audio.

[ex_break829]

Man. Man. You guys are just, ahahah, just a riot. The guy tied to his bed, the guy trapped in his room, that one weird couple having a blow-out — like, hello, you know we can all see that, right? [ he gives a sigh-chuckle. ] Ahh, bandits.

Aaaanyway, just wanted to check in with everyone, say hi, introduce myself. It's Handsome Jack — yes, the Handsome is legally part of my name, yes, you can just call me Jack, though I will also respond to "sir" and occasionally, "daddy". Some of you have already met me: I'd do shout outs but I've mostlyyy, uh, forgotten all your names? Sorry, kids. Thanks for helping me kill those ugly titty monsters. There's always a job for you at Hyperion.

One last thing, promise I'll make it quick. Space travel. If you know shit about building something that can leave atmo, see me after class. If you know anything about what galaxy and sector we're in, raise your hand. If you're riding out in the desert on one'a these divine spirit quests and you think "boy, that old hunk of scrap looks like it could be useful in constructing a rocket!"? Gimme a call. There could be something in it for you.

Okay kids, that's all for now. Remember to check bloodflow to your partner's bound hands every hour so they don't lose 'em. Jack out.

Comments

[murderpotato]

This is gonna be a public fuckin' service.

[It's basically community service, right? Shutting this asshole up through the vigorous rectal insertion of a firearm, but in like, not a kinky way. Gren is not going to call you daddy, Jack, he's older than you and also no.]

Hope you weren't real fuckin' attached to that gun, because where it's goin', you ain't gettin' it back.

[ex_break829]

Simmer down, daddy's too busy to play.

[ Hey, when you're damned if you do and damned if you don't ... ]

I got shit to do, don't make me shoot your other arm off.

[murderpotato]

[Oh, good, Gren's blood pressure has probably reached new highs. And he'd been doing so well with that lately.]

After seein' how many shots it takes you to fuckin' kill anything? I like my chances.

[Hyperion pistols suck okay.]

[ex_break829]

[ Screw you, Hyperion legendaries can have some sick stats, and Jack basically only touches a gun if it's orange. Though his Vision is definitely built to blow through bullets. ]

Hey, I didn't say I'd kill ya. Just dismember you a little, whaddya say.

[murderpotato]

I'd say I eat motherfuckers like you for breakfast.

[And that is... probably a lot more literal than Jack would expect, because it turns out old legends are kind of fucked up and have a lot of vore. Surprise?]

[ex_break829]

[ Jack is definitely, definitely biting off more than he can chew right now, especially with absolutely no resources to his name, but he still doesn't stop. He's having way too much fun. ]

FYI, big guy, I've learnt a thing or two about this place since you lent me that single hand. You kill me, and I am not gonna stop coming for you. I will bury you alive and then piss on your goddamn grave.

[murderpotato]

I would fuckin' love to see you try.

[Jack is an absolute fuckhead and yet this bullshit is probably the most entertaining thing he's done all day. He almost wants Jack to pull some shit just for the fun of it.]

Why don't you give it your best shot and we'll see if I even fuckin' feel it?

[ex_break829]

Uh uh, uh uh, don't put this on me. I'm not starting shit sweetheart, I'm a good law-abiding citizen tryna finagle a space program, I don't even really have time for a vendetta. Consider it a polite warning not to fuck with me.

[murderpotato]

Bullshit you are.

[He doesn't buy that law-abiding citizen schtick for a second. You're a stone-cold asshole, Jack, he can tell.]

But hey, I fuckin' get it. Saves you the embarrassment of admittin' that your mouth is writin' checks your ass can't cash.

[ex_break829]

[ A soft snarl of static as he exhales. ]

Hey, you fucking started it.

[ Because that's not deeply childish at all. ]

[murderpotato]

Looks like I'm fuckin' endin' it, too.

[Gren loves the sound of butthurt asshole in the morning. Sounds like victory.]

[ex_break829]

Yeah, we'll see about that.

[ Will we though, Jack. Will we. ]

[murderpotato]

You got an open invitation.

[Come at him, bro, any time. He'll kick your ass, he'll kick your doppelganger's ass, he'll kick his own ass.]

[ex_break829]

[ He's done with this conversation xox. ]