audio.

[ex_break829]

Man. Man. You guys are just, ahahah, just a riot. The guy tied to his bed, the guy trapped in his room, that one weird couple having a blow-out — like, hello, you know we can all see that, right? [ he gives a sigh-chuckle. ] Ahh, bandits.

Aaaanyway, just wanted to check in with everyone, say hi, introduce myself. It's Handsome Jack — yes, the Handsome is legally part of my name, yes, you can just call me Jack, though I will also respond to "sir" and occasionally, "daddy". Some of you have already met me: I'd do shout outs but I've mostlyyy, uh, forgotten all your names? Sorry, kids. Thanks for helping me kill those ugly titty monsters. There's always a job for you at Hyperion.

One last thing, promise I'll make it quick. Space travel. If you know shit about building something that can leave atmo, see me after class. If you know anything about what galaxy and sector we're in, raise your hand. If you're riding out in the desert on one'a these divine spirit quests and you think "boy, that old hunk of scrap looks like it could be useful in constructing a rocket!"? Gimme a call. There could be something in it for you.

Okay kids, that's all for now. Remember to check bloodflow to your partner's bound hands every hour so they don't lose 'em. Jack out.

Comments

[ex_break829]

Whaaat! You got me all wrong, kiddo. As it happens, I'm actually the world's best dad. Got the mug and everything.

[toiletseat_girl]

...don't call me kiddo.

[ex_break829]

No? You werrreeee ... George, right?

[ Congrats on being the only person whose name he's bothered to remember. ]

George. Georgie. That short for something?

[toiletseat_girl]

That would be correct.

[does she get a prize?]

Short for "Georgia," but nobody calls me that. Ever.

[ex_break829]

[ Yeah, the prize of not being called kiddo or sweetheart. There's a reason he likes all those pet names and it's not because he's nice. ]

Yeah, don't let anyone call you anything you don't wanna be called. Don't even tell 'em. If they see your ID say it's a system error.

[toiletseat_girl]

[she'll take it. being called "kiddo" annoys her and being called "sweetheart" would weird her the fuck out]

I don't let them. People call me "Georgia," I just ignore 'em.

[ex_break829]

That's the way to do it.

[ Spoilers his birth name is not Handsome Jack. ]

So I never asked, what did you do back home, George?

[toiletseat_girl]

[no! really? she's shocked, truly shocked!]

I was a Grim Reaper. How 'bout you?

[ex_break829]

Big time CEO, Hero of Pandora, father.

[ But like let's just go back for a sec. ]

Grim reaper... is that some kind of gang?

[toiletseat_girl]

Where's Pandora?

[she's curious, given his requests about space travel]

No, it's a Grim Reaper. As in, I take the souls of those who are about to die and send 'em on to the afterlife.

[ex_break829]

Just a little backwater planet on the Outer—

[ He breaks off from fondly stroking his hateboner for that shitty planet he basically ruled, to blink at her. ]

Hang on. Wait up. Did you just say the souls of the dead? Is that— is that what this place is, we're all dead??

[toiletseat_girl]

[awww, but she was curious about that hateboner!]

What? No. Not even close. Granted, some people came here after dying, but I assume that's some magic fuckery by the gods or the Door or some shit.

[ex_break829]

Yeah.... yeah. Someone said-- someone said the Door, probably, could do that. I dunno. Whatever.

[ It's not like he's a dead guy walking or anything. ]

So this was before. That's. I mean, I figured when you die you just, poof, you're gone, you rot.

[toiletseat_girl]

Well, however it works, it works. Never really cared enough to look into it much.

[she's a dead girl walking. the undead. though, not in a weird, creepy zombie way]

In your world? Maybe they do. In mine, people have souls that have to be taken before they can move on to whatever's next.

[ex_break829]

And that was your job, huh. So that mean you got to see a bunch of cool dead bodies?

[toiletseat_girl]

Yeah, that was my job. And I dunno how many of 'em were cool. I was assigned to murders, accidents, and suicides. So basically, all of the people who were gonna ask you to take it back. Which sucked.

[ex_break829]

And could you do that? Like, hey, sure, no worries bud, lemme just pop you right back into your hideously crushed body?

[toiletseat_girl]

[she laughs]

Nnnnnnnot even close. Which pissed 'em off. But hey, I don't make the rules.