

[Getting out aggression in a way that doesn't hurt anyone can be beneficial in a lot of ways. But as far as more long lasting solutions go, that usually involves getting at the underlying cause of the anger, which... May or may not even be possible, if it's really an issue caused by a faulty resurrection. He's also a little hesitant to suggest the idea in general.]

You want me to carry a pillow around?

[He sounds grumpy but it's kind of a good idea. He should at least have something at hand that won't hurt anybody if he snaps. But Lance said "short term", and the truth of that is pretty obvious. He doesn't really want to ask, but-]

I guess that might help sometimes, but what about the long term? This kind of feels like a bomb waiting to go off. What happens when pillows aren't enough?

[Maybe that was a stupid thing to say. (His filter has sort of degraded, too, he's noticing.) And he hasn't even gotten to the part about the monster, which he's not even sure he should bring up at all. He's at least going to have to ease into it.]

Maybe not a pillow when you're outside the house, but something along the same lines that you can take out aggression on. Something like a hacky-sack, which you can throw but isn't likely to hurt anyone or anything.

[Stress balls would also be good, but probably less likely to find. And okay, well, with that question he supposes he's going to have to just say it.]

Normally, managing anger issues effectively in the long term requires handling the underlying issue causing it. Even if your emotions are being amplified, as long as they're not coming from somewhere else entirely this method should still work.

[But, probably obviously, this is somewhat new territory.]

[Ah, okay, there it is. The underlying issue.]

That's... maybe going to be complicated.

[It's not like there isn't any underlying issue. Michael's not that self-unaware. He's had some anger problems in the past, but not for like, a decade at this point. There's no way that this much rage has nothing to do with the literal man-eating monster in his head. The glowing eye thing can't be a coincidence.]

I think maybe this is coming from somewhere else, just not the gods. Were you, uh, around me at all during the Null attack?

[A nice way of asking if he saw the screeching hellbeast.]

Intermittently.

[And he saw a whole lot of weirdness that he didn't really have time to question; the situation was such a chaotic mess from the start of the invasion to the finish, so anything that ended up helping the people here fight the Null just kind of got a pass from him at the time.]

I saw some sort of creature, but I can't say anything really more specific.

[As far as the subject goes, anyway; his attention had been elsewhere most of the time.]

[Some sort of creature, that's a good place to start.]

The big, black, bony thing, with the glowing eyes?

[He pointedly turns his very similar eyes in Lance's direction.]

That's mine, kind of. We're sort of... cohabiting.

[And now they might be cohabiting his emotions as well as his body.]

I didn't really see its eyes, but yes.

[Lance had tried not to look at the thing too much; it was terrifying, honestly, and as much as Lance has gotten used to the sorts of events that happen here, sometimes it's just a little overwhelming. The Visitor was one of those things, and so the few times he did catch sight of it he gave it as much distance as possible.

But the point of mentioning its eyes is clear enough, especially with the rest of what Michael says, and Lance nods cautiously. Okay. Well, that's... Creepy, and not something Lance necessarily knows how to handle, but he's going to try to help as much as he can.]

Do you think that's the reason for your current difficulties? That it's the... Being cohabiting with you that's actually angry?

[Michael relaxes- if only infinitesimally- when Lance doesn't get Weird about the ghost monster thing. Step in the right direction. He doesn't know if he could trust someone who looked at him like he was dangerous. Even if that... sort of is the smart reaction.]

I'm the one who's getting angry, because it's not over stuff that it would get angry about.

[At least he's pretty sure the Visitor wouldn't care much about a chipped mug. Unless it somehow murdered someone.]

I think they're my emotions, but it's the one overreacting. Or maybe we both are? God, I don't know. It's like the lines got blurry.

[This is... So incredibly outside of Lance's realm of expertise, but he's still determined to figure something out.]

Can the two of you communicate in any way?

[Because if so, that might make things easier.]

And do you know what calms it down? If you're able to do so, it may be easier to discern how much of the anger is coming from it and how much is your own.

[And therefore easier to develop and implement a strategy for managing it.]

[Oh. Oh buddy. Bad question. Michael can do the first one, at least.]

Not really. We can hear each other, but it doesn't use words. It's kind of like talking to a dog. And besides that, it's been... weirdly quiet since.

[Since he died, that is. When he hears the other question, he feels like he should be careful about answering it. He should take his time, maybe. But fuck it, everyone already knows, and he is fresh out of patience.]

I know what calms it down but you don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to do it. It's kind of what I came here to avoid, honestly.

[There, at least he made it through without saying the word "murder" even once. Lance is smart. He can read between lines, probably.]

[He can't exactly guess specifically from how limited his information is, but he definitely gets the general idea. So okay, that particular strategy is out.]

Alright, then unfortunately that means you're going to have to focus only on controlling your own part of things. If they're truly your emotions but it's amplifying them, then that might not be as difficult as it seems. Is there any pattern to what sort of things make you more angry than others? You said earlier that you were getting easily frustrated by even small events; is that usually the cause of the anger, or can other things bring it on as well?

[Hmm. He'll give this question a couple moments of thought.]

It's usually other people that make it the worst. That first day I think I broke stuff because I didn't have a handle on what was happening, but now it's when someone says something and I take it the wrong way, or they do something that would just be kind of irritating before. It just makes me want to-

[He refrains, somehow, from making the strangling gesture he was going to. In poor taste, perhaps.]

[Yeah, the restraint is unknowingly appreciated, and Lance concentrates on trying to think of what can be done with that answer.]

Are you able to recognize at the time that your reaction is unusual, or only afterward?

I guess sometimes I know I'm being irrational. But other times I just snap, or I'm so caught up in it that I can't think straight.

[It's the instability that's part of the problem. Granted there are... many parts to this problem.]

[Lance's usual advice--and the advice given in general for handling anger issues--are not necessarily fair in this situation, so he's kind of struggling to come up with something that will both work and not be an unrealistic expectation. So he nods a little, asking another question.]

In those latter times, is there any sort of common factor? A subject or topic, or the way someone says something, or if they press an issue beyond a certain point?

[There, yeah, that's it. Lance lands on something the clicks. A commonality.]

That, yeah. If they push it too far, if they don't stop. The longer something goes on, the more I'm likely to go off. And when people try to talk down to me, it's even worse. Before, I could just ignore it, but now it's like I can't.

That's difficult to put up with even without being in your particular situation.

[His tone isn't totally scathing, but it's still clear that he understands this struggle. He gets talked down to a lot here.]

Does it make an difference if the conversation is in text, over the phones, or in person?

[It's not difficult if you just pretend it isn't happening and avoid having feelings about it! Too bad that totally healthy coping mechanism isn't an option anymore.]

In that order, really. It's worse if we're in person, because it means I'm more likely to- Well. Do something.

For the former two situations, a simple solution--even if it's another short-term one--is to just end the conversation. Don't worry about being rude or anything, just turn off your phone.

[Because at this point, in this situation, it's more important to keep things calm than to worry about manners, especially during a disagreement.]

In person it's more difficult, but leaving a conversation may be a good choice then as well. If you're already consciously concerned about the possibility of losing control in an in-person conversation, finding the motivation to leave may be easier than it sounds.

[Oh.]

Right, okay, I feel kind of stupid for not thinking of that before.

[It's not said with any serious self-deprecation. He doesn't really think he's an idiot, just wow, good job self.]

What if they follow me, though? Or what if the other person messages me again?

[He hasn't practiced disengaging, so he doesn't know how likely it is to happen.]

Edited (words) 2018-01-17 08:36 (UTC)

[Lance is honestly just really glad he takes this so well; he'd been concerned the solution would've been so obvious that Michael would've already thought about and had a reason why it wouldn't work, and that would make him angry.]

If they message you again you can either put your phone somewhere you can't see it, or write really scathing responses that you delete instead of sending. That can be pretty therapeutic.

[Lance may or may not do that occasionally.]

As for following you, that's more of an issue. Most people aren't going to bother, especially if you make it clear you need time to calm down; just tell them you're going for a walk, and then don't come back. If they do actually continue to follow you, however, you should tell them directly that you're worried you'll lose your temper.

[And the person will then, hopefully, back off. And if they don't, they've at least been fairly warned.]

Is that what you do? Writing and deleting things?

[He normally would regret saying that, but regret's not his strong suit right now. Oops. Maybe he just doesn't want to feel like he'd be the only one doing it.]

I'll try to walk away, I'll try to stop talking, but sometimes, in the moment, it's hard to think about anything else. It's like I get single-minded. Which makes sense, I guess, since that's... what it does.

cw: what could potentially count as suicidal ideation

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