Kelson Haldane (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kingforboth) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
hadriel2018-04-21 03:52 pm
kingforboth) wrote in hadriel2018-04-21 03:52 pm
Entry tags:
Royal Whining
[Kelson looks miserable, he's depressed and whiny on good days, and with Sorrow's resurrection everything he's tried to hold back is overflowing again. His eyes bright with tears, Kelson's struggling not to shed. His crown is lying somewhere, it’s certainly not on his head right now, his black hair undone from it’s normal braid.]
God help me why wasn’t I paying attention? If I was really in control and really a king I would have noticed. I should have been able to prevent it all. But I didn’t. Why hadn’t I been more careful with Llewell? I didn’t think he’d hurt his own sister. I didn’t notice until she gasped and by then he’d already killed her.
And then he had the audacity to glare at me before the executioner cut his head off. He looked at me with such hated. Why did he look at me like that? I wasn’t the one who killed her! He committed sacrilegious murder in front of hundreds of witnesses. I don’t think I can get married in that church again without seeing her blood everywhere.
I’m so tired of killing in order to bring peace. I want to be able to create life, not death. But all too often all I’ve got is death.
[Kelson shook his head, fighting to keep the tears from falling, twisting a woman’s wedding ring on his little finger, the ring once stained with blood, no longer fit to go on another’s finger. It wasn’t a good ring, but he couldn’t let go either.]
I had to killed her father. He wouldn’t surrender, so I shot him. Right there, on his horse. I just cut him down like a dog.
I killed his other son too. I didn’t even allow him to see a priest before he died. I just ordered my sergeant to haul him up on the nearby tree. God knows he deserved it. I know he did, I saw and felt first hand what he'd had done to innocent people. But I was supposed to be better. I took oaths to temper justice with mercy, but I didn’t feel like being merciful. He hadn’t been.
A friend came after me and asked me if I enjoyed it. He actually had to ask me.
[Kelson takes a shaky breath, unsure whether he can go on and keep going but this last one. This was one was most recent and close and painful.]
Do you know what’s worst of all? I knew my cousin was arrogant, I knew he was childish and jealous and I didn’t do anything. I thought he’d grow out of it. That maybe with a little experience he’d grow into a good man. Now he’s not going to grow up at all.
I’m sorry for the wasted life and all the hurt and pain. I’m sorry I had to behead my own damn cousin. I’m sorry he died weeping and it took the executioner 3 strikes to finish it. I’m sorry he left two children behind, that will never know their father. I’m sorry I’ll never be able to see the man I hoped he’d grow up to be.
[He catches his breath, taking a few minutes to try and collect himself, still wracked with guilt. He’s almost surprised anyone’s let him go on this long, and tries some humor, trying to force himself back into good spirits. It’s not working.]
To make it worse, I’ve been stuck here and haven’t gone to Mass in ages. Bishop Duncan is going to have me saying Pater Nosters until I’m fifty.
Does anyone have a sedative? I think I’d like to sleep unencumbered by dreams.
God help me why wasn’t I paying attention? If I was really in control and really a king I would have noticed. I should have been able to prevent it all. But I didn’t. Why hadn’t I been more careful with Llewell? I didn’t think he’d hurt his own sister. I didn’t notice until she gasped and by then he’d already killed her.
And then he had the audacity to glare at me before the executioner cut his head off. He looked at me with such hated. Why did he look at me like that? I wasn’t the one who killed her! He committed sacrilegious murder in front of hundreds of witnesses. I don’t think I can get married in that church again without seeing her blood everywhere.
I’m so tired of killing in order to bring peace. I want to be able to create life, not death. But all too often all I’ve got is death.
[Kelson shook his head, fighting to keep the tears from falling, twisting a woman’s wedding ring on his little finger, the ring once stained with blood, no longer fit to go on another’s finger. It wasn’t a good ring, but he couldn’t let go either.]
I had to killed her father. He wouldn’t surrender, so I shot him. Right there, on his horse. I just cut him down like a dog.
I killed his other son too. I didn’t even allow him to see a priest before he died. I just ordered my sergeant to haul him up on the nearby tree. God knows he deserved it. I know he did, I saw and felt first hand what he'd had done to innocent people. But I was supposed to be better. I took oaths to temper justice with mercy, but I didn’t feel like being merciful. He hadn’t been.
A friend came after me and asked me if I enjoyed it. He actually had to ask me.
[Kelson takes a shaky breath, unsure whether he can go on and keep going but this last one. This was one was most recent and close and painful.]
Do you know what’s worst of all? I knew my cousin was arrogant, I knew he was childish and jealous and I didn’t do anything. I thought he’d grow out of it. That maybe with a little experience he’d grow into a good man. Now he’s not going to grow up at all.
I’m sorry for the wasted life and all the hurt and pain. I’m sorry I had to behead my own damn cousin. I’m sorry he died weeping and it took the executioner 3 strikes to finish it. I’m sorry he left two children behind, that will never know their father. I’m sorry I’ll never be able to see the man I hoped he’d grow up to be.
[He catches his breath, taking a few minutes to try and collect himself, still wracked with guilt. He’s almost surprised anyone’s let him go on this long, and tries some humor, trying to force himself back into good spirits. It’s not working.]
To make it worse, I’ve been stuck here and haven’t gone to Mass in ages. Bishop Duncan is going to have me saying Pater Nosters until I’m fifty.
Does anyone have a sedative? I think I’d like to sleep unencumbered by dreams.
no subject
Words can be very powerful, I think. And I've had quite enough of sacrifices for the time being. But I do wish there was a priest here to guide me.
no subject
[The only priest Ivar ever held any conversation with was a violent zealot that he was Super Into because of all that violent zealotry, so he straight up has no idea about the counseling aspect to priesthood. (He has an unfortunate habit of murdering all the other ones he comes across...... listen, that's not important right now, since he feels exactly zero guilt over it.)]
no subject
[At this point, Kelson would even take Cardiel or Arilan. He missed their guidance, even if he wasn't 100% sure Arilan was even trustworthy. He missed Mass. He missed Rhemuth. And you know what, he missed nighttime. Perhaps if Ivar stopped killing all the priests he came across he might have an inkling of what Kelson was talking about]
no subject
Can you not, I don't know. Pray? [He has seen his Bishop pray for guidance on some rare occasions when he wasn't spitting out the words of his god like threats. It had hardly worked out for him, though, considering.] Or does your god not listen without a priest?
no subject
"Prayer I've found has a time and place, and you're less likely to get verbal
guidance." It was all well and good when Saint Camber or one of his 'servants' would show up being both very helpful and not at the same time, but it wasn't the same. It really was a shame there were no churches around. Kelson missed it all, the smell of the incense, the raising of voices, even getting up early because Duncan always took the early session and if he missed Duncan's he was going to hear about it.
"I suppose I could always pray. I have missed that sense of peace I get from Mass. Is that what you do?"