hadriel | two ❀ voice

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two ❀ voice

[Adam is not terribly fond of posting on the network, where anyone can hear and respond, but this is kind of important. He doesn't sound nervous, just - very controlled as he jumps right into it.]

So, I know of at least a couple of people who were here in Hadriel before, left, and then came back. Neither of them have memories of their initial time here.

I'm interested in anyone else who's had the same thing happen, but - I guess this is also a warning. The Door must do something to us when we leave, something that makes us forget the things that happened here. It's up to you whether you think that's good or bad, but everyone deserves to know.

And if anyone has left and come back but does remember things, say something. So far this seems universal, but there's no way to be sure yet.

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[He looks at Ronan, a sidelong glance that takes in his posture, the faint flush on his pale skin, and it's going to take awhile before Adam can really believe that he's the one who can cause that sort of thing. It's a strange feeling, knowing that he, of all people, can throw Ronan off-balance a little. He likes it.]

I'll give you details someday. If you want.

[And he's pretty sure Ronan doesn't want that right now, which is good, because Adam doubts that he'd actually be able to. But someday, when they're more comfortable with each other - when they've figured things out - then, maybe. They haven't even talked about boundaries and caution and what they want. Adam can't push it too far. He accepts the change of subject that Ronan offers, leaving the rest behind, for the moment.]

Don't worry about that. I have plenty of other scars you haven't seen.

[His lips quirk at that, a touch bitter, but he's trying very hard to keep it light.]

Or I could tell you secrets. I think I could convince you I'm not one of your dreams.

[Ronan appreciates the shift in tone, even if the subject is a little less fun to think about. His gaze drops for a moment when Adam mentions his scars, and Ronan knows that someday he's going to memorize all of them, but it doesn't take the sting away from knowing that they're there, that there's more than the ones he already knows about.]

You're a smart guy. I'm sure you'd figure it out.

[As tempted as he is to ask for a secret now, Ronan reminds himself that if he did, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, and Adam would have one less venue to use to convince him.

Doesn't mean he's not tempted.]

Anything else you'd want to know- or not know? If you forgot everything, I mean.

[He rests his head back against his headboard for a moment, thinking.]

Everything. I'd want to know it all, even the bad parts.

[That should be no surprise. Adam isn't the type to accept gentle lies, omissions to make him feel better. He wants the truth, as painful or unpleasant as it might be. But then, gentle lies never really had a place in his life from the beginning. He wouldn't know how to react to them. He wouldn't believe them.]

But I know you'd be honest with me.

[If nothing else, he can always count on Ronan for that.]

What about you?

Everything.

[Ronan grins at Adam then, unable to hold back a small swell of satisfaction at that- that Adam wouldn't shy away from the unpleasant parts of this, that he'd want to know the blunt and real truth of it, just as much as Ronan would.]

It happened, right? [He nudges Adam with his elbow then, allowing a thin smile. It's good that they're both on the same page about this- and, part of him thinks, it's good that they can have this conversation. It's like being an organ donor or something- the question is impossible to ask when it's actually relevant.]

We might as well know it.

Exactly.

[He didn't really have much doubt that Ronan would feel the same as him, but it's an odd comfort to know for sure. He smiles, more in response to Ronan's grin and the way it makes his heart beat faster than for any other reason.]

Better to know, and figure out how to deal with it, than to walk around in ignorance.

[Adam can't blame Gansey for wanting to know everything, either, even if some of it is hard to talk about. It would be no easier for any of them, he thinks, but they'd all rather know.]

But I'd really prefer it if neither of us forgot anything.

[Ronan remembers seeing Adam smile once, months ago, and deciding that it looked good on him. That he didn't do it enough. At the time, he hadn't been vain enough to think that he could even want to be the cause of such an expression, not with any sort of regularity.

But he is here and now, and it fills him with an indescribable warmth.]

No shit.

[He leans in again, nudging his cold nose against Adam's cheek.]

I'd hate myself if I ever forgot this.

[He swallows a laugh - though Ronan has said nothing funny, sometimes the two of them, this affection, feels so impossible and incredible that it makes Adam want to laugh in disbelief. He raises a hand instead, to touch Ronan's cheek gently.]

I won't let you. Believe me, after everything, I'm not making us go through that again.

[Adam definitely doesn't have the patience for that, not when he knows how nice it can be.]

But you're not gonna forget, and neither am I.

[He nods at the promise, even though he knows that there's no way that Adam can ensure that it never happens. He believes it won't, which has to be enough for now- and besides, Ronan can't exactly dread anything horrific in their future when he has the warmth of Adam's fingers and the hard line of his jaw pressed against his skin.]

Never.

[Ronan promises it back. And the thing is, he doesn't lie- so they'll just have to make sure that it stays true. It's easier now to settle against him, and he eases down so he can rest his cheek against Adam's shoulder, after everything, just letting the calm of this moment bleed into his memory.

Whatever's there, he thinks, whatever happens to them- it's worth it, just for this.]

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